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a beautiful disaster

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About a beautiful disaster

  • Birthday 04/03/1986

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  1. Wow, I don't know if you guys even remember me or not! lol. It has been months since I posted on here. I just thought I should give an update because I remember how helpful everyone was to me, and I appreciate that so much. I don't want anyone thinking I just died or dropped off the face of the earth, because I haven't! I'm in college now, on Christmas break. Me and my boyfriend are still no longer together. After I posted here for the last time, we did get back together. Yeah, I know, I know. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid. But it only lasted about a month. This time things went from bad to worse in a much shorter time frame. Just before school started, he "broke up" with me, and I said "that's a great idea!" Apparently he hadn't expected me to say this, so he tried to get me back and all of that. I know he only said he was breaking up with me to manipulate me into doing what he wanted, but I took it as my chance to leave for good. He still calls me. And emails me. And makes every attempt in the world to see me and have contact with me. And sometimes I get really lonely and I want to go back. But I haven't. We broke up in August officially. It's now January, and I am still single. I am starting counselling next semester. This is mostly for my parent's alcoholism and the problems I have with that, but I'm going to at least mention this. Because it still bothers me. I feel really worthless sometimes, like the only person who ever loved me only wanted me around for sex. And what if that's how it is forever? It hurts really bad, because I loved him and I just don't understand why he couldn't love me for who I am. I try not to think about this situation very much, because apparently it still hurts. Reading over these old posts made me remember it all, and I feel like crying now. I met a guy this year, named Sean, who I liked, and he liked me. But I just brushed him off after awhile. I don't know why we didn't date. It was like I couldn't. And he assumed I just wasn't into him, so he stopped calling. And I just feel like there won't be many more chances for me. But at the same time, I had such a hard time even talking to him. I just kept thinkig, "if only he knew who I really was. maybe if he found out, he would agree with my ex-boyfriend that I'm too much trouble." Anyway, I think like that sometimes. But all and all I am doing better. This site literally saved my life I think. I would have been with him forever if I hadn't written that post and if you guys hadn't put up with all my defending him until the end. I feel certain that I would still be with him now. So thank you. Just wanted to give an update and say happy new year!
  2. Hey Hope, thanks for asking. Yeah things have improved slightly, but it's all still kind of stressful around here. My mom has stopped going through her "poor me" phase, which is always a plus. I saw him at a 4th of July party yesterday. But yeah, I think I am doing okay in that department. He seems okay too, which makes me happy. I am still communicating with him a little, and he seems a lot better (I know what you guys will say- that he isn't different and all that. lol. but I see what I see, and I see that he has made a lot of improvements- though I won't take any chances this time. I know he has put on this facade of "betterness" for me in the past ). I haven't been feeling lonely lately at all, which is good. So no going back to that scene before. . . nope. I like to think I am a little stronger than that now. And everyone's been really supportive throughout this ordeal. I just go to my best friend or my parents if I am feeling weak and wanting to go back to him. Anyway, we spoke briefly about his counselling. He's pretty closed off about it- just says it's going fine. I don't know. He only has one session left. I've been trying not to think about him much. Instead I am thinking about this really hot guy at work that I can't help but flirt with. Lol. He seems normal. Wow could it be that I have found a guy that isn't a psycho? Haha. Anyway, maybe it will blossom into something, maybe not. I think I'll just take it easy for awhile and work on my novel. Relationships get too complicated. . . Well it's getting late and I better go to bed. I'll continue to keep you guys updated. Thanks for the support!
  3. Sorry I haven't posted. I've had a really bad week, guys. My mom lost her job. I've been working full time and we're having some serious legal trouble with an old landlord of ours. I appreciate the concern (it feels really nice to have someone that cares), but DO NOT worry about me. I'm okay !! I'll try to post more later this week. . .
  4. Yes this book has been suggested to me by a ton of people lately, along with "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by. . . somebody Evans I believe. I think I'll look into both to make sure I don't fall back into his same trap again. Thanks a lot!
