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  1. Try to forget everything else (yes, it's tough) and focus on his qualifications as a cellist. Then approach him the same way you did us. Walk up, introduce yourself, and say , "Say, you play cello? The conductor of the orchestra has asked me and this other girl to form a quartet, and we're looking for a cellist. We've heard you play and you're very talented. Would you be interested in being our cellist?"You might want to use the name of your partner instead of saying "this other girl", but other than that wordsmith it however you want. Good luck!
  2. I agree! It's a stupid reason for anything. Honey, don't let your boob size stop you from doing, or make you do, anything! You are more than your body parts! As for the guy, he's already seen your real size (unless you, um, "augment" your bra ). If he wants you, then what's the problem? Tell the voice in your head to shut up! I'm more concerned about you having surgery on your breasts. That's a permanent solution to a temporary discomfort. I infer from your post that you're fairly young; is that why you're waiting 'til next year for the surgery? Do yourself a favor and wait a few more years, and focus on accepting yourself as you are. Work hard on that self-esteem. Self-confidence is the biggest turn-on for most people, not body parts. And if you don't have self-esteem, then no amount of surgery is going to make you feel better. You might even feel worse because you'll convince yourself that guys only like you for your boobs -- and they're not even "real"! Remember, the surgery option will still be there if you really need it. Just try self-acceptance first, OK? Hope this helps. Please let us know what you decide!
  3. Hey, Amlyn. I can't add much to what smallworld said, but I have a few thoughts. First, your original question: Move when you can afford it better. Less debt is good; you'll be racking up enough in college. If your boyfriend loves you that much, he'll understand. Now for the unsolicited part: What do your parents think of your moving? Are they behind it, or will they disown you if you do it? Because college can be a tough gig; and no matter how independent you are, at some point you will need both money and the support of your family. It sounds like you've already considered this point, but I'll say it anyway: Make sure you're moving for the right reasons. The right reasons include things like you want to get out and live life, you want to see other parts of the country, you want to stretch your wings (all of which you have already said you want, so cool The reason I'm stressing this point is that you and your boyfriend could break up, and it will be even harder than usual if you're living together. I'm not wishing it on you, but people grow and change more between the ages of 18 - 24 than at any other time in their life except infancy. I read that somewhere and I can't remember where or I would provide the reference. But it makes sense, and the college years were a time of extreme change and growth for me and everyone I've known. So you and your boyfriend both will be experiencing new things and growing. What if you grow in different directions? What if you don't like the person he's becoming or vice versa? Will there still be a "happily ever after", or will it break you up? Also consider this: you're moving away to experience new things, but you plan to live with your old boyfriend. I don't mean "old" in a derogatory sense; I just mean that he's a pretty significant someone in your life from home. We could just as easily substitute your best friend or a relative in this discussion. The point is, he is someone who loves you just the way you are. That's wonderful, but how much growing and "experiencing" can you do if you're living with him (and I'm not just talking about sex here)? Believe me, 2 things you do NOT want during college are relationship problems and roommate problems. I've had both, and they seriously screwed up my grades. And if your boyfriend is your roommate and things start to go south, you're in for a very bumpy ride. College can be a great time of self-discovery and self-definition. But it's also the time that you really decide "what you want to be when you grow up" and start learning how to do that thing. Live and enjoy your life, but try not to let too many things mess with your grades. You said you'll be paying for your own classes (from student loans), so you don't want to have to retake too many. You would just be flushing money down the drain -- and you'd have to pay it all back eventually. I'm sorry if I sound "preachy", but the advice I'm giving is distilled from the years of my college experience. If I had figured out some of this stuff earlier, my life would be very different now. Don't get me wrong, I love the life I have -- and I'm not sure I would have liked the life I would have had -- but some of the decisions I made in college really did change the course of my life. (Darn it, mom and dad were right. Good thing this forum's anonymous!) Anyway, I hope this helps. Please let us know what you decide!
