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simulacra

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  1. Care to share your breakup stories, suggestions, and opinions, good or bad? As with many other things in life, there are good and bad ways of handling situations. This applies to whether you are the person doing the breaking up , the one on the receiving end, or even in a mutual decision. I just wanted to hear what people had to say on this topic... as experiences are always good to learn from....
  2. Comment noted about her loving those guys too. (I didn't catch that when I read it) I still think that people's criteria for love are not the same. When you love someone (in a marriage or otherwise) it doesn't always necessarily mean you love them over your own needs or your own self. IF that were the case, we would all be telling battered spouses to stay in abusive relationships, wouldn't we? Anyhow, when you love someone, you also must think for yourself. And in this case, she is probably only thinking for her own self good. So while she may be cheating and treating her husband with disrespect in doing so, she can still feel that she loves him and is attached/attracted to him emotionally. If you are saying she doesn't really love her husband (because she's cheating on him, or treating him badly) then by that same argument, she also doens't love those two guys because she's disrespecting them too. It's kind of a circular argument, really.
  3. I agree there is probably some sense of dependency/security there, and probably a lot of other things in the relationship besides love that is keeping her. Those elements of their relationship may also contribute to her feelings of love. So that's why I say you can't really judge how or why somoene feels love. I don't think she says she loves those other guys (they love her, they claim).
  4. Firstly, I think it is possible for you to feel that you love your husband. Who is to judge, really, on what love means to a person. We all love someone in our own ways and by our own standards. I think everyone is reacting strongly to your post because you are married, and marriage, for the most part, is a chosen committment. It is not as if you were forced into it (ie. arranged marriage), so it was a choice on your part. And because it was your choice (and his) you should see that you have made a committment of monogamy to him and uphold that committment. That being said, if you weren't married and sleeping around, I think the opinions of people regarding your situation may be a bit more forgiving. My view?: regardless of how much you love your husband and how much he means to you, you are not ready to be his wife. You are not ready to be in a committed relationship such as that of a marriage. It's not only because you are too young to be married (which you may or may not be the case; that is yet another opinion), but your whole outlook and sense of responsibilty. You are still in the mindframe of taking care of your own needs first and foremost. That is the mindframe of a person who is single and wants to experience all they can in life. That mindframe is fine - just not when you are in a marriage. You should strongly consider being honest to your husband about everything: your actions, your feelings, your needs. You should get counselling if you want to change for the better or make a real adult decision to let him go because you cannot be what he should have of you in this marriage.
  5. First off, I think it's really great that you can have that comfort level in your current relationship to be open with each other about those sorts of things. Your boyfriend sounds very understanding, mature, and confident of his love for you and of himself. I think he does understand your feelings of curiosity and that's why he says it''s okay. It's human nature to be interested in lots of different things (and people, for that matter). The dilemma, however, still remains. You love your boyfriend and you want to spend your life with him, but at the back of your mind, what if this new guy is great and you are meant to spend your life with him instead? The feeling of possible regret is that if you don't pursue something, you will never know. My view on this situation is to look from within your current relationship. Are there existing problems that are serious enough to warrant a breakup or do you forsee possible issues in your future together? Are there any doubts you have about the relationship working out? If you do have doubts , then that's an indication that there is something within this relationship that needs to be worked on or sorted out. It could also be an indication that the new attraction is/isn't worth pursuing. If you find that you are completely happy about your current relationship and the prospects of it continuing into the future, then you should somehow find a way of forgetting the new guy. I personally don't believe in relationship breaks and open relationships. I think if you're in a situation where you want to experiement, you should just be mature enough to let the other person go (if not for yourself, then definitely for the other person's sake). And whether or not the experiements turn out or not, you should just move on. You made the decision to move on, so you should let them move on too. One other thing you might want to do for deciding how to move forward is this: is there a possiblity of becoming friends with the new guy? Maybe involve other friends or even your boyfriend (if you can all agree to it). Sometimes when we don't know someone that well, we tend to fill in the gaps (good or bad). In this case, you may be filling those unknowns with a lot of positive fantasies and thereforeeee making him more attractive in your eyes. When you get to know him better as a friend, you may find that he is not all that you imagined him to be...
