westwind61

As for westwind61: Did your wife ever found out by the way? If she did, I assume you and her (her mostly) must have gone to trust issues for a real long while. Also, did you felt remorse after it. If she did found out, now you know how it did hurt her and hopefully you're learning form it (if she took you back). If she still doesn't know, then all that's left is forgive yourself. I admitted to it. We are 18 months past it coming out in the open. There is still a trust problem although it's not as bad. We spent months in counseling as a couple and I was in even longer individually. I was excommunicated from my church for adultery, lost the respect of many friends, sent my kids through upheaval when we separated for two months and my career took a dive. My affair is well known accross town because these things are gossiped about. So yeah, I could go on for pages about the remorse. The other woman has the same attitude as you alsagirl, for which I also feel bad, but have come to the realization that she is less of a victim than she thinks she is. I can't help what she thinks and will never contact her again. As time goes along, her memory fades, but it is subject to being triggered and all of the emotions that swirled around when the days were desperate come back. My kids have come around and have forgiven me. My wife has forgiven, but not forgotten. I have very few friends now. I have some friends who stood by me and my family who have recognized "but for the grace of God there went they . . ." I don't judge others anymore. And I don't seek sympathy. You just try and improve all areas of your life and hope at some point you obtain redemption. The other thing that has come hard for me is "forgiving myself." It was a long term affair where I sought the fulfillment of emotional needs rather than sexual ones. It was wrong. It caused a ton of harm. What fueled it was selfishness. Often I wish I could move away and assume a new identiy, which is selfishness in and of itself.

Dude. Former affair participant here. Look up my posts if you want to read my story. From one cheating husband to another. End it with the other woman right now g*ddamit and get some professional counseling. Good luck.

Married man and former adulterer here. I haven't posted for a while. It's been a year since I ended my affair and I think there are markers that are triggering some deep feelings so I came back to read and interact. To answer your question: yes, I loved the other woman and still do. And that's a almost a year of no contact. I can tell you that I am committed to never, ever, contacting her again and work daily to get her out of my "system." I assume she is doing the same for me. Affairs are messy, complicated things. I disagree with the people who are black and white in terms of condemning the cheaters. We do it for different reasons. I can tell you without hesitation I don't miss the sex with the other woman. I miss her friendship and connection. I wish her the best in terms of her future, but you have to understand (and I have to remind myself) that you gently need to make the other woman/ man or the married person you were involved with what I call "gently irrelevant." They have to get out of your life and stay out of it forever. You can't bargain by saying "maybe someday." You have to move on without the other party to the affair. So to the person who started this thread, you have to learn not to not care how your former lover feels. (If I undersand your role correctly) I can't hate the other woman because it's not in me to be that way. Last I heard, she hates me. That's fine. The simple premise is that affairs are the worst way to begin a relationship and the vast majority never work out. At the end, there's a pile of bodies. The betrayed spouse and kids, the cheating spouse, the other woman and the other man. Hope that makes sense.

