petalbud

hello Foxlocke, i grew up bullied for being overweight and the bullying didnt stop till i was about 13. I was bullied for having trichotillomania( a hair pulling disorder) until about june this year,. so I pretty much learnt not to trust people, and learnt that opening up to people means getting hurt. I also went through agrophobia which im just coming out of, and im slowly learning to cope in social situations. I guess im just trying to tell you here, that i can totally relate to you feeling disconnected from other poeple. personally when i meet poeple, what stands out for me is the "aura" about them, So its not really what you say, its how you say it, your body language, your tone and stance. remember you also project your thoughts to other people so if youre thinking negative about yourself, people pick up on it. You sound like you may benefit from re-assesing your self beliefs.If you dont feel that youre intresting enough or "worthy" enough of good friendships and friends, that in itself could be limiting you. Im not the most confident of poeple, but ive learnt that by acting the part, you start to feel confident in yourself. You said youve met some new people and exchanged numbers. well thats a good start, they wont give you their number if they didn't see you as a potential friend I used to hang around with a group of people that ive grown apart from . Ive developed an intrest in art, architecture, travelling, reading and writing. I have met other people with this intrest through doing volountary work in various groups. my best friend and I clicked instantly because we share the same intrests. maybe try to find a club or group that have the same intrests as you do. Sorry if my writing doesnt make any sense, im really tired, i just came back from work, lol. feel free to PM me anytime. take care Petal XxX

Hell Hope of heart,. sorry you're feeling this way. Firstlly, i haveto ask do you write prose or poetry? You seem to have a way with words. I know what it feels like to be in your shoes,.But by posting on here, it means thata part of you is still trying to reach out to the world for reassurance. I am in councelling for OCD and self harm. Earlier this week, i was really down in the dumps and decided to end it all,. by taking an overdose,. but im still here. A part of me wishes it had all ended,. but another part is happy it didnt. I guess we dont always know why life throws some things at us, but you have to realise that you're here for a reason and nothing is ever a coincidence. Looking back i realise that the hardest and toughest periods of my past are what have shaped me into who i am today and developed my positive qualities. I know its hard. I can totally relate to feeling empty and feeling like death is your only option. Just try to see the bigger picture. things would be okay, Feel free to PM me anytime or email me. take care XxX

please i need some replies to this, I'd like as many opinions as possible! thanks in advance

thanks for your replies guys. I would appreciate other people's opinions as well,. cause im confused as to whether I'm being too sensitive and clingy or she's the one at fault here.Even my other friend who noticed it asked me today if im gonna be "ditched" again. She also doesnt seem to care that the guy she's been seeing for over a month has NEVER said a word to her Best friend. he knows me and recognises me cause me and her are always together. I dunno, i find it kinda rude. A "hello" and a smile wont hurt... or maybe I'm being over sensitive again? I also find it rude when we're on the train and she has her music player on Loud, so i cant even talk to her. I might as well get the train on my own, Its a long 1.5hour journey,. thats why we get the train together. but theres no point when she has her music up loud. I dont want to tell her these things cause i'd feel like im being critical of her, and she definitely wont take it well. I just want to be sure that its not my oversensitivity clouding my perception. Any replies would be appreciated. and thanks Supershane and Anotherthing.

