fIIsion

I didn't find out till later today and forgot to include, my sister had talked with her some months ago and they were both talking about my ex. My sister for some reason had felt that I was always paying for things when I was with my ex and that i was being taken for a ride. R's response was defensive. I have never compained to R or felt that I needed to complain as, I have already stated that we both share the bills equally.

Have been seeing someone now for about 5months, I'll call her R. Generally the relationship has been great, we enjoy each other's company, have done many things together and have started to develop feelings for one another. Two days ago, I had become overdrawn on my bank account and had no money until the following day. I felt a little awkard as we were going out that day but could not contribute towards a meal etc. This should of not have been a problem as we both equally pay our share of the bills, yet I would not simply expect her to pay. What happened next was totally unexpected, she basically implied that I was lying and in fact was using this as an excuse becasue she felt for some reason I had become resentfull of me paying most of the time. This then went on to accusing me of being money orientated and a bit tight-fisted. When everything came out in the wash, she then went on to explain that in fact all of this has stemed from issues with her Father during childhood. Yet she still felt this way about me and even though this caused me hurt, her response was basically to "lump it" We did not speak for two days, then when she finally called back ( I thought she might apologise) she talked as if nothing had happened. When I brought back up the issue as being unresolved, she became very defensive, would not listen to a word I had to say, talked over me, and the very last three things were to "GET OVER IT" , swore at me " and then slammed the phone down. My immediate thought is to call this is a day, but perhaps there might be a way to talk this through with her without her getting defensive. R is 31, quite independent and I have now become aware that few of her long-term (6 months for her) relationships survive.

Hi, have not posted on here for some time concerning myself, mainly looking at other threads and offering advice now and again, but something has come up in my life at the moment and need some advice. To make a long story short my ex broke up with me nearly 1 1/2 years ago after a 6 year relationship, she was no longer in love with me, can't say its been easy, been moving on in sorts but generaly getting on with my life. Met someone new about 4 months ago. At first it was great, almost falling in love again, accepting a new path that life has dealt me. Things have been rocky lately, don't know where to start, been missing my exe, the new relationship is very different, we don't seem to able to understand one another, emotionally we seem to be at very diffferent levels, me looking for a rock, she seems so cold, independent, like she doesn't really care one way or another that we are together. She even told me after the first 2 months that she doesn't see a future with me, yet when I conforted her about this, she said that she wanted to get a reaction out of me. Things came to a head tonight when I tried explaining to her how I felt, the issues that I'm trying to deal with from my past relationship, mainly about trust, getting close to someone again, I wanted to be honest with her. she basically told me that she wasn't intrested in hearing about this stuff and didn't want to talk about it. I do like her and can separate between her and my ex, but wanted to be upfront about things I'm still going through. I just feel that If i can't talk to her then this relationship is going nowhere and feel broken hearted all over again.

Sorry but I would have no respect for an ex that was dating a best mate of mine so soon after the breakup, it shows a lack of respect on her part, and as for your mate.........well, not much of a friend.

Firstly my sincere condolence with regards to your mother passing away, this must be a very hard time for you, made even worse by your recent breakup. From reading your post I sense that you have put much of the blame of your breakup, on yourself, your emotional state putting a strain on your relationship. Your mother just passed away, of course your going to be an emotional wreck and be depressed, a time when you would expect the support of your friends/family and particulary loved ones. As cliche as this sounds, your ex is young, starting to want to try different things, hence looking at other guys and has probably questioned her feelings for you for a while. She doesn't want to get tied down at an age where she wants to spread her wings. Best advice at this stage is to go NC, give yourself time to heal not only from your breakup but the passing of your mother as well. Best to steer clear of mutual friends for a while as well, no good hearing about whom she's seeing, etc. Sorry that you are going through this, friends(your friends) and family are your best allies.

