CubbyBear

Until my dying breath, I'll never understand why you were so cruel to me post-breakup. I understand breakups affect everyone in different ways but insulting me, holding onto my stuff, obsessing about the tickets not respecting my NC requests...that's not OK. What happened to you? That's not the person I fell in love with. The breakup process could have went so much smoother and been filled with so much less pain had you just treated me with dignity and respect. Now I've had to resort to completely removing you from my life. I had to block you from everything. Seems so childish but I also know if I didn't, you would still continue to contact me every week or so about something silly/petty and it would just cause more pain. You know what a good breakup looks like? The relationship I had before you. You remember her? We didn't work out because she is a single mother and works a full-time job. And with her hospital visits, she didn't have time for a relationship. She was very clear as to why we wouldn't work, she respected my NC request, and always was very sweet and respectful. And guess what? We hung out last Saturday and went to lunch today. I really missed having her in my life. It took 2 years but we're at a point where we can be friends with each other. And who knows, maybe in time something will happen or maybe it won't. But that'll never happen with us. There is no going back to friendship or anything else...ever. You saw to that with the way you treated me. Time will allow me to forgive but never forget. So wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I hope you're getting your life sorted out and you feel some regret for the way you treated me.

Hope you have fun with your dude this weekend. It'll be like throwing a hot dog in a hallway for him. How fun!!! Cheers!

Why weren't you more patient with me toward the end like the patience I showed you when you were clinically depressed or never around due to work? Why did you say you wanted to be friends when we both know that was just a classic Dumper line? Why did you say you loved and still cared for me post breakup and then grow cold toward me? Why did you say just needed time to get your life back in order when you had no intention of talking to me again? Why didn't you continue to text me when I said I needed to do NC for a bit? Why did you insist on keeping some of my things even though I told you couldn't? Why did you say you'd pay me for said things when you had no intention? Why did you obsessively text me mean comments and try to call me on move day? Why did you keep more things on move day? Why are you banging other dudes a month out of our breakup? Why am I left to pick up the pieces and mourn while you can just move on like that? Please answer these questions for me since I can't talk to you anymore. Thanks bye

A- Sorry I'm writing you so early in the day. I usually write at night but this can't wait. I have some bad news. This is the last time we will talk. I was going to keep writing you until next week when I get my furniture back from your place. But it just keeps setting me back. This accomplishes nothing but putting more tears in my eyes. Listen, I love you....the only thing I wanted was for you to believe in me. I wanted you to believe I could change/grow. I wanted you to believe that even if we couldn't be together right now, we could be some day. I wanted you to believe my apology and how sorry I am. But you don't. You've made it clear that you don't care anymore. You've made it clear that there is nothing I can do or say. So, this is the way I have to say goodbye... So...I'm sorry I didn't do better and try harder. I let you down, A. I never thought we had so many problems that would result in a breakup. I never knew my actions would lead to this cold and lonely reality. I failed you, I failed me...I failed us. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. But by that time, we'll both have moved on and none of it will matter. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. And I'm ever so grateful for having you in my life. I'll never forget the first time we met and how you looked at me. I'll never forget our first date. I'll never forget the first time we said I love you. I'll never forget our vacations in Denver and Mexico, and our silly dates nights. I'll never forget our jokes, I'll never forget our nerding out adventures, I'll never forget any of it....I'll never forget you A. You've been one of the best things that ever happened to me. Goodbye, my beautiful and lovely, A. I Love You So Much. Go and get out of here. Your N

A- A friend on here reminded me something I never considered. I apologized for my last text and you didn't acknowledge it at all. So, what is the point of telling you anything else? It's obvious that you've made up your mind and nothing I can say will ever change that. I just hate that a lot of this was my fault but can't show you I'm changing, or apologize, or make it up to you in any way. If I do, it pushes you even further away than you are now. In either scenario you're forgetting about me while I'm left here picking up the pieces. How screwed up is that? Oh how I would give anything if you just opened up your heart to me one last time and hear me out. This is not fear based or me groveling. Again, I know we can't be together right now. It was the right call and I'm accepting that. But I just wanted you to know that my old self is coming back even better then before. I just want to apologize to you and tell you that I understand what you've been trying to communicate. I still want you in my life. I want to show you the changes I'm making. I want to be there for you because I know you're going through a hard time. I keep remembering how you always told me "No one will try harder than me at a relationship. You just wait." And when it got tough on you, you just bolted. I stuck it out with you when you got depressed, times you freaked out on me for no reason, were absent because you had to work all the time, when you were in tears over your dead cat or your sick grandma. I was right there not giving up. I gave up everything just to be with you. I want to get angry and scream and hate you but I don't have it in me. It's not who I am. I love you and want to see you happy. I don't blame you for anything that happened and I understand why. ....I just wished you would pick up that phone and call me before it's too late. Or is it already too late? Yeah, it's probably already too late. Nevermind. Oh look at that, I made it until 4:30 without crying over you. Progress! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to crawl back into my bed and sob for 3 hours. Love always, N

I wish grief was linear :(. Sorry to hear you're going through this.

