aw4919

I had a dream where I talked to your brother about your dating escapades. And I realized that I am the one making positive changes to correct unwanted behavior while you are remaining the same. And do you know what that means, my darling? It means that we are reaching a point where YOU no longer deserve ME. You didn't before, but you are so good at manipulation that neither you nor I realized that that was what you were doing. You said what you needed to keep your life from having any waves, and be d***ed if it was true or not- if you could actually follow through or not. That is a fatal flaw, my love. In so many ways. You've been sheltered enough your whole life to never address it. Your ego is insurmountable, and it will be your downfall. Like, in complete and utter honesty, I don't know if you can do better than me. In looks, or in actions. So you go ahead and keep breaking hearts of girls who care for you, and I will continue to improve, and we'll see who ultimately comes out the other side happy.

I get so sad still. I've reached true acceptance, but it still breaks my heart. I don't know why you felt like you had to end it the way you did. It's really the only question I still have, and I don't really need an answer, but I think I would always want one, if you were willing to offer it. I miss everything about you. I wish you didn't see yourself as infallible. I wish I wouldn't have built up your ego to heights it would never come down from. I wish you would come back with some grand gesture. I've accepted everything there is to accept, it's true. But if I could have anything in the whole entire world, it would still be you. It's been you since before I knew you existed. The only thing I'm really angry about is that you've taken away my memories of you as a thoughtful and caring person. It would have been so incredibly easy for you to end this on good terms with me. I'm a super good sport about it. Ask literally any one of my other exes. But just like you didn't give me a chance in the relationship, you didn't give me a chance to be your friend. You don't want it. But why? What did I do? I've apologized sincerely for anything I could think of, to no avail. I treated you VERY well for about 80% of our relationship, and that is a conservative estimate. How are you living without me when I'm barely surviving without you? Was I really that delusional? Were you really that good of a liar? I really, really, really hate this. I am completely crushed at what's become of us. I believed with all of my heart that we were going to make it, and you let me believe it long after you knew it wasn't the case. And then you said you didn't want to talk because it would be stringing me along. Can you please understand how infuriating and hurtful it is of you to say that?

It's like, remember when we visited the abandoned turnpike tunnel? It's like if that tunnel had a bend in it, and you couldn't immediately see the light from the other side. And I'm walking along, okay? I'm walking along towards the tunnel, and I'm starting to get scared, but the man I love and trust above all others is telling me that it will be fine. That I should go ahead, and not be afraid. That he'll be right there when I come out the other side. So I swallow my fear, and I go in, planning to just peek around the bend and see how far it is. And you know what happens next? As soon as I step inside, you laugh as a solid gate closes the entry. So first, I bang on the door as hard as I can for you to open the gate and let me out. For you to tell me it was just a joke and you're sorry I was so worried. And it doesn't work. And you are silent. So I remember your promise to meet me on the other side. I don't know if you meant it. How can I tell from your reaction as the gate fell closed? Either way, there's only way out. So I stumble around in the dark, hands bleeding from pounding on the door, trying not to panic, tripping over my own heart. I don't know whether its best to be quiet, or to be loud. I don't know what I'm up against, or what's coming next. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know that it does exist, and there is only one path towards it. I take a step and fall again. Getting back up is hard, as there's no real sense of space. I take another step and fall, this time bruising my knees and tearing my favorite jeans in the process. I curse, I cry, but there is no salvation in anything other than finding the light. I'm still hoping you're there, but I realize how little it matters if you are not, when its my only option. Still... I hope you're there.

Why did you do this to me, exactly? Why did you constantly feed my dreams, unprovoked, and then decide I wasn't worth it. Why did you do that to me? And more importantly, WHY aren't you trying to apologize for it?? Are you REALLY that bad of a person? Like, look, I can't stop thinking that no, you don't owe me anything, but YES, you did. You owed me everything. Because you promised me everything before I even knew I wanted it. YOU convinced me things would be a certain way, and when YOU decided that it couldn't be done, it was over. You did this to me, so you owe me my future. Not that it has to be with you, but please, don't screw me up for the next one... Because if you are that cold, and you are that heartless, and I never once picked up on it, then how can I ever trust anyone again. So, main point. It's not the relationship part you did wrong. That one is on me. But you Ffffff'ed up this break up part like nothing I've ever known to exist. You. are. ruining. me.

This hurts so bad. Please, just tell me that at some point you cared as much as I thought you did. Train in vain, baby.