Hi jaime Read your post and can identify with the pain that you are going through at the moment. My last relationship was also over six years and although my ex did not mention seeing anyone else straight away, very soon after she started to talk about the possibilty of meeting someone new. I never found out if she did or not and to be honest it didn't matter because the important thing was she didn't want to be with me anymore. That was now over a year ago, the worse mistake I made was staying friends for the first 10 months or so, it caused me nothing but disappointment, frustration and more pain. To put the icing on the cake, when she finally had moved on, the so called friendship had fizzled out, with me making all the effort in staying in contact. Since I've gone complete N/C it has been easier. I won't sugar coat things for you, its going to get a lot worse before you start to feel better, but the best advice I can give you is to face the pain head on, talk about it with your friends and family, they will be your best support structure, come to this website, people on here are so generous and helpful. I don't think friendship with this man is going to be helpful to you, its more for him to ease his guilt, don't make things easy for him. Take care x

Everyone on this thread has given such great advice, its really difficult to think of something else to add. Like yourself I deeply loved my ex and believed that she was the one meant for me, I found it very difficult at first to accept the relationship was over and was in denial for many months. I think the hardest part of a breakup is the acceptance but also it is the key to moving on. Meeting other people is great, but perhaps its not the right time for dating, with the feelings that you still have for your ex, no one is going to compare to her and this will only add to your frustration. Do not think about doing things just to simply get over your ex, this is nothing more than just suppressing your emotions, you should think about doing things for your own fullfilment. Other than N/C the only other advice I can give you is just to take small steps, take each day one at a time, its a long hard road and there will be setbacks, but at the end you will be a much stronger person.

Hi, firstly I hope you are keeping well, I can totally relate to the pain you are going through at the moment, reading your posts, I can see that you are trying to keep level headed. I went through something similar nearly a year ago, when my ex of six years ended our relationship. She pretty much told me that her feelings had changed and she was no longer in love with me, she had been feeling this way for a while, although not very specific with timelines. She did say that pretty much for the last two years her feelings had been changing, whether there is any truth in that, i couldn't say, she was telling me how much she loved me upto a few months before we split. I have been and still have, periods of anger, I think to myself, why didn't she speak to me earlier, why did she lie to me?, why didn't she fight for our relationship? So many questions, so few answers, many different views and reasons from friends and family. It became pointless trying to speak to her, she would either clam up and not talk or just spouted any old rubbish just to palm me off. Its very difficult to give direct advice in your situation as I don't know your girlfriend (ex), but I wanted to tell you that if you wanted someone to talk to, please feel free to pm me. All the best.

pilotlab, I feel a profound sense of sadness from reading your posts, I can totally relate to your pain, anger and general emotional wellbeing. I think the hardest part of dealing with this, is the knowledge that at one time your ex led you to believe that you were the love of her life and now it seems it was all a lie. Her indifference is painfull and very confusing, how can she just move on like if nothing ever happened. I wish i had the answers, as I have been through this, still am to some degree. From my own experience, things may not be as they seem, she is acting cold and indifferent, seems to be happy and moving on, but inside is probably in great turmoil and acting the way she is as a defence mechanism. To be truthful to you, what she is thinking is of no relevance to you anymore, she has quite bluntly told you that she no longer feels the same way anymore and quite frankly doesn't want to entertain the idea of getting back together. My best advice to you is not to be around this person anymore, at the very least limit your contact, if you don't mind me asking, why do you both drive to work together? For me, I have realised the only way I can move on is just to make a clean break of things, being around my ex just causes pain and frustration, I don't want to even comtemplate the thought of her with anyone else, let alone have to hear it from her first hand, it serves no purpose to be their emotional crutch.

Thanks for your reply, as far as I know there was no other guy involved, and still isn't. I don't think it was about meeting someone else, although that will happen in time, more about changing the direction of her life.............long story but suffice to say she wasn't happy with the way things were going.

Thanks for the reply, sorry to hear that you are going through the same sort of thing. I think what upsets me most is the feeling of being used, which is probably not true but as you said, my mindset is still in relationship mode.

