-gemincer-

ok.. i was going to sneak it.. after lots of thinking.. but mickey said no. they won't like that. and it wouldn't help.. and i'm already almost 18, just 9 months to go. .. 9 months of absolute and utter pain. i can't wait anymore.. it's easy for girls (i know they all hate me now) to deal with "that time of the month" but for me it's so much different. i can't just be myself, it's like.. bah. i have nothing to compare it to. it's horrible. i want to die.. but only because it means i won't have to feel the hurting anymore.. sounds like i'm emo. but the pain isn't emotional and fake. it's.. real. and i can't just think myself better. (i so wish i could though. i'm good at thinking.) i can't concentrate in school, i can't move around freely.. even binding is torture along with it. i hate that women laugh at me.. or tell me to suck it up, they deal with it too.. or that i'm making a "mountain out of a molehill" .. they don't know what it's like for me. they know what it's like to have to deal with it, they don't know the stress and the psychological torment and the excess pain on top.. they couldn't even imagine. hardly anybody really can.. isn't there some way i could stop it? i've read starving works, but.. i can't bring myself to do that.. i'm not good at starving. i always eat, then go "oops.." any other ways i could make it stop..?

how is this point of information helpful in anyway? (i just noticed it..) "Just as a point of information. There is no special age as such (at least not in Britain, but may be different on the other side of the pond). Its just that such hormone therapy goes so much against 'conventional medical wisdom' (that what is seen as a primarily psychological problem should be treated with means primarily aimed at the psycholgical problem) that doctors tend to wait until they are near enough absolutley sure that the disease is worse than the treatment and that the patient will not later regret it. The result being that in practice it isn't done in under 16s." 1- so i'm.. crazy, and my problem should be treated.. psychologically? because it's so much easier to change the way my brain works than to alter a couple places on my body. yeah. 2- what i have isn't a disease. it's a birth defect. i was -born like this- and it's a physical defect. i'm not supposed to have a female body. 3- under 16? i'm 17. this shouldn't be a problem.. -anywhere- ... they all use the same book for reference, and it says minimum age is 16. i -should- get it. but they're bums. so i don't.

ok.. i suppose i could hold off on trying to sneak the T from somebody for now.. being that.. my eyes are bad enough, i want to see as long as i live.. hafoo. and yeah.. if i waited this long, might as well just.. keep .. waiting. yeah. grr. oh well. it -is- almost half a year already of being 17.. for now at least. i'll hold off for now. it's doubtful my uncle would help me anyways.. and i'm not sneaky enough to steal. .. i had a point. i did. but what can i do in the meantime? if binding and keeping my hair shorter than i'd like -isn't enough,- then.. what else could i possibly be missing? .. suppose i'll continue later. would they really slow it down if i started it myself..? is there any proof? any horror stories i should be aware of? .. besides stupid people taking entire bottles in the span of a week. i'm not stupid. i don't see any reason for them to slow things down and get mad if i started it myself. it'd be better than me going crazy and getting high and trying to do my own operations.. did i put that here already? i think i did.. maybe it was somewhere else.. i don't know. hafoo.. i just don't know what to do. i don't think i've ever said that so often in a short amount of time before. but.. i really don't. i'm lost. ..heheh.

i have to go see that doctor guy tomorrow.. or. today, i guess. i hope he says something about an appointment. .. i really can't go on like this. everything else, the voice, my appearance, the pronouns.. it doesn't matter for now, i can deal with all that.. until it comes to me being sick.. in the middle of class, every.. month. i'm not supposed to do that. my grades suffer, and that's not fair. i get depressed, and i'm not a depressed-type person. hafoo.. but if he says no, i have to wait.. if he says i have to wait until the next appointment, which could be 6 months even from now.. until he makes up his mind to make an appointment with an endocrinologist. i'm going to have to do something. nothing stupid, like suicide. i'm crazy, not stupid. but if he says i have to wait for almost another year to start, i'm thinking of asking my uncle to get T from a doctor. i asked myself, and he said he could, - if i were a guy. i could have hit him right then and there. i mean.. can't he reword that enough to at least have consideration for his patients? anyways.. my uncle knows about me.. he might be willing to do that. maybe. and if he does.. just take that myself. carefully.. every two weeks, only a little bit.. and get regular tests at the hospital just in case. but i'm wondering if that's even a good idea. would that hinder the actual treatment..? i know it'd be alright physically for me. i'm careful enough and do enough research to perhaps play it by ear. has anyone heard of people doing that before? i know they have.. but i don't know.. any real end results. a webcomic isn't really enough. hafoo..