  5. Oh no, not at all. I was just using an example of what some abused women go through and why it is so hard to leave their partners. . .
  6. Okay. . . yeah I deffinetely see your points. I don't think I'm going to do it after all. I have hesitated in replying to his email because I know, deep down, that I am weak right now (I will probably be weak for a long time) and he will break me down with the apologies/puppy-eyes thing. I have really enjoyed my life without him lately. I have time to do the things I want to do because I no longer have to set aside a portion of my day to spend with him. Basically I am living the life I used to have- the one I liked. I really, really don't want to give it up. I know I am too weak for this right now. I feel stronger, but the underlying weakness is still very much there. God now I realize why abused women never leave! Not only do they have to deal with the grief and loss of a partner, but that partner also continues to be in their life- making every attempt in the world to get them back- annoying them, calling them, emailing them, following them, even threatening them until they can't take it anymore! I mean, a human being can only take so much! They have to be twice as strong as everyone else after a break up, when they are already weak from dealing with bullsh*t for so long. I will never, ever be judgemental of an abused woman EVER again after knowing what it's like. Thanks guys, once again, I have known the right decision to make- but wouldn't act on it until I actually *thought* it through after reading your advice and talking to my friends. I don't seem to trust my own judgement much anymore. . . considering all the dumb things I do.
  7. Okay, I still haven't sent an answer about Thursday yet. I'm gonna stay up forever thinking about it. . . But I just have an honest question. Do you guys really think he has this all planned out- like he has a giant evil plot on how to further ensnare me? Or is much of his behavior unconscious and impulsive? I mean, does he actually plan to be cruel to me in the future just for kicks, or does he really and truly believe he is better and just doesnt mean to go back to the way he was? It's just that. . . I know this guy. He can't even get to his own school (barely his own house) without someone giving him directions. He's very clueless a lot of the time and just floats through life somehow on bits of luck and circumstance. I find it impossible to believe that he is planning out my demise and attacking my weak points to gain power like he's Darth Vador or something. All I'm asking is if it is unconscious (like he has just had these behaviors for so long they come naturally) or does he really know what he's doing about suggesting contact on Thursday- and is making a plan to get me under his control? For one thing, I don't even think he's aware that he's a controlling person. . . This goes for a lot of abusive people and is something I've been wondering a long time. I don't get it. Is it impulse. . . or do they plan this stuff out?? It's just hard to believe that this person I have been dating for more than a year, who I've talked to and loved and known so well, could be plotting against me, consciously hurting me, and making plans to take it even further. . . The bottom line is: yes, he hurts me, but does he really honestly and consciously know it?
  8. Well things have been a lot better for me lately. I've been working day-shifts and even excersising and shopping (very therapeutic I have found. lol). In fact I've felt really great. I've started writing again (been working on a third novel since April). It's amazing, but I thought I had lost my ability to write for months now. Turns out it was because my mind was centered and obsessed on how to fix my relationship. Now that it's out of the way, the inspiration and words are just flowing! Anyway, *he* has been emailing me a lot. He seems to be doing a lot better. He is carrying on a normal life without me there. He says he still misses me like crazy and wants the break to end though. Anyway I am writing this to ask a question. He emailed me today and said he wants us to meet up on Thursday night, just to see each other and hang out. I haven't given an answer yet. I know he wants to work on getting back together, and the thought has crossed my mind. He says a lot of his problems are sorted though (like the ones that had to deal with us) and he seems a lot better at handling things without me, which was the core of our problem basically (his obsession with our relationship). So I am sort of sitting here thinking, "why not give it a try if things are normal now?" I mean, we could actually have a normal relationship I think- if he has really worked through the core of that problem. And I think he has, seeing as how he is getting along very well without me. What do you guys think? And again, thanks a million for all the support! This site is awesome.
  9. Yeah I'm a girl and I wouldn't think anything of that. She probably thought it was cute, or (most likely) didn't even notice it. Don't worry so much!