this is a carry on from this post I really need some advice here. Kate n I are best friends. we've been arguing a lot lately. the last argument we had was because she went off with this new Guy from college that she likes,. and I made plans to be with someone else apart from her for Lunch. Thing is our college has a weird policy that students only take subjects within one departement. But Kate and I take subjects from the Art and Design depeartment and the HUmanities,. so we've got a weird time table. Kate N i have 3 or 4 hour breaks sometimes while the others are in lessons, so we spend it together. Well theres this new guy she likes and he likes her. We were on our way to lunch and he ran up to her n said that he wanted to go for a coffee with her. She said " oh me n my friend were going for a coffee too,. would be great if u can join us". SO all three of us went, and he ignored me,. ddint say HI even when i said hi to him. 10 mins later,. i heard him whisper to kate "oh i didnt expect ur friend here,. is she going to be on her own?" so I left them and told them that i had other stuff to do. she came back 3 hours later,. apologising saying she wont let anyone get between us ever again and blah blah. I must admit I was hurt,. and she knew i didnt have anyone else to be with cause everyone else had lessons. well its been that way for some time,. she ditches me n goes for lunch with him. SO ive started to make plans with my other friends who only have lunch the same times as I do on tuesdays and wednesdays,. all other days , i go to the library on my own. so we had an argument in which she said that she feels Im ditching her and Im makingother plans and leaving her out. I said that she always goes to Lunch with this new guy anyway and sumtimes I dont know when she's going until last minute. She got angry and said that I dont value the relationship, that I treat her BAd. I told her it was the other way round. well one of my other friends asked me" doesnt it make u angry when KAte ditches you for him? I mean i dont see the reason why u cant go to lunch with them,. youre not gonna get in the way or anything" ANd this new guy she's seeing has NEVER once said hello to me, and theyve been seeing each other for 1 month now. I feel like im constantly in her shadow and treats me like a safety net. When we're socialising with other ppl, Its usually about HER. i just feel like im being treated bad,. but i also dont want to seem like im getting in the way of both of them being together. she gets jelous when i make plans to be with other ppl,. but she can ditch me in a second to be with someone else and im not meant to be botherd about it. if u read my last post she said she'd be so jelous and cry her eyes out if i get a boyfirend before her. and now she;s so desperate for a bf. However, it hurts cause she knows that i went through a raelly rough period of angrophibia and depression and im only just getting out of it,. and im only just starting to be able to socialise with people,. and she has to comepete with me for that! i really dont know what to do, can u please give ur honest opinions. sorry bout the long post. thanks

Okay,. me and *kate,.have been firends for about a year,. best friends for about 6 months. i was badly bullied at school and went thru a periond of suicide and depression and she's helped me through a lot and been there for me.. Ive left school now,. Im now in college. . Kate has been in on/off relationships since her break up her ex bf of 2 years. The thing is Kate is very pretty and isnt short of admirers. I dont see myself as being so good looking mainly because of my hair. I have to have my hair very short because I pull it out and i have patches in it. I am very particular about my appearance and i try to make the best of myself because i feel my hair is a big enough burden on me. SOmetimes i get jelous of her,. but most times, i'm okay. I tell myself that I'll start to attearct people once i start to feel good about myself and regain my confidence. Our college has good race mix which kate n I like because we like mixing in with people from differnt backgrounds. However, the first thing kate said when we started college was "I dont like it here,. the guys dont seem to like me,. they like you instead". I remember another day when A guy came up to me to say hello and ask me out for Lunch, when i came back, Kate said, " you're taking my role, Im the one who usually gets guys not you" Lately,. KAte has been feeling really down,. saying she's lonely and ugly and no one would ever like her. Even though she has about 4 guys at college who really like her. She is really reallyl pretty, and doesnt see it. Sometimes i have guys come up to ME to ask for HER name and ask bout her. But she;s still so convinced she isnt prety. whenever i talk about my other friends that she hasnt met,.the first thing she says is " AM i prettier than her?" " is she cool?". I keep tellign her that theres no need to compare. Ive only had 2 boyfriends. she's had a lot more than I have. So today I bumped into an old friend from school who i havnt been in touch with since we left school. we spoke for a while and he hinted that he liked me more than just friends at school and wanted to keep in touch. KAte later said to me, " I''d be so jelous of you and him get together,. I'd actually cry that you've got a bf before I have". i dont know what to do about her competitiveness especially when it comes to appearance and Boys. I love her to bits as a friend. i just dont like this competitive streak in her that has come out more lately. pls help

thing Is I am ready to explore a new environment,. and things usually go wel until my insecurities kick in and I feel like i cant face the world,.and I start too feel that people would leave me anyway so I tend to back off... just a vicious cycle really,.. I feel trapped in it

Hi,.all if you've read my previous posts you'd see that ive been In and out of a depression. Well,. Ive been studying psychology at college,. and ive been wondering maybe I have an attachment problem. I dont remember my childhood as being particularly happy,. i was the fat girl in the corner of the classroom who pulled out her hair,.had bald patches and didnt have any friends and felt different from everyone. Im still that girl except from that ive lost all the wieght. I stil feel differnt from everyone,. I still feel alien, I still pull out my hair, and I find it particularly dificult in trusting or "connecting" with anyone because I fear that they are going to go away and our friendship would die out. I get scared that people would get to know me and I would get to trust them, then they'd just go away and abandon me. i dont feel too comfotable in social situations involve large groups,. i tend to stick to one or two people in the group. i feel drained if I have to be around too many people,. I moved countries about 3 years ago in which i had to leave all my friends and family behind. it hurt me because i realised how dependent i was on them and I didnt even know who I was. I kinda promised myself no to get too close to anyone again cause I felt so hurt and lonely and alone without my friends. And i was angry at my parents for making us move. Me and my best friend have been having a lot of arguments lately,. and we talked the other day, in which i told her everything, I just felt like I was becoming too dependent on her, and too "close" which scared me cause I've started geting scared that she' would meet other more sociable intresting people and ditch me. I dont know whats wrong with me,. I just dont feel like i fit in with anyone, I have got very few friends,. and im too sensitive and everything gets to me. Could this be an attachment problem? Or am I just clingy?

