andromeda

I try to be compassionate, but I don't know, the main problem is my girlfriend's mom is somehow guilt-tripping my girlfriend into bending over backwards for her. The first sign I saw, before I moved in with my girlfriend, was that she--let's call my girlfriend "LO"--paid her mom's phone bill because mom didn't have the money for it. Of course, mom was eating a lot of junk food and getting takeout on a semi-regular basis. She told me to butt out of it, and she was right. LO's mom had an operation, nothing serious, but the family saw it as such, and LO's mom's capacity for drama made it seem a lot worse than it was. LO's mom's 'pain', I see, pops up at times when LO hasn't visited for a few days. Otherwise, she's fine. Now that I've moved in with LO, the dynamic seems to be that the child--LO--has become the parent, taking care of mom over her own needs. I don't feel I can mention it, because the only mention I did make to LO--which was for her to stop buying mom expensive gifts or stop complaining about not having enough money--was met with a hostile, protective look from LO herself. I see the dynamic--guilt from past wounds (a rough childhood for LO) causing the whipped dog (LO) that keeps coming back to lick its masters' hand (mom)--because I went through it myself with my parents. As a side note, we've been together for less than a year, but our sex life has dwindled down to once a week or less. LO says it's because of all the stress, and I love her so I accept that. Now, there's the possibility of LO's mom having another curable illness, and I think she's already milking it. I can sympathize, because I would be scared, but I also see LO's mom is playing it up quite a bit. I can see it coming where it affects our relationship in more than the sexual arena, because her mom's concerns about money lead me to believe LO would have her eventually move in with us, or vice-versa. LO lived with her mom for more than 10 years, and moved out only eight months ago (I might add that she's well into her thirties, and was quite broken up about having to move out). Mom lives 10 minutes accross town. What can I do? Can I do anything? Is there a delicate way to put this, especially with this new illness?

I can tell you that I was on a similar path and that it gets better. I moved back to my hometown after a lack of career choices and found myself with only one friend. It got worse because he got a girlfriend and then I was all alone, with no car, and a temporary job, but... It got better. Why? Because I made it better. I know your options may seem limited, but you need to look into relocating. I had to and it made my life better. I'm not a millionaire now, and I am unemployed, but now--through taking chances and sticking up for myself--I have a great support system and am miraculously getting unemployment. And, although I'm a cynic by my very nature, I do believe that the next job I get will be better than the last. You haven't lost the identity you worked so hard to build. It's still within you. And guess what? You're going to study hard and pass the exam the next time it comes round. And if you don't, then you'll keep taking it until you do. A successful life isn't about giving up. It's about what you do with the time you have given to you. If you look at Abraham Lincoln's life, you'd see someone who basically got put down again and again... and got back up. He was even institutionalized, but I don't recommend that, because I sense just from the way you wrote your post and included everything that was essential that you're a smart person. You'll be okay. Just dust yourself off, stand up, and get moving.

I can tell you that I was on a similar path and that it gets better. I moved back to my hometown after a lack of career choices and found myself with only one friend. It got worse because he got a girlfriend and then I was all alone, with no car, and a temporary job, but... It got better. Why? Because I made it better. I know your options may seem limited, but you need to look into relocating. I had to and it made my life better. I'm not a millionaire now, and I am unemployed, but now--through taking chances and sticking up for myself--I have a great support system and am miraculously getting unemployment. And, although I'm a cynic by my very nature, I do believe that the next job I get will be better than the last. You haven't lost the identity you worked so hard to build. It's still within you. And guess what? You're going to study hard and pass the exam the next time it comes round. And if you don't, then you'll keep taking it until you do. A successful life isn't about giving up. It's about what you do with the time you have given to you. If you look at Abraham Lincoln's life, you'd see someone who basically got put down again and again... and got back up. He was even institutionalized, but I don't recommend that, because I sense just from the way you wrote your post and included everything that was essential that you're a smart person. You'll be okay. Just dust yourself off, stand up, and get moving.

