FarandAway

The sex is amazing when we do have it. I feel that he is "there" with me. I feel like he is really showing his love. I guess that makes it even worse! If he wasn't there mentally then I would prob just get out of the relationship. I do worry about straying one day. Ill just get so fed up that Ill take the first temptation I see... that would make me a crappy person. The bottom line is that I feel like I have had a cruel joke thrown on me. I have a month and a half to make the decision as whether I move in with him or not.

Im not sure how to "make someone want sex"... It appears to me that he just isn't that into sex in general. I personally have never met a man like this. So this is all new territory to me. a few weeks back when we were travelling, we went out and I let him know I wasn't wearing any underwear under my skirt. I showed him and he said "NICE!"... but nothing that night. I don't know how to make someone be into something that is just NOT in their nature to do... And waiting for my sex drive to diminish is pretty sad isn't it. If I walk away.. I will walk away from someone I deeply love.

This is an update to the thread "learning to accept the lack of sex" Last night he was reading and I was feeling that I wanted to be close to him. So I grabbed him around his belly area.. then out of the blue he says "Im so fat and I can't stop eating!".... I am thinking ... W*T*? So I said "where in the flying hell did that come from?" and he said... "I don't know"... So.. I stopped, rolled over and grabbed my book. I figured that was a "not now honey". By the way he is NOT fat at all.. he is very slender. A few min goes by and I tell him that I am feeling really bad about the lack of sex in our relationship. He seems exasperated and tells me that this must really be a problem in our relationship because I keep bringing it up. I said "um ya think?"... So I just down right asked him everything I could think of... are you attracted to me? He says Yes... I said "do you have some ideas about sex that maybe its a dirty thing".. he said "no".. I said.. do you have any religoius beliefs that would affect it. He says "no"... Then I said.. Do you think that I think you are attractive? He says with a pause.. "I don't know"... I was so stunned! I said "my god.. you are the sexiest man in the world to me"... I told him that he really turns me on and that his entire body is beautiful in every way. He seemed to like that I said those things.. Then I said "remember that time you took me upstairs and threw me down on the bed?"... I told him I would love that more. He said "I guess I am not spontanteous in that area" then he preceeded to say "in my past relationships, the girl was the one to jump on me" and then he used an analogy. He said "I am like a Deisel car. I don't start to well but once I ge going, Im good" I just about fell out of the bed. I felt so devastated. OBVIOUSLY we are not compatable in this area. Then he turned off the light, rolled over, hugged me and fell asleep in my arms. Ok, sounds real nice but I was feeling pretty bad. I went downstairs and walked around for a while in the dark and thought, is this something I can live with? We are good in every area but what do I do now? This is really a tough one for me guys. I mean, maybe in 8 or 10 years, none of this sex stuff will matter because by then Ill be going through menopause and won't he be the lucky guy to not have to worry about this anymore. so for the person in thread that said I was dealing with an unsexual person. Well, sorry.. I think I am. I have a month and a half to give my notice to my apartment complex. Lease will be up. Question is.... do I stay with him and give up sex in my sexual peak with a man that is good in every other way or do I find someone else (if I do) and who knows what problems he will have right? This is nobody's fault... there isn't a pill out there that can fix this. THIS IS HOW IT IS. I feel horrible

Yeah but to me its all talk at this point... he knows i am open to anything.. All bark and no bite... Besides, if he is still afraid to initiate something and he asking me to move in... that's a problem.

for all the responses. I read them twice. Such great advice and its good to know that others are going through the same thing. To answer some of the questions... he does know i am attracted to him. I let him know all the time. One time I did initiate a while back and I could tell he wasn't into it. So I stopped and that was it. I was pretty hurt so I am a little gun shy to initiate now. And while it is a misconception that men should always initiate.. I don't think he is pulling his weight at all in this category. Part of me wants to experiment and see just how long we can go without sex. If it turns into a "no sex" or very long time... then I know what I have to look forward to. Someone said "no sex=no relationship"... I could say this but then what a btch I would feel.. on the other hand... this whole thing could really become a huge problem unless I figure out some other way to satisfy myself. But this isn't about the sex.. or orgasm.. its about being close to someone I love. I am sorry that I see him as an unsexual being and while yes, I do realize that the sexual relationship prior isn't reality but it sure is fresh in my mind to compare to this relationship. I don't need to have my clothes ripped off to feel like a woman... I just want the man I love to take some notice of me.. the woman *he* loves. Thanks all for listening.. I am sure that I will be posting in the very near future.

