hurtingrl

Thanks Openheart for your comments. I do appreciate an opinion of someone who has been in a similar situation on the other side. I think our issue was a little bit more mutual than yours, but I do wish you the best of luck because it sounds like you are still hurting badly from your ex. I don't know if I would consider this situation needing him for emotional support either. After we broke up, neither of us contacted each other for two months. We then met twice at his request and discussed at the time that it was too soon, we both had our guard up and decided to keep in touch as friends. We stuck to that. In any of my emotional times where I was dying to call him to help me I picked up the phone and called a friend instead. However, at this point in time I do believe that we need to cut things off. From your perspective, it sounds like he is way more hurt than I am; I'm now more convinced so it would be best for him as well. I also thinking that I was destroying the relationship while we were together by being depressed and dragging him down; breaking up with him was hard to do because I wanted to have him help me so badly...we both realized that my issues were beyond his help alone and it frustrated him that he couldn't fix things. I feel like breaking up with him may have been better for him than slowly "destroying" what we had in a more painful fashion. Feel free to elaborate on your explanation. The last thing I want to be is cruel so any advice other than living with what I have done already would be helpful.

Thanks for thinking about me first! However, I don't think of it as choosing to be unhappy, instead it's more like something that will sting at first but ultimately turn into me being happy for him....so idealistic sometimes Thanks finewhine, I really hope so..... I'll keep everyone posted to let you know if I hear anything from him. From past experience he is one to absorb and take time to figure out how to respond without acting too quickly. If I don't hear from him by the time the new year rolls around, at least I'll have said everything I wanted to in the e-mail and will be able to move forward....

Ellie, You are right, however I swear to you that me being upset over it would not outweigh the fact that he is happy and good things are happening in his life. Sounds so cheesy but I know I love him so much that I would really want what's best for him whether he were with me or not (I know everyone can gag here). He is a good person, it would be easier if he was a jerk. And you're right - I don't think that I want him to say he's with someone else, but the intent was more for him to say "I can never be with you," whether he was with someone else or not.

So I think that I could give him that option.....another dilemma though, I'm sure he read my e-mail already since I sent it on Friday Night and is already mulling it over. Another reason I hurt him so badly is that I would go back and forth at the end: I want to try, no I don't want to hurt you, you are the one thing keeping me going, no - that isn't fair to you, etc So what's the best way to relay this without his hurt related to those things coming rushing back. I'm afraid he'll be like, "I definitely don't want to go through that again...."

This is totally fair, so I guess the answer to my question is that yes I am being selfish as much as I'm trying not to be.....

I don't know.... But what if I'm not ready and I screw up this relationship again? Right now I know he still has his guard up. Are you suggesting I wait more time since both of us said we are not ready right now? Time is torture....

Also, as far as how he can respond: I gave him the option of not responding at all and telling him in advance that I would be okay with that. The intent was to give him options because maybe he wants to talk in person, maybe he doesn't.....as long as he gets out whatever he needs to if he feels like that is something he wants to do.... Trying not to be selfish....

Ellie and DN Don't worry about stepping on my toes, if I just wanted head nods of agreement then I'd talk to some of my friends. Here I definitely want the truth and outside opinions To answer your question: I absolutely want to be in a healthy relationship but think I'm not ready...I'm afraid that I'll go into the same pattern. I love this guy and feel like he deserves someone better than the person that I am right now. As far as the LC thing and then just making NC: The last time we chatted, he said he'd give me another call in January...I know in the back of my mind that I'm hoping that it will lead to something eventually and I just can't take it. I want to leave the decision up to him because I feel like I owe him that. I was the one who broke it off in the summer and didn't give him an option. In fact, he was coming back from a trip and I broke it off before he came back into town (a reason he probably wanted to just see me in August). So part of me doesn't want to repeat that because I know it hurt him so much.

Thank you. So if he really understands and cares for me too he won't be mad that I am cutting it off?