You're doing the right thing by going out with other girls. You need to take care of yourself. I can't analyze your situation, but it sounds a lot like the one I used to have. I don't even know the reason for the breakup (mine was another man, and it didn't play out, which was why my ex wanted to stay in touch with me). If you were ever friends without being--or wanting to be--lovers, you could keep contact. If one of you can't go back to being friends without getting that nagging itch when you see him/her with a new person, then don't keep contact. It kills me sometimes that I can't keep contact with my ex, because I did care once. But then I think about how the new info will affect me, and, well... The past is the past. Let it go. My new girlfriend doesn't satisfy all my wish list, but she does satisfy the most important things on it. The things that last. You will be happy again.

with Mr Kawabata. I still don't see concrete evidence of cheating. If I borrowed my friend's jeans and found a condom in the pocket, I'd throw it out. Especially if I was putting money in there. Your boyfriend can't and doesn't need to answer questions about his brother's actions. As for him not answering the phones at work: so what? He was busy and someone else answered it. My girlfriend doesn't always answer her work phones and has also had to change her schedule to go in on Saturdays, even when she had a set schedule. I still don't see a reason to be suspicious. Really. I'll be honest with you. If you're this suspicious and there's no tangible proof--and no past behavior or stories he's told about cheating to make you doubt him--then I think you either should talk to a professional or end the relationship. No one's asking you to be nice all the time. But it sounds like you need to be with someone who you're more comfortable with, who'll you just trust naturally. It does happen. It finally happened to me. No more reading journals, no more wondering where she is, no more being jealous of her hanging out with other people when she's not with me. Seriously. I've gone through this many times in the past. This is a lesson I've had to learn. Get some pro advice--not from an friend--or break it off.

...or just suspicion? Why do you doubt? That's where we start.

The job was in entertainment, and I was disparaging of some new clients--mentioned their names--they'd picked up, said something about that and some hearsay from another employee regarding company insolvency. This through an email in a chat room on company time. I am from a small town, and didn't know a lot about the internet. I did something wrong. It was stupid. And now I'm paying for it. But I have learned my lesson. I am appealing to unemployment, though. I don't know what'll happen, but the bosses told me when they called me in to ask about it that they didn't want to fire me or ruin my life, but that I should go home for the day and think about it over the weekend. I even asked what I could do to make amends, but they just had me go home. I thought I would have a job Monday, would get a reprimand, and would be allowed to make a formal policy. But the boss called me in and said: "I'm going to have to let you go. We'd keep you, but you're in a highly visible position, people here will know what you did, you'll know, and eventually you'll just go looking for another job in a few months, anyway. We'll give you good references to other employers." So, that's that. I really don't think it's wrongful termination, since I admitted to my guilt. I'm appealing on the grounds that it was a one-time incident, that I had a good work record with them until then, and that their behavior led me to think I would only be reprimanded.

This is all really good advice. I have been really punishing myself over this. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I try to be a good person, but something in me snapped. Yes, it was one incident. I was a good worker up until... When they let me go, they said they were puzzled because no one had anything bad to say against me. They even gave me two weeks' severance and said they would give me good references, which is why the denial of unemployment is puzzling. I'm wary of taking the no-benefits jobs because, while I know they're not a career, my resume is already spotty enough--as a grad student, I had about five jobs in the past five years. Employers have remarked on my record. Today, I'm going in to another temp agency and asking for temp-to-hire positions. I've gone into two others but, after promising a lot of work, they never found me anything. And they're still advertising all these jobs that fit my qualifications--when I call, they say they don't have anything but they'll keep looking. And this is a bigger temp agency. Now, I have another question: once I do get something temp-to-hire, how difficult would it be for me to relocate from Los Angeles to Orange County? Should I find an apartment to share, since a landlord might question me working for a temp agency? Any suggestions? My girlfriend lives there--her apartment is too small and she just moved away from her mother and wants some time alone. She's told me I can crash there until I get my own place after finding something permanent, but I'm not sure how well that will work out. I have to give my landlord notice really soon, too; we're coming up on the First really fast... I just want to thank everyone again, and when I'm back on my feet again, if there's anything I can do to help, let me know and I'll sure try to.

