LotusBlack

This isn’t about it being anyone’s “job”. It’s simply about getting to know her new colleagues and taking the initiative to integrate since there may be an opportunity for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It isn’t offensive in any way for Kim to bring it up and make plans since she got the idea from her colleague. She doesn’t have to do anything, though, if she’d prefer not to. But nor is it wrong to initiate a get-together to meet colleagues and make friends; there’s no rule against Kim inviting the others out. I’d consider it to be a very friendly and lovely thing to do if I were one of her colleagues. But, each to their own and we can agree to disagree. 🙂

OP, I don’t see this as a marry/not marry question, but rather a matter of whether you should stay together or separate. I think if you get married (provided that is what you decide you want at some point), you are able to still keep finances separate so her bad money management doesn’t impact you. In your shoes, I would sit down with her and have an open, honest conversation about how you feel in the relationship and that in order to continue it and even be able to consider a potential future marriage, you need for her to have her health further investigated. What you need from her is to have a full, thorough assessment for bipolar disorder, and if she is assessed as having it, follow through with an appropriate management plan with the relevant healthcare specialists/providers. Once that happens and is consistent and you can both get a real understanding of her behavior after that, then you can see where the relationship is headed. Until then, it is hard for you to make any informed decisions about your relationship (unless you have reached that point where maintaining a relationship no matter the situation is no longer what you want). If she is unwilling, then you may consider this relationship unable to continue. This is not an ultimatum, just where you stand on the matter (if that is how you feel); it may be a dealbreaker issue.

I agree that they should have discussed it with you, particularly if you had been dating a while; however, to play devil’s advocate for a minute - you had been dating a while yet you were still at that level of anxiousness and shyness despite this. You could have also communicated with them that you suffered from such extreme levels of it as to impact how people perceived you - even after dating for some time. So, to this end, I think you equally matched these men’s level of insecurity. Of course, you are self aware enough to recognise that now and to have worked on and grown from those insecurities. OP- Kim, as I have said in your other threads, so much can be avoided just by direct, clear communication. In your shoes, I’d send him a message/email to again thank him for reaching out to you to grab coffee and that it would be great to go out for those drinks with your colleagues and then perhaps suggest a potential time/date if it is convenient for everyone else. By suggesting a time it then leaves no room for ambiguity. He follows it up with a positive response or a negative/vague/non-committal response. Either way, you understand where you stand. It also doesn’t expose you in any kind of vulnerable way romantically speaking, and would, in fact, be a great way for you to meet some co-workers and network/build friendships.

If they admitted they were insecure and immature then that is how they feel; however, I don’t think that they were necessarily playing games or were actually insecure/ immature. They might have felt your level of apparent disinterest was a red flag they didn’t want to exhaust any more energy on. Additionally, whilst ghosting is never great, they likely felt contact (even to say they didn’t want to pursue anything further with you) would be unwarranted - perhaps even unwelcome - given your seeming disinterest. Conversely, by the same token that you were better off without them, they were better off without you at that time given your anxiety and shyness which led them to misunderstand your interest level. You have now grown and would no longer present as a red flag in that area and perhaps they are different now too.

I think this is a bit of a rough and presumptuous assumption. I went on a first meet about a week ago and the guy asked me out again and said he could usually get a pretty good read on whether a woman was interested in him or not but with me he couldn’t (that was because I was undecided about my level of interest as well). So, although this guy did voice that at the time - to his credit - a lot of men do in fact feel uncertain and apprehensive. Rainbow gave an uninterested vibe despite her actual interest and the men could only work with what she gave them, so they cut their losses. Historically, men have been tasked with the role of getting the women but I think this has been disproportionately imbalanced and unfair. I think it is equal responsibility of both parties to be clear and open about their interest and intention.

Not true. I always insist on paying my own way and I have zero social media except Facebook - and even then, I only have close friends and family on my list. I actually feel incredibly uncomfortable if a guy insists on paying for me. Also, like Batya, I personally know 3-4 couples who met on dating apps who are now either married and/or own a property together with kids. And this is over the last several years. I also met, married, and had a child with someone I met on a dating app. We didn’t last, unfortunately, but we set out with good intentions.