Hi all, I am moving in with my boyfriend at the end of March. We met in August and things moved pretty fast. He however, asked me to move in a couple of months ago. I pretty much have been living with him for the past few months and we have been doing very well in that area. I feel confident about this but at the same time, I have alot of issues (which he has been very patient about) from my last relationship. This is a big step for me as I was married to a serial cheater for 8 years. This is my first "real" relationship since my divorce so I am a bit freaked. However, I have been working very hard on my issues and try to remember that 90 percent of the stuff that comes up is about me.. and NOT him. One thing that has been an on going problem is the frequency of sex. I have come to the realization that he is just NOT a sexual being. Yeah yeah.. I know.. you are saying but.. he is a man! I am telling you, he is unlike any man I have known. I think he has initiated sex about the 4 times since we have been together. One time he brought me upstairs and pushed me on the bed! More please! I had a talk with him a few months ago because we hadn't had sex in 10 days (this is odd to me at the beginning of a relationship) and I was getting concerned. He had told me that it isn't "all about him" and that I should initiate as well. So I layed it on the line. I said "look, I am a 36 year old woman and my hormones are out of control, coupled with the fact that I am highly attracted to you so the chances of you ever getting rejected is about 1 in 10. I told him I wanted more sex. Period. Our sex life seemed to improve a bit but now its back to the same. We returned from a trip out of the country on the 1st. We had sex on the 3rd and nothing since. I know we have been jet lagged.. then I got my period so its been no bueno. I craved so much closeness to him the other morning that *I* gave him a BJ. Nothing for me because I was on my period. Yippee Yay. He got up.. took a shower. I did my self a few favors . I told him that every person I had ever been with, we had sex during my period and that I didn't really mind it (although I am not crazy abot it). He said, "ok, well, you just have to let me know these things"... but then nothing happened that night.. or last night. UGH! The other day I suggested we get a T.V. in the bedroom and jokingly remarked we could watch porno's and he said he would rather make his own! Im thinking... why don't WE DO THAT?!?! I am just going to have accept that this is how he is. He just isn't a sexual person nor is he an initiator of it. I would think he would want it more but I am just projecting my own feelings on to him. Sometimes my ego gets bruised and I think, maybe I am not that attractive to him? I know.. I know. I guess it doesn't help that prior to this relationship, I had an out of this world sexual relationship for a year. I do find myself missing that when I am feeling bruised or needy. I love him alot and this is huge for me considering my recovery from my marriage. Sure, I could dump him and find some guy that wants to have sex more but then what issues will *he* have? Heck, my husband and I had a great sex life up until the end but hindsight tells me that's because he always had a few girlfriends on the side to spice it up. So this is me learning to accept him for who he is... I know things won't change. I guess my only worries are that at some point down the line, it might strain the relationship..especially if other big problems come up. We are affectionate and love to be together... I just want more sex because once every 10 days or whatever isn't enough for me. Any thoughts appreciated.

everyone for your posts. We talked about it again last night and I told him that it was just a horrible jolt to my system. He said he felt bad because he wished he had just removed them but that he totally forgot about them. He said he never even dated anyone from a dating site. I do believe him. The thing is, I am wearing the poor guy out. I have had "freak out" moments where I just start wanting to run away. This is my first serious relationship since divorcing my husband back in 2004. He has to always reassure me and so forth. I know there is only so much understanding one can have and now I am afraid of chasing him off due to my issues. I am sure I will get over this but it will take me a few days. My body has reacted in such a way that I have no appetite and stomach issues:sad: . This was the same thing that happened when I found out about my ex-husband's "other" life. I love this man and I know he is the best thing that has happened to me. I really didn't think I would ever meet anyone again much less I really didn't want to... As for the dating sites... I told him it would be a nice gesture if at some point he could delete his profiles. I don't know if they delete you after inactivity. I am not familiar with them myself but at this point, I will believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt. However, for me... I will always keep my eyes WIDE open and never give 100 percent of myself to anyone. I just couldn't afford to be ruined again the way I have...