Kudos for NC dedication my friend! That takes a lot of strength and self respect right there.

A- It's getting late so thought I'd write you one last time tonight. I still hated that you reached out to me. I have no idea what you're thinking or doing anymore. You're a different person and I hate it. The person I loved and that loved me back is nothing but a memory I'm holding onto. It's funny how that works. 3 weeks ago were picking out wedding rings and today we're complete strangers. It's just not right. This week is going to be pretty tough on me. It's my first week in a new place. And every day is going to be so long because I'll be staring at the clock trying to figure out ways to pass the time until I can go to sleep. And the week after that I get to look forward to getting all my stuff back from your place. Every single thing that comes off the moving truck is going to have all these memories attached too it. And I know I'll break down...have to get rid of it all...and start from square one. When will there be an escape from you? As much as I still love you, please don't contact me until the move. I just want to hear your cold, stranger like texts one more time in my life and then I'll take the next odd some months getting over whatever I thought we had. Can you do that one last thing for me? I'm asking you this on here because I can't reach out and ask you over text. It'll show that I still care which apparently I'm not allowed to do. Apparently, I have to be cordial and pretend none of this is bothering me. I have to pretend to be mature and pretend I'm moving past this. And even if I did reach out via text, it would probably start some disagreement I'm not equipped to handle. It'll make things worse. Ah well... In the end, I still don't blame or hate you for anything. Your'e just human and doing what you think is best. I get it. I just wish you would drop the sh1t and just call me so we can talk things out. But we both know that won't happen. So, goodnight and can't wait to see how you haunt my dreams tonight. N

Why did you have to text me today? I tried to be civil this time and pretended our communication didn't bother me. But it did. I know you just had a legitimate question about misplacing your stuff; I know you're not trying to mess with me or anything. But seeing your name pop up on my phone every week or so is destroying me more and more. Please, please, please stop. Everything I own is at your place, take what you want and replace what you don't have/misplaced. It's just things and not worth the emotional heartache you are putting me through by reaching out. It's not fair that you don't care anymore and you're moving on with your life while I'm emotionally crippled because you're ghost won't leave me alone. If you can't honor that request, then please, I am begging you...just stay out of my head at night. Sleep is the only thing I had to look forward to but thanks to the dreams I had last night, that's no longer safe either. You're everywhere I go and I can't get you out. I would give anything to go one day...hell even an hour, without thinking of you or crying over you. To know there is some light at the end of this cold, dark, and terrifying tunnel....

Thank you so much SweetGirl28. I know I sound like a broken record but I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your advice along with everyone else on this site. You guys are the only thing keeping me somewhat sane right now. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm just so heartbroken. I have to keep fighting these dumb urges to call her or go down to the bar across the street and drink her away. So, I sit on this forum (between crying sessions) and re-read every single post. Not only the advice to me but what other people are going through. All of you are such amazing and beautiful people. We don't deserve this...none of us do.

