MisSunny

I'm not really counting anymore, and I'm only posting because I had a dream that really bothered me. In this dream, I accidentally found out he had a new girlfriend, and what's worse, I cared. I'm sinking back into apathy about it now that I'm awake, but I still feel bothered... Gross.

Yesterday was another good one. Maybe I should only post my days up when something notable regarding my experience happens. Too many post'll just end up me recapping what I did for the day... Had a party last night, it was fun. Might be feeling one of the guys who came, but who knows what happens? Possibilities are endless.

Whaaaaat? Ntohing had anything to say about the 17th? Crazy. Anyway, I went to a Music and Comedy showcase at the little coffee shop that has the open mic night I frequent... And it was RIDICULOUSLY fun. The performers were all SO good, and the crowd got so rowdy and fun... Lots of eye candy there, too. All in all, a step toward re-establishing my routines. I barely felt sad at all today.

I still love you. But I can't trust you. You have proven that what you say isn't always what you mean, and that you can't(won't?) consistently treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated. So goodbye for now. I hope I don't see you for a long time.

Went to board game night tonight. I considered not going, because it was something we did together, but it was also something I did before the short lived reconciliation without him. So I decided to go. I need to re-establish routines, and keep busy. Plus I always have a good time with board game night. For the most part I did very well, focusing on the games instead of whatever sadness I might be feeling. I did get a bit sad before I left, but my friend who tagged along with me snapped me out of it. Been thinking on things. I fully realize that I deserve to be with someone who will fight for me, and not just give up, like the ex has done twice now, but I still mourn for the relationship that is now truly dead. It just feels like such a waste, because we did have a good relationship. I know I can keep myself mostly focused on what I deserve(ie, someone who treats me the way I want to be treated), but at the same time I know I will feel this sadness every once in awhile. When it comes down to it, I do still love him, and I will for awhile, because I can't just stop loving someone that simply. But whether I love him or not isn't the question. the question is, at this point, can I trust him? Absolutely not. I just hope he leaves me alone long enough for me to have regained my strength of will to tell him "no" when he comes sniffing back around.

I still feel like there's so much unsaid. And yet I've said everything. I'm so mad at you, and I don't want to ever go through with this again... But I'm still hoping you call me today and say you've made a terrible mistake. This sucks.

Well, I'm back again. Reconciliation lasted maybe... A month. I'm well and truly done, now. I received the fabulous news around 6:30 pm today; I told him I'd like to talk about it in person and he said.... He's not free to talk to me until 11pm. Then he doesn't actually get here until nearly 1am. And not only THAT. But he BROUGHT SOMEONE WITH HIM to serve as an audience for this debacle, so I didn't even say half of what I wanted. The basis of this? He decided two days ago that, wait a minute, he actually DOESN'T love me, never mind what he said for the past month. I asked what changed his mind, and apparently nothing did, and nothing prompted him to realize it. He doesn't even want to try to look into why things suddenly changed, or see if we can work past it, or even really see if it's just a passing disenchantment. I'm pissed, and sad, and truly done with it. I only regret that he couldn't have made this decision a month ago and spared me this now. But I don't really regret trying again. I do believe in second chances and I believed him when he said he wanted this again. He knows there's no 3rd chances, and that I won't want to speak with him for a long time... If ever. But I hate feeling this lonely, empty feeling AGAIN. At least I'll be a bit stronger this time than I was last time.

Jeez. The funny thing is, I did go to the movie. It was a very tense and nervous day, and I'm not gonna lie, I had to excuse myself to the restroom once or twice for a brief cry because things were so strange... But the night topped off with him saying that he thinks he wants to give it another shot. How bizarre! So I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen, but I'm quietly optimistic. I'm in NC failure, that's for sure, but maybe it's not so bad. Hahaha.

Yes, I would like to see a movie, but... Why are you asking? I can't go today anyway. I'm sick, feeling miserable. Why did you ask me? I wish you would just say what you're thinking. If you wanna try something again, just say so. If you just want to be friends, well. You should already know what I think of that. I told you the day you broke up with me. Or do you think things are all better now?

Woke up to a text message from him asking if I would like to go to a movie tonight... I wonder what he wants from me? I DO wanna see a movie... But not with him right now. It would be way too weird. Plus I'm a sickie right now, so... I have not replied. Ugh.

It's not fair that you can make me feel so crazy just by saying nothing. Hearing from you has made me weak; it's kindled hope where I don't want it, and riding the waves of hope and pessimism is really frustrating. I wish you could just tell me what you think of me in a straightforward manner... I could ask, but to do so would risk further unhappiness. Maybe I should have agreed to talk about things when you offered. But it just seemed like such a half-hearted offer, made only because your friends told you you should... Why can't you just say what you mean?

Haha, what a coincidence. My ex asked me to send him a recent picture of myself for my caller id on his phone because the one he has "doesn't do me justice"... I'm not gonna send him one, though. It's hard. At times I think maybe he's contacting me for good reasons. Then I switch to thinking that he's only talking to me to soothe his guilt, and it makes me feel sick. It's not very pleasant... And I didn't have this much trouble with NC the first time around! Lame sauce. Well. Day 1 for me.

i don't understand you. What do you want?

Well... He did contact me this morning, and since I was drunk/hungover I replied. It was so much easier when I was positive he wouldn't say anything back if I said anything. This is so, so much harder... And I feel very very foolish. I don't understand him right now, but I really need to stop trying. I'm just letting this fuel my unrealistic expectations, and it sucks. So... Today is actually Day 0. Hopefully I can do better from now on.

I begin again. Today is my birthday, and I both hope and fear hearing from him. It would be so much easier if things slipped back into the silence we had for 2 months, but I still long to hear from him, to at least know I've been on his mind in some capacity... But I don't want him to contact me because his friends have been making him feel guilty. I want him to contact me because he truly misses me, or whatever. I don't know... But it would be easier if things just went back to radio silent. also, I'm so tempted to unblock him on facebook, but so far I'm resisting. Hopefully that lasts.