My parents are extremly religious. they wont face up the that fact that I have an OCD and need councelling/ thereapy to help. Ive been pulling my hair out since I was bout 5. Ive been bullied because of the patches in my hair. Im battling with a depression,. Most of the time im down in the dumps,.. i hate who I am, I hate being alive,. I just dont want to be here.Im not just attentiion seeking so that people would tell me how much theyd miss me when I go. I ACTUALLY dont want to be here. Anyone who knew me would get on with their lives anyway. I was so down that I stupiedly went to TRY to talk to my mom. We havnt had a proper conversation in years. Our conversations are usualyl one-sided. she always has some "constructive critisism" to give me which usually leaves me feeling worthless than a pile of dog pooh. well before I could finish a sentence,. she goes off with the whole religious thing,. "Ask the holy spirit to help you"> "you should pray to God,. only God can help you". they're too blinded by their so called religion to realise that every time she puts me down and calls me names,. and tells me Im fat and Ugly,. shes not exactly being "christian",. And when my dad stumbles in from work stinkign of alchohol,. he;s not being christian either. When my Dad has had girlfriends in the past,. i wonder what the Bible would have to say about that. my last suicidal attempt landed me in hospital. When I got home, They gave me a religious seminar in the living room,. explaining how suicide is a sin! only if they knew how Anti-christian I am! they we'rent even botherd WHY i wanted to die. I still do,. I dont want to be here,. feel like a mistake. Im just so ticked off with everything,.. i really want to go!

im not sure about anti-depressants,. besides,. im with a councellor not a psychiatrist,. so it would be tough getting them. My parents dont know Im in councelling because they dont agree with it. So im in this on my own. I dont know what to do or where to start from,. I just feel lke im stuk in this repetitive cycle. I feel trapped.

no

i dnt knw,. ive been seing this councellor for 6 months now,. and i said said in the title,. I feel like im in a repetitive cycle.

When u say "this"-- are u referring to my depression or the smoking?? im seeing a councellor,. so i dnt think i need to see a doctor.

Hi all,. its me again. feeling really really Down and badly Hungover. I went out drinking last night, . just to get things off my mind. Stumbled Home in the dark,. had to pretend to be sober to my parents,. (NOT EASY). so went to my room, so that they didnt realise how drunk I was. My hair pulling has taken another turn,. Just when i thought I was learning to control my urges and getting better,. I have been pulling a lot lately,. and I have made another patch in my hair Thing is,. no one around me is honest enough to tel me,. they try to make me feel better by ignoring it. id rather have a family member or a close friend tell me,.than a stranger stare at me on the train because of how bad my hair looks. I feel so ugly,. so goddam ugly. I cant stand looking in the mirror,. I just want to smash it. Im starting to get to a point now,. where i just cant see the point of struggling anymore,. cant see the point of fighting for my sanity,.i feel like im drowning in all this,. and theres no point trying to swim to the surface. Im not blaming anyone for my misfortuned existence,. I blame MYSELF most of the timem. i feel like im such a bad person,. i dont deserve friends,. or to be happy. I dont remember the last time I was really myself,. apart from when i was drunk. i hate smoking,. I know it kills But I do it anyway. i had nearly a whole pack of 10 last night. At college yesterday,. I locked myself in the toilets for a whole hour,. because i didnt want to see anyone,. and I didnt want to be seen, Ive been feeling extremely anti-social lately,. I dont want any form of Human contact. I blend in better with the mute walls. I dont know where Im headed or the reason for my existence. i dont know what to do with my life. I feel so ugly useless and unwanted. I wish I didnt wake up this morning,. i was happier being drunk. guess im just telling you guys how I feel.

Thanks for your reply to my post,. I appreciate it. Guess self-accetance is a journey that i have to take. but it hasnt been easy so far. I still get ups n downs,. sorry I cant reply much now,. Feel free to Pm me whenever u fel like. Im always up for a chat Take care x Petal