Jump to content

ziggy

Members
  • Posts

    12
  • Joined

ziggy's Achievements

Rookie

Rookie (2/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter

Recent Badges

1

Reputation

  1. good for you & good luck, your not 'running away' your... 'running to' a brighter, happier, better future-life!! she sounds to me as if she is using the 'old guilt trip'!! Remember my friend...Your family & friends will always be YOUR family & friends not matter where you are. Lost her security blanket has she .....GOOD!! When you get to where your going, go to a bar, buy yourself a drink, close your eyes and listen to all your friends here (enotalone) shout cheers!!!......and enjoy!...
  2. Stillthere: Well, update is went for a meal with the little s**t, basically I lost my cool, just after he said he didn't have the bottle to say what he really thought!!...so I said I want the house to be sold asap, I do not want him to interact in my life at all...blah blah blah and by the way I didn't want him in my bed, he now wants to talk! ....told him TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!!......god it's going to be hard until this bleeding house sells!!! just thought I'd vent.......THANKS!!
  3. areyou still there STILLTHERE? Please tell me what you think is my next move?..Sat night his mother rang to invite 'whoever' for lunch on Sun with the family..his sister & her hubby are taking photography lessons and wanted all the family to pose for them in a nearby park. He took the call and then announced what his mother wanted, I told him not to worry about me I would be fine, then he said 'No you too!', I said I didn't think it was a good idea because firstly his family will think everything is okay and also that his mums house holds memories for me, I started to cry and said that I thought he had sat on the fence long enough he needs to jump off now, one way or the other. I said that I was now starting to feel that I needed space, that part of me now does not know whether to stay married or not!...He looked shocked when I told him that I already had a flat & a job to go to, and my instincts are to rush to a conclusion! The Sunday we had lunch & I was cheery and had a laugh with his family, then we went to have the pics taken. I don't know if I imagined it but to me he did not seem to be near to me at all. On the Monday he left for work at the usual time (really early) and I was still in bed, he leaned over (where normally he would kiss me) he held one of my fingers and shook it gently and said'I'll ring you later'. Before he came home from work I went out and stayed out until late. He kept ringing my mobile but I just ignored it, then after 4 messages I switched my phone off! When I came in I was acting the way he had been towards me for months...detached, not interested. He asked where I had been and I just said 'I needed to be away from work, the house and him and that I wanted to clear my head!' He said that he had been worried about me (ha) and why didn't I phone (I was going to but thought why should I - he had five hours not knowing where or who I was with, I had 5 weeks!....this may have given him a tiny idea of what it was like???) anyway BIG QUESTION NOW??? 1) I bought two save your marriage books with the idea he either tries to do SOMETHING!...but if he feels that he does not have passion, would he? 2) Remain indifferent for a couple of weeks, this may shock him into thinking what he may lose and if it does not work, then suggest that we sell the house and go our separate ways? How can he be trusted again, your right, the sneakiness hurt just as much as his friendship with this co-worker...Thanks again for your help!!!
  4. thanks stillthere!: something of a revelation today, found out what the barrier is!! he wants us to be together again and everything to be okay, He does not have the feelings of being in love but knows that he does love me but wants to feel 'in love'. He knows that he has hurt me so much and this makes him feel very guilty, he says that he wants all the sadness to go but does not know how to get rid of it. HELP!!
  5. Thanks stillthere: what I have discovered recently, is that he has never opened up to me about things that have bothered him, he has kept this to himself, on the surface he has been the same to me but underneath he has built resentment. So getting him to open up is so very hard. I have asked him to be brutally honest with me that way no matter how hurtful it may be at least I will know where I stand, If he didn't live here I can move on but living with someone who before he left to have his space was my husband, when he returned he is detached. We went for a meal and I was conscious that he was looking at me, almost in a searching way. I was right, the following day when I said that I know that he does not want to be married to me anymore but could he try and make things less awkward (ie when he left for work we would always kiss & cuddle, now when he leaves he kinda hovers, not really knowing what to do) he replied that he had thought of staying at his mums for a week(?) and go out together, that way he may change his perspective of me, it was then that he said he had this barrier that he could not get rid of. He said that he keeps looking at me thinking that there is nothing wrong with me, so this barrier is preventing him from being close. He said that there is the nice me that he likes and the other me that he does not. The me that he does not like is the one that confronts him (he runs away from confrontation with anyone) how could I not confront him when he gets a text message 'MISS YOU XX'. He said that he was 'done-in'. From my point of view he was done-in because he would not give me a straight answer or lie, had he told the honest truth the questions would have stopped, we could have talked about the problem, dealt with it and moved on. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!
