happyphantom

Thanks for your responses everyone. Shes2Smart, I think you probably best described what I'm feeling right now. I've tried rationalizing it over and over in my head, telling myself that he'll make a great husband, he'll always dote over me, be a good family man...and that these things are what any girl would love to have. And, I really do enjoy his company because he's intelligent, has alot to say, and is very outgoing. But its a bad feeling I cant shake off sometimes...like when he tries to kiss me. Instead of enjoying it, I feel like I'm doing it out of obligation, or that I'm just reciprocating somehow for all the nice things he's done for me. I didn't feel this way in the beginning though, so then I wonder if maybe its some psychological switch I can turn on or off? I wish I knew where the on switch was! I think I've identified the types of things that turn me off....but I wonder if its worth mentioning to him (I feel like he would do and change anything right now just to keep me around). They're very simple things, and very subtle. I guess overall he just reminds me of a little boy, whose heart I dont want to break instead of a man. For example, sometimes when he's trying to be affectionate, he'll hug me, and sort of put his head on that spot between my neck and collarbone...or plant grandma kisses on my lips. Whereas, I'd much rather that I be the one putting my head on his neck....or that he'd be a little more aggressive/passionate when kissing me. Anyway, I suppose these things can be learned, but, I don't want to hurt his feelings, or really have to change him. I guess I'm confused. My family and friends think I'm crazy for feeling this way when he's such a wonderful guy, and tell me things like I'll end up alone if I continue to be this picky. So those sorts of comments weigh on me also.

So how important is chemistry for a successful long term marriage? I've spent some time wondering about what qualities I can and cannot ultimately live with in a partner, and my list is enormous. I've finally met someone who has everything I'm looking for...he's handsome, kind, intelligent, respectful......and the list goes on. And, he's very serious about me. The only problem is that theres no real chemistry from my end. So is chemistry really important? Or is passion really something that fades for everyone, leaving behind mutual respect and consideration as the pillars for long-lasting love? For those of you who are married, what really keeps your marriage going? Sometimes I think I can't live without the passion....then, I think maybe I'm chasing a foolish dream of a fairy tale ending.

This is what I think. - Dont get her a rose or anything else. - Absolutely do not order for her. Ask her opinion on things to do, places to go. - Hold her hand, compliment her, and get close to her ONLY if it seems natural and the mood is right. Don't force it. - Open doors, and let her walk in before you.....but don't go completely out of your way to do it. - Be courteous, but keep your space. You dont want to come on too strong -Relax. If you're nervous, its goign to show. Maybe you should have a drink or two before you see her. - When you're talking, dont be afraid to look into her eyes. - Be yourself and focus on having fun.

Yes, snooping is not right, but there's an even bigger mistake than snooping -- and that is not taking the information you learned, and doing what is best for you. After you found out he had lied to you, you should have left him. There's no point in staying with someone you cannot trust. Be true to yourself.

Geo, I hate to give you more to worry about, but you might end up paying spousal support to (if she hasn't worked or is only qualified for minimum wage)

I would just take it a little slower with her. Seems like she is into you, but isn't necessarily ready to jump into bed. Have fun and be respectful of her, till you see signals from her that its OK to move it to the next level.

Herewegoagain, That does seem like a pretty quick decision on her part, and its only natural that you're hurting right now. Just think back to how you felt right after your break up - it got better day by day, and the natural healing process will take place with this last piece of news also. One day, whatever she does in life will have absolutely no impact on your feelings, because she will have no place in your life. She will simply be a memory. And I think until that day naturally arrives, you should focus on your life, future, and wellbeing. I know its easier said than done, but work on your inner peace, so that you might be able to open your heart up to another girl one day, and maybe one day...it'll be you proposing to someone you love dearly.

David, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I agree with everything Chai714 said about what you should do, but also, I wouldn't trust your friend Ben again. What he did was really low. He's not a real friend - dont let him fool you again.