Breakthrough, honeybee. After talking at length with my brother, who it turns out has never liked you, I've realized that I did at least walk away with my dignity. You are the one who walked away with baggage. YOU are the one who faked a future with me, accepted my love and generosity for exactly as long as it was convenient, condemned me for being human, and left me for dead at the first possible opportunity. You are the one who has lost face here. Don't tell your next gf. Just like you didn't tell me. You know what my bro suggested for the next time I see you? Smash a beer bottle over your head, take the money from your wallet and let you know how much you still owe me. He said he can't believe that any human being would treat someone who did so much for them how you're treating me. Biased, I know. But not too biased, he's not really an emotional guy. So, whatever dude. Enjoy working full time for the first time in your life. Enjoy paying those bills. I wish I could see the look on your face when you eventually grasp your new time constraints. You'll get it eventually. And I'm glad I've reached the point where I can laugh at you and not cry for you.

More than anything else, I'm so completely disappointed in you. You are causing me immense pain to ease your slight discomfort. That is mean and unfair, and I know just how well you believe that LIFE is unfair, (and to get over it) but no, that's not true between two lovers, even when the relationship ends. I was fair to you always. You needed to be fair to me. I earned my place as your girlfriend, and I earned the right for you to treat me with respect because of that, whether I remained your girlfriend or not. I treated you with kindness, understanding, and empathy, even when I was angry with the world. I deserved to be treated with the same, even if you decided to move on. What I did NOT deserve was to be cut off the moment after you left, as soon as you could justify breaking up with me it in your mind- because YOU were prepared and I was not. Me asking you for ONE discussion after I had time to process this and stop being in hysterics was not a ploy to convince you to stay. It was to level the playing field so that we could both walk away with something more than regret and bitterness. It could have happened. And like, no conceit at all, but seriously? After everything I've done for you, you just needed to get the f away from me soooo badly that you couldn't take the one hour out of your life to give me that? Two years, darling. This wasn't your sacrifice. It was mine. And I deserved better. I hope one day that thought haunts you in your sleep. That you KNOW that I deserved better. So I guess the anger stage is finally here to stay for awhile.

there is very literally nothing in the world that could hurt me worse than your total abandonment. even if you never speak to me again (and it's looking like that's how its going to be) i hope you know in your heart that you did me wrong and i didn't deserve it. now please, darling, i'm seriously begging you, and god, and the fates that be, please don't make me into a joke. i couldn't have possibly loved you any more than i did. and do. there wasn't anything inside of me other than love and respect for you from our first date. and now i'm forced to reinvent myself, and it's so, so hard. i'm doing a good job. it will never be what i wanted. i don't need you back, i just need to know that you cared at some point. you were planning to wait until i graduated, but you say you were still sleeping with me because you thought we still had a chance. please. just tell me you aren't as awful as you seem now. tell me that you have some empathy for hurting someone who cared for you as deeply as a mother cares for her child. that's all i need to let this go. and i'll never hear it from you, and i still don't understand why.

I needed him. That's the thing. And I know people are going to say 'oh that's unhealthy' or 'no you didn't, you can overcome, you have realized the problem and now you're going to work on it!' But.. that's just not real life. I am all about self-improvement. I strive to learn more and better myself each and every day, and often I succeed and sometimes I fail. But the fact of the matter is that I have weaknesses, ones that I was born with that make me who I am. Weaknesses that I am reluctant to change because I'm not entirely convinced that it IS a weakness, and not just a difference. The most prominent of these is that I do not make friends easily. And it's not really the friendship part... I get along with just about everybody, really. It's the exposure. I don't know how to approach a stranger and just be like, “Hey, you look cool. Let's be friends.” It's beyond me how people accomplish social circles because if you start with very few friends, and ESPECIALLY if your closest friends are extremely like-minded, you don't get the opportunity to meet new people from mutual friends. And Blaine was so outgoing, so sociable, and I loved him for it, and I relished being a part of it. And I guess I don't understand why that's so unhealthy. I don't understand what I could have given him in return to balance it out. I thought I understood, because I was led to believe that I gave him benefits for just being me as well; and I didn't. I called it wrong. And where will I ever meet another social butterfly, secret introvert, who looks like a movie star and has an interesting and endlessly funny mind? He was perfect for me. I know it's not him on a pedestal because it was the first thought that ran through my head every single morning that I was with him as well. Why would fate be so cruel as to make me less than perfect for him? With no conceit and only honesty, I have no less than ten guys that I could call right now that would 'rescue' me from my current situation and love me forever. And I am not and have never been truly interested in anyone other than him. How can I honestly tell myself that I will find someone better? Or even adequate? Focus on the bad times? For me there weren't any. And that really, really sucks. I've put myself through so much pain disconnecting him from my life in every way I can find. The physical changes in my bedroom do nothing but remind me why I had to change it, when I loved it so much more the way it was. The harder I try to accept this, the harder it makes me hold on, and I really don't know how to let go. I'm out of ideas. How much more can I do to try and heal and why am I having no results?

