miss bella

Yes, it's the same guy. I do have issues with abandonment. When you are in a relationship you need to have the security that whatever happens in the bad times that you can count on them to stick with you. In my reply I brought up the stripper issue & he said that instead of blowing me off he wants to work on the issue. Which was all that I wanted. The things that scare me most is that it would go back to that unhealthy cycle. Hence, the problem I'm having. If he really showed the commitment necessary to deal with this problem instead of ignoring it, then yes I do want to be with him. It was the only thing we fought about. If the strippers were taken out then our relationship would have been perfect. We had so much in common. Even after we were living together for awhile he'd leave for work & kiss me goodbye & everytime I'd still get swept off my feet. When we'd go for dinner, we'd just talk & laugh & always be the last people to leave. It was as if time stood still, I'd blink & it would be 4 hours later because we enjoyed each other so much. Can I forgive all the past hurt to have that again, I just don't know? He has ALOT to prove. Actions speak louder than words at this point.

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I've posted, but I do check in everyday. A brief history........ We had a great relationship for 10 months, but moved in together way too early. Things fell apart because we did the No 1 mistake of neglecting ourselves as individuals. This was April 2005. I moved out & we had limited contact, we sort of helped each other through the break up. It was very strange. 4 months later he wanted to give things another go. But, he never really gave me much attention as he was going overseas & he didn't know how long for. Before he left he was having doubts about whether he could handle being alone traveling away from his comfort zone. He turned to me for support & encouragement. Although it was killing me & it hurt so badly that he was going & didn't know if & when he'd be back. I put those feelings aside to give him the support he needed. I knew that in the long run it would help him grow as a person & it would be the best thing for him. He gave me a beautiful diamond ring before he left as he wanted me to have something with me everyday that would remind me of him. He left 16 Jan 2006. When he first left I only got a couple of emails that weren't personal at all. Just, the weather is nice, it's crowded, lots of construction going on here, you know, just chit chat kinda emails. So, I told him I didn't really want to keep in contact anymore as I needed to heal. Then on Sunday I received a very long & beautiful email out of the blue. He was saying how much he missed me & I was in his thoughts everyday. He said he was having trouble believeing that this whole time he had been completely faithful to me. I never even asked to know that. He volunteered. We aren't together, so he is free to do whatever he wants with whom ever he wants. But, said he can't, he doesn't want to share that with anyone else. As you can imagine I am floored. From when we got back together in August 05 til when he left in January he treated me badly. He wouldn't really spend anytime with me, drinking with his mates always took priority. I probably only saw him once every 2 weeks. He did call me everyday though. There is something between us that I can't explain. It's very powerful. I've been in love & engaged a couple of times before, but it's nothing compared to this something we share. I honestly think we are soulmates. I just can't describe it. So, the problem is, I'm scared. I had accepted he wasn't coming back & let go. What if I let him get close to me again & he hurts me? I'm scared to death to get hurt again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please help me I'm so confused. He's not coming back for another few months. I'm glad to have that time to sort my feelings out. Thanks for reading this. Please help. He has abandoned me twice, how can I trust him not to do it again?

He told me he wasn't involved in the stripper thing. I have confronted him with the going overseas thing with the intention to sleep around. He says he is not interested in that sort of thing as he is not a sexual person, which I know. For the 6 months we were separated he did not sleep with anyone else. I know he loves me because eveytime we are together he breaks down and cries because he is going to miss me so much. I believe this because last week I thought I would be best for me to cut contact as I know he is leaving for a few months. He could not go 3 days without contact, he just missed me too much. I told him that if he is intimate with anyone else while he is away I could not take him back. As I can't understand how you could do something like that when you are in love with another person. He is very confused and doesn't know what he wants out of life, including me. He turned 30 a few weeks ago. I guess he is going OS to sort through his feelings. He knows that if he did anything with anyone else he would lose me forever. He told me that losing me would almost kill him. But, I still have that information in the back of my mind, that he is playing me? To tell me these things, then go OS, do whatever he wants and come back to me. I guess like a get out of jail free card, one last experience as a single guy before he settles down sort of thing.