This is the thing I really don’t get about partners who leave a relationship like this: why wait until things get bad and they’re already emotionally over before one spouse then cheats or cuts and runs? If, in my relationship, I started to see cracks or my feelings were changing, I’d be straight on it to mitigate further risk and damage. I’d be acknowledging the issue head on so the relationship doesn’t deteriorate beyond repair. OP, when you first started noticing that you were distancing yourself emotionally from your wife, why did you not have a conversation with her about it and put in place a plan of action to try to prevent the relationship from falling apart? That is what we promise to do in our vows when we first get married. And, if after all is said and done and the relationship cannot be saved after all despite preventative measures, then of course seek a way to amicably separate. But why wait until nothing can be done and the other partner is hit suddenly with the unexpected reality that their relationship is over before they even knew there was a problem?

I second all this. I went on a first meet several days ago. It was a lovely meeting but I felt zero romantic chemistry. At the beginning and end he hugged me without asking and I went along with it as it wasn’t worth causing a scene or embarrassing him but I did not feel comfortable at all. He even called me out on the goodbye hug because I was very loose with it and I had to explain that I’m not a huggy person - which is true, especially with someone I don’t really know. In your case, OP, maybe she went along with the kisses and actively participated in them in the moment because she felt put in a position when you initiated. I’d have likely done the same even though I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable. When my meet-up ended, my match said he’d love to see me again because he had a great time. I got home and thought about it for the rest of the day. I went back and forth between going on a first date and giving it a chance or ending it at the first meet. Ultimately, I sent him a message saying I had a nice time and he was a lovely person but that I felt we had more of a friend vibe. I thanked him for his time and consideration and wished him all the best. He never acknowledged it, but that’s fine. I recognised that if I felt this uncertain about going on a first date, then there was no hope for the relationship anyway. I think her lack of response is the answer you have. Also, try to remember that although you might have had a great first date, that doesn’t mean the other person automatically did too. I had a lovely time but knew from the second I saw him walking towards me that it wasn’t going to be the right match for me.

I don’t think OP got together with him for his money at all. She stated that they met and started dating before she even knew of his wealth, and in the 10 years since then, she’s not leant on him financially at all and I don’t think she expects it either - as she shouldn’t. In addition, I think a lot of people on this forum live in countries where rent is paid monthly, so may be operating under the assumption that the OP is too. In Australia, we pay weekly or fortnightly (every 2 weeks). If indeed she is paying $300 monthly, that is a great price. If, as in my case, she is paying that per week or fortnight, it works out to be not such a cheap deal - particularly when he has no mortgage on the property as it is already paid for and she pays half of all utilities and bills. I would also be concerned that he is allowing her to pay for all the groceries and housecleaning, which he equally benefits from as she does but contributed nothing to it financially. Unless she insisted on having a cleaner and he didn’t want one, I can’t see why she alone is paying for it. And there is definitely no reason she should be footing his food bill unless she pays for that by herself and he pays for something else they utilise by himself. I am not sure if his lack of response was a result of lack of empathy and consideration or if he didn’t know how to respond to the situation - I can’t speak to that. But, his lack of interest in sharing living expenses fairly does imply lack of care.

If this were a scientific study, the evidence suggests otherwise. If your high opinion of yourself was accurate, the proof would be in the pudding. Alas, the evidence shows you are offensive to women (and men) and lack perspective for self growth. Many of us here are women and we are not finding this behaviour attractive or “perfect”. Also, You would be hard pressed to find a woman who actually wants a perfect man. Truly.

Sorry to say, OP, your behaviour and attitude in just these few comments here are supremely unattractive. You are just throwing out red flags galore. You are permeating entitlement and arrogance (and yes, you are arrogant, not confident and you are confusing the two). You lack humility (a very attractive quality), belittle your supposed friend (unsupportive and resentful - also unattractive qualities) and have zero consideration for the women your approach. Your main goal is to get a woman rather than actually liking her and wanting to BE with her. I would caution any woman to think hard before pursuing anything with you because you come across as HATING women. I recommend seeking some professional help to gain a healthy perspective of women and also yourself.

