LotusBlack

I sometimes still wonder about KnightMan who wrote a post several years ago about his cheating wife. We all liked him so much as he was a really upstanding guy and many of us looked forward to his updates. I was thinking about it just this morning and where he is in the world - if he ended up getting serious with that nice lady he met some time after his divorce.

Sometimes people use this line of questioning or statements to fish for information indirectly; to get an idea about someone’s status or level of interest without exposing themselves if they themselves are interested. I’m not saying this is the case in this particular situation, but I have seen it many many times.

This isn’t about it being anyone’s “job”. It’s simply about getting to know her new colleagues and taking the initiative to integrate since there may be an opportunity for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It isn’t offensive in any way for Kim to bring it up and make plans since she got the idea from her colleague. She doesn’t have to do anything, though, if she’d prefer not to. But nor is it wrong to initiate a get-together to meet colleagues and make friends; there’s no rule against Kim inviting the others out. I’d consider it to be a very friendly and lovely thing to do if I were one of her colleagues. But, each to their own and we can agree to disagree. 🙂

OP, I don’t see this as a marry/not marry question, but rather a matter of whether you should stay together or separate. I think if you get married (provided that is what you decide you want at some point), you are able to still keep finances separate so her bad money management doesn’t impact you. In your shoes, I would sit down with her and have an open, honest conversation about how you feel in the relationship and that in order to continue it and even be able to consider a potential future marriage, you need for her to have her health further investigated. What you need from her is to have a full, thorough assessment for bipolar disorder, and if she is assessed as having it, follow through with an appropriate management plan with the relevant healthcare specialists/providers. Once that happens and is consistent and you can both get a real understanding of her behavior after that, then you can see where the relationship is headed. Until then, it is hard for you to make any informed decisions about your relationship (unless you have reached that point where maintaining a relationship no matter the situation is no longer what you want). If she is unwilling, then you may consider this relationship unable to continue. This is not an ultimatum, just where you stand on the matter (if that is how you feel); it may be a dealbreaker issue.

I agree that they should have discussed it with you, particularly if you had been dating a while; however, to play devil’s advocate for a minute - you had been dating a while yet you were still at that level of anxiousness and shyness despite this. You could have also communicated with them that you suffered from such extreme levels of it as to impact how people perceived you - even after dating for some time. So, to this end, I think you equally matched these men’s level of insecurity. Of course, you are self aware enough to recognise that now and to have worked on and grown from those insecurities. OP- Kim, as I have said in your other threads, so much can be avoided just by direct, clear communication. In your shoes, I’d send him a message/email to again thank him for reaching out to you to grab coffee and that it would be great to go out for those drinks with your colleagues and then perhaps suggest a potential time/date if it is convenient for everyone else. By suggesting a time it then leaves no room for ambiguity. He follows it up with a positive response or a negative/vague/non-committal response. Either way, you understand where you stand. It also doesn’t expose you in any kind of vulnerable way romantically speaking, and would, in fact, be a great way for you to meet some co-workers and network/build friendships.

If they admitted they were insecure and immature then that is how they feel; however, I don’t think that they were necessarily playing games or were actually insecure/ immature. They might have felt your level of apparent disinterest was a red flag they didn’t want to exhaust any more energy on. Additionally, whilst ghosting is never great, they likely felt contact (even to say they didn’t want to pursue anything further with you) would be unwarranted - perhaps even unwelcome - given your seeming disinterest. Conversely, by the same token that you were better off without them, they were better off without you at that time given your anxiety and shyness which led them to misunderstand your interest level. You have now grown and would no longer present as a red flag in that area and perhaps they are different now too.

I think this is a bit of a rough and presumptuous assumption. I went on a first meet about a week ago and the guy asked me out again and said he could usually get a pretty good read on whether a woman was interested in him or not but with me he couldn’t (that was because I was undecided about my level of interest as well). So, although this guy did voice that at the time - to his credit - a lot of men do in fact feel uncertain and apprehensive. Rainbow gave an uninterested vibe despite her actual interest and the men could only work with what she gave them, so they cut their losses. Historically, men have been tasked with the role of getting the women but I think this has been disproportionately imbalanced and unfair. I think it is equal responsibility of both parties to be clear and open about their interest and intention.

Not true. I always insist on paying my own way and I have zero social media except Facebook - and even then, I only have close friends and family on my list. I actually feel incredibly uncomfortable if a guy insists on paying for me. Also, like Batya, I personally know 3-4 couples who met on dating apps who are now either married and/or own a property together with kids. And this is over the last several years. I also met, married, and had a child with someone I met on a dating app. We didn’t last, unfortunately, but we set out with good intentions.