My BF went to a bucks party where a group of 15-20 guys got a hotel room and hired 2 strippers to perform. As part of their act they went down on each other and inserted objects. I wasn't told of the night until a week and a half later. This bothers me. He said it shouldn't as the next day all the other girlfriends were laughing about it. He thinks there is something wrong with me because I should be like the other girlfriends. Would the majority of women not be bothered by this? He says all guys do this sort of thing and if they say they don't they are lying. Also, he is going overseas in a couple of weeks, to do some travelling, which I have always given my full support to. I found out he has contacted a friend of his to start lineing up the women for him while he's over there. He says guys say these sorts of things to big note themselves to other guys and women are never meant to know. I don't think he has told this friend we are seeing each other again. What should I believe?

The other day I found on my camera phone a photo. The phone used to be his. There was a picture taken in someones backyard of a group of guys sitting in a circle watching a naked girl on all fours on top of a guy (like the 69 position). The picture was taken in July last year when we first started seeing each other. He always told me he was embarrassed by strippers and felt uncomfortable. But in the photo, obviously taken by him, he is sitting in the front in the circle, taking photos and the photo was sent to his email address. I don't know what to think of this, I feel lied to. Was everything he told me a lie so he could go to these things? What should I do? I haven't told him what I have found yet.

I have asked him to take me for a look to satisfy my curiosity, and he said no.

I have a problem with my BF & strippers. He says he doesn't like going as he feels embarrassed, but his friends like to go & he wants to be a part of the male bonding thing. He says he doesn't like it, then why does he take photos with his phone & send them to his mates & they do the same to him. He has been approx. 6 times in the past year. Once I asked him not to go as I was feeling self conscieous, & he promised me he wouldn't, then the next day he told me he went anyway. What goes on in strip clubs? Is looking at me not enough for him? Do guys compare their girlfriends bodies to strippers? And do they think things like, I wish my partners had her %$&* bits? Any insight would be appreciated.

Thanks guys. I didn't reply. You are right. He lets me get so far then tries to suck me back in. NO MORE!!!!! I deserve better. He does not have me, and I way I feel at the moment he will never have me. I will not be anyones doormat. I guess I just needed that little bit of strength only you guys can give me. Thanks.

When we were trying to work things out, he said he still wasn't sure how he felt about me. That he wanted to take things slowly and see where it went. But, he was doing things like cancelling dates at the last minute or making plans with me then cancelling when a better offer from friends came along. To me that wasn't good enough. I deserve a priority. So I broke it off, and explained why.

Hi Guys, It's been awhile. Brief history. Ex broke up with me, tried to work things out, then I broke up with him. He wasn't giving me what I needed. I was happy, happy being single and exploring new options. Now, last night got text message from ex. It's been about two weeks since I heard from him. he says he's been thinking about me. I don't know what I feel now. Should I respond with a friendly reply? Small talk. Or should I ignore? I know it can never be the same as it was, but I don't know what to do. All this turmoil just came back. I just don't know anymore. Help please.

Hi everyone, Here's an update on whats been happening. Ex broke up with me, I was absolutely shattered. I thought I'd never recover, but I did. He came back after a couple of months wanting to try again. I said I'd give it a go and thought all my prayers had been answered. But after a few weeks I realised I didn't want him anymore. It's funny how when we are dumped we tend to idealise our ex partners and remember them as perfect. Seeming to forget all the flaws. I did alot of work on myself, and my life is great, I love it. And, I love being single. When he left, he wrecked the relationship. I guess he thought that if ever he changed his mind I'd come running and I did, but what I was running to was the expectation that he was perfect as I had imagined. I am loving being on my own, so many great things are happening. I'm done. There are bigger and better things out there for all of us. Best of luck everyone.