I've tried switching schools..in grade 8 and 9. ..but there isn't any other high school i can go to. i'd have to switch towns or something.. and my parents aren't willing to move closer to the other one. i have cousins going to schools all over, so.. that kinda kills it, because they'd talk about me and tada.. it's all back again. hafoo. and the evil doctor man won't give me medicine yet. i have to wait. mostly it's just appointments and stuff.. it's kinda stupid, they make me wait months and months, so that i can wait more months for it to kick in, when i.. just wanted at least my last year of high school to be somewhat normal.. oh well. high school is never normal. anyways. as for answers in short..no, and not yet.

i've been having somewhat of a stressful week.. meaning more stressful than usual. i can sometimes take somebody calling me the wrong gender, or just.. -assuming- i'm straight.. or both the wrong gender and gay, making it wrong all over again.. i hate it when i finally find the perfect binding, or.. it works, anyways. most of the time. pinches a bit by my arms, but hey. as long as it looks alright, right? i'm walking around with this binding.. proper clothes.. i look in the mirror.. regular teenaged boy. normal. happy. then that old geezer comes into the store i work at.. "OH!! IT'S MY GREEN HAIRED LADY!!" as i just sort of.. *twitch* "I'm.. NOT a LADY... and I'm most definitely NOT YOURS.." but he doesn't get it. no. because he's an old geezer from the mental hospital. nevermind he understands everything else. > then i started grade 12 this year. oo joy. everyone else finds it a bit stressful, but for me? oh.. it's definitely double. homework.. no problem. i can work a little more. studying? probably should start. stop falling asleep in school.. sleep at home. 6 hours won't cut it. make my own lunches.. because i don't have the money to buy them, despite having a job. no weekends, because i have a job. normal teenager, right? oh.. but it gets better. i can't go to the proper washrooms, because.. all these people around me know me. they see me as a girl. no idea why, they just.. do. i don't dress like a girl.. i don't -act- like a girl.. why.. if i were a girl, i think i'd like to make the effort to look pretty! i can't stand it when girls are like "don't call me a girl.. but i'm not a boy. i just don't like being a girly-girl. they're dummies. i have a brain." that has -NOTHING- to do with your gender. that's your BRAIN.. smart women can still wear sexy skirts and shiny pumps. professional women that make a good living all on their own.. can still wear a push up bra and put up their hair. wear makeup. it's... not always necessary, but come on. if you -can- make yourself look attractive, why not do it? instead of dressing like a tomboy (or a lesbian, as people seem to think they're all just tomboys, which is.. stupid.) then complaining you don't have a boyfriend.. suck it up. guys want sexy women as their girlfriends. not a .. liberated female that pretends she's a guy with boobs. that's... not.. attractive. if i were a woman, i'd go all out. i'd look like a fashion plate every day, because.. i could. but no.. because of all these men with boobs, they think "oh. there goes a lesbian, or a tomboy. man is she ever ugly. she looks like a guy." um... YEAH. BECAUSE I -AM- A GUY. "no offense, but you.. look 'mannish'" .. oh. well -thanks- somebody finally noticed i'm not binding because it's FUN. but anyways. back on track. i've already gone to the hospital before because i couldn't go into the proper washroom.. and had absolutely no wish to wait in line with a bunch of stupid men with boobs that have nothing better to do than to stand around in a washroom and talk. it's like.. the meeting place. the.. gross, stinky meeting place.. where you can listen to your girlfriends tinkle and giggle because it's so gross... no. i'm not going back there. you can't make me. so i use the proper washroom.. i.. have to sneak in there, and sneak out.. because if any biological guys see me, they'll beat the living daylights out of me. oo yes. i've always wanted to come home with a black eye and assorted cuts and bruises. no, seriously. and on top of washrooms.. i have this lovely little note that i can show anyone just in case any problems arise.. "please don't be mean to this tranny. treat him like any other guy so he doesn't CRACK LIKE A PEANUT UNDER