Brandy Star

I guess a world where you have to continually be checking over your shoulder because you cant trust your friends is a pretty sad one - I really thought this particular one was solid, why wouldn't I? Part of me wants her to just drop off the face of the planet (actually most of me wants to see her get some horrible disease ) - I really am going thropugh two break-ups at once. As time goes on, I'm missing her more, and him....I do not know who I was with all these years...... I keep replaying everything in my head. Am I so worthless, that they could push aside everything important about this situation, for what? My worst nightmare is imagining them together. When I am in really bad way, I get myself so worked up and anxious, just picturing them together. Although I have no proof that they are. I've been told that they have stayed away from each other. I think it's only a matter of time before they do see each other - and I have absolutely no control. I just have to sit here and let it all happen TO me. You are definitely right. I am better off. What hurts me nost is that they just did it, and they seem to have no repercussion (from what I can see). None of our mutual friends seems to have an guts to pull either of them up, and say 'hey you both acted like jerks'. Nope instead they are going out socialising with them. Really have to rethink my friends...... Met a new guy on the weekend - he's really sweet, and totally into me, but it just makes me miss my ex more. New guy is too young anyway (24 yo), how can I go back and start from scratch, after all I've shared with ex? Feels like a game of snakes and ladders - almost to the top. Then get the big snake to slide down to the start again.

Hey... Thanks for your encouraging words, feels good to not be alone in the world - have never posted on any forum before. I guess nothing that anyone can say can make it 'better' (as everyone one on here already knows), have been out at a silly bar drinkining (and yes, ran into my ex). After a lot of small talk, he wanted to know how I am going?????? AAAAArrrrrggghhh - I took a deep breath, and said: How do you think I am going??? Then proceeded to tell him how hurt/devastated I was. Well...he asked...... Haven't actually seen him for a week (ish). I think seeing him has made me regress about 2 weeks - actually told him so - probably wearing too much of a heart on my sleeve - but that's kinda how I am. Anyway, he wanted to 'hang out for a while, and I told him to get lost (in not so many words), and that my (imaginary) friend would be joining me soon. If he only knew how much I had rehearsed in my head about what I would say to him, and then I actually did it. Of course after, I had an overwhelming need to hug him and say that I'm sorry???? What's that all about?? He hurt me!

