Dau

Hate to necro-post, but I feel I should update how things have been in the past (almost) year. Around november or december he continuously lied to me over and over again over an extended period of time and gave me the truth. It hurt, badly. There was much conflict between us, I moved to the other side of the room in our chemistry class, and we didn't speak for months. Eventually we gave friendship another try in April. Though, before we did that, I had gotten a boyfriend the day before Valentine's Day; his name is Jack. Though things were going pretty well between us, we lived a bit far apart, and he was manic depressive. Eventually his emotions got the best of him and we broke up 2 months later. The day after we broke up, Drew began sitting next to me in class. It was rather ironic, creepy, and I wasn't able to move on as quickly as Drew had. But we still kept an open friendship and I let him know when I got together with Jack and when he broke up with me. Yeah, I still have feelings for Drew, and it still burns in me. I call him every now and then just to talk a little. I don't know if we'll still be friends after highschool though. Before I confessed my feelings for him it would seem so. But now I have my doubts. As for him, he's still being pulled around by a leash in a way from his parents. He's stuck in Band, and can't get a real job because Band consumes his daily life, so he's working around the house for his parents and getting paid for it. I don't think he'll be prepared for a real life once he's out of his parents' grasp. And my mother says she feels sorry for him because of that. Oh, and I got a job a few weeks ago; I get my first paycheck on Thursday. Being a cart guy sucks though

I was being a fool, I was jumping to conclusions. I called him last sunday, told him how I felt, questioned our friendship. Things were shakey from there, but I told him to give me space. Then I called him last night saying we could still be friends, but he said he wasn't sure that we could be. Then he wanted me to go off campus for lunch with him and a few other friends today, so I did. We had a great time! After school I called drew and we talked things out; we're friends still. Not much more to say other than that. Oh, and I've come to realize that as long as I want him to love me, that won't happen. At least that's what I believe. So I'm just going to try and brush off my feelings for him when they pop up. Yay! PS: Invader Zim RULES!

He's been avoiding me, he'll barely talk to me at all, and despite the fact that he says he'll take me home, he's been avoiding that too. Tuesday he couldn't take me because he had to stay at school for band, yesterday he took wesley to wesley's house so he could see a comic, and told me to get a ride with someone else, and today he left the school before I even got outside. By now I don't want to have anything with him. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to be near him, and theres nothing he can do or say that will make me feel better. Nothing. All he can do now is piss me off or just stay away like he's doing now. It's an unfortunate repeat of the past, but I guess I'll have to deal with it. I guess this is the end between he and I. Now I feel like I can no longer trust people, and I question why I even have friends at all.

I stayed up late last night writing drew a letter. A long one. In fact, it's the longest single thing I've ever written by hand, ever. The letter is 7 pages long total. I write really small too So, I handed it to him this morning, we barely talked. But it made me feel good that I could release everything I've felt about my entire life into a single piece of paper, among a few other things. I wrote it mostly so he could understand me more. So even though he didn't really talk to me this morning, I still felt really good today. Today was reallllly long too, especially my first three classes. My last one disappeared pretty fast... hehe. After my last class, I sped up to meet with wesley and drew. I didn't see drew, but I saw wesley, so I randomly smacked him with my binder, and he acted surprised. Then drew smacked wesley's little brother (who's in my last class with me) with HIS binder, and we just laughed. I walked with drew to his locker, and he seemed to get ticked off. So I just didn't say anything, wondering if he'd bother driving me home today, and if he was mad at me. When we got outside he talked to a girl about homework, then we reached the parking lot and I asked if he didn't want to drive me home. He said he would, and then said he was just mad.. I still thought he was mad at me though. Soooo I asked if he was mad at me, and he said he wasn't, and asked if he had to tell me everything; I replied with a no. We reached his truck, I got in, he still seemed ticked off. When we drove past some people that he knows, he flipped them off as we drove by. I figured THEY are who he was mad at. So we talked bit by bit during the drive to my house, and he seemed to cool down a bit, distracted by our rambling. He was in a decent mood by the time we got to my house, and I wished him a happy weekend when I got out. He drove me home today, and he's going to read my letter. Yay. I bet you're wondering what the letter is about though? Mostly about me, actually. link removed It was slightly modified when I actually wrote it, as I typed it before I wrote it. Took me several hours to create and write. And.. some of the most personal stuff is explained in there. Beware.