Long story short, I got caught badmouthing my company in an email and they let me go. I can't get unemployment because they won't let me have it because I was fired for misconduct on company time. It was a stupid thing to do, but I've learned from it and will never do it again. Now, I'm looking for another job in an entirely different field, and my direct supervisor from the job I got fired from is giving me good references. I have been given some offers for jobs with acceptable pay but no benefits. My girlfriend and most of my friends say hold out for something better where I'm happy and the whole package is good, or my unhappiness will cause me to be looking for a job in two years or so. Fact is, although my parents are giving me money to pay bills (a fact that I hate), I keep thinking that these jobs I'm not accepting are the boats and helicopters, and I'm the man on the roof, with the floodwaters rising around me, if you know that story. Are they giving me good advice? Why does it feel so bad to turn down a job because the money or benefits aren't good enough? I'm getting into my mid-30's, live alone, and want to settle down in everything, especially a career. Help!

...to have all these doubts. There's no set time clock to when to say "I love you" because it's a feeling, not a mechanical response. When and if it is time to say it to this guy, you'll know. You won't think about it; it will be a purely emotional response, a feeling of security. Three months is a relatively short time to speak of love, and he may be overly emotional, in love with the feeling of being with someone so agreeable. It's okay to have doubts and it may take a while before you trust things, especially after coming off such a bad relationship. So don't run your growing relationship on an egg timer. And don't let yourself be pulled along. If you do enjoy being with him, just be with him. If you don't think you're ready, articulate this (I think you have already). If you don't feel for him period, then state that, as well. I hope this helps.

...as to what activities you enjoy that you could not partake even having a family. Dating other people? Travelling? And how long have you had these warning signs? From the beginning, or just lately, when a definite commitment seems to be a necessity? This is indeed a momentous decision, just as your decision to get involved with this woman should have been. But I understand your reasons. You sounded lonely, like some stability (hence a family) would re-ground you and let you pick up the pieces. Fine. But now you have a big decision: do you really love her? Can you compromise these things, or is their pull too great? Will you decide after doing these things, possibly, that they weren't worth it afterall. Best you should talk with a professional therapist as soon as possible. Not only do you have one life in your hands, but three. Do it for them, please.

You didn't offend. Thank you.

I'm on an online personals site since February that I've been using to hopefully find that significant other someday. I'm not especially good with meeting people and starting up a conversation from scratch, so this helps because they have facts about me, and vice-versa, and we can both hope-fully be ourselves. The problem: I finally met a girl I really like in person, and she says she can't see me again because I look too much like her old boyfriend, who I guess really hurt her. I loved talking to her, but her reaction was almost immediate and now she's not responding to phone calls or anything. This has happened before. I hit it off with a girl online, met her, and she said she couldn't see me because I looked too much like her separated-at-birth brother. That seemed lame, but I took her word for it. Outside of getting a face job, what do I do? I really like this girl--we've been talking for several months with no problem. Is this the New Excuse, rather than telling a guy he's not attractive?

You're not stupid for holding on. Everyone does. If you'd broken up with her, she'd be holding on. Take care.

Med school is tough and intense, no doubt about it. I lost my ties with a good friend when she began her internship. But enough about her. You have your answer in black-and-white, and it's no good to try and mindread what she's saying, because you'll never know what she really thinks, and without a definite answer (which you'll never have), you'll go mad. I had to seek counseling because I became so obsessed with finding out why my ex went astray. Don't do it to yourself. You have the answer to your questions, and it's "no." Move on; if it's right, she'll come back and declare her love (yes, she will; many friends have seen this happen, but they moved on and dated. After two months? you say. Yes. And it didn't mean they didn't care, they just wallowed in pain and uncertainty and knew it was a vicious circle they had gotten trapped in). 1) Go on Salon. This is a personals site for intelligent people, and it's free to put a profile up. Look for girls who want "friendship", too. That's the best way to start. You don't have the pressure of dating, and if you find you want to eventually, you can state your case. Best of both worlds, pal. Believe me. Just having a woman in your company to pal around with helps. It helped me immeasurably, and though I still have pangs from time to time--my ex still calls and wants to be friends, but wants to cuddle, too--I find it easier to be with other women. 2) What did you do for fun before you met her? Take it up again. I know it's hard because you'd built a life around having her in it. I did, too, but swallow your sadness and get angry if it helps. Not violent, just angry. And be proactive in those things that give you pleasure and make you feel fulfilled. Hopefully, the next time I hear from you, you'll have told me you put your profile up on Salon. Look around on the site. And go for women looking for friendships first. It'll help, buddy. I promise. Be well. andromeda