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BigKK

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BigKK last won the day on February 26 2014

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About BigKK

  • Birthday 05/24/1985

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  1. Ah why thank you and welcome. We are over-thinkers and I think at the age of 29 I am just coming to terms of it that my brain needs to have a lot on it's plate to stay satisfied. My closest friend and I both help each other realizing how we operate and try to work on becoming better. He'll check my thoughts and try to guess why I'm feeling or thinking the way I am, and I do the same for him...we've known each other our whole lives and my mom often makes fun of the two of us for being over sensitive. I remember I had a guidebook to dogs that my dad made me study religiously before I was allowed to have a pet, I picked the German Shepard, and feel as though my brain operates a lot like a German Shepard. I'm really on a tangent since I'm inputting this after writing my initial response, and shows how "ADD" I can be but I find it funny I can describe myself like one of my pets "The German Shepherd does make a phenomenal family companion, but as a working breed they thrive when they are active and given some sort of job to do." More or less that's me. Anyway time to go stir up some more "projects." I want a bathtub like that too! I don't think I'm getting it for another ten years, but it's going to happen. I am quite amazed that you reflect on your childhood a lot Lo, you seem to have a good memory for it and bring it up a lot...I'm not saying it's a bad thing but just an observation. As for you in school I felt the same way, this quiet polite boy that always did what he's told and was always behind on everything... chasing girls, kisssing, drinking, etc I have been a late bloomer and was insecure about it for awhile until one day I realized that that's just me, and the people that get me love me for it. Even though now I am more corrupted or have been than most. Regardless I don't think your image is a bad one and not unachievable but I wonder if you simply associate this with success or happiness. The trick is we always reset our happiness baseline so once you get that claw leg bathtub you might need the golden curtains to really tie it all in, and perhaps a summer house with beautiful gardens to relax away from the home. I guess I don't have a point except that once we get our dream sometimes it's like we're never happy and need to find the next mission, I know this is the case with myself and physical possessions, they're little jolts of dopamine that tend to wear off fairly quick, I know there's studies about it, and don't mean to talk down about a claw foot bathtub since I want one too.
  2. It's BigKK and his overthinking... had a good spree of over-the-top can't get her off my mind I want to breath the same air as her feeling for awhile, but it's subsided back to normalness. You're welcome to check it out, I have my crazy days still As far as your latest entries, it sounds like you need some kind of excitement and you're being complacent perhaps. If life is boring you, then stir it up... do something random and wild, you're allowed to. I agree with the positive message, it may come off as too "Self-helpy" at times, but it's better to listen to something positive that might motivate you than a recording of someone telling you "why bother, we're all gonna die anyway, what's the use, it's going to all end badly" etc etc etc. I experience these kind of people all the time, and they often times blame the universe for everything. Your 4 bedroom is achievable but you're gonna have to put a few things in motion to get it.
  3. Your road trip sounds something exactly I am yearning for! Everyone once in awhile I get that feeling of "I need to get out of this city." It sounds like you guys really connected and I love when that builds up to closeness and intimacy so much you have to pull over the car! Good for you! I will say a few hail mary's for you. Staying busy is usually the key to my success as far as steering clear of self-defeating thoughts, although sometimes (as revealed in my journal) it's a method to push things out and not deal with them. Gonna check out the song love the Chromatics! Glad I could help, seems as though I have a voice of reason until it sometimes comes to myself and my own thoughts and emotions and then I lose grip occasionally. Being self-employed is wonderful and can be a curse...I've ran a personal training studio, and I loved it, but I also just got a little bit burnt by it. Partially I think during the time, I wasn't in the right place yet...partially I just wasn't motivated enough. I wish I could re-do it, I'd do things differently now, but personally after going through that and being successful and failing to a certain point opened up my eyes that perhaps for ME long term I don't see it happening. If you have the passion for it though you can definitely make it happen, teach it, create a program, train others to do it and get a studio going. Here in Southern California there is one highly successful pole dancing studio that is booked up all the time.
