Well after finding this site today and trolling it some I decided maybe I might post here with my issue, so here it goes:
4 years...4 years of my life with her. 4 years and our daughter later, the relationship ends. That was almost a year ago. I know alot, ok most of the problem was me. I still had alot of growing up to do, and wasn't able to do that until I got alone... We still speak on a regular basis since we have our daughter and for that I am greatful, to lose her was one thing, to lose my daughter would destroy me. Let me put this in another light. Before this woman I had never been alone. I was always with someone. So in that I think the last year on my own has been good for my mind, but its not what I want. I gave up far too fast, had I been willing to allow it, these changes would have happened with her. I still love her very much so, that has never stopped, not even as I was walking away. I remember when the decision was made, she asked me if I was sure of this, she didn't want it to be one-sided, I knew it was what she wanted at that moment, so I swallowed my feelings deep down and said yes. I knew I was lying. I think she knew too. I ended up moving out of our place, at that time with nowhere to go. Actually didn't have a place for a while after that, I didn't let her know exactly how long though. I wanted her to not worry about me. She had alot to worry about of her own now.
I did a few stupid things over the course of the first few weeks, biggest one being while we were talking one day; Somehow we got into a discussion about "other people" (mind you I am bit jealous and paranoid by nature...less so now that I can admit it) and I was still hurt by everything so I made up a story about being with someone else... I didn't want to hurt her, I wanted to hurt myself... I wasn't with her, but I was wanting her back so badly, that I felt I had to do something to stop it...so I made up this story. To a point it had the right effect, I think at that moment she decided that we couldn't be again. I later told her the truth about this, though I guess the truth can be too late sometimes.
I'm getting ahead of myself I think. A week prior to the separation I asked her to marry me. She took it as me trying to "fix" the relationship. It wasn't to me though. I wanted to marry her, I should have married her long before this...maybe I wouldn't be writing this now. I know she wanted this, I was just always so scared of it...We had been very distant though the few months prior due to some heavy overtime I had been putting in at work(literally would be at work 5-6 days straight). I know that alone put a heavy stress on the relationship. She had said yes to my proposal the night I made it,but took it back the next evening...even now that wound still hurts, though I understand her reasons.
For a while after the breakup, I tried to forget it, forget her, write her off...I still had my daughter and that was gonna be all that mattered to me in life anymore. side note..that was also a big issue in the relationship. NOT THAT MY DAUGHTER WAS THE ISSUE! but that after my daughter was born, she became my life, if it didn't involve her, I didn't see it anymore. we never did anything without her because I wouldn't have it. That was a big error on my part, and I admit that now. We still should have made time for us. She tried.
I made an attempt at reconciliation 3 or 4 months after the initial breakup, but the point she was at, there was no chance. I think the words "i love you" were more than she could even stand to hear out of anyone... I know how that feels. I remember pouring my heart into the longest letter I had ever written in my entire life, but she's right about one thing; words are just that - words. Problem is thats where I've always been able to express the things I could never say verbally (though you probaly can't tell by my writing this...its all so incoherent right now....i can't seem to stop the emotions from taking over)
So after she turned me away, I tried my hardest to stay away from it...I even tried to kill it... but I can't. I started writing "letters to her" that I would never give to her...then finally recently i just broke down...and had to let her know how I was feeling...so I left two of the more recent letters with her one morning while picking up my daughter. Since then I have continued writing, but not like before...I had swore she would never read those...but I just had to say or do something...I don't even know that she read them...
I just don't know what to do...this is tearing me up. I miss her and I still want her to be in my life...I want my life with her...but I don't know where to go or what to do from here