Things between him and I are adjusting a bit now.. During chemistry he kept wanting to mess with my rubik's cube (I'm becoming quite famous for being the only one out of everyone around me that can solve one, heh. I solve it about 15 times a day because people keep scrambling it But I wouldn't let him because he might get it taken up, since he doesn't pay attention in chemistry much, and because we had a state benchmark test then a quiz. So after chemistry we had lunch, and I just kinda split off from him. I ate lunch completely alone (like I usually do), then when drew came back from sonic he bugged me about the cube again, so after hassling him a bit, I let him. I didn't want him to scramble it but he did anyways, and.. heh. So I walked with him onto the next class, even though we don't have the same class, and he asked "why are you following me?"; I replied "I'm not, I'm just going the same direction you are" and he said "but you could take another pathway" and I said "well, I could, but I'm not because I don't wan t to." Then while going downstairs I sped ahead of him and he said "you're going fast" so I slowed down and replied "yeah, but why do you care?" and he said "I don't Grar, even in tense situations he's such a tease, even if minimally. I swear I didn't see him after that though. I just rode the bus home like I've been doing this week.

Well I tried talking to him, and he looked frustrated, and would barely talk to me. I asked if he was going to talk to me today and he said "I just did". Then he asked if I wanted him to drive me home, saying he couldn't because he had to stay for tutoring. By then we were outside; he was heading to his truck to get stuff he left in there, and we broke off so I could get to my bus. *sigh* I don't think he's comfortable talking with me yet. But yes, what pisses me off is that he has the nerve to freak out and want to stay away from me, when he doesn't realize he's lucky to have someone that actually likes him. Okay it may be a first reaction but still.. I've never had anyone tell me that they like me at all, not as a crush or anything that significant, and here he's got two girls with a crush on him and I'm in love with him. I'd do anything to be in his position. And yet he thinks I have no reason to be depressed..

I actually talked to Drew about 10 minutes ago. He seemed okay with talking to me.. 'twas weird. I told him that I was a bit mad at him for a few things, and he apologized. I apologized for suggesting that we never talk again, and he accepted it, and said he'd go along with it if I needed to. He still thinks that I can just stop loving him. So I asked him if he's ever been in love, and he said he has. Then he had to go because his mom was getting on his back about things, so he said he'd talk to me tomorrow, if I wanted to. Not really sure what to think but I guess it's good..

I can kindof see where you're at; personally I mostly have an attraction toward middle-aged men, but they're just fantasies. I don't want to actually act upon them, and it'd be too weird to be with someone that could be my dad. Maybe you'll get over this, and realize it's not quite what you want. Fantasies are perfectly fine as long as they don't get acted upon or negatively affect your life.