PRESSURE. signed, evil doctor man." i didn't want all the wrong pronouns in class, right? because nothing irks me more than somebody talking about me and saying she, her, she, her, she, and hers all in the saaaame sentence. oo. i could eat. my. desk. and it'd taste good, too. way better than the wrong pronouns. i showed my teacher my special letter. and he goes "oh. thank you for your honesty." and yay. i have.. -one- person convinced. now for the other 700 or so in this little school.. many of which just won't listen when i tell them. and that's just at school. ... if you haven't noticed by now, i'm.. ftm. but after a whole day.. of all this, on top of my best friend who i love like a daughter (i'm messed up. lol) telling me that she cut herself. -AGAIN- ... and a little girl getting all up in my face over a teensy little kick in the pants to her brother.. who's my other best friend.. who i wouldn't actually kick unless i was getting paid for it.. and paid well. ok. on top of all that. i get all happy because yay, i get to go to the support group i've only gone to once.. to sit with people like me, who understand the pain, the agony, the maltreatment. the.. sheer humiliation. of being the runaway circus freak among audience members. only to find, when we get there.. an hour's drive, that i had to pay the gas for, when it's not even my car (understandable.) that.. it was on tuesday. not friday. so i sit there.. hitting my head against the window.. ready to just.. explode.. i say. "let's go shopping." because i'm a big old fag and i need stuff to make me happy. i go spend 45 bucks on lipstick, earrings and little pins. but this doesn't make me happy. i want that lady. i want to talk to her.. i want her to be my mom, or my aunt.. just.. talk to me. advise me. take me shopping.. or out for coffee or something. LOVE ME. .. obviously, my mom and aunts don't do this. i can't even hope for any sort of love from my uncles.. other than zak, who.. i adore, but doesn't seem to really be interested in spending much time with me sometimes.. stupid favoritism. i've never been the favorite. but besides that. i need.. her. because she understands what it's like to go nuts under the.. pressure. the pressure. even the word pressure causes pressure. getting back to the question.. now that i've lost your attention and you've gone away.. c.r.a.c.k. see? under all this pressure, i become like.. a dam made out of eggshells. it's like *tap tap* boom. all gone. and i just go nuts. i cry, i dig my fingernails into my head and rock back and forth and wish i had something to hit, not just delicate things that i like in my room. and i can't hit the walls, because they're soft and not built nice, and i can't hurt the house because of cultural reasons which i won't delve into right now.. > hafoo. doesn't anyone else feel like this? don't closets feel the same way? i'm like.. locked. in the stupid closet. and it's a soft plastic closet, so i can pretend i'm leaving it. i'm ready to leave it, i'm getting claustrophobic.. but no. i can't. they locked me in. and.. i want out. i want.. to leave... hafoo. some people are so lucky all they have to do is step out.. they have their own keys. my key is in the hands of the evil doctor man and his associates. who take their sweet time.. "what if what we're doing isn't the right choice..? what if years from now, you want to be a woman again (never was one, never will be.) and want kids and boobs and female parts again..?" i can't seem to convince them. i'm NOT a WOMAN. when i was little, even. i didn't want to grow up. i didn't want a gross sagging chest, i didn't want to get fat around the legs and chest and whatever. i didn't want to have babies. that's.. wrong to me. i thought i'd grow out of it.. it has to be a stage, after all i'm only 8, i can't just .. make this decision. i must be possessed. i must be depressed. i must be a witch or something. then after time and time.. it's like. no. i can't. > too bad i don't have a recorder or something. i can't just.. record this and send it to the evil doctor man and be like "please.. PLEASE take this into consideration. i don't want to have to get sick again.. " no more hospitals.. no more nurses that hate me. no more stupid diaperlike things that i shouldn't have to need.. no more stupid binding that hurts and doesn't convince anyone of anything.. i don't.. want it. .. erm. back to the q. ^^;;