  6. I have been married for 6 yrs, may 2002 my husband had an e-mail from an ex co-worker with a porno attachment (not sure if this was her?) when I questioned him he said she was a little weird (?) nt sure if this was an excuse, who would send this if they knew the guy was married?.. soon after he received a text message on his cell phone MISS YOU XX I conronted him, he fought with me over the mobile phone to take it from me and delete the number of the sender!!. It took an hour or more to finally get from him that the message was probably from this girl that had sent the e-mail, that he had taken her for a 'business' lunch and she talked of how she had been dumped by her boyfriend, not just one lunch but 2, suspisous of him I checked his pockets and one day I found a keyring in his pocket, a really nice one that had a BMW emblem on it, he had this for 2 weeks without saying a word. I bought a new car and he gave me this key ring saying he had bought if for me that day (2 weeks after I had discovered it) I said it was really nice where did he get it, he said from a local garage near to where he worked. I said he must think I am stupid!!! (he had picked off the BMW emblem..the car he drives)eventually he confessed that he found it lying on his desk at work and tat this same girl had been in that day and he assumed it was her??? I checked his e-mails, as he said that he had not heard from her and I was not convinced, (someone does not just stop contacting you(?) there in his e-mails was one from an ex and a reply he had given previously about hislife was so mundane, when I read this I was so hurt so I printed it off circled what his response was to her and said if life was so bad 'push off'!! I was concerned that he was not being honest with me, and fearing that he was having an affair with the one who he had taken for lunch? I asked quesions, as you do!... I gave him a present one day because I thought he may be depressed, he started taking care of his appearance more than usual, he even bought himself leather jeans? was he having a mid life crisis, when I gave him this present he broke down, crying unconsoulably, my first instinct was to say 'what have you done' thisseemed like guilt to me!... he started to go for drives, first 1/2 hour then 8 hours etc one day he decided he needed to be away to clear his head, one week later he came home, he could not decide if he wanted to be married or not??... after he returned for one week I thought he may calm down but he didn't, so I said that he had not made much effort and his reply was 'well I told you, I don't know what I want!!) We talked from (9am until 4pm then he decided he wanted some space and left me) he told me he was staying at a friends to get some space to decide if he wants to be married or not!...he rang me occasionally but when he did he was indifferent, detached, I said that I loved him and whatever the problem was we could work through it! he was very reluctant! I eventually thought that what he was saying did not add up, there must be someone else! I did some detective work as you do, and found that he had in all the 4 weeks away only stayed at his friends house for 3 days where was he the rest of the time?...I went to see my sister for 4 days and hired a private investigator that told me that he was in my house with another women! When I cnfronted him he denied that he was in our home with her but that he had gone to another co-worker that had befriended him for 3 weeks (over xmas & new year) he told me that he had bonded with her even kissed and cuddled her but that he had only slept on the couch even though he had a comfortable bed at home and her couch was to small to sit on let alone sleep on???? He had been home since January and since then has not kissed, or cuddled me unless I have aksed, he says this is because he feels that there is part of him that wants to be married and part of him that does not, he feels that the parts that make a relationship have gone and he is not sure that he can get them back!??? At the moment we are living in the same house a 'room mates' ,,,this is killing me but he seems okay with it, he feels nothing is different for him? he wants to see me from a different perspective, I have told him that I have plans to sell our house and move to australia and my plans do not include him, he then tells me that he has a barrier that he for some reason cannot break down. any advice on what you think is going on wuld be appreciated!
  7. swingfox is right, you should not change who you are to accommodate someone else! You are a loving, caring person, otherwise you would not be taking advice!...if you did not care you would not be writing! aye?! the fact is I do not know all your story but what you have said you sound like the 'persuer' if you need space and you are being persued you need more space! turn around and walk away, watch the persued start to persue you! they are so used to you chasing that if you stop, it startles them, shakes them up, they will see you in a different light! You need to change their perception of you from 'needy' You need to change their perception of you, HOW? become 'indifferent', I do know this is hard, all the time you are thinking if I do this I will lose them forever! WRONG!... human nature, you become more attractive when you are not so available this does not mean not being friendly, or understanding, but you do not NEED this person, you have a life without them, (if not you need to make one) when they see you do not need them you are self sufficient, you do not need them in your life, they want to be in your life they want to be with you!....I took this advice once and trust me it does work! people bond to the confident ones, the best person in your life is you! do what makes you happy first!...everything and everyone that will mean anything to you will follow....