Being around to help others so you can feel better isn't really selfish, because you're helping others while simultaneously helping yourself. If only everyone was like that, this world would be much better. Meh.. As for me, I think I'm going to spend a few weeks thinking about how emotions exist. Philosophical research on them, if you will. How they work, why we have them, how people respond to them, what happens when people do certain things with them, etc. I want to broaden my views on emotions so I can understand them better. Since we're not really friends anymore (or at least putting our friendship on hold) and it's too much of a type-full to refer to him now, I'm gonna just use his name from now on. I think it'd be safe to do so. And twice before I've accidently typed out his name in my posts, which have been edited out. But now I'm going to use his name, since I think it'd be okay. Drew's views on emotions are very shallow, probably because of his mixed beliefs, and self-denial. I really do think that he's denying something very important about himself, maybe not his sexuality; maybe his views on the world, or something. I don't know, but I really think he's denying the truth about something, and he's keeping it locked inside. From my experience, if anyone ever keeps emotions to themself, it's going to harm them in some way. Retaining anger causes massive stress on the body and often causes people to do things they don't normally do. Repressing any emotion causes it to build and grow inside until you go mad or it bursts out of you, or you become depressed because your emotions, feelings, and ideas drain away all the positive stuff in you. Also from my experience, depression usually is caused by constant negativity in a person's life, or a life-shattering experience. In most cases though theres denial or shame involved, which is why I think Drew is hiding something from himself. I don't think having bad grades a lot and never having a girlfriend is bad enough for a person to be suicidal, there HAS to be something else.. Drew thinks emotions and feelings are fully controllable by a person. In some respect that might be possible with meditation and such, but for 99% of people I don't think people can control them. He makes an exception for depression, that it's a chemical imbalance in the body, and that he's okay but yet he thinks I have no reason to be depressed. Basically, he's denying having any problems, and puts the blame on me. Ugh. A chemical imbalance doesn't happen for no reason. It's probably a restructure of the body and mind's processing of emotions and feelings from a massive/chronic change and repeated thoughts. Living beings have their ways to evolve and adapt to changes. Such as if the world becomes 20 degrees colder around the entire globe, people would probably start growing hair more/faster. Or the bacteria in the world becoming stronger and more resistant to anti-bacterial stuff because we're constantly using lotions, soaps, etc on everything to get rid of bacteria when we really don't need to. They evolve to combat things. Our immune system gets used to diseases when it learns how to combat them. That is evolution and adaption. So a chemical imbalance in the body, how does that happen? I havn't done proper research yet, although I plan to in the next few weeks. My theory is that when constantly bad things happen in a person's life, like them being socially and physically abused at school, that person starts losing hope in things getting better because they only (seem to) get worse. The body starts 'forgetting' happy emotions, and rebuilds itself to accept negative emotions more since they're more frequent. It's like a pipeline system to the body, each different emotion having its own pipe. "If the good pipes are never used, why have them? Get rid of them and make room for the negative ones! Make the negative ones bigger so they can accept larger flows! Quick, before one of the pipes break!" That's how I see the body works and responds. And as such, it changes chemical balance and composition in the body to compensate for these changes as well. Then there's Drew's idea that love can simply vanish if we spend less time together. Uh, I think not. It would take extremes for me to stop loving him. The only reason I 'stopped' loving him for a few days is because he pretty much betrayed me, and all I could think is "how could I love a person that would do this to me?". Love isn't about sex. It's not about spending time with someone, although that can amplify it. Love is about caring about a person, wanting to be with them, liking them like no other, and understanding that person far more than others. You want to share your emotions with them. And the reason why love is retained is probably because thinking about when you loved that person, it made you happy. Being happy is something no one should not want. And as such, happy feelings are retained, and desired. But onward.. Often on the news or shows like Oprah/Montel/whatever, you can watch and see these marriages that are so screwed up, yet the abused wife still loves her husband, even if he hits her all the time. Love is not an emotion that comes and goes. Well, maybe it is for some people, but for most it's almost permanent. You love a person because your body's network of opinions aligns with the others', and when you love a person, you love the person you fell in love with. A woman (or man, whatever.. funny I'm talking about a straight couple where the woman is abused even though this is a gay/bi/trans board.. although often that's the case) still loves the person she fell in love with, and has hopes t hat her spouse/boyfriend/whatever (I'm trying to be broad here) will return to what they once were. Or in cases like my parents, she refuses to divorce because she doesn't believe in it, and puts up with the bad stuff. And, they often deny that theres anything wrong, that he's actually good and that they love him. Such is the complications of relationships. One of the examples that Drew tried pulling out of his *** is if someone says really stupid stuff that annoys you, you have control over your emotions to not turn around and punch that person. No, you don't have control over your anger. You have control over what you DO with it. You don't choose to be angry, your body does that for you. And let me explain another theory I have about how that works. Why do people get angry at little things like someone calling another person a bad name or saying something generally stupid and ignorant? Why should you care what they say? Well, let's see. Personally I hate it when people quote stuff from the movie Napolean Dynamite. I hate that movie, it proves how stupid people can be. It's not even close to funny, I have no emotion toward it except "This is so boring and stupid, and it almost insults my capability of having intelligence. Please drown me in a bucket That's my feelings toward that movie. So when someone quotes something from it to be funny, it annoys me because it reminds me of it, and it makes me wonder why they think it's funny, and I also wonder how they can be so stupid. But them being stupid is my opinion. Emotions are built on a network of opinions threaded in our mind, and it's like sending electricity through a circuit. Where that electricity ends up going depends on the network of circuitry it goes through, and how much electricity there is. We don't just HAVE emotions for no apparent reason, we have them because we build up opinions and let ideas intwine to formulate an emotion: a way to respond to the outside world and to ourselves. Our opinions come from our intelligence, our way of questioning things, and accepting things. Facts that we build in this world and teach in schools, we teach them to kids, and the kids usually accept them. Those that try and question it really can't because the facts are proven, and theres nothing left to question. But as you get older and things taught are more complicated, theres usually holes to look through, questions still to ask. This topic is supposed to be about Drew, and still is. But I need to analyze emotions for personal gain, to understand Drew, and possible to help him. I really think he's keeping something inside, and I aim to help him figure out what it is, possibly dealing with it. He just needs to understand that emotions are not simple, and love is the mother of complicated emotions. I just hope he doesn't do anything bad while I try and figure things out. Oh, and while I'm researching emotions, I'm going to try and stablize my own.