  4. True here, too. I never protested for it and haven't seen anyone else recently protesting for it either. But I'd like to thank each and every person (woman and man) who did, since I have reaped the benefits of their efforts. So, back to the original topic for Catlover: Whoever asks, pays. That's my rule. It's not only courteous, it's logical. Think back to the days when credit cards weren't given to 10-year-olds, and all dates had to be paid for in cash (still a common situation with the younger set). Whoever is paying has to know how much money to have available for this little adventure, and the only one who knows that is whoever plans the date -- usually, the one who asked for the date in the first place. It's much easier to know that if the Asker and the Payer are the same person, and it keeps you from the embarrassing consequence of having to wash dishes afterward. Even us old fogeys with credit cards benefit from that sort of planning. Ever take a bunch of coworkers out to lunch, and have your credit card refused because you were over the limit? I have. Needless to say, I never want that to happen again. BTW, every boyfriend I've ever had has felt same way I do. Coincidence? Probably, but a lucky one for me. I've never had to quibble with a date over money. And judging from the heat of the arguments on this forum, I should be down on my knees thanking the Deity of Dating for that blessing! The moral of the story is this: date who you're comfortable with. Whatever your requirements for happiness or comfort are, whatever your values, find a guy that has them. If he makes you uncomfortable along any of your dimensions on the first date, then don't date him again. Or, if you're inclined, give him some slack and a second chance. It's your choice. Like mother always said, "Use your better judgement; you're not stupid." SomeGuy, DN: Thanks. I am of an age where all my boyfriends and I were raised with that notion that if the man pays, then the woman has to put out. And if she didn't want to, too bad -- he was entitled to take "fair compensation" for all the money he'd spent. I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER that I just can't express it, especially since I've dated a few creeps in my time. The Equal Rights Amendment may be dead, but thank you for remembering what all the shouting was about. Teacup: Sorry about your rough past. I was raised by an emotionally abusive father, so I can empathize, even if I can't directly relate. He used to use money (among other things) as a means of control too (like your ex), and it's something I still haven't forgiven him for. I'll skip the details, but my early experiences made me swear that I would never be that dependent on a man again. I never again want to wonder where my next meal is coming from, or be forced to thank my abuser for every bite I take of that meal. That vehemence showed up in my early dating relationships, too. But I went in the completely opposite direction from you -- I always wanted to pay or go dutch, to prevent my date from having that much control. I also wanted to drive, to prevent that whole "put out or get out" scenario. Luckily, my dates understood -- usually after only one meeting with my father (yeah, he was that obvious). Fortunately for me, the guys that became actual boyfriends showed me that my father was the exception, not the rule. I learned to relax and to trust, and even to let them pay and drive -- sometimes. The other thing I learned is this: abuse is incredibly invidious. Some issues can persist long after the relationship is over. It's unbelievable how the abusive b@$t@rds get into your head and leave their droppings there. Their nasty thoughts twine around your brain and eventually their nasty words somehow work their way out of your mouth. Sorry about the gross imagery, but I hope you understand. Therapy can help you deal with any residual gunk your ex may have left, and it's no shame to go (despite what abusers might tell you). I also found this website interesting: The moderator is a psychologist (or psychiatrist) who will answer your questions online! There is also a forum, like enotalone, but I warn you: the postings can get rather heated. Here on enotalone, the moderators work hard to make sure everyone stays at least polite; it's a little wilder over there. Good luck!
  5. Well, I'm a "girl", not a "guy", but I'd like to weigh in on this one. I think everybody, male and female, "compares" current partners to ex's to a small degree. Actually, "compare" isn't the right word to use. It might be more accurate to say that those of us who've had sex before go into the next encounter with expectations, which are based on the memory of what we've experienced before. It's not a comparison, really; it's more like a hope -- a hope that this time will feel as good as (or better than) the last time. Don't take this the wrong way, but it's a lot like having a wonderful meal at a wonderful restaurant. Maybe the next time you go back, you order the scallops instead of the scallopini; but you order the new meal hoping it will be as good as the last one you had. You think it probably will be because the last one was so good. Does that make sense? If I understood your last question correctly, you wonder if women care about being compared to his last partner? The answer is yes, to some extent. Women don't seem to have "performance anxiety" as much as men do; but most of us want to give as well as receive pleasure. Many of us want to be remembered fondly (as many of the women who've posted here have said). On the flip side, nobody wants to be remembered badly. In college, I heard some of the guys I hung out with comparing some of the girls they slept with (who were also my friends) to sheep! As in, the girl just laid (lay? lied?) there like a sheep. I didn't ask how they knew what sheep were like in bed, but I should have -- those were my friends they were talking about! Which leads me to my next thought: It's good that you want to wait to lose it to someone you care about, and who cares about you. You avoid scenarios like the one I just described. When there's genuine emotion involved, the experience is much sweeter. I was fortunate enough to get the virginity of a longtime boyfriend. It was not the most mindblowing sex I had ever had, but it was the most beautiful. Believe me, there's a difference! So stick to your guns and who cares what your brothers say?! It's your life.