I thought so, I got the same line from my ex, " i love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" I doubt this was something said on a whim, but was something on her mind for a while. In my case my ex was just hoping that her feelings would return, thats why she didn't say anything to me, could be the same for you, or perhaps she just didn't know how to tell you, hence the letter. Really feel for you, as I felt really let down, have trust issues of my own right now. I totally trusted my ex, totally believed she loved me so much, truth is she probably did once. Why did her feelings change?, something that has wrapped my mind up for the last 9 months. I have thought of many reasons, but the truth may just be that, her feelings changed, don't know if this is true for your ex, but sometimes there are no reasons, it can give you so much headache looking for answers. Right now, as hard as it is, don't start down the path thinking that maybe her feelings will return, I did this but all it has caused me is more heartache.

Know exactly how you feel becasue I have been in this situation and to some degree still am. Firstly what you have got to realise is that she ended the relationship, you may have taken her for granted, I think we all do in long-term relationships, but I'm sure she also took you for granted as well. It takes two to make a relationship work, seems like you want to make this work but she doesn't. Hard as this sounds,she doesn't want to be with you anymore, you shouldn't have to change as a person for her to want to still be with you, if there were things that bothered her about you, then, if she wanted to still be with you, these things would of been discussed. Why would a person invest so much time in a relationship, to want to end it without fighting for it, many reasons, people change, hearts change, grow apart, perception of love, relationships, want something new..........the list goes on. Did she tell you a reason?, did she fall out of love? ( hate this one) Understand your anger, as I'm still feeling it 9 months on, believe me it helps. I don't take it out on her, but feeling it none the less helps me to look back at the relationship in a different light, see that things were not that perfect..........perhaps in time I will see it as a blessing. Anything that she says, you can just treat with a pinch of salt, as the old saying goes " actions speak louder than words ", don't let her string you along with vague words. Best thing you can do is tell yourself its over, whether you get back together or not, nobody can tell you, but you can waste a whole hell of time thinking there might be a chance if you do this or that........forget it, try to focus on yourself and let her worry about that, remember she broke it off.

Been a while since I lasted posted on this forum. In a sense I have been moving on in my life, concentrating on work, spending more time with friends and family. I have little contact with the ex, now and again we meet up or just talk on the phone, although for the past 4 months, its seems I have been making more effort in making contact. Most people, including on this forum have advised me not to stay friends with her and I sometimes wish that maybe I should of been strong enough to do that from the beginning. I'm starting to find our so called friendship empty, she just about manages a text message from time to time, mainly in response to me, has cancelled numerous evenings out. Last time we met up, she even told me that night , she would have cancelled again but did not want to hurt my feelings, as it turned out, the evening was a flop anyway as she made no effort at all in trying to enjoy herself, just complained of being tired from her new job, talked about herself, then wanted to go home after an hour. I'm starting to feel real anger and I don't know if its right to feel this way, I mean we cant help the way we feel and we shouldn't stay with someone out of pity or comfort, but what really gets me upset is that for a long time she wanted to end the relationship, but did not have the guts to come out and say what she felt. It feels like she was deciving me for a long time, trending water, and if it wasn't for the fact that I asked her one day if she still loved me, then who knows how long the facade would have carried on for. Like a fool, I hoped that perhaps It was just something she was going through, maybe with time and patience we might re-connect. But I now realise that getting back together is something that is the last thing on her mind, her indifference is painful and very confusing. 2006, I have made a committment to myself not to contact her anymore, it feels sad that things have to be this way, we shared so many things in our 6 years together, I was prepared to go the full distance, marriage, kids, growing old, but it feels that she just wanted something out of the relationship to get her through a phase in her life, she has a new job, new figure and plenty of confidence, my usefullness has come to an end. With hindsight, staying friends has been a bad choice, I'm not over her emotionally and friendship does not seem genuine. What I'm worried about is that I don't know If I could ever trust anyone ever again, I invested so much into the relationship and for a long while she led me to believe that she loved me so much, wanted all the same things. Do I have a right to feel angry?

What you need to understand is, this not the same person anymore, not the person you fell in love with. something has changed within your relationship for her to break-up with you. You are not ignoring her birthday, more like making a statement, that you are showing an understanding of her feelings, that you are leaving her alone to get on with her own life...........a life without you, remember this is what she wants ( or thinks she wants). I read somewhere that you can't do anything wrong by " doing nothing" Remember you don't owe her anything anymore.