Y'know, it's pretty immature to say that you're making it difficult for others to figure you out when you're in transition. Sure, it might be difficult for them, but if they can't respect that you're dealing with one of the most personal things you can have in your life, why are they bothering to worry in the first place? A lot of people that claim they're bi tend to have an attraction toward both sexes, and have maintained that preference for a long period of time. But over additional time, that might change. A person can't know what the future holds, and you're saying that people should expect that. As such, your statements are quite immature. I've had an attraction to guys since I was 4. Yeah, that early of an age. But I fell in love with one girl I knew in jr. high. I still miss her, but I don't have any sexual attraction to females anymore, and thus I'm gay. Did I expect my preference to change? No. Where I live, being bi is just as significant as being gay. So claiming that I'm bi doesn't make things easier. Thanks for being judgemental though

Yeah but you see L8RISER, you're saying if someone is bi and liked the gay side then they should be gay. That isn't necessarily true. You're saying people shouldn't take two sides, only one. Or at least that's the impression you're giving. If you intend to say something else, try rewording it better. And while you think your blunt attitude is going to work, it doesn't always, and some people aren't going to like you because of it. Just consider that.

Right now I just feel like I'm not able to have a best friend at all. Or ever love anyone because I'll just hurt them in the end. Or ever be loved. Because no one has ever told me that had a crush on me, and I've never caught anyone checking me out. Simply because I'm not worth it. It's my fault for loving him, and it's my fault for having any emotions at all.

Apparently he thinks emotions are controlled by us except for depression. And thus he thinks my condition is my fault, and that I have to fix myself, and that I'm in no condition to talk to him anymore. We decided, we're not friends anymore. Now I want nothinh more in this world than to just die becacubg of the pain I'm in right now. I've hd nervous breakdowns all day, and right now I can't stop crying. The emoptional pain Ive got at thmeomnt is worse than any pain I've ever exerienced. It's because of this pain that I wish I didn't have moetions, and I regfet being human. I don't want to feel any,ore, I just want to die.