  6. Hi, everyone! Thanks for all your responses; you've all made good points. After having done more fact-finding (and suffering a bout of the flu), I have an update -- and the situation is both less and more ridiculous than I originally posted. Here goes: 1. She has worked before; she is merely between jobs now, and has every intention of getting another. 2. She does keep up with the housework, so the house is probably cleaner than it has been in ages. 3. The "new things" that she had "talked him into buying" are neither new nor bought. It's just a portable CD player with car adaptor that she brought with her when she moved in. Neither of them paid for it; she got it for Christmas last year. 4. It's true she has no driver's license and no car; but apparently that's not entirely her fault. This is where the real insanity starts, so brace yourselves: This young lady has a half-sister that is 11 years older than her. The short story on Big Sister is this: got driver's license, got car, went to party, got pregnant; hopefully not on the same day. The mother, who from various descriptions sounds seriously bipolar, just lost it. Mommy Dearest decided that the root of her older daughter's problems was the Driver's License -- everything else stemmed from that. So she became a control freak over her younger daughter and would not allow the girl to get her license. Actually, Mommy Dearest wouldn't allow the girl to finish her driver's ed class; so naturally, no license. I don't know what the father was doing through all of this. The mother speaks hatefully and abusively about and to the girl; when the father hears any of this, he puts a stop to it immediately and firmly, or so I'm told. So I don't know why he couldn't rein in his wife and let the girl get her license. Anyway, the father encouraged the girl to move in with my family member, and to finish her driver's education. When she does, her father is going to give her the car he's currently driving -- it's kind of old, but it's paid off. The father is reported to have told her that no, he doesn't really like her moving in with anyone; but he likes my family member and he'd like to do anything to help her start to "live her life". (Again, I ask where was all this support when Mommy Dearest wouldn't let her finish driver's ed?). Needless to say, Mommy Dearest is livid. So I still don't know what to make of all this. The girl in question seems thoughtful and intelligent -- and a lot more motivated than my sister-in-law made her out to be (my SIL is where I got most of my previous information -- or misinformation). But now it looks like she has even more reason to be using my family member to get out of the house. And none of this rules out the original speculation that the father wants to get her off his checkbook any way he can. *sigh* And none of this means that she doesn't actually love him, or at least believe she does. I have spoken to him about this, and he's aware of the risks. I think he really does love her. Unfortunately, only time will tell if it's real, or if they're both just blindly delighted with having found someone to end their loneliness. I'm trying to encourage them to just date for awhile and find out if they really can live together. Well, that's it for now. She's having Thanksgiving dinner with us, so I'll get to talk to her more. And I'll get to smack the sister-in-law who fed me all the misinformation (apparently she doesn't approve), so at the very least it will be an interesting holiday. Wish me luck!
  7. Hey, SoMuchLove, Don't stress over it. I happened to take one guy's virginity, but I didn't find out until afterward -- long afterward. I didn't notice a thing wrong that night, so it must really come naturally. I do have to point out, however, that I would like to have known beforehand -- just to make it a little more special for him. So, yes, girls do like to be remembered fondly. Hope this helps!
  8. People in the military will tell you that respect is earned, not given. And while we're talking about a slightly different form of respect here, the concept is the same. He would have to change his perception of you to someone who is worthy of his respect. This is very hard to do, especially if he's gotten into a habit of thinking poorly of you. It's also going to be hard if he saw this kind of disrespect between his parents (you don't say if that's the case). In my mind, love and respect are linked very closely. It's extremely difficult to love someone you can't respect. So if he doesn't respect you, does he still love you? If not, why is he still in the relationship? If so, how can he not respect you? Do you respect him, especially now that you've found out how he feels? And do you respect yourself? I'm assuming there are other problems if one or both of you are in counseling. Do those problems impact his lack of respect for you? It's hard to answer your question without some background.
  9. I agree. He can feel free to tell you that he's just not the counseling type, but he should go and participate if he's that sorry and wants to keep you. It's commendable that you don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to; but you wouldn't be going to counseling either, had he just kept it in his pants. You are within your rights to ask him to go. BTW, get recommendations for marriage counselors, and check them out beforehand. I've known couples who got counselors who dragged out old baggage. You should expect some of that as you explore any issues that may have led to cheating. However, this counselor didn't help them resolve anything. The couple ended up fighting more and resolving less and ultimately quit counseling. Your counselor should focus on cheating: how it should NOT happen again; and trust: how you can feel it and how he can earn it back. Ask them for suggestions that will help both of you get through his business trips. And is it possible for him to put off traveling until you get through some of this? Good luck, and please keep us posted. Take care!
