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K. I'm back again. I guess I just can't seem to figure my bf out. That, or I'm making too big a deal out of things. So here's a recap of the situation. My bf of 8 years and I got in a really big fight, because he asked for a day to himself, and I made him feel guilty about not seeing me by whining and begging to see him when all he wanted was some time alone. Well, he was close to breaking it off, but after two weeks of some distance, he agreed to give me and us, another chance. SInce then, however, i feel like he's not giving me/us another chance. He never brings up getting together, I always have to. And I always end up feeling like I'm bothering him or something. I KNOW he is very stressed about work, and he did tell me today that he feels burnt out. It's not that I don't believe him when he says he's burnt out, but I guess I just don't understand why, despite feeling burnt out, he can still go out with "the guys", but not see me. Am I that much of a burden or something? SO my question is... is this a test or something? Could he be testing me to see how I will deal with this type or situation again? Will I start whining, and begging again? or does he really just not want to be with me? The few times we have see each other since we've been together have been pretty good - each time better than the last. (As in, we're getting back to normal). Like we are making SLOW progress. I dunno... Do you guys think I am making too big a deal out of this? Over the past three weeks, we have seen each other twice, and he doesn't call, and barely messages me. Could this attitude really all be attributed to the stress he feels from work? I'm the type of person who doesn't stress out too much about work... so maybe I just don't understand how he feels? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

oops, and also, I know that relationships have their ups and downs and I really do hope love will prevail but I'm very afraid of pushing him farther away with my actions. Where do I go from here? Am I supposed to leave him alone, and let him come to me, however long that takes? Should I constantly remind him I'm there for him? I'm always afraid that because he's so caught up in his own life, he'll just forget about me, or he'll just let me go. I dunno. Where do I go from here?

Swing Fox, thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel like I am at my wit's ends with my boyfriend - but I do not want to break up. I have tried encouraging him to find another job but he always says he does not have the time. I have tried to tell him that if he does not like the situation he is in, he has to try and change it - and that change does not just happen. Another job will not just fall in his lap. Because he did not react well to my suggestions, and felt that I was just pushing him, I stopped talking about finding a new job. I have even tried looking for jobs for him, myself, but when I told him about a possibility and suggested he take a look at the posting, he never did. He is NOT a communicator. When something is wrong, he rarely talks about it, and he hates having "discussions". He only seems to be willing to talk about non-serious things. I'm having a really hard time, however, trying to find things to talk about with him. We used to be able to talk about anything, but now I just find it so hard to have a conversation with him. Wow! Maybe our communication has deteriorated that much? In which case, how do I get it back?

mermayd, thank you for taking the time to reply. Your words do help. I wish I had discovered eNotalone a month ago when my boyfriend and I got in a huge fight, and almost broke up. That was when I pressured him into spending time with me when he just wanted to be by himself. At the time, his stress really did have nothing to do with me, but now I'm not so sure. At that time, I asked him for another chance and he agreed, but he said "You just expect me to forget about this?" (this being the fact that I really pressured him into hanging out with me). I said "no" but that I thought it was something we could work on. I think he hasn't forgotten it yet, which is also why he's keeping me at a distance but, like I said, the couple of times we've hung out since the big fight have felt right, and at those times, I don't question whether he loves me. I know he is a typical guy who hates talking and expressing himself, which is why I don't even want to bring up this whole distance thing. The last time I did that, it upset him cuz he said I always make things about me when they have nothign to do with me. So what do you suggest I do? Always just leave it up to him to determine when we spend time together? I don't know what the next step is. I just know I don't want to talk about 'US'. Argh! WHy can't things just go back to normal?!!!!!

darklich14, i don't know if u'll be checking this forum post but it really makes me happy to hear about your situation. I am basically in the same situation as you were in except that my boyfriend and I are still together. However, to me, it feels like his heart isn't in it, at times. SOmetimes I question whether it has to do with me, but I do believe that is has to do with unhappiness in other parts of his life. Like you, I am having a hard time accepting that he is pushing me away, and that just makes me want to try harder. Of course, me pushing him, only stresses him out more because he ends up feeling pressured. I try to give him space, but after about a week of him not contacting me, I start feeling like he doesn't miss me and I contact him. I think he should miss me after a week, but I don't think he does. How long do you think is a reasonable time for him to miss me? Anyway, your situation does give me the strength to be stronger with my own situation. I hope my story has a happy ending like yours.