The reason that I said Wednesday is because its the midpoint of the week, and in reality, people DO make plans way in advance of their weekends. I guess I'm being a little difficult with him because he has been giving her the run around, and acting "hot," and then "cold." (He did leave her hanging the entire week before that) I just feel like he doesn't appreciate what she has to offer, and is blowing her off until he has nothing better to do (I'm judging this on past incidents I wont go into) But anyway, I guess enough of you seem to agree that I was way off, so I'll suggest to her that she ask him to make other plans, and bite my tongue with my advice next time. Thanks, Sophie

My best friend's crush (after months of flirting) finally suggested that they should go out sometime. After a week passed by and he hadn't called, my friend started to feel really let down. Maybe I'm too traditional, but I told her that under no circumstances should she call him and ask him about the date......and also told him that if he did eventually call and ask her out for a particular weekend, he should do it at least by the Wednesday of that week. That's just an unwritten rule of thumb that I always use. Well, he called on a Thursday asking her out for a Saturday. I was with her when he called, and watched her politely tell him "I would love to, but I already have other plans. Maybe some other time." Well, that was that. He hasn't called since and she is feeling disappointed. Personally, I think its a good thing because although she may have gotten a date out of it, it would have been just too easy for him. Also, when she suggested "some other time," he couldve taken initiative and asked her for the following week. But, I do feel a little bit guilty for giving her that advice, seeing how she's taking it. What do you guys think?

Stargazer, I say it all depends on what kind of restaurant you'll be going to. If its somewhere a bit upper scale, I would say dress it up a little bit. If you don't want to ask him straight off where you're going, maybe you can ask him which city you will be in? That might give you a hint. Also, you might be able to tell just from how he is in general. If he's a struggling student, he might not be able to break bank for a date. But if he's a doctor, it might be different. In general, I think its safer to be a bit overdressed rather than underdressed. Look nice, and sexy - but not like you're trying TOO hard. About wearing something lower, I say sexy is great! But a good rule of thumb is that if you're going to be showing off one particular "asset," you should be more conservative with other assets. So if you're going for cleavage, don't go with the mini skirt.

Maybe I'm just more skeptical than most here, but I dont believe in such things as "breaks." They are usually nice, less painful ways to say "break up." I wouldnt be sitting around and asking "why" or "is he coming back?" if I were in your situations. If you were married, and problems came up in your marriage, how would you feel if your husband asked for a "break"? A break is going on a fishing trip, going out with your buddies, taking a nap, or going for a jog. Anything beyond that.......well, let me put it this way....If a guy ever asked me to take a "break," I would offer to help him pack because odds are, its over.

I think that he is trying to tell you something....in not so many words.

Skimming through these posts, I can't seem to understand why so many people are still in contact with their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. Am I the only person here that says "goodbye" and means it? What's the point in holding onto this person if your relationship is over? Is it some lingering, desperate hope that one day you might get back together? Don't get me wrong. I've been in many relationships, and have both hurt some people, and been very much so hurt by others. I have many memories that I will treasure forever, and am genuinely thankful for alot of the men that came into my life because they enriched it in one way or another. But once it was over - that was it. I don't want to know who theyre dating, what they're doing, how their job is going, or ANYTHING about them! I want to move on with my life, and leave any "baggage" behind, take what I have learned, and turn it into something positive I can offer for my next relationship. Similarly, I dont appreciate it when the men I date still remain "friends" with their ex's. Friends???? Are you kidding me? You can never be "friends" with someone after you dated them. It's just not honest, unless you can go back into your psyche and erase everything you ever felt for them. Love is great, and love sucks sometime. But I really believe that there is more than 1 perfect person out there for everyone, but we should really stop dwelling and living our lives in the past. The only way is to move forward. Just my opinion.... Sophie

I think it's a two-way street. Men generally aren't gutsy enough to just approach a woman without sensing some sort of positive vibe from the woman, which gives them a clear signal. The attraction that may or may not result after a conversation is usually then left to chemistry. Plenty of men are not interested in a woman after getting to know her. Anyway, I don't think that this should be a reason for men to hesitate when approaching women. I guess a good way to look at it is that you never had her in the first place - so you lost nothing if shes not interested.....but potentially stand to gain everything if she is.