Thanks to you all for the helpful and thoughtful replies. I do think I need to take things less personally and that is something that I am starting to realize and work on. It is hard to stand by and observe dysfunction but I suppose this is what being an adult is. I do suspect that the environment is more toxic here than average but I recognize that I’d likely encounter significant dysfunction nearly anywhere else.
I do plan to change jobs eventually. As I’m solidly mid career and mid life (41), I am becoming keenly aware that the years are going to go fast. If they are, I’d rather have them go fast closer to home. I’m an overanalyzer and a planner, and I’ll admit that I fear I’ll regret working away these good years for people who don’t really appreciate me enough (in my opinion) in a job that depletes my mental health while my parents remain relatively healthy. In my 20s and even 30s, 30 years was a timespan that was difficult to comprehend, but I appreciate better how quickly the next 30 might go. I’ve seen many older colleagues go through some pretty severe burnout, divorces, and mental health issues to the point where they’re simply going through the motions now, although no one seems to address this. I’ve worked too hard and have too wonderful and supportive of a spouse to let that happen to me.
Not knowing exactly what I want to do adds to my stress. But in the meantime I’ll focus mostly on controlling what I can control and not letting the things I can’t get to me too much. By leaving I will give up some great things, but I am pretty sure I won’t regret it once it happens.