I have been alone for many days now to relive this nightmare over and over again. I had been with witrh my partner for 5 years, we became engaged last year - we have even ran a business together - which I'm sure took it's toll on us. Last year I became very sick, and depressed - if it wasn't for my mother and my best friend, I'm not sure that I would have made it. I attemtpted suicide in late November last year, for many reasons, both recent, and childhood. My partner largely started to withdraw and close down (upon reflection), but my best friend, as always was there for me - even liasing with my mother - who lives a long way away, about my treatment etc. She and I have been through everything together, you might say she is the sister I would choose to have (instead of the family you can sometimes be stuck with). She was part of my new life- the new me who moved to Sydney 12 years ago, after being kicked out of home at 16, leaving behind a very abusive, and very violent family life, along with my siblings (which still haunts me, although they all have come to live around Sydney now - they got out too.) She is the one person in the whole world that I trusted implicitly - I guess more than my partner. She was the first person I called after my attempt. She has seen me go from relationship to relationship, not daring to trust the other guy, and, after a couple of years with each, deciding to end it. Then my current partner came along, and I guess I was tired of keeping up walls, and trying not to let people hurt me, so I allowed them to relax, allowed myself to trust him - believed that he loved me, and had the longest relationship yet. He and my best friend got on well, I was always glad, and at times of trouble would urge him to talk to her, if not me - she was a good listener. She always prided herself on being very just, fair, and decent. She was strong with good character, and she loved me as a sister, as did I her. I have had battles with depression for many years, always trying to learn more about it so as I can beat it. I used to weigh 140 kg (about 320 pounds?) 10 years ago, and have kept that weight off (at great struggle) ever since. She has also been very overweight, which has never bothered me - I dont care how much people weigh, until about 2 years ago, when she began doing similar things that I had begun many years before. I was happy either way, and if she was good, then so was I. We both never really compared 'notes' about things like that or anything - we both believe that there are better things to talk about, and better things about women than their dress size. And whilst I was always the flamboyant socialite, she was often reserved about her feelings, preferring to discuss others. Cut to Last November, and all I can think of, is with her new found body - maybe confidence, and the attention that was partner was (I knew) paying to her whilst I was trying to recover, messed with her head, or something..... I actually pulled her up, on her flirting with him, at one point - feeling like a complete idiot in doing so, thinking that she would be upset, but she seemed strangely serene, dare I say it, triumphant, in her own quiet way. She assures me that nothing is going on - nor would ever. She dosent flirt with anyone usually, and the only boyfriend that I have seen her with, she broke it off with last october - after 7 years. He was a nice guy , but a bit of a loser when he drank, which was often. Before that, she was hard pressed to go out with anyone, let alone flirt with anyone. That was more my style - although by now you are probably thinking that i must have stolen her opportunities somewhere along the way - which I can assure you has never been the case. Our relationship has been full of the things that I never had with anyone growing up - respect, trust,loyalty, communication, and selflessness. Now, four weeks ago, She comes to stay over one night,(which she hardly ever does - preferring to go home), I go to bed, not feeling very well, and the drugs I am on make me sleepy, only to wake up at about 4 in the morning, to walk out to silence in the living room. Hmmm.. where is everyone? I walk out to the backyard, and to my horror, there she and my partner is locked in embrace. I will never get that image out of my mind as long as I live. They thought I didn't see it. I came out and asked what was going on. Nothing... so I thought I would go back to bed, and try to digest what I seen before I reacted. Need less to say, I didn't sleep at all. Next morning he goes to work, I asked her what is going on she confirms my worst fears - saying over again 'it was never my intention to hurt you' I told her to leave, and that was the last I saw of her. The longest time I been apart from her ever. That night I confronted him - he said that he had intitiated it first, and she respoded in kind, several weeks ago!. He said that he wanted to work it out - which I believed at the time, then a week later, he told me it was over. He moved his stuff out a few days ago, after I asked him to stay somewhere else for a week, during which he didn't contact me once, leaving me to cleanup all of his stuff etc, then hasn't spoke to me once since - not even to ask if I'm alright. I mean - he did talk away my best friend as well as himself - I cant believe who he (and my friend for that matter) has turned into. I feel like I'm going through two breakups at once.Every morning I wake up, and there is that 10 seconds of bliss before everything come crashing back at you for every second of every minute of every day. My two best friends abandonded me when I needed them most. As for my partner, I have always been the strong one in the relationship, often taking on a carer role, and then for once I really need him - and he closes down, unable to handle it. What if I'd had cancer? Or broken my leg? Would it have been too much for him also? At this stage, neither of them have given me any answer or explanation. Him obviously preferreing avoidance - and I guess she is too. I am soooooo angry. What makes it worse, is that all of our mutual friends are fraternising with them ( at differing times), but staying away from me - when I really need some friends. It's like it's too uncomfortable for them to be around me, and they will wait until I am 'party girl again, then it's not too 'taxing' for them. (Yes I am getting bitter, I think). So here I sit, trying to figure out how you get out of this one. We also moved into a new house three weeks before he pulled this - he picked the house and everything, now I am stuck with it, because I cant afford to move again, and am in the horrifying situation of interviewing strangers to occupy the other two rooms of my house so that I won't be homeless - all of whom may mess with my head even further, as I'm not sure I am strong enough to deal with the nuiances that come with strangers living in the house - been there done that. So if anyone can offer advice or any similar stiuation. I'd love to hear from them. People think that it is because she lost weight, but I've been through that too - and I dont care how much self confidence you gain - you are still the same person, still know right from wrong. So that excuse hasn't really washed with me. Although, someone could have told me aliens were landing on the planet and I would have believed that more. My mother was afraid that I would relapse, and so was I - frankly, I'm not sure how I've made it this far - especially by myself a lot - which I'm not very happy with. I feel truly lost.....