  6. I think when there are things that you can't accept about your partner (ie. his/her choice of friends, or some bad habits, etc), and you want them to change for the better (in your opinion), it is not necessarily because you want to be controlling or change them into the mold that you think is "perfect." What happens in a longterm relationship with someone that you do love and respect and care about is that you grow with them and you do want them to be the best they can. This is almost a bit like parents who are protective or strict on their kids. You have opinions and voice them because you see certain behaviours as having negative impacts on their lives. This difference of opinion (ie. you not liking his friends, him wanting to hang out with them) in your situation probably reflects your care for him. You think he's wasting his time with these "loud girls" and maybe other aspects of your relationship or his life are suffering because of it. If he chooses to leave you because of these friends, then I think there's not much you can do about it. It's not like you're giiving him an ultimatum; he's the one escalating it to that level. So iif he chooses them over you, it probably is for the best because as you have said so yourself, this issue is a big strain on your relationship already. I don't really see how it can be resolved through compromise because it involves your respective feelings towards those girls... and those are hard to change.
  7. Your mother's email/letter sounds very sincere and very typical of what parents' perspectives might be. They are your guardians, and they will see things from a certain protective bias. Something to try: If your parents and your family have seen these "things" or instances of Justin dragging you down or mistreating you, ask them to tell you what they are >specifically Try clarifying those instances up for them, or cite instances where he has made positive differences in your life.
  8. I agree that going in the direction of marriage when you both acknowledge the said problem may become problematic later on. This "domesticated" love is symptomatic of a longterm relationship. The care is there. The intimacy is there. The everyday compatibilty is there. But sometimes the euphoric, uplifting emotions are clouded by everyday burdens. There should, however, still be moments when you just long for him/her, or think to yourself, "I really really love him/her and I love what we have." Those are the moments when you realize that you are in love with the right person. Ask your girlfriend if she has those intense moments, or is it all just very blase almost? What about when you are intimate? I would find it very hard to be kissing someone and be feeling nothing. One suggestion I do have is to take a trip together. Plan something nice. It can just be a weekend trip, but one where you are free of stresses and away from everyone else. I find that is always a good way to rekindle romance in a relationship.
  9. You know best what you need in order to heal. If you feel that you will get over him better by not having contact, then that's what you should do. Some people really just need the distance apart to allow them to get their lives back and to refocus on themselves. If you have decided to move on, cutting off contact for a while may be a good thing, especially if you've already explained things to him calmly and he has some sense of closure at this point. It is very painful and takes some getting used to at the beginning, but a year or two from now, you'll be okay with everything. And depending on how good your friendship is/was, you may even be able to stay friends after all the wounds have healed.
  10. I would be extremely cautious, as losing a lot of blood can be a dangerous thing. If you are also feeling woosy and the bleeding continues for a long time, I would go back to your doctor and get checked out. They usually tell you that it takes a few months to get regular etc, but sometimes it is just a matter of you reacting badly to that particular brand of pill. The doctor can easily switch you to a different brand. A similar situation happened to me and I ended up passing out a few times because I lost so much blood.
  11. Is there a possibility that he might be having some health issues that he is embarrassed to bring up with you?
  12. I would give it some more time. You may think you so much about this person in this short time, but if you really felt secure with the idea of meeting him (as a potential date or just as a friend) then you wouldn't have any doubts or fears as you do now. I say talk to him some more online. Maybe in a month or so you will be more comfortable with meeting him alone in person. Also since you are still pretty young, I would suggest you meet him somewhere with a lot of people like a local restaurant (since you two live so close). I think when you are completely comfortable with meeting up with someone that you've been talking to online, you won't feel the same doubts or concerns you feel now. So just take it slow.
  13. Timing is definitely an important part of love and relationships. Along with learning about yourself and the other person, making decisions and having things feel "right" is all tied to timing. I think this kind of stuff happens all the time. The key making a relationship work is to be able to work with the other person and compromise so that things do feel right and the timing/balance of feelings, predicaments, issues etc that are involved in the relationship can all go together. Not all relationships can work out (sadly not even the ones where you feel so much love). But hopefully the important thing you can always take away with every experience is that you are learning something and you can grow because of and with the person you love in whatever timeframe you have with him/her.
  14. Going by the rhythm method, you probably aren't pregnant. The lateness could be due to stress or it could be psychosomatic. Try not to have unprotected sex as you will only increase your chances of getting pregnant and when you do so repeatedly, it will be hard to judge when you might or might not be pregnant even if you get your period. If your period still hasn't come, you should defintely get it checked out and probably also as your doctor about contraceptive methods if you are going to have sex with your boyfriend from now on. Good luck.
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