Hi kantore I just wanted to say that it can definitely work. I think that the key tho is that u guys take it slow and not try to pick up where u left off. It's been almost a year and I'm sure that you guys have grown and maybe even changed in that time apart. The biggest mistake I made in getting back together with my ex is that I just assumed that we could go back to the way things were. The fact is tho... u can't. Break up usually means hurt, and lost trust, and sometimes it's hard to get over those things. BUT if this is something u both want, and u are both willing to put in the effort, then it can definitely work. It's been almost 3 years since my boyfriend and I got back together. We were also each other's first loves, broke up at 5 years, and were broken up for almost a year (8 months), so ur situation and mine have a lot in common. And although we are having some problems right now, I still think it can definitely work. Just take it slow, and try and let it happen naturally. Good Luck.

After my last post "Just Expressing Myself", I was feeling much stronger, and was convinced that it would be my boyfriend's loss if we broke up. Today, however, I'm not feeling so strong. I dunno... sometimes I just get the feeling that my boyfriend doesn't really care to be with me at all because he acts SO DISTANT at times. When we're together, everything always feel right, like we're on the right track, we're in sync, and I never doubt his love for me. When we're not together, though, I feel like he's pushing me away, doesn't miss me, doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me. He's not a big talker - I don't think he knows the phone's been invented yet. I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive and taking things too personally. I KNOW he's very unhappy with work. I guess it just hurts me that I can't seem to make him happy, and that he won't turn to me, even as a distraction. The only thing that he seems to use as a distraction are his video games Do you guys think that when people are unhappy with work, that could make them back off from their significant other? If so, then this is gonna be really tough cuz I don't see his job situation improving any time soon. He's not even really looking for another job. Can anyone give me any words of encouragement? I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks for your kind words everyone! Things are looking up for me on the job front! Woo Hoo! I officially start a new job TOMORROW!!!! YIPPEE!!!!! Not totally related to the engineering degree that I have BUT the job IS related to computers and I'LL TAKE IT! Gilgamesh - to answer your questions... YES, I kinda provoked the BIG FIGHT but I don't think he's waiting for me to make it up to him. I think he's just not over it yet, eventho he agreed to give me another chance. I guess it'll just take time. I'm just glad now that I have a job that'll keep me distracted during the day so I won't always be wondering about him. And about the low self esteem related to my unemployment... he had nothing to do with that cuz he had some trouble last year as well trying to find a job. And actually, he's miserable at the job he's at now. Probably the job that I just landed would be much better suited to him so I'll try and see what I can do once I've been working for a bit. My feelings of low self esteem definitely come from within. I just felt so utterly useless. I had put in so much time, effort and $$$ into getting a good, professional degree so that I specifically wouldn't have to worry about finding a job.. but alas, that's exactly the situation I found myself in. I was doing little temp jobs in between to earn money, but... I dunno... maybe I'm just a snob... I was totally unsatisfied doing what I considered to be menial, insignificant work when I had worked so hard to pursue a HIGHER EDUCATION. I'm trying to view this opportunity as my BIG BREAK and I intend to give it my all! Before the big fight, things seemed to be going smoothly. I knew he was stressed out about his own job situation, and that was making him retreat behind his big, brick cement wall. He barely had anything to say and I felt us growing kinda distant. Of course, that scared me. And the fact that I was also stressed out about not being able to find a job myself made me want to latch onto him. My sense of security. I think I expect him to be my rock when my world seems to be spinning out of control. But, I guess the problem is that he doesn't even feel in control of his own world, so he definitely is not in a position to stabilize mine. Not sure... whaddya think 'bout my analysis so far? I really don't think I ask for much but even what I do ask for seems to be too much for him right now. I love him tho and ultimately want to be with him. I know he's going through some inner turmoil tho. That's why I'm just trying to focus more on myself while he sorts out whatever's going on with him. I think this job is a good start. I'm trying to discover what my passion is. I don't have one but I wish I did. My boyfriend has a passion. His is video games. Whenever he doesn't want to deal with anything, he immerses himself in videogames and plays them every opportunity he gets. I think I need some sort of distraction like that. Thanks. I'd totally appreciate any support people can give. I know I am strong, but it never hurts to have people behind you to lend u that little extra bit...