*sigh* You know, life sucks. It does. I've figured out on my own that he's straight. I can't change that. I've also figured out that I don't hardly like women at all anymore, and thus I now declare myself gay. I guess all this time I've been wishing I could like both, to at least be half normal (even though it shouldn't matter anyways). But I'm gay. He said he would probably never associate with me again if I ended up gay, and if I ended up straight he would 'help' me. But this is the day I told him I was bi, within half an hour afterword, and we've been through a lot; that considered he probably has changed his mind. My birthday was yesterday (please don't tell me happy birthday, it wasn't happy at all because I wouldn't let it be). I didn't want anything for my birthday. Not really anyways. I'd be fine if I got no presents at all. However, there is one sole thing I wanted for my birthday, something I can't have, something that you can't put a pricetag on. I wanted to be with my best friend. I guess what triggered this thought is that he couldn't drive me home on my birthday because he had a band sectional, and that kinda hurt me. It also hurts me when he's walking down the halls at school talking with a girl. It might not be much, but I don't think I could be in more pain once he gets a girlfriend. Just another thing I'll have to deal with.. Because he's suicidal though, I'm afraid of telling him all this. I'm afraid of hurting him. I don't know how he'll respond, and in a way I don't want to know. But I don't see it being a good response. So since Monday night, I've been heavily depressed. I've regretting having feelings for him, for being capable of thinking, for being human. And in a way I just want to be 'normal' like everyone else, to like the opposite sex and not have to worry about whether my feelings are right or not. The past year or two I've been acceptant of who I am, but because of my best friend and my feelings for him, I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel that all I've done is freak him out and make him think things that he could possibly try harming himself because he's confused. I really don't want to put him through this anymore. But to do that I've have to erase my existence from his life, and theres no good way to do that. I just have to deal with it, he just has to deal with it. And the process of doing so is scary and difficult. So, with all that, my feelings have shot me down to a new low. I've been so speechless in how I feel that I'm almost numb in the negative sense. And anytime I try thinking about it, all I can feel is pain. I love him, but I know he won't love me back in the same way. And yet, I feel selfish because I'm so concerned about my own feelings and not his. But I can't control how I feel; how I feel is how I feel, theres no denying it. If I suppress my feelings, it'll hurt me. And if I express them I'll just hurt him. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't simply be patient, because over time I start thinking about things, and thinking just hurts. Anything I take action on is significant toward him, and I'm scared of what the end result will be. It can't be good, I know that. But knowing that I won't be loved back in the same way, it makes me feel alone, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve my feelings. Thinking about all this has made me depressed, and everyone can tell. My teachers, my friends, my parents. More importantly, my best friend noticees the most. And he wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong when he drove me home today. I could tell it was hurting him because he wanted to help but I wouldn't let him, and he stated that. He probably felt I was rejecting him, he was saying I could tell him anything. But I felt if I said anything that all I would do is hurt him, and I don't want to hurt him. I really don't. However not telling him and just keeping quiet is hurting me and hurting him as well. He probably thought he couldn't trust me if I didn't talk to him. And I can understand that. He just wanted to help, and I wouldn't let him. But I did let him know why I'm depressed. Not by telling him, but by writing a letter ahead of time, and giving it to him when we got to my house. He immediately opened up the letter and started reading it. Seeing that, I cried as I left his truck and went inside. I feel like it was the worst thing I ever did to a person. Since I'm on dialup and he's probably in shock right now, to know that I'm gay, that I'm still in love with him, and that I'm hurt because of him even though it's not his fault, he probably won't call, and even if he did he'd just get a busy signal since my connection is taking up the phoneline. Tomorrow I have a class with him in Chemistry, and we have lunch together. But I think I might avoid him, simply because I don't want to face it, and he probably doesn't either. I feel cruel, and it hurts. All I've felt in the past week is pain, and it's all come from my feelings, my thoughts, all created from myself. This is why I regret being capable of thinking, and this is why I regret who I am. Regret doesn't change anything though, it just adds to my feelings, and only for the worse. I'm in a state where I don't want to feel better because I can't see how things can be worse or better. They just are. All I can see now is negativity, pain, and anguish. This is my life, and I must deal with it. It's just so hard to deal with..

Have a read: link removed link removed