Thanks in advance because I know this is long. I broke it up into sections to be easier to read, but I need opinions please. Background/Break-up I had been with this guy for 8 months and we broke up in June. It was one of those quick whirlwind relationships where we fell in love quicky, met each others families etc. However, my depression and other things I had bottled up for years starting taking a toll on our relationship. After a couple months of us both being unhappy, I broke it off. I so wanted to lean on him to help me but I knew it wasn't fair to him. I was depressed and needed to do it on my own. However, I know that this hurt him very badly..... Post Break-up It was a wake up call for me, I knew that this was a great guy and unless I worked on myself I would repeat this story again. So I started going to therapy, took up new hobbies, made new friends, figured out the direction of my career, etc and am definitely improving myself. Meeting for the first time As far as us, he wanted to meet in August or so with the disclaimer "I don't know what I want from this". We met up twice and things were great (no hook ups) but I told him it's not healthy for us to be in this limbo. We both agreed that we initiated contact too soon and we both had our guards up. He said "I don't want to have you hanging and wait for me to get my act together and try this." So we agreed to move on but keep in touch as friends via e-mail. We've e-mailed each other about once a month with light chat/catch up. I've met other guys with the intention of just having a good time in the mean time. However, the more that I had time to think about things I can't get this guy out of my head. You know how it is: thinking about all of the good things, etc. But I feel like with all the other self-improvement things I have been undertaking, it's a perfect time to start my life fresh in 2007. Back to the present So back to my initial question. I sent him a long e-mail asking if we could get closure and cut off things starting in January. I have been struggling with not talking about how I feel because I don't want him to deal with it on top of anything else (he is trying to figure out his own life and career). I just want him to be happy and I know that he wants to stay in touch as friends. But for me it's too hard. Major points of the e-mail As much as I want the best for him in his life, I think I need to have the faith that it will happen without any contact I know he likes his life right now (being single) so I asked him a favor to give me closure As much as I would like to try again I know it's too soon for the both of us and I can't hold on to a hope that it will work someday for me to totally heal I've come a long way but as much I miss him....it's not fair to him if I'm not totally better He is the first ex that I have not had ill feelings towards which makes it harder for me I almost want him to say "I've moved on, it will never work" (even if it's a lie) I want to make sure he also has an opportunity to say anything he always wanted to after I hurt him I gave him three options 1) Meet up in person to talk about everything and allow him to discuss whatever he needs to 2) He can respond in a last e-mail with whatever he needs to 3) Take my e-mail as a good-bye and good luckThoughts? Did I pressure him to cut things off and am being selfish? I know we are both mature adults that could be friends (this is the first break-up that had no emotional begging, calls, etc on either side, we both gave each other space)... I seriously care for him more than anything and I've haven't been getting sleep over this.....

bring on the fun! I swear I was a fun person at some point in my life not too long ago.... seriously thanks for your advice, saw you posted in my other thread..... I think the tricky thing for me will be finding myself for ME and not for the hopes of reconciling with my ex bf. Not just saying it but believing it....

Thanks need2beme. The thing is that most of my acquaintances and even some friends have no idea I am going through this struggle. On the surface it looks like I am in the best situation of my life, smart, pretty, great job, in shape, great bf (recently anyway), etc etc It just goes to show that happiness is only truly gained on the inside first..... I also have to be glad that I am alive and I also concur that these boards have helped so much....sometimes I try to figure out my purpose in life but I think I just haven't nailed it yet.....

Hi Joyce and Leigh That is why I feel so awful about things. The last thing I want to do is hurt him and no matter what I do I am hurting him. I feel so badly.... And Leigh, it is great to know that someone is going through what I am going through (don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want anyone else to feel what I am going through right now). But it's semi-comforting to know that I am not alone. I live in SF so I have to believe it is one of the easiest places to meet people (not dating AT ALL but friends) so when I am ready I will just have to start healing for myself..... And I know that I need to leave him alone. Maybe I will e-mail him in August or something.....it will be so hard but I've read enough posts in this forum to know better than anything else. I just wish I could fast forward time.....

Thank you Leigh and crazyaboutdogs. I just texted him asking to meet this weekend and he is ignoring me.....I gave him a birthday present and it's on Monday and asked if I could go with him. Well I guess I really blew it.....the fact that we went through everything and he is ignoring me hurts so much... It it just so hard to come to terms with the fact that I ruined two awesome relationships of guys that loved me soooo much because of MY problems.....I just feel so worthless not have close people in my life to turn to and help me through these things..... I thought I was going to marry this guy.... The meant to be thing is so difficult. I understand that but unless I go to him in x amount of time and say I am better, give me another chance, I don't see our paths ever crossing again....

I didn't want to be alone as I was going to a huge personal step of getting professional help. I wanted to share it with someone and share how I was feeling and what it was like. Granted, I should have gotten professional help years ago, for example I still have PTSD and anxiety from being in tower II of 9/11 FIVE YEARS AGO. I have not dealt with either of my parents deaths (cancer and another disease). I have not dealt with emotional abuse of my step-family in my teen years. Just some examples.....My company just announced layoffs, I am going through my quarter life crisis, etc. Anyway, as you can see I am too much to handle for any boyfriend anyway. It's a huge step for me to get help, ironically now I will have to continue on my own. I just feel so lonely.....all of my friends are still on the east coast. It's tough, do I figure out my job, figure out making friends, figure out me? It's all so complicated. And I understand now that I cannot "need" anyone. It's just these two guys understood the most what I was/am going through at the time.