  10. Lol. Yeah I would give her space. PMS is a scary thing. I get sooo pissed off if someone breathes too loud, if something breaks, if something is in my way when I'm driving. All these little things just eat at you, and then you just blow up- usually on an unsuspecting, undeserving victim. She can't control it, and neither can other girls. I am usually a patient person, and I don't want to be mean- but everything pisses me off SO BAD when I have PMS. No, she doesn't hate you. She just can't be nice to you right now- she feels like crap. I suggest just a little space. It's nothing to worry about though, all women go through it (some have it a little worse than others too and sounds like your girlfriend might be one of those). Good luck and don't take it personally! She really doesn't want to hurt you at all!
  11. Look I know you want to help your friend, but there is nothing you can do. The only thing that could possibly help, as far as I can see, would be professional psychotherapy, anger management and/or drug rehabiliation. If you try to sit and "talk" to him, it will only fuel his anger and make things worse. He doesn't sound much like the talking type anyway. What you could do is have sort of an intervention type thing, just corner him and tell him that if he doesn't get some professional help, all of you will have no choice but to drop contact with him. If he really cares about you guys, he will consider how bad his problems have gotten for you to say that and hopefull try to help himself out. As for the rape thing, I hate to tell you but the majority of rape/abuse claims are true- unless the girl is trying to get revenge on the guy for breaking up etc (and you said he only met her one night and didn't even know her, so I doubt this is the case). Maybe he himself didn't see it as rape. He says she didn't say no or tell him to stop. Well maybe she *couldn't*. If a girl is physically unable to say no- like sleeping, drunk, or passed out, it is still considered rape. Sex has to be consensual or it is rape. Maybe he doesn't see this or just doesn't want to fess up. But given what you have posted about him, I am sorry to say I believe it. Just try the intervention thing. If it doesn't work, I think you need to really stop hanging out with him. He sounds destructive to all of your well-beings and your relationship with you girlfriend! This situation will not get better with time- only with professional help. Good luck!
  12. Thank you all so much- especially you armchairshrink. And no, your post didn't look funny I really appreciate your support. I feel a lot better today. No crying at all. The pain is there, but not as much. I am keeping busy, so I have other stuff to occupy my mind. I enrolled at college today. It looks like I will have a lot of fun and barely any time to mope around this fall. Lol. Anyway, I think I am starting a new chapter in my life and I am ready to move on from the old one- it still stings though. Do you think there is any way possible for him to get help while we are on this break? I think without me there he will have a higher chance of working out his problems. I just wish I could get inside his head. He makes it so easy for me to believe he is changing, but I never know what to think. Do you think he is trying at least? I don't want to be completely hateful to him if he is trying and/or making progress. Anyway. . . just wondering what you think. And thank you so much, all of you, for sticking around through my whiny-ness and stubborn stupidity. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
  13. armchairshrink- Love your name! Gosh I am sorry you had your identity stolen. That's like. . . one of my worst nightmares. I don't know why- since I carry no credit cards or anything of any real value. Got about two hundred bucks in the bank and I live from paycheck to paycheck. But still Anyway, thank you for your post about your friend. I am sorry that had to happen to her. It really sucks that her family reacted like that too. Anyway, I know I did the right thing. But the thing is, you can know something until you are blue in the face, but knowing it is nothing- it's like vapor, air, empty space until you believe it. Believing it is what makes it real. I hope I am heading to a point in my life where I can believe I made the right choice. Until then I feel that I will be in this much pain. I feel so ugly, so unlovable. I just wish I could disappear. I don't feel that I will ever be loved again- and I know you all think he never loved me, but I know he did. In some way. And I think it was my only chance, and it was a mess. It was doomed from the start. That was all I get. Like a game- my number's up- I lose. I know I am only nineteen, but it has taken me nineteen years to build a relationship with anybody and what if that is all I'm going to get? What if it takes me