  4. Hey Lo, first off apology accepted, I do make them look good. As far as your feelings and sentiments, a lot of this is probably coming from the absolute boredom from your day-to-day job...there is no passion when you write about your work days...borderline depressing. You know you were happy dancing because it was much better money, so this is a great alternative for you. My suggestion is changing it up, and realizing like you're writing...you can do whatever you want. If your job makes you so unhappy, change it. Also explore other possibilities. I don't think there is anything wrong with dancing, but I'd suggest looking at longer term avenues because you don't want to be in this position once age takes your looks and you have no fallback plan. Essentially don't be short-sighted and perhaps explore more possibilities? Hell, maybe hold down two jobs? I often had similar feelings in certain jobs that felt absolutely mind numbing and it made me want to run away from "conventional" jobs. Now I am slowly carving out a way towards something I can see myself being happy doing into my old age, I'm changing this at age 29, by the time I'm done I'll be 32-33 and not really worried about it, since I will have another 30 years after that of working...so why not change now, rather than wake up when I'm in my 40's and depressed about this to the point of no return. I'm wondering if you've ever considered completely different fields that could make you happy but are stuck on this "boring office job" or dancing. I would often make these black and white comparisons in my mind, and they usually led me to inaction. (In my example, I always considered studying again as this insurmountable treacherous mountain that I can't even attempt so why bother, and then it leads to a depressing office job since all office jobs are depressing. So I wonder if you perhaps have similar thought processes that block out any other possibility, it's either dancing or depressing office jobs, nothing in the middle? If none of this makes sense I apologize, I'm still running on handfuls of dayquil
  5. One step at a time Lo as far as the list goes! Focus on one thing then go onto the next one. As far as your job goes, sounds really depressing when you write about it! You need to find something you love! Sounds like stripping was more exciting, was there any drawbacks? I can't imagine it checks the mental stimulation box in an intellectual sense, but I bet it's exciting which is the opposite of your current job. Perhaps a job change or search is in order? Hey and lay off the comic pajama bashing...nothing wrong with a grown man wearing Tasmanian devil boxers to bed... (with matching shirt and socks naturally)
  6. Can I second this? Lo you have one of the most delightful writing styles...it's really enjoyable to read. I find myself sometimes think "aww, I wish someone would write or think about me like that" Regardless, I have nothing to add really...looking forward to keeping track of you and D. I can relate to your entry about freezing time, I catch myself realizing in those perfect moments of life to just enjoy them and relish in them.. can't freeze time, so we better soak it up when we can.
  7. A very close friend of mine was in a relationship for a year with a girl. Her girlfriend broke up with her out of the blue, (in order to sleep with another girl) My friend was shattered and completely dazed. For a year and a half, she just casually dated around. She moved in with another girl (insert uhaul joke) And after a year and a half she started talking to her ex after bumping into her at a farmer's market. They kept running into each other and kept talking. After about a month of that, they got back together. She was super excited and happy. I wasn't too thrilled about it personally since I thought her ex was manipulative. But they moved in together now, they're married. Her ex made her sell her car. Had her cut off contact with most of her friends (including me). So last I heard, she's "happy" but secretly miserable, but put all of her eggs in this ex basket. So yeah, reconciliation happens...but sometimes it shouldn't, and often times I think people make wrong decisions simply because they can't deal with loneliness. This is one of those cases.
  8. haven't read for awhile, but reading a business book right now and this The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide: How to Declutter, Organize, and Simplify Your Life Francine Jay --- basically taking advtange of the fact that I'm moving to a different country and getting rid of most of my worldly possessions, want to basically own a few t-shirts, pants, etc
  9. Wow! I'm Approaching 6 months?! Thanks ENA, I sometimes look back to my early posts, I was so blinded with pain and so lost. I'd do anything to stop that feeling... It's interesting to now read new (and old) members going through similar things and remember that pain. I am just waiting on my money from my ex and a few random things. Hi Violet, I don't know how your break up went but good on you for holding out for 4 months. I get a little bit of a sense of still wanting reconciliation or am I misreading your post?
  10. Day 6 Broke up 2 weeks ago but we were communicating about move out stuff since we lived together. the last week was really good for me. Hung out with my best friend a lot, met a few new great people. I have been very kind and compassionate to everyone I come in contact with, not that I wasn't before...but I think I am mindfully trying to just be nicer. This morning a good friend of mine told me that she texted him asking how he was (he got injured) I got upset with him, and told him I said no details about her. And he defended himself by telling me exactly what she said, haha. I got over it, going to exercise today, and hang out with my friend. I have set up my room at my new place, and sorting a few things out in my life. Trying to be a better me.
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