I'm slowly going crazy over here. My boyfriend of 8 years and I got in a BIG fight about 3 weeks ago, and we almost broke up. Well... he's agreed to give me another chance and give it another try. The thing that frustrates me is that, eventhough he's agreed to this, he's put NO effort in since. I'm trying to put the ball in his court, trying to stay away so that he'll miss me but I get really frustrated when, after a week, he still hasn't called or even IM'd me to say Hi. I feel like he doesn't care at all. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, cuz I know there's really nothing I can do. I'm just here to vent. I decided to try and focus on myself. I'm a new graduate that's still unemployed so I decided to really try and focus on finding a job (not that i wasn't earlier). It's really hard to distract urself with other activities too when u have no money. Just about EVERYTHING takes money. I decided that I should try and meet new people. Maybe that would serve as a good diversion, get me excited about someone new so I won't be thinking about HIM all the time. Anyone want a new friend? Haha! I keep telling myself that if he chooses to let me go, it's HIS LOSS! Although I don't have a job right now, I will be very successful one day. I'm an intelligent girl with a professional degree!!! I'm sweet, and caring too. Haha! What am I doing here anyway? Making a personal add?! Ahhh... I feel better now that I've written all this out. I just want to be loved. Well, I know he loves me, but darned if he shows it. How much space am I supposed to give him? How much is too much, and how much is not enough? Anyone got any ideas? I'm trying to make it so that we see each other once a week, but I know it's not good to try and arrange these things. I just miss him, miss him, miss him. In the meantime, leave me a message if u wanna make a new friend Good Luck to everyone trying to get back together. I know the feeling.

Lokide, I'm not sure what the solution is to your problem but I really wish somebody would answer your post on what to do in a situation like yours cuz I'd like to know what to do too. I wish I could offer you more help. Unfortunately tho, I seem to be in a similar situation where right after Valentine's Day, me and my boyfriend got in a huge fight, and things haven't been the same since. I feel almost like he's shut me out completely even tho he says he'll give me another chance. But everytime I see him online, and he doesn't IM me to say Hi, it HURTS. I'm trying to stay tough, trying to not be so available to him... make him start wondering where I am... maybe make him miss me a little more, but who knows how long that'll take and in the meantime, I'm DYING inside. But when I feel at my weakest and most vulnerable, I read stupid magazine articles on how to win guys, or I read posts here about others and how they're dealing with their situations. That helps me a little. Sometimes it just helps to know that u're not the only one in that situation. Good Luck. Hang in there.

I have a story for you.... ME! Me and my boyfriend had been together for five years when I broke it off with him. Honestly, I have to say that at the time I was sooo sure that I was making the right decision. We were still very young and I was getting curious. Anyway, I went about my life for 8 months, while my boyfriend tried to get over me. One day, it was like I was struck by lightning, and it dawned on me that I TRULY LOVED my boyfriend, and I told him I wanted to get back together with him. He didn't believe me at first, thought I would just change my mind again, but he said we could give it a try. So there u go! IT DEFINITELY DOES HAPPEN!!!