I did have it at a shorter distance, but not so many people. Also, Australians don’t generally view these kinds of distances as red flags because it’s par of the course of being in Australia. A red flag, to me, is related to one’s character and if someone eliminates me because of my distance, then that is unavoidable and can’t be helped as I am not in a position to move. I do work in the capital city and my location changes to that area when I am there, so I do come across profiles from populated zones. I’m not really too concerned about whether I meet someone or not. I commented initially just to say that this idea that women get oodles of messages and people interested in them is a bit misguided. I have lived by big busy cities such as Tokyo, London, and Berlin and people are pretty much the same in their communication habits.

I think part of my issue is that I “swipe left” to almost everyone. It isn’t that I think the men don‘t have worth or are not good enough, but more so that I quite strongly identify as demi-sexual; I find it very challenging to feel any kind of initial attraction to anyone without first having developed a strong emotional attraction and that can be quite difficult when faced with online matching as the method of initial connection, particularly when their profiles often say very little about themselves. All my past relationships, bar for my marriage, came from long-standing friendships with male friends. But given I am so isolated where I am, I don’t have friends in general. I think perhaps I am not the idea candidate for OLD. I am not desperately looking, however, so I am okay with seeing how life unfolds and if I meet someone, great, and if I end up by myself at the end of my life, I guess that is also okay. Sad, but okay.

I’m 37 but often get told I look in my late 20s by most everyone l meet. I just subscribed to Hinge (been out of the dating game about 12 years - other than meeting my ex-husband 5 years ago (a relationship that lasted only a couple of years and didn’t really involve dating; we met and then were inseparable for a time) and ended 2 years ago. I’ve not dated since). Despite my thinking otherwise, I am often told in person and online I am attractive. I’m well educated from a top tier uni. I’m still outgoing and active - love to hike, rock climb, travel, etc. On paper, I seem to be a decent catch. My profile pics got a lot of likes in the first 24 hours (about 50) and my profile info/comments/etc. get a lot of likes too, but they are almost exclusively from men in their 50s and 60s (despite my search parameter being aged between 32-42) and have since almost completely dropped off. Yet, I have had 2 messages since I subscribed 3 days ago. My search area is within a 3-4 hour distance (being that I am in regional Australia and my capital city is 1.5 hours away, a wider search area is necessary) and still I have almost zero replies to messages or people initiating messages, even from men who liked my profile. I do sometimes get approached IRL by young guys in their early 20s who assume I am much younger than I am. But, here I am, still single without a lot of direct contact or dates materialising. I don’t think women get as many likes and messages as you think and when I do it is often by men who don’t bother at all to read my profile or they address me straight up as, “Hey beautiful”, which is extremely off-putting when I don’t know them from a bar of soap and can see their interest is only in having sex. The legitimate dating opportunities are few and far between, even for young, seemingly attractive women.

I haven’t read any of the responses, so I have no idea what points have been made, but I felt compelled to respond promptly. Honestly, you are not guilt-free, but I also think you were not of sound mind to give informed consent. I have lived in Japan before for years and I am fully aware of how things often occur in bars there and I have the very strong feeling you were taken advantage of. Again, you are responsible for your alcohol consumption and put yourself in a vulnerable position by becoming deliberately impaired and that was your responsibility, but I think there was a bit of calculating done on the part of the girl who very deliberately approached you with a nefarious agenda. It happens a lot. If she didn’t ask for money and went unprotected, she may have been trying to get pregnant with the highly sort after “hafu” baby (based on the assumption she was Japanese and you…not, which may not be true). Perhaps that wasn’t the case, but even if it was just for sex, a drunk person cannot give informed consent. What she drunk too? It isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card and you played a part in what happened by drinking as you did, but I think it is significant and should be part of the conversation with your gf.