This is the thing I really don’t get about partners who leave a relationship like this: why wait until things get bad and they’re already emotionally over before one spouse then cheats or cuts and runs? If, in my relationship, I started to see cracks or my feelings were changing, I’d be straight on it to mitigate further risk and damage. I’d be acknowledging the issue head on so the relationship doesn’t deteriorate beyond repair. OP, when you first started noticing that you were distancing yourself emotionally from your wife, why did you not have a conversation with her about it and put in place a plan of action to try to prevent the relationship from falling apart? That is what we promise to do in our vows when we first get married. And, if after all is said and done and the relationship cannot be saved after all despite preventative measures, then of course seek a way to amicably separate. But why wait until nothing can be done and the other partner is hit suddenly with the unexpected reality that their relationship is over before they even knew there was a problem?

I second all this. I went on a first meet several days ago. It was a lovely meeting but I felt zero romantic chemistry. At the beginning and end he hugged me without asking and I went along with it as it wasn’t worth causing a scene or embarrassing him but I did not feel comfortable at all. He even called me out on the goodbye hug because I was very loose with it and I had to explain that I’m not a huggy person - which is true, especially with someone I don’t really know. In your case, OP, maybe she went along with the kisses and actively participated in them in the moment because she felt put in a position when you initiated. I’d have likely done the same even though I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable. When my meet-up ended, my match said he’d love to see me again because he had a great time. I got home and thought about it for the rest of the day. I went back and forth between going on a first date and giving it a chance or ending it at the first meet. Ultimately, I sent him a message saying I had a nice time and he was a lovely person but that I felt we had more of a friend vibe. I thanked him for his time and consideration and wished him all the best. He never acknowledged it, but that’s fine. I recognised that if I felt this uncertain about going on a first date, then there was no hope for the relationship anyway. I think her lack of response is the answer you have. Also, try to remember that although you might have had a great first date, that doesn’t mean the other person automatically did too. I had a lovely time but knew from the second I saw him walking towards me that it wasn’t going to be the right match for me.

I don’t think OP got together with him for his money at all. She stated that they met and started dating before she even knew of his wealth, and in the 10 years since then, she’s not leant on him financially at all and I don’t think she expects it either - as she shouldn’t. In addition, I think a lot of people on this forum live in countries where rent is paid monthly, so may be operating under the assumption that the OP is too. In Australia, we pay weekly or fortnightly (every 2 weeks). If indeed she is paying $300 monthly, that is a great price. If, as in my case, she is paying that per week or fortnight, it works out to be not such a cheap deal - particularly when he has no mortgage on the property as it is already paid for and she pays half of all utilities and bills. I would also be concerned that he is allowing her to pay for all the groceries and housecleaning, which he equally benefits from as she does but contributed nothing to it financially. Unless she insisted on having a cleaner and he didn’t want one, I can’t see why she alone is paying for it. And there is definitely no reason she should be footing his food bill unless she pays for that by herself and he pays for something else they utilise by himself. I am not sure if his lack of response was a result of lack of empathy and consideration or if he didn’t know how to respond to the situation - I can’t speak to that. But, his lack of interest in sharing living expenses fairly does imply lack of care.

If this were a scientific study, the evidence suggests otherwise. If your high opinion of yourself was accurate, the proof would be in the pudding. Alas, the evidence shows you are offensive to women (and men) and lack perspective for self growth. Many of us here are women and we are not finding this behaviour attractive or “perfect”. Also, You would be hard pressed to find a woman who actually wants a perfect man. Truly.

Sorry to say, OP, your behaviour and attitude in just these few comments here are supremely unattractive. You are just throwing out red flags galore. You are permeating entitlement and arrogance (and yes, you are arrogant, not confident and you are confusing the two). You lack humility (a very attractive quality), belittle your supposed friend (unsupportive and resentful - also unattractive qualities) and have zero consideration for the women your approach. Your main goal is to get a woman rather than actually liking her and wanting to BE with her. I would caution any woman to think hard before pursuing anything with you because you come across as HATING women. I recommend seeking some professional help to gain a healthy perspective of women and also yourself.

I did have it at a shorter distance, but not so many people. Also, Australians don’t generally view these kinds of distances as red flags because it’s par of the course of being in Australia. A red flag, to me, is related to one’s character and if someone eliminates me because of my distance, then that is unavoidable and can’t be helped as I am not in a position to move. I do work in the capital city and my location changes to that area when I am there, so I do come across profiles from populated zones. I’m not really too concerned about whether I meet someone or not. I commented initially just to say that this idea that women get oodles of messages and people interested in them is a bit misguided. I have lived by big busy cities such as Tokyo, London, and Berlin and people are pretty much the same in their communication habits.

I think part of my issue is that I “swipe left” to almost everyone. It isn’t that I think the men don‘t have worth or are not good enough, but more so that I quite strongly identify as demi-sexual; I find it very challenging to feel any kind of initial attraction to anyone without first having developed a strong emotional attraction and that can be quite difficult when faced with online matching as the method of initial connection, particularly when their profiles often say very little about themselves. All my past relationships, bar for my marriage, came from long-standing friendships with male friends. But given I am so isolated where I am, I don’t have friends in general. I think perhaps I am not the idea candidate for OLD. I am not desperately looking, however, so I am okay with seeing how life unfolds and if I meet someone, great, and if I end up by myself at the end of my life, I guess that is also okay. Sad, but okay.