casey_baby

he has seriously considered leaving, and we have discussed it. he has told me that he wants to leave, and all of his friends and colleagues know that as well... this is the reason I am posting here: I want him to make a decision, what can I do to help him make the right one?

muneca: I would never wish that someone died, I would never even wish anybody to be in my situation. I have actually met his wife (I was a music major for my undergraduate studies and Toby took her to a couple of my concerts: she was clueless about our relationship) and she seemed to be an intelligent and confident woman who just made one serious mistake in her past. I think that she knows Toby has someone else and has suggested divorce before, I have even heard her threaten with it on the phone while Toby and I were together. lovelynns, you are right, I could come up with countless excuses... of course I feel guilty, I am technically "the other woman" after all. he too wants to leave, but cannot afford the legal fees and financial consequences, he is also afraid that because his wife does not earn much money here she will take the children to her family in Mexico. things will be very different when the day comes when I can afford to support him.

lovelynns, it hurts when you say that. I get scared when I don't hear from him because he commutes on a motocycle, and I know I will be the last one to learn if he is in an accident and anything bad ever happens to him... I am sure you would feel the same way when it comes down to your partner's well-being. I have gone to counseling at my school, both to a psychologist and a psychiatrist (I am currently taking SSRIs), but I feel that I am being judged by these married women. as to breaking up his marriage--he says that there is virtually no marriage relationship between the two of them... I don't think he ever spends any time with his children as is because the two of us are always together; anyway, he's been reluctant to discuss this subject with me. sometimes I yearn to leave him, but I feel that I will spend the rest of my life wishing that he was by my side...

thank you for your advice, Annie. I never thought I would find myself in this situation... I cry myself to sleep every night because I cannot be with him, and at the same time I am scared of what will happen if he does live his wife. it seems that i am lying to myself, that I am forcing myself to believe that things will be just fine... that my parents (and his) will accept our relationship and be happy for our bliss, that his wife will keep out of our life, that despite child support payments we can start a family together, that he will get a vasectomy reversal so I can have his children... sometimes I wish I could move to a different city and forget everything about him (I am not proud of the past three years), but if one day goes by without me hearing from him, I cannot function at all...

I have tried to leave him, I have even tried to start other relationships, but I would much rather spend my time with him... I feel that the relationship that he and I have is of above average quality because we are ecstatic together, we have never had a fight about anything, and we truly bring out the best in each other... my girlfriends have actually told me that they wish they could meet someone that great (and yes, they know about his living arrangement). I never sought to be involved with a married man, but it just happened so that Toby is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. yes--he won't leave without a reason: I have been wanting to call his wife and tell her everything, and hopefully she will ask him to leave... but I am fearful that he might end up resenting me if I do this.

he is not that way, Nifty_Swifty... his wife is the one who cheated on him initially: before then he was totally committed to her, but after she gave birth to someone else's child (whom he has accepted as his own) he could never ever have feelings for her again. he said that he tried to cheat on her for revenge bt he couldn't even get an erection with another girl initially because he used to care for his wife so much... his marriage is a torture, and I know that he will be fine financially with my help (I am graduating with a Master's in Bioengineering next year)... you don't understand, we are perfect for each other, and he even said that he would never cheat on me if I was his wife.

I met my married man, Toby, more than three years ago at my job (I am a co*ktail waitress), and we immediately hit it off. very soon after we met, we went on a weekend trip to Utah where we climbed mountains, dived together and had a blast... I found it strange that his phone kept ringing and he would not pick up, but when I confronted him about he said it was work... he works close to where I live and he would come over to my apartment on his 3-hour long lunch breaks, and we would have a great time together... one night when I called his cell phone, a woman picked up and I asked to speak to Toby, she said "why do you want to speak to Toby? this is his wife." I did not know what to say and I hung up... 10 min later Toby called and said this was his roommate who he did not get along with... he said they used to date and she told all his girlfriends that she was his wife because she was jealous. later that night we met at a coffee shop and he confessed to me that he was married with two young children (7 & 12), but their relationship had been horrible for several years. they got married when they were 20 because she got pregnant, and 7 years ago after giving birth to a second child, she confessed that he (ironically named Tobias) was another man's baby... Toby said they are only together because he could not afford to divorce her... from what I know, his parents hate her (she is Mexican), and she treats him horribly. anyway, I learned about his marriage 3 years ago, and Toby and I are still having sex on a regular basis, going out at night, he even spends the night often: I do not know how he gets away with it. our relationship is great, I feel that he is "the one it seems that we can read each other's thoughts, that we are meant to be together. when I am with him, I feel like there is nothing more I could ask for. however, I don't know how much longer I can live like this, I don't know if I can listen to him tell his wife "I love you" on the phone one more time while we are naked together, I don't know if I can take one more cancelled date because of family concerns. I have asked him to divorce his wife if he wants our relationship to work--we both love each other and share a lot of precious memories together. he says that he would like to, but he is waiting to secure a promotion at his job. he says he doesn't love his wife, and I believe him because he spends more time with me than he does with his wife, we go together to dinners, concerts, and vacations... we even spend last Christmas together, and I know many of his friends and vice versa. how can I make him leave? I cannot live without him, but I do not want to share him with someone else anymore...