Sentinel

Update, What does this mean: After work I had to go up to Sears to buy something. Yes, I really was going there. On the way I saw that she was talking to someone, I kept walking right by. I didn't even look in her direction, (I purposely did this so I would not make eye contact) however as I was walking by she made it a point to turn, notice me and say hi, and ask how I was doing. I said "hey, what's up" and kept walking, thinking what a nice surprise... She did not come on to her shift today until 4 pm, so I didn't even think I'd see her today. Well, I came back from Sears, not wanting to be rude and having a few minutes, I stopped to make some small talk...and this time we stood there for an hour and a half talking, laughing, and having another great conversation about many different things from similar interests to relationships, etc... (I know, that doesn't mean anything, it was just good conversation) Now here comes the parts I don't understand (If she is truly NOT interested, that is). In the first 15 mins. of our conversation she had a person interested in the product, so I gracefully stepped out of the way so she could inform her customer, and do her job, lol. While she was doing that, I went over to the Verizon booth as I needed to check something on my plan anyways. Well, after a few minutes, (I did not look back on purpose again for awhile) I finally did glance back, and she was looking up and smiling at me. I had finished my business at the booth, and she was still busy with her customer so I went over to the bookstore to browse the bargin rack, planning that I would just say bye and leave when she was done. I was completely ignoring what was going on, and getting into a book when she walks up right beside me and re-engages me in conversation! (Keep in mind this was about 10 -15 mins later) I fully expected to put the book down, look up and see her standing at her display, maybe waving goodbye or something "nice" like that. We then continued talking for another hour. I finally had to say goodbye, as I am sure she and I could have easily stayed there another hour and a half talking, and I had other errands to run and wanted to get home. I even mentioned it earlier, "I'd better get going", but she never acknowledged it, with a statement like "ok, well bye" or something mutually to break off our conversation. Instead, she kept the conversation going (which, I didn't mind, of course!) and only after I really said bye and walked away did it end. Keep in mind she is a quality person, one who I respect and she has integrity, and doesn't seem to be bothered by my presense at all. I did ask her again if it was ok for me to be "monopolizing" her time, and once again she replied, "no, not at all". So, I ask you this...if she is just being polite to me, why doesn't she politely ask me to leave her alone, ESPECIALLY since she has a boyfriend. And why would she make sure to say hi to me, whenever it was clear she was enganged in a conversation with another person, and while she was facing the other way? And then to make it a point to re-engange me while I was doing something else 15 minutes later?

Thanks guys! I'll keep all this in mind, if I see her again (Haven't seen her since last Friday). I understand what the oneitis thing is. It's just that she is unique from most other women in her views on many different things and intellectually we are a very close match, like I said it's uncanny. I'm not imagining it. Yes, there is the initial infatuation, but I really do like talking to her about all those interesting things, not just because she is a girl I like. Most people don't "get me", so it's just really cool when I meet someone who does. I guess that is also part of the enthrallment here as well. As I said, if she is just a happenstance aquaintance, I at least have renewed faith that there is someone, somewhere compatiable and thinks like I do. Kind of a nice feeling after being in dead-end dating and relationships the last two years. I also certainly have not stopped all pursuits of other women just because of one person, at 33 I realize what a crush is and how to handle it. I would assume most people who get caught up in "oneitis" are some what emotionally immature and I bet it happens mostly in people under 30. Most men my age realize women are not the mystical dream that is so often fantisized about.

That is a very endearing story. Hopefully fate will bring you together again, if it's meant to be...you'll see her again. Maybe not for ten years, but you'll cross paths at some point, lol. If not, the cherish those memories always. Think of them as a glimpse of love to keep your heart hopeful for the day you meet your beauty.