Oh my darling, let me tell you what happened to me not even 10 minutes ago. This is the hardest its ever been not to contact you. I'm actually very angry with you right now for not being here. I got home from work and my neighbor was laying in the common area with blood everywhere. It took me about a full minute before I realized that it wasn't a joke. He was screaming that he had been stabbed by his girlfriend and the kids were inside. I called 911 and stayed with him, but he kept begging me to go in his house and get his kids. I kept telling him I couldn't do that and that help was on the way. I felt so cowardly, but I didn't know what to do or even what happened. The cops and an ambulance came and took everyone away. And I know its incredibly selfish of me to be concerned with myself right now, but I need you so badly. You, with all of your level headed rationality, would have known exactly what to do. I, with all of my emotions, floundered and stumbled and was only able to make the most basic of gestures. God, I miss my other half.

Found on tumblr, not my words, but fits perfectly. i don’t know what to tell you other than the fact that a giraffe’s heart weighs 22 pounds and that somebody once told me when flies fall in love, their entire brain is rewired to only know loving each other. when one of them dies, their memory becomes blank. i hope you never think about anything as much as i think about waking up next to you during a windstorm at 5 am.

I don't know how to not miss you. I am classically trained in the art of missing you. Its killing me to not tell you that I still love you in a way that makes me feel guilty for ever saying it to anyone else, because I realized early on that I never meant it with them. We had something supernatural, and i can't wrap my head around you not feeling the same way as hard as I try... Just don't make us into a joke. Even if I'm never a presence in your life again, don't you dare let your mind convince your heart that what we had was only a figment of our imaginations. If you do, you're a fool, and I know that's not the case.

When you left, you took away my faith in fate. If my fate isn't with you, then fate does not exist. You made every single heart break and pain I've ever experienced make sense. It all led up to making me the woman who was meant to be with you. And that's gone. And that's really hard to accept. I'm reading these boards, I'm going to therapy, I'm growing as a person, but I still have no idea where acceptance will come from. I'm not the kind of person who takes I love yous as a promise. I understand it's said in the moment and feelings change, but it's not like that's the only thing you were telling me. You were making promises that I thought; no, that I KNEW, were from your heart, and I was wrong. I didn't need anything from you in any timeframe. I just needed you. I feel like you used me for my support and then dropped me when I needed yours. I already told you, I understand how badly I was behaving. I was angry at the universe because after two years of grieving for you every minute of every day, when you came back I had no time to even enjoy it. I didn't have one single day with you free of the most intense commitments I've ever experienced. And I had one by one lost every stress release I had used for my entire life. These little things added up- first no smoking (which I know I talked about too much, but only when I was super stressed and deprived of all of my other outlets, which granted, was most of the time). Then no cd burner. Then no tv. Then C wasn't hanging around. Then I screweded with my hormones, (which in case you were interested, the doctor I saw said it takes 3 months for the natural hormones to re-regulate.) Then you started pushing away. I wish I could make you understand this, just so you really understand exactly what happened to me. The stress I was under was one thing, but having no release and no time to figure it out just crushed me entirely. And it led to you abandoning me in my darkest hour, with no good reason, in the shortest time frame that you found acceptable to assuage your own guilt. That's not meant to be an attack of any sort. You decided what was best for you, and all I want is what is best for you. It's just the way it made me feel. See, on top of all of that, when you came home you fell off of your pedestal, as did I. I saw you in full color, with all of your flaws, and honestly, I loved you even more because of those flaws. I know I didn't act like it, I just kind of expected you to know. And maybe you did.. but you didn't care about that. You cared that I needed to lean on you for awhile, I needed you to just be around, to tailor your almost completely free schedule just a little bit to my incredibly busy one, but I also know that you have your own life and I felt selfish for asking. It would make me so frustrated with myself on top of everything else, and so frustrated with you for not understanding how badly I needed you, and especially for not understanding that I wouldn't need you like that forever. So I accepted seeing you whenever you made it possible, which was often the worst time for me. And then I would be beyond stressed, have no release, lose my mind because you were RIGHT THERE and I still couldn't be with you, and get overwhelmed with emotions to the point of insanity. I needed your help and your love and empathy and time, and you gave up on me with what felt like lightening speed, but probably felt like an eternity for you. So now I'm working on new releases, ones that are inside myself instead of external. I will NEVER make these mistakes again. I have learned my lesson so painfully well that it's killing me. I'm working on a lot of things actually, therapy twice a week, meditation classes, working with a doctor to fix my sleeping habits, improving my social skills... I have the time and money now, and I wish it still mattered to you, but at least it still matters to me. I'm afraid now that you didn't care if I was happy and healthy really, only how much I affected your happiness and how much work you would have had to put in to continue the relationship. This isn't supposed to make you feel guilty. I take my share of the blame, which is most of it. There isn't any resentment or anger in my words, and I don't think I'm better than you. In fact, as hard as I'm trying, I still love you so intensely that it makes my self-improvement harder than it needs to be.. But I wish you would reflect on this for your next relationship because I want more than anything for you to find the love of your life and be as happy as I was when I was with you. It's heaven on earth, (even if you're losing your mind).