A- Hey, baby. I feel so stupid writing to a memory of you on a website that you'll never read. But it's the only way we can stay in contact for now. We have about a week left until I have to stop talking to you. I pick up my furniture in a week and then will be the end of this. I'm going to have to not only stop writing you but will have to block you from all social media as well. I'm so sorry but it's the way it has to be forever. I need to stop loving you. I need to stop caring for you. I need to stop thinking about you. I need to stop wanting to contact you. It's not healthy. You see, you walked out on me and took a piece of me with you. I'm not mad, you had your reasons and I know I was a big part of that. But damnit, it hurts. It's hurts so much. Today was the first day sleeping in my new place. No different from the last 2 weeks tho...I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep. As you know, it's the only way to shut my brain off from you. I wake up at 3 in the morning because of nightmares and I automatically put my arm on where you used to sleep next to me. It's met with empty air and my sleeping state I don't understand why you're not there. It makes no sense. I don't see your beautiful red hair and I'm left with questions. I have to wake up and look over to see why. I just see emptyness. I see a new bed and a new room. I'm confused and terrified. All the memories come rushing back and I have to relieve these last 2 weeks all over again. I hate it. I hate this new life you're forcing me to live. My friends were amazing today. They took me out to the museum. We walked around. We went bowling afterwards and it was really fun. I tried to keep it together for my friends and pretend nothing was wrong. But you know friends...they can see it my soul. I've never been one to hide my emotions. They know how heartbroken I am but they don't ask me about you or what happened. They know it's still to painful to talk about. They know all they can do is take me out and talk about other things. We went to see Deadpool 2 aftewards. On the way to the movie theater we walked by your friends restaurant. Remember opening night when we dressed up and went with our friends? We had so much fun. It was so hard not to cry. at that. At the movie it was even worse. I remember how we loved the first one and we couldn't wait to see the second one. All I could think about was you and kept asking myself why you weren't sitting next to me. I was pale white and it took everything I had to keep it together. I promised myself today was the first day I wouldn't cry. But the minute I came back home to my empty apartment, I lost it. You're ghost won't leave me alone. I just follows me around everywhere and I have no escape. All I can think about is eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I wish they had a procedure that would remove all thoughts of you from my brain.It's the only way. Drugs and alcohol are just temporary and the thought of time erasing all the feelings I have for you is just so sadder than the breakup. I'll write you again, tomorrow, A. We only have a limited window until this is done. Hope you're holding up ok and I'm sorry for the pain that this is causing you as well. N

A- Me again. I was going to write you today and apologize for these last 2 weeks. I was real jerk to you. I was also going to say you're an incredible woman and thanks for all the wonderful memories we got to share. That was it. I just wanted to say that so we didn't end on a bad note. I have so much guilt for the way I acted and I just wanted to say goodbye in the way that honored our relationship. But I can't. You won't ever know that. The people on this site told me I can't contact you. But please don't be upset. They just tell me you're response or lack there of is going to destroy me. And while I want to ignore a 100 strangers and email you, they are probably right. They don't know me; they just know what I'm going through. They have all had to deal with the type of loss of their special 'A' walking out of there life. And as much as I hate it, I have to listen to them. They know what's best. They want to see me better and they know I can't trust my heart to you anymore. So, sorry A. I can't send you anything. You'll never get the apology or goodbye you deserve. You'll never know how much I love you, miss you, and that everything I see and do reminds me of you. Nope. You're last memory of me will be a crappy text message telling you to leave me alone because I was hurting that day. That's it. That's what you get. That's will be our last moment together in the history of our existence. Anyways, as always, hope you're doing ok. I'm sure I'll write you more tonight or tomorrow. Til then... N

So sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what that's like. I'd like to think I know my ex well enough that she won't be interested in dating anyone for at least a couple months. I'm still friends with her on social media until we get the moving situation sorted out. But after that, I plan on removing her from everything so I will have no idea (and hopefully not care) when she does move on. If I knew she had moved on today, I would be devastated. It make this whole situation 5x worse. That has to be horrible. So sorry you're having to go through that :(

A- I'm so sorry I keep writing you. You won't ever read these anyways so what does it matter? I miss you so much. I was such an A$$ toward the end and it took me this situation to realize how selfish I been. You tried to communicate the problems and tried to get us help. And I met it with a brick wall. I was in denial of what was going on and this is the wake up call I needed. But the worst part about is I'll never be able to tell you. I'll never be able to apologize for my actions. I'll never be able to show you how sorry I am. I'll never be able to show you the progress I'm making. I'll never be able to see, hear, your touch you ever again. Everyone tells me I need to do this NC BS instead of just reconnecting with you. I hate it. You probably think I hate you with the way we left things but nothing could be further from the truth. You were the one, A. I had the ring and proposal picked out. We we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. I'm so sorry I let you down baby. I will regret it for the rest of my days. I know you're going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry I can't be there for you. Stay strong. Love, N

A- You are one of the most remarkable woman I’ve ever met. You’re strong, successful, independent, kind, funny, patient, loving, caring and beautiful. And maybe that’s why letting go is so bitter sweet. The sadness I feel is only due to how much you meant to me and the impact it left on my life. You are someone I will never forget and will always have a special place in my heart. Not to mention the rest of your family. X, Y, the kids, your grandparents, your mom, X, Y, hell even X and Y. I miss each and every one of them every day. And hope they are all doing well and continue to do so. Anyways, that’s all I really had to say. Take care of yourself and maybe we’ll see you around someday. Love, N