  10. Exactly. Don't feel bad about asking advice here. You are looking for help; he is looking for ... ????? (love in all the wrong places?) I've known couples who go out of their way to point out good looking strangers, or parts of strangers, to each other; and couples who would take that as the ultimate sign of disrespect. Ditto porn (and some couples I know look at it together). It's all about what the two of you are OK with. He might not be trying to hurt you; it could simply be that he gets off talking about the sex act. With anyone. Talk to him, calmly and without accusation, and let him know it makes you feel bad. Ask him to stop, or try talking about it with you, or whatever will make you feel better. If he loves you, he'll be ok with it. If not, I'd have questions. BTW, it's pretty common for guys to feel like their presense and exclusivity with you should say it all. Some guys feel like that's so obvious, they shouldn't have to say anything. Some women are fine with that, and some aren't. It's OK for you to be either way. If he respects your feelings and wants to keep you with him, he'll do what it takes. Hope this helps.
  11. Good for your friend, and good for your mom. You know, I've read some of your other posts here on the forum, and you sound like a pretty good person. Sensitive to other peoples' feelings, with a dollop of common sense as well -- until it comes to your choice of guys and activities. I'd really love to see you live past 13; please find some safer ways to have fun, and safer guys to hang with.
  12. Luciana, the speculation is that her father is actually encouraging this match. From what I understand, she's been living at home all her life; she's 22, and never went to college. That means she's been there, doing ??? since graduating from high school. She has no driver's license, which she could have gotten at age 16, so anytime she wanted to go anywhere, a parent had to take her. And of course, fund her little expedition. Her family is fairly dysfunctional from what little I've heard from her and other sources. Under ordinary circumstances, I'd say this situation is unthinkable. But given the level of dysfunction, I'm not surprised that her father would allow this. He probably considers her a drain on his resources, not a daughter (little dreaming that, if she shows so little motivation, he is at least partly responsible). *SIGH* I've only actually met this girl once. She told me some things about her family, and the fact that she doesn't have a job. The rest I've heard from other family members who have been around her more often in the last 6 months. And the bit about the father is speculation from those other family members. It's based on things she's said, but it's still speculation. They do make each other very happy, and I feel I should factor happiness in, to be fair. She is the only female in the area who shares my family member's interests/hobby/sport -- which he has already said he is not giving up. Unfortunately, each member of this couple has faults that feed the other's faults. I think I already know the answer to this question, but -- is there a chance I'm being too hasty? Should I get to know her better myself before I tell him to drop her like a hot potato? Or should I nip this thing in the bud before they do something stupid, like elope?
  13. Hmm, good thought, Serendipity. Although, she'd have to get her driver's license first -- their town does not have a public transportation system to speak of. Still, it's do-able. I just wonder why this idea has not occurred to her. She's been dating him for 6 months and I know he's told her about the bankruptcy. They're contemplating marriage. If she loves him as much as she claims, wouldn't she be looking for ways to help? Or am I being naive now?
  14. Well said, Boricua! I also know how it feels to be emotionally abused by a control-freak father. My mom and brothers were great to me, but by themselves they couldn't outweigh the negativity and destructiveness of my father. Fortunately, I found friends that loved me (and still love me decades later), who would help me up when I was down and remind me that I may not be perfect, but I was already a better human being than my father was. They reminded me of my other good qualities, too. One of them even stood up to my father for me! So I found comfort with my friends and peace within myself -- and then I found love. My brothers taught me to treat my father as an acquaintance, rather than someone important. I didn't get it; he's my father, he's supposed to love me. It took years, but they finally convinced me that although he might love me, he has no clue how to show it. And that the best defense was not giving his words and actions the weight that I would normally give them. I guess it was a form of emotional divorce. It saddens me that I had to put such a barrier between myself and a parent; but I also think that's the only reason I'm not living in a mental hospital. Your family is wrong to mistreat you. You need to realize that, too. And they're not just morally wrong; they are also mistaken about you. Once you realize that it is their mistake, not yours, it goes a long way toward setting your spirit free and lifting your self-esteem. And if you feel like you need more help, there's nothing wrong with talking to someone: a school counselor, pastor, friend, aunt or uncle, or even a therapist. And of course, enotalone. We're glad to help, but we can't hug you. Or, we can only send you virtual hugs, which I send right now. BTW, 145 at 5'6" sounds pretty darned good to me. I do hope this helps. Please keep us posted on how you're doing,
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