Ironman3

I am not interested in impressing others at all and don't gain any validation by buying stuff. I actually prefer not to draw attention to it and make it look as regular / normal as possible because I don't like that attention / envy or whatever people feel when they see their peers buy something. I enjoy the feeling of owning something, it makes me feel like there's something to enjoy and to look forward to. It's like having a bottle of wine with your name on it and you just want to get home for the weekend and enjoy it by the couch by the fireplace. This is it, this is why I buy things. Because it makes me feel good. My justification (albeit wrong one in terms of savings) is that I live for myself first and I work hard to earn what I have. This has carried me so long but it has slowly started going up into abundance of things because I find myself needing that bottle of wine more often and its effects does not last as long. I don't buy everything in the market but the things I buy are often expensive. Sometimes, I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to other than some phone or headset. I have a lot of things going on and I have a life outside these things, don't get me wrong, but I don't look forward to those things. I am not able to identify if there is something else inside that's creating this need or I'm just addicted.

Thank you for explaining and yes I understand where this was coming from. As I said, I was just caught off guard when everyone explored by reading my other posts and finding out that I was married (I did not mention it in my original post), then came here outright judging me and assuming that I was hiding it from my wife. If they wanted that information, they just had to ask the way you did. But by then I was overwhelmed by the assumptions and advice stemming from it to notice if yours was just a question or judgement. :) Once again, thanks for getting back to me. Glad that it all cleared out in the end.

I totally agree that it is not done in a vacuum. But assuming / insinuating that I was cheating or not sharing it with my wife was uncalled for. I can understand if someone told me to make sure to take those things into consideration, but downright judging is unacceptable. Anyway, it's all said and done at this point. Thanks for writing.

I am trying BetterHelp now and just getting through the registration process. Online suits my schedule since I get off work late. I guess getting help is the best way to deal with this problem. Thank you for your support.

Yep, I totally agree with one like that. I mean why not if it is in perfect condition and pay less. The issue is that where I live, such deals are hard to come by. I will try it whenever I get the chance though. Thanks!

Yup, certainly a thing that happens. There's something about the time and headspace friendship happens in. I have looked at some of my friends and thought "how did we ever come to be?", especially the ones you don't think will be in touch later end up staying forever. I value my friends a lot and always look for ways to connect with people. Connecting with new people, keeping meaningful people in my life and being there for them is very fulfilling for me. And this has happened more times than I can remember. What I tell myself is, it happens sometimes and it's not you and it's not them. You can't force things and definitely can't make people feel things they don't want to, even if their current feeling is a misunderstanding. Leave them be, it will happen if it has to. I also appreciate her honesty in openly telling you. Most people prefer to ghost you for whatever their reasons.

Thanks for letting me know. This is validating my concerns and I will look harder to find the correct therapist. I try to think that I pay so much money getting gadgets and it's way cheaper to find a fix.

Thanks for your reply. I have been donating stuff (laptops, desktops and accessories, used phones, clothes, money) to charity from time to time regardless of my purchases, so since it's something I already do, it won't feel like much of a change. I am generally not happy with refurbished things or used ones unless they are in mint condition. I work in the tech industry so I know these things quite well or so I'd like to think. So when I get something, even if it is last year's tech (I am fine with getting last year's tech if the price and specifications are worth), I prefer it new because I see the way people generally handle these things and the kind of abuse these gadgets take on a daily basis. So I feel uncomfortable getting refurbished or used ones because most of the time they are quite a gamble. The thought process is that I would rather spend a little extra and get the good / new one than get something someone hasn't used well or has been fixed / refurbished with parts that I don't know the sources of. I would definitely appreciate saving some if I get a really good condition used one but those really hard to come by. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts!

Thanks but I'm not post-sparring. Sorry, I did not mean to paint you with the broad brush, I was just thrown off by the replies. With all due respect to everyone, the post wasn't getting anywhere anyway with people being more focused on investigating whether I was married (which I did not mention on my post or profile and did not see the need to) and then insinuating what I was doing was without my wife's knowledge or whatever. If I felt I was doing something like that and needed help, I would have mentioned that clearly. The point of my post was to understand what to do and how to react in this situation and not a check/judgement on my moral compass. It now no longer matters since considerable time has passed since my original post and I did not contact her again, even after a brief meeting by chance at a store last week. Anyway, thanks for getting back to me.