...but she has a boyfriend. I met her at the mall by "accident". She was at an information kiosk for acrylic tubs and showers. I actually need to replace my shower stall, so I wasn't trying to pick her up. I had noticed her on several occasions while I was at the mall, and thought she was very attractive, but didn't really have time to stop by and discuss replacing my shower stall, so I'd just smile and go on my way... However, I had taken a job in the mall, so during my training week, I had time during lunch, since I was in there anyways, to inquire about their product. Well, we hit it off immediately, and we talk whenever I get a break, and she and I often spend my whole entire half hour lunch talking about everything, just standing in the middle of the mall talking, really hitting it off. No awkward silences, or anything negative. It is uncanny how much we have in common, yet our differences aren't so severe that we could never get along. We have similar personalities so that works well. I get giddy when I go by to see her, ( I'd go by on every break, but I don't want to seem desperate -I'm not, nor do I want to annoy her since she is working.) and I think about her most of the time. I asked her one time if it was ok if I was talking with her and she said she didn't mind at all. One day I told her I was gonna be in her neck of the woods, as I shoot .22 competitively and had a match near where she lives, just for conversation. She replied with, "my boyfriend lives very close, just down the road", I didn't even blink, I just carried on the conversation asking a little about him, and we continued talking about what we were before. The thing I found interesting is that she never brought him up until something I said caused her to mention him. Then a few days later he came up again, and she mentioned that they don't live together, and she said that she wasn't moving in anytime soon, because she "doesn't want to be a bother to him financially, she is more independent etc." She is staying with her parents currently, as she is thinking about pursuing her master's degree, and was the 8 year student before, so I'm guessing she's a little short on cash. I guess I need help in identifying a few things here. Is she just chatting with me because she is a friendly person? Could she possibly "feel" something for me, but can't do anything about it since she is in a relationship? What does it mean when she and I talk and each day we discover something new about one another that is unique and, we can continue to talk about a wide variety of topics (I am a pretty intellectual guy, so that trait is very sexy to me). Sometimes in our pauses, we even sigh the same way, at the same time! We have very similar political and religious views, we even feel the same way about life and death. She has a great adventurous side too! Folks, I'm telling you...if she was single...I wouldn't be writing you right now, we'd be on a date! Her boyfriend is an electrician, I don't know him, but maybe I am just good conversation for her? But they are together for a reason, right? I wouldn't have such a dilemma if I didn't like her so darn much. I actually get nervous as I walk up the mall to talk with her, I try to make it seem casual, like I am going into the bookstore, or Sears or something, and I'll say "Hi" on the way past and just stop to make small talk, knowing full well that we'll end up having a great half hour engaging conversation. A guy I work with says, "well at least you get her for a half hour every day", and you know what, for that I am very lucky! I look at it this way, even if this never goes beyond good conversation (some of the best I've ever had with a woman, BTW), I will have a least gotten a glimpse at the woman of my dreams. Well, gotta get to bed. I just had to get this out there, I have also been journaling my feelings as well. It helps too. Any questions, comments, or advice appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Thank you all for your replies. It is a little comfort to know "I am not alone". So, what makes us different, the outsider, the black sheep, the forgotten ones? I could see if we had done horriable things to our families, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Rather, we are "persecuted" or shut out, for simply being ourselves. As Dako posted, we pretend to be sociable, or at least somewhat charming... some of us even dare to be witty! I have been in occasions where I made a witty comeback that was actually pretty funny and no one in the group noticed or ignored it, and a few seconds later one of the more noticed people made a simliar joke and received much laughter and was integrated further into the group. Meanwhile, I slipped away unnoticed and without further thought by the other people there. What is that phenomonon? It is a rare occasion that I truly feel wanted or "needed" in a group, most times I feel like if I was not there, it would not matter. Do we have "bad vibes", or are we really meant for some better purpose other than the life we find so unfulfilling now. Are we not living our destinies, and thereforeeee living without really knowing the true purpose of our lives. Maybe we are meant for professions and lifestyles that are far removed from our families and the normal shallow social routines. The hardest and most daunting task then, must be finding the path to that destiny. How I yearn for someone to come over for coffee, or have a beer and play cards, just to want my companionship...to sit and ask, how is your life, what is going on, are you ok?, without worrying about maybe going out to the bar later. It being that visiting with their friend was enough. I just watched "Beyond Borders", after much insistinece from my neice, and was amazed at the passion and ambition with which Angelina Jolie's character has for caring about the poor of the world, and then even more emotionally powerful was her love for the Doctor, in the end sacrificing all to save his life. I know that love like that must exist out there, but what I don't know is, if it is ever meant for me. And that is why I must harden my heart and carry on but, some days, like today, I do not feel it is worth it... Suicide seems like such a waste, but at times it seems like no one cares until it's done. That's when people notice you, and notice that they should have done more to love you when you were right there all along waiting for them to show they cared. Ironic, isn't it? I do not wish to take my own life, but I can really empathize with the motivation behind it. Some say it's the cowards way out, but maybe it is just a way for some to end the loneliness, and that can feel much worse than simply being called a coward when you are already dead. Sorry to get so morbid, but I just feel sh!tty right now, ugghh!

