RougeQueen

I saw a video on YouTube a couple days ago that really changed things for me, ex. It’s actually one that was posted on this forum. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and hurting so much. Then I watched the video and it made me realize why. The next morning I woke up and I felt different. I still thought about you but the aching pain I felt constantly was gone. I still think about you and miss you sometimes but I saw what that overwhelming pain actually was and it really had very little to do with you. It still hurts a bit knowing that you moved on so effing quickly, but I feel now that I’m able to look and move forward as long as I keep up with NC. I’ve been avoiding our mutual friends because of this. I don’t want to hear anything about you and, to be honest, our mutual friends were ones I met through you and I’ve only known them a short time so I don’t feel like this is much of a loss as long as it helps me heal. I’m hoping things will only go up from here with only minor bumps in the road.

Day 2 of NC since I blocked you. I went on Facebook and scrolled through my newsfeed. I still have a couple of our mutual friends on there and every time I’d see one of them post something I was afraid I would see something about you. The FB blocking feature isn’t all encompassing and misses things sometimes. I got really anxious about seeing anything about you so I’ve decided that I’m going to take some time off of it for awhile. While on it I had to fight a morbid urge to not try to look for anything about you, so I think this is the best course. When I broke up with my ex before you I had to do the same thing and it did take quite some time for me to get back on it, but it helped. I’m just so scared of seeing anything about you and your new chick right now while I feel so fragile. I feel like any little thing would shatter me. I’m so hurt that it took you so short a time to find someone new, but I can’t even say I’m suprised. You always have jumped from woman to woman, never taking any time off in between. I honestly don’t think you’ve ever really dealt with any of the emotional baggage you’ve brought from any relationship because of it. Maybe that’s why you would always still bring up your exes. Every day. To me. That alone should have been a huge sign telling me to RUN. That and the fact that you would always say you attracted the “crazy” ones. Well, you were obviously attracted to “crazy” too what with how many of them you’ve been with. You told me once that I was one of the only “normal” women you’d ever been with. Maybe that was boring for you? And then there was how we could literally never go anywhere without running into a woman you had either dated or had slept with. So many glaring red flags that I ignored and still allowed myself to fall in love with you. Well, you didn’t deserve me. I did so much for you to show you I cared while you just took, took, took. When you first moved you were struggling with money so I leant you some. Yep, won’t be seeing that again I’m sure. You just used me for what you could get be it sex, money, or rides places and then through me out immediately after you didn’t need me anymore. I was so stupid. I’m just so angry that you’ve moved forward and not looked back while I’m still suffering and wondering why I wasn’t good enough. I don’t really expect you to try to reach out to me now, and honestly I don’t want you to, but it still hurts that it was just that easy for you. I guess moving somewhere brand new where there are no memories of us makes that easy. And seeing you with that new chick, where you actually dressed up to go out with her, hurt even more. You’d barely change shirts to hang out with me, let alone get all spiffed up. But all of this really doesn’t matter anymore. I need to remember that. You’re out of my life and what you do in your own is none of my business. I just need to keep to strict NC and stay off of FB for the next while until I’m stronger. I won’t lie and say I wish good things for you yet, but I can say I don’t wish any bad for you either. I just want to get to the point where I don’t care either way anymore. This is just so hard right now and I wish it was all over and you were nothing more than just a memory of guy I dated for a short time. It just sucks that as soon as you left you’re life seemed to get so much better while mine is still the same but sad.

Well, I blocked you. I don’t know how I gathered the strength to do it but I did. I guess when I thought about it I realized I’d rather know nothing about what was going on in your life then having a tenuous connection and knowing you’ve moved on so quickly and are happy. Why keep allowing myself to be hurt? Besides, I just couldn’t move on or let go while you still had even such a minor presence in my life via social media. It was the right choice and I don’t regret it. The only thing I do regret is not doing it sooner and allowing it to drag out as long as it did. I’ve been miserable and depressed for over a month hoping there was a chance for us when instead I could’ve been working towards healing and moving forward with my life. It’s not in my nature to be as depressive, negative, angry, and bitter as I have been lately. I’m trying to get back to the person I was before you came along. I liked me. Always had a joke to tell, was always laughing about something, and I just felt joy, hope, and excitement for every new day and for my life in general. Right now I just feel...grey, empty, and pointless. Like there’s nothing to look forward to. I’m sick of crying and I’m sick of questioning my self worth because of how easily you walked away. It wasn’t that long of a relationship, and if I’m honest, not that great of one either. You had substance abuse problems, skewed priorities, and seemed incapable of talking openly about anything regarding feelings. Maybe with this new woman you will be different, and it hurts to think she might be good enough for you to do so with, but I can’t focus on that. It is irrelevant to my life now. I have to hope and believe that someday I will meet someone who finds me worthy of fighting and putting in effort for. I have a lot of healing to do, but I’m glad I’ve finally taken the first step onto that road.