This is going to be my last post on this forum and then I am going to try to the best of my ability to go forward with my life and make amends for my sins. I have lived a selfish, horrible lie the past two years. I betrayed my spouse, who was selfish in her approach to showing me love and affection over many years, and who has admitted to having unfair expectations as to how much money I made, what kind of parent I was, and what kind of spiritual leader I was in the house. And she admits she withheld love because of those things. However, she did not deserve what I did. No one does. It wasn't that easy for me to leave rather than slip into adultery. I was non-confrontational and went about trying to repair my marriage in the wrong way. That didn't work so off I went on an affair. First it was a curiosity fling. However, the power and intoxication of sex quickly swept me away and I fell in love. But it was false love. Not the true kind of selfless love that arises out of sacrifice and having balance with your loved one by knowing when to give and when to take. All the things you read about false love, deception, emotional fog and the like are true in affairs. I guess I don't care whether you posters feel sorry for me or not. All I know is that I have to find my core values in life and go about sticking to them and branching out and be a better person. I would hope we read these posts, have compassion and not be judgmental, and try to learn lessons that make us better people to bless the lives of others. Tonight I have a wife who hurts terribly, and another woman who absolutely hates my guts because I did not end it gracefully. I kept trying to reach out to her, selfishly, and, although she has a boatload of "issues" herself, I'm not going there to criticize her. I deceived my wife by breaking my marital vows and unintentionall deceived the other woman by not completing my promise to leave my family for her. So at the end of it all, I look in the mirror and see deception, stupidity and selfishness. Vanity and selfishness. And heartache like you wouldn't believe. Yes it's true. Selfishness motivates this kind of tragedy. And deception. Self deception and deception of others. I do believe in God, and I know now He said "thou shall not commit adultery" not because He's a prude, but because He knows the pain it causes. I have the following advice for anyone struggling in marriage: 1. Get counseling and get the tools you need to communicate and trust each other. I don't think there are a lot of couples out there in this over-programmed, self absorbed world that have true intimacy. 2. Don't be hypercritical of each other. 3. Heal yourself. Marriage is the completion and union of a man and a woman. It's not about what the other person can do for you. Simple cliches maybe. Had I forced counseling when I wanted it five years ago, this might not have happened. I take full responsibility for my sins. I will say Im sorry the rest of my life. To those considering an affair, don't. My best wishes to you all. I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Lonelyinasmalltown, my problem is with people who apparently come on here with no link to the kind of tragedy the "players" go through and post like it's some kind of spectator sport. I don't discount the terrible pain that you will probably always feel. I would have better things to do with my time then, for instance, go to a drug addict forum and talk about how I don't understand.

Here's your married man perspective: He's testing the waters. If you had made a physical move on him during the trip, he would have taken you to bed.

I would just like to say thank you to you people for coming on the board and enlightening me. Nice to have the perspective of those capable of casting the first stone.

Anti depressants have taken the edge of the hard manic feelings that I have had and "soften" feelings of sorrow, guilt, anger, anxiety etc. You can treat separately for anxiety and if you treat directly for anxiety, you will likely be given something, like prozac, paxil, zoloft. There are side effects. They "numbed" me somewhat and did affect my sex drive.

I cheated for the first time at 42. It was a two year affair. I did not cheat before and never thought it would happen. I have returned home and we are trying to work it out, with both my wife and I acknowledging shortcomings that made our marriage less than satisfactory. We are approaching one year since the affair came out in the open. At this point, in terms of being depressed about what went down, it's about 4.5 good days and 2.5 bad days per week for both of us. I can tell you from my perspective and my perspective only, I will never cheat again. I have no interest in other women. I don't even "look at the menu" anymore. There was so much emotional injury caused to my wife, the other woman and me, just those initiating thoughts where you check another person out cause me to stop and shake and recall the pain.

I recognize his behavior. It's a twisted way of courting you. Follow Shadows Light's advice.

As the reforming and returning cheater in my situation, I can offer you the following: 1. My sex drive has dropped way off as a result of what happened. I don't look at other women, I don't fantasize. Something sexy comes on tv, I change the channel. None of the stimuli that used to work for me apply. 2. I am in fact turning more and more to my wife and the intimacy is returning, both in communicating and in sex. She is very patient and has worked very hard to cure all of the barriers that were in her way before this whole thing happened. 3. Most important: there aint no way, no how, no possible chance for success in your marriage until the other woman is GONE. If he sees her at work, forget it, he won't come all the way back to you. If there are emails, text messages, drive bys, knowing glances, you two will continue to struggle. I think the cold hard reality of it is he will have to change jobs and she will have to be a complete non-entity in both of your lives to have a chance. My .02. Best of luck to you

I see nothing but pain for you in the future with any kind of association with this girl.

Don't do it.

Thanks for the feedback. I may in fact be borderline obsessive at this point. I see my counselor again in a week. Funny thing. I have known this woman for a long time and use to find her personality annoying. And your right. I need to get my a** in gear. Thanks again.

The other thing I'll say (I can tell from the "views" that at least a few people are reading this pathetic story) is that when you go through this your ego or whatever it is tells you that you and her are special: the exception to the rule. It's just a bunch of crap. Healthy, functioning people don't have affairs. Not to say you can't correct and and repair. Like I said, Hell to pay.