I have been with my boyfriend since last summer. Things have moved fast from the start but that is because we clicked so well. He even took me back to his home country over the holidays to meet the parents and all his friends. I pretty much live with him (still keeping my apartment) and he has asked me to officially move in with him when my lease is up (in 3 months). Now, this is scary stuff for me since I am a divorced woman that was married to a VERY deceptful man that had numerous affairs over our 8 year marriage. Naturally, I am worried about giving up my freedom and plunging in to a relationship. However, I am in love with him and I am emotionally invested in him. He knows my "issues" and has been very good at trying to reassure me he is NOT my ex and knows things will take time for me to realize this. As you can imagine, I have some issues but I have had plenty of therapy and have worked very hard on myself to make sure I don't take any baggage into future relationships. All my friends and therapist agree I have come along way in a short time. We actually met on Myspace. Yeah.. go figure. I have had a site on there for quite awhile and it says Im on there for friends and family ONLY. However, one night while taking an ambien on not going to sleep, I found myself surfing on Myspace when I came accross his profile. I sent a quick email and then we emailed for a few weeks before we had our first date. I really wasn't looking for anyone. But we clicked right away and things moved pretty fast... we started to spend every waking moment together... Now, while on vacation overseas last week, I was on his computer and typed something in the URL area (on Firefox). The drop down box came down and it said a certain dating site. I just about died but being we were at a friends house, I couldn't say anything. In fact, I kept it to myself and decided to not freak out because maybe it was old (from before we met). I put it out of my mind but today after returning home, I decided to check that site. To my horror, he was on there. I completely came undone as it brought back HORRIBLE memories of my past. I approached him face to face and told him about it. I said I wasn't snooping and that it just came accross the screen. He said it was old, he wasn't a subscriber and even said he even had profiles on other sites but they were old as well. He said he forgot they even existed. I said, um yeah but you are on there and receiving emails from them right? He said, no, I never paid for anything (doesn't surprise me as he is kinda cheap like that). I said, um, but that negates the point of a dating site. I said, why would you put yourself up and not receive emails? He said "They all work differently and I just put my profile up but when it came down to paying, I didn't subscribe. He offered to show all his credit card receipts and anything I wanted to see to prove it. He quickly reminded me that Myspace was a dating site too and that I was on that site. I said * * *? Im on there for my friends and family only and it clearly states I am there for FRIENDS only. PLUS my profile is private. Guess he forgot about that part. I said, I had NEVER surfed myspace in my life and it was a freak thing that we met that way... ... I want to believe him and I mostly do. I can tell he loves me and we spend every waking moment together plus I just got back from a 17 day trip overseas with him. He said "I wouldn't ask you to move in and take you to meet my parents in Europe if I was dating anyone else" I told him I was worried he was "keeping his options open" and that I had every right to freak out. I told him to put himself in my shoes and he said "yeah, I would have been wondering too"... ok.. point proven. Now he says he is going to try to remember all his passwords and such and delete himself off of these sites... I told him "in this country, its tacky to be on any dating site when you are clearly in a serious relationship, even if you have a free profile.... We ended the conversation on a good note but I am still feeling horribly ill from the shock... Anyway, I wanted to get some opinions on this. What does one do from here? Do I start to snoop to make sure he is telling the truth? How do I know he is telling me the truth? I don't trust men in general so this isn't good. Im pretty jolted by this and this sets me back in my learning to trust again. Any advice is appreciated. PS. I am 37 and he is 36. I was married for 8 years and he has never been married...