The initial pain is finally fading into anger, which is fueled by disappointment. In you. I can't even believe your total abandonment. It's jaw-dropping. You are a coward. Not for breaking up with me, not for completely cutting me out of every part of your life as quickly as you could.. that's all icing on the cake. The cake being that during our relationship, you refused to open up to me. The last thing I said to you was "I would have done absolutely anything for you." and you said, "I know." So why in the world would you keep silent while this was brewing and then leave without looking back a single time? I would have changed. Immediately. And for the better. The changes that I'm making now are the changes I could have made then. Which only leads me to believe that you never even wanted to try. That it was all bull. And that just kills me. I remember being worried in my mind when you said you broke up with that girl in high school because a friend told you she was cheating on you. When you confronted her, she told you she was pregnant. You missed the abortion date (I agree it wasn't your fault, you did try everything to be there), but after it was all said and done, you left her. The same way you left me, without looking back. Coward. Do I think what you're doing is morally wrong? No, not at all. But it is cowardice at it's finest. God forbid you have to face the consequences of your actions. You could have saved us if you wanted to. And I understand all of the rest of it, but I want to know the exact point where you decided that I wasn't worth giving a chance. I stood by you and gave you my best smile and my best support through the hardest two years of my life, and you couldn't give me a warning. You said I knew this was coming. You didn't say how every time I brought it up it was followed by me begging you to just talk to me and tell me what you're unhappy with. If the spark died, fine. I need to know that. If you think we have communication problems, fine. You're pretty right. I can't fix that because that is YOUR problem, not mine. I own up to mine. I was terrible to you. But don't you dare put your problems on me too. You're worried about being 2 hours away when for two years you were in Africa and I was faithful, supportive, and felt that you were the same in return? Can you see why this doesn't add up? I need the truth because I can handle any possible reason better than this uncertainty of what the $$$ I did wrong, and when, and how often. But you're too afraid to face me, even through a computer screen or phone. What, because it hurts too much? If you're indifferent to me entirely, it shouldn't be hard for you to give me what I ask for. Even if you loathe the idea of getting back together with me, don't you think after everything that I deserve to have one hour or so of your time to lessen the pain I'm going through? No, you don't owe it to me, but I really just think that anyone who loved me for even a second in time would give it to me. But definitely what's hurting the most right now is that when I told you I loved you, I meant it in a way that very few people ever get to experience. I meant it unconditionally, and I still feel that way. When you told me you loved me, it was the most naive kind of lie. Because if you loved me ever, it would have never come to this.

I pulled away first, on all accounts. It wasn't intentional. At all. I know what it must have seemed like to you, I know that's why you think this is for the best. You fell out of love with me because I wasn't putting in the effort in your eyes. But here's what you don't know. This part is the communication breakdown. I acted the way I did because I was so sure of a future with you that I was concentrating on other things at the present. I know how messed up that sounds. But I had to get through school, and I was pissed at the universe that you finally came home after two years and I was in a position to spend absolutely no time with you. I was so angry at everything that some of it fell (not really on you) but all around you and you didn't understand why. In reality, we were both hurting so bad for so long.. My relationship with you was built on the hurt that comes with love. I know it's over. I do. But since I can speak freely here, without judgement, please let me fix this. Please let me show you that the hurt can be taken away now. We've both waited so long for this. I know it sounds like I'm begging, but I'm not. It's what we both deserve. Part of me gets scared that you feel nothing. That you're content and past the whole thing. And most of me knows through your actions post-breakup that that is false. Impossible. I don't know which is more logical. And it makes all the difference in the world.