  8. Hard as it may be, and cruel as it may sound, do not be available!... we only want what we cannot have, FACT!... Do NOT phone him Do NOT e-mail him, do not contact him at all, he will contact you, trust me!! and when he does be cheerful, ask how he is, when he asks how you are, you are great you have joined a ????club, theatre, dancing, photographic any club your emphasis must be that you are okay without him whatever he has done...this will make him curious of you...why are you so happy? you should be missing him, even crying and begging him back...if you do this you will be less attractive to him, no longer a challenge. He has had alot of pain if his wife has cheated on him, he may have moved in with you and I am sure he does care for you but he needs to feel safe, you need to be his haven, be the one he can retreat to, nothing bonds people together more than someone who cares for you enough to listen to them, do not to interrupt him with your point of view, just listen, be his best friend, the bonding between you will turn into what YOU want and that is a relationship with this poor mixed up man. Your more important than he is, so be kind to yourself!!
  9. From a womans point of view, I am sure he would be flattered that you have gone out of your way to contact him, however, only if you do not come accross as needy, just honest! You could get your friend (who gave you his number) to arrange a night out and invite him, that way you can have fun and then arrange a night with him alone? only a suggestion! good luck!
  10. You have deeply hurt this woman, albeit not intentionally, you have been selfish but you were hurting too! I think this is a rebound relationship, it is easier to get over pain if you have someone with you to take your mind off it. I can only suggest that you prove your honourable intentions by being her friend, never critisise her new mate but listen to her, I don't know how long it may take but one day she will realise that you are dependable and that's what she needs, when she has pushed you away maybe she is looking to see if you stay away, if you do, you have confirmed her fears, if you do not she will realise that you can be depended on. Never say you love her, never say that you have changed, words will mean nothing yet, always be happy when your with her and NEVER complain, do not ask her to come back to you, this will drive her away!....if you appear needy this is off putting, but you have to make your life complete on it's own, she is just a bonus, the cherry on the cake, you are the most important person you know and you will be with you for life!...like yourself, build a life without her and then when she comes back it will be when she feels it is safe to do so, she will not feel that she is completeing your life but she will want to be part of it! Who on this earth can resist a cheerful giver that does not complain or make you feel bad, when your with them they make you feel 'I want to be with them'! you MUST be patient, you have alot to prove...but don't beat yourself up!..your only human just like the rest of us, we all make big boo boo's now and again! BE HAPPY! now go do something YOU like to do and ENJOY!
  11. If something bothers your girlfriend enough for her to be upset, even if you do not understand the reason why or you feel that it is 'nothing to care about', think again!....if it has upset her, no matter how small, it is still important! You should ask her what it is that you have done wrong and how can you put it right, let her know that you are asking so that you do not repeat the same mistake. She wants you to be more intimate, how do you know what 'INTIMATE' is, she could mean looking into her eyes and whispering sweet nothings, you do not know what her meaning of intimate is, you can only know if you ask! Likewise, her constantly being upset over what you think is nothing is obviously bothering YOU so you need to let her know gently that you do want to please her but you need to know how to to because this is affecting you too. No person on this planet is exactly the same, they may look similar but everyones needs are different. You could spend years trying to please her before you actually find out, so save you energy and just ask, that way it takes less energy, less time, and you then know that whatever your doing is going to be RIGHT! Good Luck!
  12. Before any problems arise in any marriage it is only after apathy has set in on either or both sides. It is unfair not to let your mate know how you feel, after all she is not a mind reader. When you deal with each issue that both of you have one by one and treat eachother with respect, agree never to raise your voices you will both feel safe to talk about anything without blame. There are no winners or losers in a marriage but a team. Focus only on the positive as the negative will be taken care of as you begin to bond again, remember the attraction that drew you together, rekindled love is the tenderest love of all because you are already aware of the outcome if you both do not pay attention to eachother. When you peel away the issues and begin to make the effort you will laugh again and you will be thankful you both made the effort, then you can have that happy marriage you both desire, it is not marrying the right person it is being the right person. If for example your mate likes attention, you feel that you are giving this to her but how do you know if your giving the attention the way she feels satisfied. Your mate may not feel satisfied that she is getting attention if you ruffle her hair, you do, but if she lets you know that wrapping your arms around her and maybe kissing her neck, then you know that you are giving her the attention the way she needs it, don't guess, ask, after all your not a mind reader either! If you decide to leave this marriage, please remember that you are taking 50% of the problem with you, you may find someone else to connect with but sooner or later that 50% is going to raise it's head again. 5% of what's going on in your marriage is from the present, 95% is the baggage we carry from childhood experiences and when your mate hits a nerve it is the child inside that reacts. 80% of divorced people regret that they did not make the effort to solve their problems. If you decide to seek councelling I would suggest that NLP councellor they get to the problem by healing that hurt child inside first, within weeks you will see positive results. I wish you the happy marriage you both deserve xx
×
×
  • Create New...