awws.. going to visit your boyfriend.. that's sweet. i can almost -promise- that kiss will be good. but probably really shy, or a bit awkward at first.. i happen to know he hasn't kissed -anyone- that way. and as for all the other experiences.. i don't think it's really something you can generalize. it all depends on one's personal preferences, no? heheh. ^^;;

oo. gootness this is fascinating. i don't know if i'm quite in a place where i can summarize "my story" just yet.. i'm still sort of working with it. ^^;; on this though..->>FoxLockeWell, I cannot relate to being transgendered...But I imagine it must be even harder than being born gay or lesbian. i find it sort of weird, sometimes harder than others.. being gay -and- transgendered. >

Things look alrightish for now with my mom and stuff like that.. and i've begun to really despise the way doctors work. probably because they're busy, and there aren't really many doctors around.. (when i say doctors, i mean specialists of all, or at least many types.) and yes, when i said mtf, i meant that.. i didn't make a mistake. if i did, i would have edited it. ...because i'm a perfectionist that way. what i meant by that was just what he (UT) said.. with the other stuff, the surgery and further stuff, i feel that it's probably easier to be mtf. and even now, i'd much rather be on the other side of the scale, where it's be much more obvious, and people probably wouldn't be really as easygoing about things as they are now. right now, they don't understand. they just brush it off as me being 'some tomboy', or 'some butch lesbian.' which.. really hurts, because if i were a girl, i'd love it. i'd enjoy being a girl. if i were a lesbian, i..highly doubt i'd want to be a butch one. and along that note, i don't even like girls that way, really.. so both of those are just stereotypical assumptions, and everybody knows those hurt. i'd rather they push me to the ground and beat the living daylights out of me sometimes, rather than staring at the freak in the hallway. at least that way i'd know for sure what they were thinking, right..? hafoo.. it's just so much more defined for a girl to show that she's a girl, than for a boy to do the same. ...without flashing people. and on that other half.. why would i go through all the trouble of this... only to "turn back into a girl" ..? i may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but i'm not quite that bad. it bothers me that people think this is a decision, that i have to think about.. even the doctor said that. he wouldn't start me on the hormone treatment stuff, because "if i were to change my mind.." blah blah blah. i'm not the kind of person that would just decide on a whim.. "oh, i'm not having such a good day, so i'm going to just change my gender." or "people don't seem to like me as a girl, so i'm going to be a boy for now, and see how much they like me then." that is -not- my problem. for me, i really only have two choices. i know people hear this all the time, and i'm sorry to overuse it, but.. it's true. it's very true in many cases.. those choices are to get help, and start the treatment and crap now, or to die. because i'm absolutely not going to try to live with myself the way my body is now. i've thought about dying before.. it's not a happy thing. i don't want to die. but faced with living the rest of my life in this ugly shell... no. i refuse. i'm not struggling with my gender identity.. i'm struggling with the protocol and the people that i have to convince to give me what i need to survive. all i need is .. to be able to make people understand. but being that i'm kind of bad at putting things straight, especially when they're asking me very personal questions and i'm expected to tell him as if it's nothing.. it's really hard. he should expect people to tear up, get frustrated.. maybe digging one's nails into their head isn't really a healthy thing to do, but it gets the point accross in a hurry. if he gave me at least 10 more minutes... hafoo. with the information readingness.. i've looked through a -lot- of information. i pretty much know what i want. but .. when people ask me, "so.. what do you expect us to do..?" all my answer really is.. "i expect you to help me." "how do we help you?" "give me the stuff." "what stuff?" "the.. treatment.. stuff." "what..treatment..stuff?" and that's how the conversation goes. that's how i get frustrated with them. i need to have.. notes in front of me. "i need to have this unpronouncable stuff done to me, so that i can begin to function as a useful human product. or at least be the slightest bit pleased with myself, and not add to the suicide statistics, or be a waste of air and water." as for giving other people information.. "here mom, read this huge pamphlet on how much of a freak your firstborn is. don't forget the huge letters at the top there.. on how you should be disappointed that i turned out to be this way, and that it's somehow all your fault." keep in mind, however, that i don't actually believe any of this is her fault, not until i can prove that she was taking those girly pill things of hers when i was born. but i really doubt she was. i really do love my mom.. because she's the only one i've got. i also despise her, because she's not very helpful, and is a little immature at times. but what mother doesn't seem that way at certain times? leaving that part and going with other people than her.. it's a little hard going around wearing this huge sign on my shoulders, declaring that i'm a freak, and that everone should treat me accordingly. i don't want to do that.. but apparently i have to, if i want to get any help. in order to have people notice me, i either have to be absolutely crazy, or i have to be the most outgoing person in the world, (because apparently being shy, painting my nails, crying, and liking shiny colorful things, is girly. -i- had no idea, i must be a complete idiot.) for people to lift a couple fingers and sign a freaking paper. so far, i've decided to select a few people each day that i know, tell them i have a birth defect, have them laugh at me for a bit, and tell other people. until the whole world knows, and my only hope for living a nice quiet life with my past behind me lies with kids who haven't heard it. until their parents tell them, and i'm living with stupid rumors and some true stuff that i don't want to remember forever. ok, my brain is going all over, can you tell? i'm starting to jump around and make pictures that my fingers just aren't fast enough for. i'm going now, before i get mad... i think it's pretty obvious that the thing i was worried about.. this whole appointment (which, by the way, i have to wait another two frigging months to redo) went to pot.