I didn't really know how to phrase that... I guess what I am really getting at is that, if I don't "extend" what is going on with me personally to others, (friends, family, etc.) it seems no one cares about what is happening in my life. It's like they don't really care, but ask more to be polite. Like my family for instance, I can go for days or weeks, and they won't call or visit me (actually they NEVER visit me, except for the exception of my brother who pops in from time to time for a few minutes, to tell me something about something that needs to be done). Keep in mind my mom lives 5 minutes up the road, and my brother and his family live a 1/4 mile up from her. I always end up being the visitor, and I know it is appreciated, but it never feels equally reciprocated. It would be nice to feel as if someone feels that I am important enough to go visit. My other brother lives with his wife in Florida, and my father died three years ago. All the rest of my family for the most part is decesed - I was born very late, and as such most all of my aunts and uncles were elderly when I was young. I have few people my age to relate to, and I live in a fairly rural economically depressed area now. I am almost 33, I live alone and have a couple of friends I grew up with. I moved back home after living away for 15 years, and had two failed marriages. I loved living out west and hope to move back some day. I am not one to feel sorry for myself and am actually quite independent, but why does it seem that if I don't boast about my life...no one asks. It is as if I am just tolerated, and not cared about in a real way. I try not to let it get me down but it is hard when it feels as if I don't really matter to anyone. I am an adult, maybe I am asking to much of people. Maybe I have an ideal I want, but it is just not reality, and never will be? I am not out looking for a romantic relationship by choice, as I am not settling again for something that is less than genuine true love. That is the most important thing to me. I date occasionally, but it seems that they all want to have a "commitment" right away. So, I am turned off to that for the time being. What happened to dating for dating's sake? Just to go out and have a nice time with some one...but I digress. I was fired from my job, about two months ago because I basically ended up being over-qualified, and had trouble "stifiling" my abilities. It was in healthcare so I understand they had scope-of practice issues, but they knew my qualifications beforehand...???? I am looking at a few different options but lately I just don't care much anymore, as I am content to just let my life pass me by, since my contributions thus far seem to have had no real meaning, far as I can tell. Yes, I have hobbies and a wide variety of interests, but it seems like it is just all about me and no one to share them with...it all just seems so shallow and pointless. I am a decent and honest person just trying to do the right things in life, but it seems like I get no satisfaction anymore. I was very clinically depressed several years ago, and was suicidal. I couldn't figure out why, until I realized I had a biological depression, took meds for about two years and have been well ever since. I think I may be depressed now...but I think it is a "normal" depression as we all go through rough spots in our lives. Back then though, I felt hopeless for no reason, and this feels much, much different. I suppose there is more but I don't wish to burden you more just yet...I'd like some feedback or insight first. Thank you for listening and taking your time to read this, and putting some effort and caring into a stranger's life.

I guess I gereralized there, but he is indirectly undermining her authority and it will effect how she raises her son. He needs to respect her parenting and it is disrespectful to make her feel foolish for the decisions she makes or reactions as a parent trying to raise her son. So, yes he his making it harder to raise her son. So why do that if you should have her best interests in mind. The deleting, covering up, and denial, all needs to stop. It is all dishonest behavior, and like you said, darkblue, it is time for confrontation. I think a third party would be invaluable and objective. Someone with extensive experience with addictions should be sought. WC, if you love him and want him to be in your life you HAVE to let him know if he doesn't get help the relationship can't continue. There should be no room for doubt there. He needs to know it is hurting you too much, and if you truly love someone you do anything you can to stop hurting them. If he loves you he will take earnest steps to correct his behavior, otherwise you are just spinning your wheels and the cycle will continue....

OK, can we say emotional manipulation and guilt trip here people? Thank You. He obviously knows how to disarm you and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. He is playing the classic Passive/aggressive to keep you off guard. You sound like you also have a few co-dependent tendencies or you are still in disbelief of his actions. Oh, and stop making excuses for the way he is acting, he is not treating you or your son right, pure and simple.

If she really loves you and respects you...respect being the key word here...and she if she has any sort of integrity, she will stop once you confront her. If she will not stop seeing them, she does not respect you or the relationship and in a committed relationship that is a critical ingredient for success and happiness. The bigger problem sounds like her issues of self-image and self-respect. Both sound very low. She is hanging out with these parolee's because they give her reinforcement that she is attractive and fun to be around. She shouldn't need that if she is secure in herself. And she would ignore the guilt trips they keep putting her on. She would stop it plain and simple. They would have been out of her life long ago. Oh, and as far as these jerks questioning your manhood - once that was done your girlfriend should have said "ok , guys that's it, I'm leaving, you never insult the person I love like that." Honest friends of hers would never do that. I am sure they love using her to cook and clean and it boosts their weak egos to have some cute girl cookin' and cleanin' for them. And I am sure they have obscene conversations about her when she is not around. They probably get off on treating her like their "fun girl" and on knowing they have power because you and her let it happen. They were in prision, they obviously have no character. Sometimes a duck is a duck. You are better than this. So act like a man and do what you feel is right and honorable in your heart. If she will not stop hanging around them and continues to disrespect you, then I think you know what you need to do. You deserve nothing less.