Wow! I'm so with you on your feelings of paranoia. Like I said in my Post "Is THere Any Hope?", my boyfriend did agree to give me another chance, and we are supposed to go for dinner on Monday, but, like you, I am also paranoid that he will suddenly cancel the plans on me. Of course, this won't give me the chance to prove to him that I can change that bad habit of mine. I definitely don't have any answers for you, or I wouldn't need to post my problem here either. I just hope that it all works out for you. I think you are right to be cautious, but my question to you is, if he does suddenly change his plans, how are you going to handle the situation? Because, like me, you are looking forward to your night together and I"m sure you will be very disappointed if this date doesn't happen.

Thanks for replying, Debbie. Your post made me feel better. To answer your questions, we haven't seen each other in almost two weeks... if we do see each other on MOnday, that will mark two weeks apart. However, throughout the two weeks, we've talked a little every few days. Of course, it was me calling, mostly just to say Hi. I honestly didn't know how mad he was at me until a couple of days ago. (we got in a big fight two weeks ago). A couple of days ago is also when I asked him to give me, us, another chance, and he agreed. I don't know why I'm so paranoid that he's going to cancel MOnday's dinner. What if he does? What should I do? To answer your other question about whether I've thought about whether I can cope without him. I mean, I guess I would have to learn, but if there's one thing I know, it's that I WANT to be with HIM. HE IS THE ONE. You see, three years ago, I broke up with him for about 8 months. In that time, I realized that no one's perfect, and despite his bad faults, he seems to be perfect for me. It was a VERY SLOW process to get him back, but eventually, he let his guard down - although not completely. Even now, he still has a pretty high wall up where I'm concerned. I want to make sure that he understands how much I love him, and want to be with him, without sounding too desperate. But he hates having these types of "discussions" and pretty much shuts down during them. I guess that's why I"m worried he only agreed to give it another chance to quickly get me off the phone and end the discussion. I'm really anxious though, and I miss him like crazy.

My boyfriend of 8 years and I seem to have hit a rough patch in our relationship. This patch is so bumpy, he is questioning whether we should still be together. All of this came about because I was a loser and I forced him to see me when all he wanted was one day to himself (not that we see each other everyday. We see each other once or twice a week at best). Anyway, even as I was begging him to see me, I knew that it was the wrong thing to do but I couldn't help myself. I just missed him so much. Well, I should have been able to predict that this would happen... my boyfriend now says that things between us are not so good, but he has agreed to give me the opportunity to change. I'm thankful that he's said this but I still worry that it might already be too late. That despite his agreeing to give me another chance, he has already made up his mind and decided that we won't work. Any opinons out there? Also, now that he has agreed to give it another chance, where do I go from here? what's the next step? Am I supposed to leave it up to him, or make the next move? I asked him whether we could go out for dinner in the next few days, and use that event as a sort of fresh starting point, and he said yes but part of me is somewhat paranoid that he will cancel the dinner, not giving me the opportunity to prove to him that I can change. I know that this is not something I will be able to prove in one day, but it would be a start. At least to get him to start seeing me again.

cd101, I totally understand how you feel. I have this nagging feeling that my 8 year relationship with my bf is coming to an end. And I'm desperately trying to hang on. He agreed to give us another chance, and I will really try to make it work but still I know how u feel. Even though he has agreed to give it another try, I feel almost as if I have already lost him. I, too, believe that he is THE ONE for me. Yes, neither one of us is perfect, but, like you and your gf, we go so well together. He truly is the love of my life and I cannot picture a future without him. Lucky for me, there does not seem to be anyone else in his life so hopefully we can work this out and stop it from getting worse. Just know that I feel your pain too. You are not alone. And I drive strength from hearing how others, like yourself are able to deal with your situations. I find that I constantly give in to my temptations to call him, and see him, even when I know he wants some space. Hearing that other people have the courage to back off (as hard as it is), gives me the strength to do it too.