I was hurting so bad today that I almost texted you how much I missed you but something stopped me. Then I sign in to FaceBook and see a picture of you with a new woman. Wow, ex, didn’t even take you a month to replace me and now it all makes sense as to why I just up and stopped hearing from you a couple weeks ago. So much for everything you said. It hurts so much right now I can’t even describe it. I knew I should’ve blocked you on social media as soon as I dropped you off at the airport last month. What was I thinking, thinking we could stay friends?? Especially after you told me you loved me for the first time ever before getting on that plane and leaving. You’re a true blue jerk. And I’m a grade A idiot for thinking you actually loved me. I’m so angry and upset and hurt right now. And a lot of that anger is at myself which makes it worse. I knew I should’ve just made a clean break of things and cut all contact as soon as you moved away. But I, we, kept hanging on and I’m so much further behind in my healing than if I would’ve went strict NC. You live thousands of miles away now so why did I even think there could be any chance. Now I just have to have the strength of will to actually block you.

I've been in a deep depression for over a month now. I don't think this is wholly due to you, though. A contributing factor, yes, but not the cause. It just feels like my confidence is gone and that I'm completely worthless. That I'm not good enough for anything. Nothing matters. The things I used to enjoy doing mean nothing. Trying to summon up the energy to hang out with friends is absolutely exhausting. I just want to be alone all the time. I feel nothing. Well, if tired is a feeling then that's all I feel. I have nothing to look forward to. You were an a**hole, but you were a good listener and were patient with me and my emotional ups and downs. Now I don't have anyone to talk to. Why burden anyone else with my whining? I'll fight through this the best I can alone. Wish me luck.

My chest aches today and I've noticed I've been sighing a lot. It seems to help, strangely. I know this is a psychosomatic reaction to emotional pain, but control of my mind and emotions doesn't seem to be my own right now. Sigh. Damn. I can feel a headache coming on too. Work was torture today even if I only went in for a few hours. I kept rehashing everything every few minutes and getting buried under a torrent of sadness, anger, and pain again and again. I actually felt nauseous all day. I blame yoga for strengthening the whole mind/body connection and making emotional pain into damn near debilitating physical pain as well. Just kidding. Hah! I'm going to be fine. If I can still crack jokes-- as weak as they are-- you and your bullsh*t haven't broken me down completely. That would've been my most grieved loss. If you had managed to kill my humour. However, looking into the future, it just seems like I have such a long way to go to stop hurting and get over you. It's like standing at the bottom of a mountain and being told you have to get to the top by only walking on your hands. Backwards. It seems impossible and endless and you don't even want to start because what's the point? On the other hand, you know that once you finally do get there, you'll be happy and all the pain and frustration was worth it. Not to mention you're upper body strength would be phenomenal. Hardy har. I wish there was a way to agree to feel the whole load of pain in one shot and then be done with it. As you're there writhing on the ground you know that it'll be over soon and then you can get on with your life completely washed clean. But, that's now how things work and I'll have to tough this out for however long it takes for my mind and heart to heal from the thrashing it's taken. Sigh.

Let me ask you something: did you write the Cheater's Strategy Guide and Phrase Book? Or do you just take quotes from it and model your behaviour after it's handy "how to be the biggest D-bag you can be" chapter? When I take a step back and think about everything you said to me, all the back pedalling, flimsy but believable excuses, and lies I can't help but chuckle a little at how absolutelt textbook you are. It borders on absurd. The Cheater's Guild should make you the poster boy and ideal for the Classic Cheater model. But, you're not my problem any more, you're your other gf's now (poor girl). She probably has no idea that you were dating me while you were also dating her for the past how many years. Which one of us was the woman on the side? Or were we both playing second fiddle to yet another woman? Or even another? Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. I'm in a maelstrom of confusion and hurt after gaining this new knowledge of the depths of douchebaggery that you can sink to. I was doing pretty good for the past few weeks and I kind've wish I wouldnt've found out about this new bs and just continued on my merry way. But alas, life had another kick to my lady cajones to administer and I'll walk this off too, in time. I really hope Karma puts on her a$$kicking boots and pays you a nice long visit. Perhaps even moves in. But what I think I want more is for me to not care what happens to you either way. That's my goal. I don't want to be hung up on the hurt and the how could he do this merry-go-round. One day at a time.