Since everyone else here is * * * * *footing around the issue, I will say it; your boyfriend has a serious porn problem and he is in denial and right now he does not want to get help. Your relationship will only suffer until he gets help, and really works on ALL his issues, many of which he is in denial about and may not even realize he is avoiding. He needs to be confronted and he needs to have boundaries set. You need to set them. You need to give him ultimatums, and mean them. Do not compromise, ever. Otherwise, he will continue to walk all over you. He is being a sexual anorexic, and he is (knowingly or unknowingly) using emotional manipulation to keep you placated so you do not cause him to take responsibility. Addictions are all about medicating pain. He will do anything to keep you from taking his medication away. That is his survival, his twisted way of coping with the stress of life. He needs to see that he does not need the medication, and he needs to see that a person's love is infinitely more important than the empty gratification of porn. No matter how many diamonds he gives you, it is not worth wasting the best years of your life on this man unless he gets help. I know, I was there; I am a recovering porn addict. It was a partial reason my marriage failed. Yes, it is real. He has a serious problem. He is dysfunctional, but I bet he puts up a good front to everybody. I have several resources for you but I need to check the forum rules before I post websites, book titles, etc. etc. He needs to get counseling; in recovery groups, he needs an accountability partner, but the crux is that it has to be his decision to get help. You can't force him to. All you can do is things to let him know you will not put up with it anymore. If he truly loves you and deep down is ready for help he will start to seek it once he sees his facade no longer works, thus he will be forced to face reality. If is not ready, he will move on to someone else that he can latch on to for security and allow him to continue his destructive behavior. Right now you are the one doing that, and until you stop providing him a place to act out without consequences, he will not stop, and you will continue to be hurt, and disappointed. Over and over again. Do you really want to live that way? Is this the example you want your son to see? Of you, being passive while someone continually hurts you; or do you want him to see someone who he can look up to as a strong person who only allows the best for her and her son. You said he doesn't tell you he loves you????? That is such BS, if you love someone you tell them. Period. You don't have to wait for some special time to tell them. Sometimes the most important times we need to hear it is when we are at our worst, remember that.

Well, see my post of "Trying to rebuild from 1500 miles away", and see if that helps. It may give you some perspective on his thinking. Now, I know I will never find a love like that again! It just took me time and space to see it. I have my own healing to do too. Yes it's hard work, but it is worth it. True love never dies, if it is meant to be, he will come back to you.... I left for similar reasons and now, I can wait to get back with her! OMG Melonie8, your birthday is VERY close to hers, and she lives in Colorado Springs...weird, huh? It sometimes makes you wonder how things are really connected... Well, if you ever want to talk more PM me...

I think the idea is much more appealing than the reality. I have went out with the type before...we met on a personals site, hit it off great on the phone and had all sorts of things in common, and had a lot of the same views on things, we were really excited about meeting! And we were very physically attracted to each other too. So it sounded like this might just be something. Then, I met her in person...date starts out fine with hiking and talking, and flirting....then I suggested to go out for a drink, as in us two together, alone, really getting to know one another. Well her idea of getting a drink was a night of clubbing and bar hopping with her friends and talking and dancing with everyone but me....I was a little pissed, but got over it and realized what she was all about and that was that. So, I wrote her an email about three days later how offended I was and I haven't heard from her since. I know she didn't even realize how rude she was being, she was a nice sweet person, but she was so wrapped up in socializing she missed out on having one solid real relationship and instead has 100 aquaintances. And then she wonders why she can't find the right guy...and I was right there. In a nutshell, I think social butterflys have serious intimacy issues and "deal" with them by never becoming really truly involved in matters of the heart because that would require to much emotional capital on their part. I'm sure there are other angles to it...but I believe that to be the basics of it. And as much of a front as they put on, I do not believe they are truly happy either. Just my $0.02. Hope this was helpful to you.

INFJ...and proud of it!

Hi all, I ran accross this post while Googling "Divorce Recovery" and thought wow, this looks like a neat place to talk. Anyways, I too feel the same way. And most of the advice I have gotten has been go do things you like, or go do things with friends and you will meet people. Maybe you could just pick up and go somewhere you've always wanted to go but never did and you'll meet someone there who had the same idea and you'll hit it off? I've also tried the internet dating sites and they have been a big dissappointment for the most part. Since you say you are not "needing" someone, I would try and make more friends. They can fill the void for you. I am finding that to be the case and I am starting to give up actively looking so much. Then that is when you may meet the "one". When you aren't looking. It happened that way for me. BTW, I was married for nine years so I know what it is like to feel alone after it is over, it does suck but the growth you will achieve is pretty interesting too. You get to really learn who you are, maybe that's what it is? Life is all about lessons and growth, sometimes it's all about timing. So, no worries, eh?