Well, I have just recently realized I am in love (since my divorce) and my thoughts consist of... 1. My god, I can love again even though I was severely hurt by my ex-husband. 2. Does he love me? 3. Help!

I use to believe in this word. I met the man of my dreams, married him and then he cheated on me throughout the marriage. Needless to say, I don't believe in the word anymore. Frankly, its too "la la" land of a term for me. Besides, *he* used that word to ad nauseum when we together all the while having several girlfriends. For me the word is associated with negative things so I don't believe in the word or the concept. Now, is there someone that is a VERY good fit for you? Yes... we all have them and I have found one recently.

Loco, I wanted to give you my 2cents on this. I am a 37 year old woman that was married for 8 years. After my split with my husband, I was dating a guy that was not only long distance (he lived very far away)but was always emotionally distant. Because of this.. and shortly after, I ended up having a casual sex relationship with a friend that I had known for about 4 years. The sex relationship lasted for about a year and I recently ended it due to the fact that I am now in a commited relationship with a wonderful man. It was something that we both agreed to at the time and we were both clear that it would never go any farther. We got along well when we were together and he always made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet. All things I needed at the time. First of all, many women cannot separate sex and emotions. This is something I can do very well. I kept my emotions in check the entire time except for one weekend, I started to feel a bit more but I quickly put it "in check".... not easy to do but I can do it. I don't think having a sex buddy is for everyone....most times, one party begins to have feelings for the other and that is where it gets complicated. This person I was with is a semi-famous "rockstar" and I knew I wasn't the only person he was with and he was open about this. I found his energy addicting as well as being a completely fascinating individual. I consider him an important person in my life and we are still friends. If you think you can do it without getting feeling involved then do it, but if you have an INKLING that it might be more for you, then I would stay away. And as always, use protection if you decide to do it... but then again, you probably knew that.

I wouldn't move in till the end of March. Also, *he* asked me to move in when my lease was up. He asked me right out of the blue.. So I would say I am not pushing that issue. In fact, I have showed signs of being a commitment phobe! He understands this because I was married at one time to a serial cheater and was severely damaged by it. So if he is having problems with worrying about his independence, I would say he is making it worse by asking me to move in. So, I can't take the blame on that one. Sorry. Every time I say I am going to spend the night at my place, he sulks and gets sad. He always says things like "you are sick of me aren't you?"... I have to constantly reassure him that its not the reason and that I am doing to give HIM room. Ugh..

Thanks for the responses. One thing though, I don't think this is a "see how it feels" kind of thing. When I was in my 20's I had a decent sex drive but sex was different then. I am more confident in my body and physically, sex is more pleasurable now. Also, since I am in love with this guy, I just want to show it and make him feel good. I don't think sex is the only thing in a relationship.. not even remotely. I guess I would be ok with twice a week? Ill go for anything a bit more. I suppose I need to learn to live with this. Bottom line. Either it will kill the relationship or it won't. I certainly don't want to lose him over this even though the sex is very important. We can't have it all right? I just find it ironic that I fall in love with someone in the middle of my sexual peak and he doesn't match it. Ouch.

Beec, I have tried seducing him and when I did... I got rejected. Yeah.. no thanks. Kind of would make you shy away huh?

RayKay, Thanks for your post. Funny... he believes in quality over quantity and has referred to that many times! It's a French thing. But you may be right.. his drive is lower than mine and even though I asked him if it was... *he* doesn't think so. This is a tough one because I really care about him. Maybe he does need to "miss" me a bit ya know? I have the advantage of going home for the night but when I suggest it, he takes it personally and says "you are sick of me"..... its just the opposite .... I love being with him but I hate laying in a bed where I am wondering W*T*F* is going on? I would rather be home in my bed.. alone with my cats then going through that. I guess this is just an incompatability. Go figure... I am at my sexual peak and I get with a guy that isn't interested... just my luck