nineteen more years to realize it's too late? I'm not okay with being the crazy-old-lady-who-owns-a-thousand-cats anymore, like I used to joke about becoming when I was a kid. Now that I've felt love, even a little, I will not be okay with never having it again. Anyway, I know I am whining. I just have never felt so alone. I try to be normal. I try to do normal things and I can't function. I try to go out and then ten minutes of driving later, I realize I want to be at home in my room. I go home to my room and I realize I HAVE to get away or I'll go insane, so I go back to my car and repeat the cycle. I can't win. I'm a prisoner in my own head. There's no one to talk to, because everytime I try to talk about this my throat just closes and I can't speak. I don't know why. It's like I'm choking and I can't breathe for a second. I can't talk to anyone. And it hurts so bad to keep it in. I feel like I need to cry but the tears won't come out, and my throat hurts so bad because there is this lump there. He's emailed me twice now- yesterday and last night. And I know I should be ignoring this. . . but I ended up feeling really bad that he hasn't emailed me today. I ended up checking my email about every hour just hoping and hoping to hear from him. That's pathetic, I know. I don't know how to stop. I called the counselling service numbers, or at least tried. But then I ended up feeling really bad because those services are for people who've actually been in a real "abusive" situation, and I feel like I haven't. So I didn't think I should do it- plus there is the no money issue. And I feel like I don't have an "excuse" to be in so much pain as to need a counsellor to sort it out. I don't think my relationship was "bad enough" to have to take action like that. So I think I will just tough it out on my own. Thanks so much, you guys. I will get through this, I just don't know when anymore.
  14. Is it okay if I whine for a second. . . just because this is the only place I can? Okay well I'm going to anyway, so no point in asking. I had NO IDEA it would hurt this bad. Why didn't someone tell me? I thought it would feel better if I broke up with him. I'm having nightmares. Even my sleep is full of doubts about my decision. Basically the only things I've done today are sitting around feeling sorry for myself, eating a ton of Taco Bell, and doing the dishes because I'm that desperate to stop thinking of him. He called me yesterday. I shouldn't have answered, but no one was around to stop me except myself. Gee. . . where do you think that led? Basically he told me that he missed me really bad and that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that I deserve so much better than him. I started to feel guilty so I got off the phone really fast. He hasn't called me since, because I told him that talking to him hurt me a lot. I guess for once he thought of my feelings. . . Anyway, I went to work today and told my boss I won't be in for the rest of the week and when I come back I will need a new schedule. He told me it was okay, so I guess I still have a job (yay). I am trying to dwell on the bad times in the relationship to justify my leaving, but the good times are there as well. And they are haunting me! I'm to the point that if he called me today, I think I would be too weak to even hang up at all. I mean, I think I am so weak I would take him back if he called me and asked me today. He is at work now, so I don't guess that will happen. How long will it hurt like this? A week? A month? I can't handle more than that. I've got a lot to do, and I can't function. I am starting to think I blew this out of proportion (I know logically that I did absolutely the right thing, but since it hurts so bad I am trying to justify my pain in other ways). Is this pain because I really loved him, or is it because I was so attached to him? Or are they the same? Do you think maybe I could have made it work if I had stayed? That thought hurts worse than anything. . .
  15. Okay I feel like I'm reading something that I've posted. I too am sitting around in my underwear (at least I finally put something on) and I was watching some dumb tv and thinking about my boyfriend, who I broke up with on Sunday. What was bad about your relationship? There were a million things wrong with mine (read my other posts). But I can't stop feeling like. . . hm. . . maybe I overreacted. I miss him like crazy. It's freaking killing me. I dream about him. I think about him all the time. Wow, this is crazy. EXACTLY how I feel is what you wrote in your post. Exactly. I know I am not being much help, but just know that you are not alone. Just know that somewhere in the world, a girl feeling the exact same way as you is sitting around in her underwear eating a bean burrito and wishing she could disappear. . .
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