Yes, I do have a healthy relationship with things. So I keep them for longer and I take care of them. I prefer to think that it is a privilege to have these and to own them. I don't have a storage problem at home and many of the things I buy are pocketable so that is not something that can stop me. Since some gadgets go outdated after a few years, I do upgrade them via trade-ins or selling them at a good price before getting something new. As someone mentioned here, it might be the rush of having something new making me want to buy them. To be honest, I buy very few things but these are costlier and higher in quality and that makes me feel bad for spending. And I might be doing it for the high, even though I might use them later but not as much as I'd like to for the kind of price I bought it for. I am considering this and have been trying to negotiate a deal with a therapist. Some of them I have attended in the past haven't been very effective. Some of them are not able to understand there is an obsession and I find it weird that they can't. Yes and glad that you are able to understand exactly what I am feeling. I buy a new watch though I keep a watch for a good few years, I don't use them as much as I'd like. I'm riding that high for a few days while buying it, receiving the package and using it for a few weeks. Then I move on to something else and maybe return to it later. Sometimes I get things that lay in my drawer and I get something new that might just do the same function but I just want to buy it new. This is exactly what is happening. I do feel a certain emptiness in my life. I have everything I want and have a good life. What am I soothing myself over or is it just the rush of buying, I am not sure at this point. I think it is a bit of both because I feel the need to get something to pat myself on the back every once a while. Thank you, I will check it out. I actually don't feel the need to show anyone what I own. If I bought the latest iphone, nobody knows except for my wife. It's like my own guilty pleasure. In my office and among friends, I don't know anyone who wants to live beyond their means. Different people spend on different things, like partying, travelling and many others but they don't necessarily splurge or buy on impulse. I don't buy on impulse either but I feel the need to get something for myself every now and then. Yes my necessities and those of my family are taken care of. I make sure of that and I'm focusing on my closing my credit card at the moment. I'm only feeling guilty because I could have more savings than I currently have, but this feeling hasn't been enough to prevent me from spending. Sounds like I want to have the cake and eat it too lol.

Woah, everyone is quick to judge huh? Or maybe I did not provide enough context, since I was just concerned about her. How did you guys assume I am married though? I don't seem to have mentioned anything about it in the post or my profile. Anyway, to be clear, I was using the BFF mode on the app, which lets you connect with people of similar interests. She was using the same too. Additionally, my profile says I am married and not looking for anything other than friends. I use it because you get to meet people with similar interests in your region which you otherwise would not meet. By similar interests I mean stuff like game, movies, art etc. If you have used the app, you know what I am talking about. To answer your questions: Thank you for understanding that I mean only well. I have not contacted her since this, we still follow each other on instagram and met by chance at a store once, but that's about it. More about that at the end of the post. Yes. I've told her about it and she has read the chats as well. No need to read "friend" as something else. I'm perfectly capable of maintaining a good friendship without turning it into something else. Yep. Like I said, it is mentioned that I am married on my profile and I'm using the BFF mode. Will try meetup sometime. Why did you all just assume that I did not disclose the fact that I am married? Yeah I get that. We were in touch in Instagram after we chatted on bumble. I haven't contacted her after she said this and I don't intend to. I was just genuinely worried and couldn't get my mind off it for a while. It's kind of harsh to assume things that I did not mention. I did not say I have feelings for her. I did not say I am pursuing anything behind my wife's back. I did not say that I hid the fact that I am married. Isn't this place supposed to be about not judging people and a safe space to be open about things? You are right, you don't know me at all. Thanks for starting with that or I'd have felt really bad about you being all judging and harsh. I am happy I did not read this earlier when I was in a bit of an emotional turmoil. I honestly did not expect such assumptions and judgements about my character and intentions, on ena. If I had anything more going on, I'd have mentioned it here instead of hiding it. After all, that's the intention of posting it here right? But it is quite understandable, since you don't know me and I cannot explain everything in a single post. Anyways, I was just genuinely worried about her mental state after getting to know the person she is and what she was going through. I have a handful of good friends whom I value a lot and she was a close one. Mom raised me to never ignore a person's strife and to be around for people, no matter what. But I guess her situation was out of my hand and I just hope she is going to be alright. I had not contacted her since our last chat where I told her I'd be around if she ever needed, but we happened to meet briefly at a grocery store last week. She said she was doing better and I hope she was ok but she looked tired, eyes red and dark circles around them. I didn't want to ask about it since I wanted to give her that space and we parted ways.

Hi. There's this girl I met over bumble. We talked a lot and over the next few weeks, we became quite close. She's very selective about connecting with men and initially, this threw me off but she said she's been through a lot. I never asked but she hinted at childhood trauma and also a previous relationship. I did want to press her for anything. Off late, she's been very distant and we fought over something silly. Later she told me she didn't want me to text her and she wasn't in the mood for "small talk". I told her I was with her no matter what but I'd been worried for her safety and health and texted her a few times, weeks apart. She told me she has been going to therapy for a few months now and that last week was very triggering. I don't know what she meant by triggering or whatever she's going through. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings by ghosting/ignoring me and told me that I could stay if I wanted to but also that she wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't. I am very worried about what she's going through but I can't help her until she wants me to and me 'staying' doesn't mean anything if we aren't in touch. So my question is, should I try to contact her again? I just want to be there for her but also give her the space if that's what she wants. Any advice is welcome, preferably from a girl/woman's side.

Hi. I know that's a very cliched question but I am struggling with greed for things. I am a very materialistic person and I have no control / very little control over my desire for things. I am glad I am strong enough to control my urges to feed my family and not cut corners when it comes to them. I also have put away some savings but that is not good enough, at least in my opinion. I need to save more. I love gadgets and I spend a lot monthly on them. I have most of the things I need and upgrade my phone every year. A big way of keeping myself excited/happy is buying things for myself and every now and then I try to justify it somehow to myself. I find myself resisting the urge to buy things sometimes while also trying to pay back my credit card and not buying things that I want but don't need. But there are some things that I can't argue with myself about, like say a new iPhone, no matter how small the upgrade is. This is affecting my savings for future plans. I know that I need to develop my willpower and nobody can do it for me. But before it is too late for me, I want to know what your advice is and if anything will be helpful. Thank you in advance!