Hmm, odd. I came to this thread with the intention of posting a pain-filled rant about the trials of broken love and whatnot. But when I saw the cursor flashing, waiting for me to spill my guts all over the screen, I realized that I'm not hurting enough over us being done to make it worth the effort. Very odd indeed, wouldn't you say? A 6 year relationship down the tubes and I can't muster up enough pain to make it worth the effort of getting it out. Maybe I'm just being smug right now? I don't know. I'm sure at some point I will miss you and shed a few lonely tears, but right now,in this moment, I'm just...relieved that I've finally removed your complicating presence from my life. No more lies! Whoopee! And since I will no longer be speaking to you, I figure I should say this here since you won't be hearing it from me anywhere else: GOODBYE.

So it's been a few months now. We still talk daily. Still throw that four lettered 'L' word back and forth like monkeys flinging feces. Pretty sure it's more out of habit than any real meaning behind it now. What we're doing is unhealthy. For both of us. We both agree that we get along better when we're not together. Why is that I wonder? My commitment issues, anxiety, and supposed paranoia? Your compulsive lying, cheating, and general a$$holery? I'm becoming jaded to this whole clusterfuddle of a situation and that is starting to scare me. This situation should NOT have a feeling of normalcy. I never told you this, but I was actually seeing someone for awhile a month or so ago. It didn't work out due to some red flags he was smacking me in the head with and also due to the fact that it felt like a farce while I was still in an "unofficial" whatever the hell this is with you. Not only was I lying to him, lying to you, but also lying to myself. I see what I was doing now. Holding on to you while trying to find something better. Ugh. After that realization I wanted to stick my head in a bucket of acid because I did the exact same thing you did. Are still doing, most likely. I still feel disgusted that I could have sunk to such a level. I honestly realize that continuing to have contact with you is doing nothing but holding me back from living my life fully. I hate this limbo that I'm in. Without you in my life I know that I could finally move my life in a new and different direction instead of falling back into the same mental patterns I've been in for the entirety of our association. The same rut. Now it's just a matter of me balling up and being strong enough to let go of the familiarity that is you. Damn you, great unknown, for being so terrifying! But, I suppose me ending everything on an amiable note would be better than you letting me know that you've decided to choose someone else, because we both know that's the inevitable conclusion of this 5+ year drama. So, I guess I have a hard decision to make. Not so much 'if' as 'when'. I really have to avoid that quicksand of choosing the "right" time, though. There will never be a right time, as these things go. It's just something that had to be done.

Ugh. I get so irritated when people do that. Since when is marriage and children the only thing a woman can aspire to? I look at it this way: the only reason I'm still single and pushing up on 30 is because I haven't found the right man and I refuse to settle just to add to the white picket fence and 2.5 children statistic. Besides, there's so much more to life than just a relationship.

Welp, it's V day, and guess what? I have a date, you're still blocked, and I went to my first counseling session and straightened out a lot of things in my head. I actually cried there too. I guess I just needed someone to give me the permission that I couldn't give myself. And I'm not talking a few tears and a whimper. I'm talking full on body convulsions, snot, and a tsunami of water works. It was cathartic. I haven't really thought about what what you'll you being doing yet today. It doesn't really matter. Either you're stuck working or you'll spend it with her. Neither of which effect my life even slightly. This morning I thought about contacting this other woman and telling her everything on the off chance she was unaware of what had happened behind her back and mine, but I scrapped that idea after about 15 minutes of hard thought. What would be the point? Chances are she wouldn't believe me because you would skillfully lie you're way out of it, or if she did believe me, what then? She'd either leave you and you would retaliate on me or she would make the monumental mistake of forgiving you and begin the same cycle that I just got out of and you'd still seek retribution. Neither scenario results in me feeling better or anything positive for anyone getting accomplished. Unfortunately, she'll just have to find out who you really are on her own. God help her if she's innocent. And if she's not...well, there's a saying about sleeping in the bed you've made and something about just desserts. My therapist has agreed that you have sociopathic tendencies and that at your age you will not change. Especially since your pattern of behavior in relationships over the last decade have been pretty much identical through and through. Either you will do what you did to me and your ex wife to this new girl or you will have it done back to you. Sometimes, at my lowest, I wish it could be me that destroys your ego one day, but then I smarten up and realize that that would just bring me right down to your level. No thank you, I don't like rolling in sewers. I still have a ways to go till I'm free of this but I can feel things changing in me already. I know the anger and hurt will come back again and again for awhile, but they will gradually become nothing more than an echo of what they are now. So, in closing, my life is going to move forward while you stay in the same rut you've been in for years. Happy V day!