For those who have been there for this most difficult break-up, finally success, we are back together. My ex and I have been seeing each other for the past few weeks. We both realise what went wrong and are working together to get back on the right track. We have decided to leave the past behind and start fresh. He dumped me. But, I followed every-one's advice and got a great life. Great job, great apartment, great friends and once he saw how well I was doing we wanted me back. I told him how wonderful I am and how any man should consider himself lucky if I gave him the time of day. And, I truly believe it. I don't need a man, but if I choose to spend my precious time with one, then he is lucky. Don't mean to sound arrogant but my main issue was self-esteem. I have done ALOT of work on improving myself, and I'm proud of that. He calls me many times during the day and puts in heaps of effort to put things aside so he can spend time with me. I let him do the chasing, he broke the trust and has to work on proving to me this is what he really wants. He understands that and is truly making a great effort. In return if he comes over to my house I'll cook him dinner. We deeply love each other and want to be together. Things are going great and we are taking things very slowly and letting things progress naturally. Just thought I'd let every-one know. I followed all of your advice, you all know what you have to do, just following it is HARD. We are all special people and those of you who take the time to reply and help others, strangers, are truly wonderful. Thank-you all so very, very much for all your support for without you I don't think I would have coped. Big Hugs and Kisses to everyone.

My ex (the dumper) has been over to my place for dinner twice this week. The first time, on Wednesday, we just kept it light & caught up on each others lives. I tried to talk about things, but he didn't want to, which I didn't push. I just said I'd be fine with or without him in my life. Which is true. Then last night he came over again. We ate, chatted and started to watch a movie. Things started to get touchy-feely. I started to cry. He said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. The only thing that would hurt me is him leading me on, if he knows in his heart I am not the one then he should leave me alone. I just wanted to know if he is open to seeing where things go. I told him all this and he agreed it was what he wanted too. I feel such relief. He always treated me like a princess, his little china doll he wanted to protect from the world. The pressure of constantly worrying if I was OK got too much for him. He worries alot. I can look after myself and have done so for a long time. I think he just needed time to see that for himself. He says he is not ready for a full-on relationship again. We loved each other sooo much and I guess lost ourselves in the relationship. We are going to date again & see where things go, yet with wiser eyes. We are armed with the knowledge of what didn't work for us. Now we can hopefully discover what will. Just wanted to share with you guys how far i have come. And, if it doesn't work at least I know we gave it our best shot and it just wasn't meant to be.

After seeing ex at a birthday dinner last weekend he has been texting me with messages like, " I think about and miss you everyday. I sometimes get sad and lonely as well". But, yesderday I got a message which reads " This has been the most difficult & confusing thing that has ever happened to me.I don't understand what I feel and that is what I hate the most. I just don't want to hurt you anymore". As you can see he is a very confused person and I am giving him all the space and patience he needs. He is coming over next week for a talk which I think is a step in the right direction. Do you think there is any hope for us or am I clutching at straws? This is the most he has said to me in 6weeks. Your thoughts please. P.S. Stumbling on this site has been a godsend for me. All of you guys have helped me so much. You are so insightful and free with advice. I think all of you are such wonderful people who really deserve great people in your lives. A heartfelt thanks to everyone on this forum.

On Friday I got a text from my ex (he dumped me). His friend was interested in buying my old car which is still at his place. The text read " Hi, hope you are doing great... how much do you want for your car. **** is asking. I replied " Around $1000". He replied "Ok...and hello to you too." I ignored it. He then sent me another text, " He sounds pretty keen on the car, I will let you know, I hope you are OK." I didn't respond. Then Saturday morning I got another message, "Are you not talking to me?" I didn't respond. He then called and left a message asking why I was not talking to him" I called back a couple of hours later leaving a message saying I was sorry i didn't respond but i have been so busy. If he needed to talk to me he can call me, but if it's not urgent we'll talk later. Then on Saturday night we both were at a friends birthday dinner. I was happy and having fun and laughing with people. He sat in the corner at another table and only talked to the people he sat with. Everyone was saying how quiet he was which wasn't like him. I made the effort to talk to him while we were at the bar. I was really light and saying how happy I am with my new job & everything. Am I doing the right things? I tried to follow the advice posted on this site. I really love him & want him back. I didn't put any pressure on him, was this right? P.S. Everyone said I looked stunning, but more importantly, I felt good.