.. i'm not entirely convinced my family's the type to .. go on any type of journey. my parents are pretty stubborn about the way they are. my dad thinks he's really really old, and he's only just turned 40. my mom.. has no faith that things will get better in the future. and they both keep whining about how their lives could get better.. - basically, i don't think it's happening. i'm more of a boarder in their house than a child of theirs.. hafoo. if i do want to change things about myself, it's going to happen by my own .. doing..? obviously. but basically, they won't do anything. they might talk to me now and then.. well then what's the problem? .. i tend to freak out. make things either too small or too big. i was just.. worried about this one visit to this dude changing everything. in a way, it will.. but..bah. i don't know what to expect, in detail, when i'm there. i doubt he'll sit me on a tall chair and give me a sucker. i also highly doubt that he'll talk to me about how i'm doing in school, or with my family.. but then, i don't know. maybe he'll do both of those. maybe he'll just stamp "freak" accross my head and dismiss me. maybe nervous is the feeling.

thanks for all the.. hoping for good luck and such.. i really hope things go well too. obviously. is it just me, or does it seem a little easier to be mtf instead? maybe it's just looking at the grass on the other side. i read somewhere though, that someone was completely female by the end of high school.. couldn't help but feel some part of jealousy. i'd hate for myself to be like this when i start university.. would it help to say i'm turning 17 next month?

she.. does know some things about "people born in the wrong gendered body".. she has some idea anyway. obviously she doesn't want to bother to go deeper into it and know more.. she thinks it's disgusting and wrong. she doesn't want to have anything to do with me sometimes, it seems.. and lately, whenever i need her, she brushes it off and tells me to go to my room, or have a nap, just.. to go away. i suppose asking her why she even bothered having kids isn't the way to go about it, but sometimes you have to wonder. maybe.. i don't know. i'm a horrible 'prototype'.. confusing myself..

i have an appointment to see a ..special dude type person tomorrow.. i've been waiting for this appointment for months and months now.. it was rescheduled from january to now. The thing is, i have to see him because he's one of those types of guys that can actually say whether or not i can start the whole .. procedure. for.. getting..hormone treatment and ..all that funky surgery stuff.. hafoo. i don't know what i should expect.. what if he refuses me? i don't know what i'd do after waiting for so long. how long will he keep me there? i'd rather it not just be a half hour of him asking me questions, then turning me out, saying he'll see me in a few months, and see if i still want to be a boy then. i hate it when people talk like that. i really hope he doesn't do that.. i'm worried i'll just freeze up and not tell him anything, or start crying or something.. but the biggest problem with it all after.. is my mom. she said before she'd have no part in helping me.. (before proceeding to cry and ask me if i could just be "normal" for her sake..but that's not my point right now.) but i need her. not just for money, but for a little bit of support..after all, she is my mother. isn't that what she's supposed to do? sometimes? just.. kinda be there.. oh well. and with my dad.. he's the old fashioned sexist. where the women stay inside the house and cook and clean and have babies, and the men go get water and chop wood and hunt. i have no idea why he's like that, but.. he is. i'm worried he'd abandon me entirely, ignore me.. i don't want my brother to hate me. and if nothing happens, then they'll never change, they won't see any considerable damage.. but then -i'll- be broken up. i'll be the one all.. hafoo. basically, what do i .. do? i sound a little calmly worried, but it's a weird mood. could be the headache.

awwws... tank you, tank you..i loves you peoples.. it's all better now. o.o it's amazing. it's like.. she.. well, she had no problems with it. i told her. and ..now.. i feel odd that i did, like.. it's always been that way.. i guess she just.. is special. yes. she's special. tank you all. and.. *huggles bf tightly* =^^= loves you.

when i first met her.. (my sister..) i.. well, i should start off with .. she's not .. blood related. or.. in any way related. my parents don't even know her. she's.. a very goot friend, who.. is.. called. my sister. ok. there. now. when i first met her.. i didn't.. tell her. my problem. (my problem with the .. transsexual thing.. i just told her, right off, that i was male, and.. i was used to lying back then. not really lying, but not.. telling the whole truth, i suppose.. hafoo. well.. like.. it's not a lie for me, but.. to.. oh i'll just go ahead and say it. to NORMAL people.. it is. .. i made the mistake of telling her, (quite by accident, it slipped out.) that i phoned my boyfriend (yes, i'm gay, you can't kick me off of here.) first. and.. not her. at all. why? because.. i'm.. not particularly fond of phones, being.. my condition.. bah. .. now she's going all.. "do what you want with your life.. i don't have any say over anything. who am i to stop you?" and.. it really really hurts. because before, many times it would be more like.. "you are MINE!! MWAHAHA!! and i love you, and you love me, and i am your big sister forever." .. it's.. like.. she's a stranger. and .. i don't think i can handle that. for the longest time, she's all i had. .. i'm just wondering.. if i should actually go ahead and tell her about it. i wanted to do it in person, but.. it looks like i'm going to lose her either way, whether i do tell her or not.. i don't know. i can't handle things. i'm terrible with words. and crying doesn't solve anything, but that doesn't seem to stop me. lol