I'm going to tentatively say that so far today is going alright. I've had moments of sadness but they've passed relatively quickly. Over the last 3 days I've unblocked you from my phone around 6 times in moments of weakness, stupidly hoping that you might contact me. I guess I was seeking validation of some sort that I wasn't so easily tossed away. However, after thinking about it I reblocked you, realizing that I actually didn't want to hear from you after all. There's nothing for us to say to each other that would in any way be productive. You're betrayal(s) are just too huge to overlook. Thinking about contact from you makes me physically ill. Thus, I've had you blocked for over a solid 12 hours and there's no sign of wavering on that decision. Go me. I see you now. I finally see YOU. Not the facsimile of the man you portrayed, the actual you. And the actual you has come up wanting in all areas of personality, decency, and morality. You may be good looking but you have nothing else to recommend you. You're a cardboard cut out of a human being. One dimensional and somewhat creepy. I never told you that my family always thought there was something a little off about you. My brother and cousins said they thought you were weird and creepy. At the time I just laughed and waved it off thinking that they just didn't know you like I did. Apparently they knew you better than I ever did after just one meeting. In hindsight I should've taken heed of my family's cautious warnings about you. Now I know better. My heart will follow my mind in this eventually.

I'm totally with you and I am so sorry you have to feel all this right now That feeling of realizing you didn't know this person that you loved at all is a horrible experience. Having the wool torn from your eyes like that is so painful on so many levels.

Valentine's day is soon. I bet you'll buy her beautiful flowers and jewelry, take her for an expensive dinner and make sweet sweet love to her. All things you'd never do for me. But I have to wonder still how much you respect and care for her since while you were on your romantic holiday together you were calling and texting me that you missed me, loved me, and were going to be a better boyfriend to me. Where was she when you were doing this? Did that not give you even a slight twinge of conscience that will you're f*cking one gf you're also telling the other how much you loved her? Messed up, dude. I only hope that if she is as oblivious to this as I was that she finds out soon what you have done and drops your a$$ like so much hot garbage just as I have done. But I'm sure you have another woman waiting in the wings somewhere anyway. You are incapable of being alone. God forbid you have any time for introspection or self analysis. However, now that so many things have come to light, I wonder if perhaps she was at your shoulder telling you what to write and say and you were both screwing with me because you thought it was funny to know that I was being duped so fully? If that's the case, then you two definitely deserve each other and I wish you all the rewards that I'm sure you shall receive in your sad, twisted life together. It will end just as it started: in lies, betrayal, and pain. Also, if this is indeed the case, then you need to get lives and perhaps start searching for a way to acquire the decency and souls you are so obviously deficient of. If hurting someone like that and taking enjoyment from it is your idea of a good time together than you are obviously lacking a pretty fundamental something in yourselves and your...relationship. Whatever the case may be, there is something very wrong with you and I hope that one day karma takes a giant bite out of your a$$. Sadly, I will be living my awesome life and will be unable to witness it. People get back from life what they put in and you've hurt many people badly. You're time will come and all I can say is I wouldn't want to be near you when that happens. So neener-neener-neener one day you'll meet someone meaner.

Dammit. It hit me. The enormity of your betrayal. The utter disregard and lack of respect for me. The lack of any feelings whatsoever. I will NOT let how you treated me define how I feel about myself, though. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm worthy. I know I deserve better. I wish I could just cry and have it out of me already. But something always stops me. Maybe some part of me knows that you're not worth the tears. But I'm hurting. I'm afraid of the road ahead. I'm afraid of the pain that I'm going to feel until this is all over. One thing I'm sort of happy to think is that I don't love you anymore. Like I said before, I didn't even know you. I'm sad for the loss of what I thought I had which seems kind've pathetic because none of it was real. I'm sad that there was so much wasted time. My friends were right about you. You're a sociopath. You can approximate the display of emotion but you never actually feel it. Except anger. Oh yes, THAT was real. You're selfish and immature and so full of ego it was embarrassing sometimes. You are an insecure little spoiled boy who has no concept of action and consequence or responsibility. You see something you want, you take it regardless of who it hurts or what the fallout is then blame everyone else. Like when I confronted you about the trip. You tried to turn it around and blame ME. That's what you cheaters do. I am not responsible for your actions and decisions. Grow up. I can't wait till the day I can look back on this and laugh and think to myself what a ridiculous situation this was. Because it really is. I feel better when I can crack a joke about it to my friends because then I can feel the distance between the pain and myself widen. People always wonder how I can make jokes about painful experiences in my life. It's my self defense mechanism. I know that one day, all things that happen to me now will be a memory and I'd rather look back on it with a smile than a tear. I'm going to get through this.