OhioSt8

At what level do issues become a "red flag"? As we all know, everyone has things about them that we dislike, or that we find to be very different from ourselves, but we tend to accept them because there are so many other things about the person that we desire. This is human nature. So if you're looking for "red flags" with every partner you have, and you're basing a decision to get married on whether or not the flags are present, you'll never allow yourself to marry. I guess we just need to identify the issues we DO NOT like about our partner, then decide if they're something we can live with, and eiher ask the person to change them, accept them, or decide to not marry the person. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just maintain that tolerance and acceptance we have with our partner's faults when we first meet them? Seems very simple. The reason for the tolerance is because we're focused on the good things about them, not giving any time to the bad stuff. Why can't we do that after the "honeymoon period"? Is it a decision, or is it something we just cannot control?

Wow! Your attitude is where I want to be. The fact that you're thinking objectively now instead of out of emotion is great! Sounds like you're over him, or at least able to keep from thought of missing him, etc. This gives me hope, because I have to admit that it really feels like I'll never get over her. I can say out loud that I need to move on, and that she's not good for me anymore, and then a few minutes later send her a text stating my undying love for her. Congrats! I hope to get to the point you are soon.

I think the "no-contact" rule can be very effective if you can do it. It's true, "absense makes the heart grow fonder", and he'll tend to wonder about you and what you're doing. While you're away, you'll gain new things, and become more interesting to him when you finally do talk again. You'll have more stories to tell, new friends, new clothes that he hasn't seen, maybe new things in the house, etc. You'll also gain a new confidence in the sort of new life you have built for yourself, and this new confidence will be very appealing and attractive to him. Trust me, I know this from experience. I'm sort of in the same situation, except I'm the man. My wife and I have been separated (not legally) for about 13 months now, and I love and desire her more now than ever. We originally sort of mutually agreed to split, although she really pushed for it. She got her own place with our 4 yr old daughter, and I was sort of forced to stay with my sister because of lack of finances and resources. At that time I was convinced that I was better off and happier without her, and she wasn't, and she was constantly calling me and e-mailing, being very mean and emotional, but wanting us to work it out. she pushed me further away by being so mean and accusatory, and just made it easier to live with our decision to split. I understand all of it now, because I've turned into this emotional wreck, and now do and say things that I would have never done before. She called me one day last year and left a very nice voicemail for once, and was humble, soft, and just said something about missing me, instead of the usual "you're a bad husband/father", "you're immature", etc. When I got the voicemail, I immediately called back because I love it when she's nice and humble instead of putting on this fake mean/strong front. We dated a few times and I stayed at her place sometimes. I quickly fell right back in love with her as the girl I originally met. She somehow didn't feel the same. She has created this whole new life, with new friends, and a new job which she's very successful at, and she's just not wanting or needing me anymore. Here we are a year later, and I've been trying very hard to win her back, and I've looked for every reason to blame our failure on me so that I could fix it, knowing that she won't try. I've made changes to myself for "us", and will continue to do so. She on the other hand has seemingly not accepted any responsibility, and hasn't tried to change anything for "us". I've always been considered a very strong person (to a fault) that's insensitive, that doesn't cry, doesn't let emotion get into my decision-making, doesn't let anyone manipulate me, blah blah blah... Well, I've cried more this year than ever, and often times for reasons I'm not even sure of, I've become more emotional when it comes to pretty much everything in my life, and I'm definitely letting her manipulate me like a puppet. She won't commit anything to me, she doesn't show me affection at all, I have to kiss her, and even then it's like kissing a wall, and she rejects sex all the time, but usually uses excuses like she too tired, she on her period, etc. I've dated many different girls during all of this, but I totally would rather be with her than with anyone else in the world anytime. She knows that I've dated, and she gets really angry at me, and proceeds to tell me how bad I am for telling her how much I love her and want to be with her each day, yet can still go out with another woman. I see it that she has no leg to stand on with that argument. Again, I would much rather be with her, but she often times doesn't want to be with me, and when she [allows] me to be with her she won't hardly even look at me, it's more like 2 men hanging out watching tv. I'm a hopeless romantic, and very affectionate and "touchy-feely", and to have to hang out with her all night and not get affection from her, or even as much as a look into the eyes is torture! I tell her every day (text, e-mail, phone) that I love her so much and want to be with her, and I'm very aware that this is probably turning her off and pushing her farther away, but with technology today making communication so convenient, it's so hard to not contact her, and to not just send her a quick text saying "I miss you", or "i love you". I do think that she's not really seeing that she could lose me for good, so maybe the "no contact" rule would be very effective if I could follow through with it. It's just very hard as I said, and we do have a daughter together. I'm not forgetting about my daughter in all of this by the way, I'm just with the belief that my wife and I have to work ourselves out, and not use our daughter as THE reason to work things out, or not. The bottom line is that I want to be with her more than anything else in the world, and am willing to make the changes necessary on my part, but it seems very one-sided. I truly believe that I was at least 65% of the reason we split, but I'm willing to make up for it, and change. I'm to the point now though that I feel like she's not going to giv in, and allow herself to love me again. She doesn't look at me through loving eyes, and this causes her to see me in the worst light when we're arguing or debating, and it also causes her to disrespect me when I tell her my feelings. She tends to tell me I'm being a "child", and she becomes very insensitive, something she accused me of our whole time together (funny how the roles are reversed). Sorry for rambling on YOUR topic. Feels kind of nice to let this out. I wish you all the best, and of course I'm hoping for the best with my situation.