mylolita

I’m going out on a DATE TONIGHT! I’m as excited as eighteen year old me, and there are just as many clothes strewn about my feet and bedroom floor as first date me too. Some things never change. The logistics have a bit though! D has taken the girls out this afternoon so I can rest. Rest and dress. Two of my favourite things! But I’m not resting. What I’m doing is drinking, dancing, trying on 1000 dresses to decide on the same formula I always do with tweaks… and cleaning, and more drinking, and more waltzing. I always get that nervous, butterfly feeling. I hope he likes what I’m wearing. I hope I look nice tonight. I hope the bar has gin and tonic! It does it does it does! What coat goes with this?! All of the usual! Sixteen years in and I still jitter trying to impress him! x

In the last house, no sooner did six years finish - a full scale renovation, three children and a first buy, but the dust just settled, and we adored, congratulated, and for all but one minute, then we were out. All the personal objects, the collections, curations of art, had hardly a chance to be hung and displayed. The place had a minimal feel, like a blank gallery waiting for the display and spot lights! The best thing about this house, is we are just starting to properly settle. Personal and tender objects permeate the surfaces. A memory here, a portrait there; an album surrounded by books, an antique vase, shell bound trinket boxes. And my Grandfathers wooden boat he so expertly made, now sitting, played with by the kids, on the wooden bath rack. x

I had a strange little dream this morning. I’d already been woken up once by the kids, and lulled back into a deep, warm sleep, their chirpy squeals and chatter fading out into a distance tunnel. I was in the car park of a large retail park I go to now and then. I could hardly move, I was so stiff and bent over. My arms were contorted off at different angles, and my fingers riddled with the knots of arthritis. I just could not straighten up, I was trudging through treacle, I couldn’t get anywhere fast between the tightly parked sea of cars. I decided in my mind to make the best of it and force myself to sludge through and pretend I was walking normally, even though I resembled Quasimodo - then no one would notice. I see coming along from my right, down the central parking buffer where the pavement is raised, a tall, dark, angular, modelesque looking young man. He had dark sunglasses on and clean, swept back hair. He was striding forward, simply dressed in a navy t-shirt and dark blue jeans. I could feel my face burning at the idea of me, in my crippled state, giving the obvious impression that I thought he was very attractive. He held my gaze whilst still walking towards me for along time. My cheeks felt redder and redder, and then he said, casually and confidently, “It’s 6:30am, if you were wonderin’ what time it is.” A little smile came about his face, I swear he even threw a wink, before I could even reply, I was stumped, and then suddenly I saw him heading back the other way to large crowds, mostly of women. They were openly adoring him in a way a famous person would be lavished. Phones out, some were trying to take photos. And he had a sponge in his hand, and his car, in the middle of the gaggle of fans, was a dark navy Porsche. One of the 4x4 types, and he’s about to wash the thing in public and everyone is crowded around to see the show. I try for an eternity, maybe half a year, to make my way through the forest of cars. I can barely move still, and I can’t for the life of me raise my head. I struggle towards a huge supermarket I used to walk around with my parents - Marks & Spencer’s. I think to myself, if I can get upstairs to where the women’s clothes are, I can hide in a changing room. But then, by a large display of make-up and costume jewellery stand, are two old school friends who I fell out with massively and never spoke to again after I got married and had the kids. The embarrassment and nerves only lasted a split second, then I decide I would too fake it and they would believe nothing had happened between us. So I say, picking up a deep plum eyeliner, “Y’know girls, look at this purple liner?! I heard it really brings out green eyes.” It magically turns into a sparkly mixture within the tube. The two ex friends are agreeing and saying hi and smiling at me. And I go to open the lid. They look at me with disapproval, because I’m about to open a brand new liner and draw it across the top of each eyelid. I would have done it if alone, but I felt the social moral pressure radiating from the blonde pair. I pause and, moving as if still in treacle, popping the top back on, for face value, add, “I won’t do that though because, someone might want to buy it.” x

I am most definitely the “adoree”. To use other dating and mating terminology, I most definitely, definitely, live in my husbands frame. And that’s absolutely perfect amazing to me. I get to continue a first romance like love obsession, but up close and personal, whilst also being at the same time - afar. I surrendered to a feeling and just, simply, never stopped. If I were left ruined without anything all in the next year, I wouldn’t change one thing. As I get older, I realise the emotional intensity that I have sometimes cursed and revelled in is a ride not many people get to hop on. So I thank my lucky stars that there was an Angel over my shoulder the night I met you, and Cupid never left. I suppose if I were a Renaissance painting, there would be the tiniest hole from his arrow right above my heart, an open reminder - never healed! To truly love is to be in pain. It sounds like turmoil and, it is turmoil. You might know what I mean one day. x

The problem with me is, when I like something, I really like it, and, I want to do it all the time. Incessantly, obsessively - taken up with the whole thing. I want to sit around and drink coffee all day. Water constantly boiling every half hour, the smell of grinding beans never leaving the house. I can start at 6am and not stop till the next morning. It hardly feels like much time has passed at all. I could sit and talk with one person while the sun fell behind moving clouds, the shadows changed along the walls, abs the freshness of an early morning steadily transformed into a sleek night. Between winding in obligations, responsibilities, I can orientate myself around one spot, one eternal feeding of the open fire, looping round and round, the low jazz melting into a trance like sound track. And I’ll read, or write in parts, or like today, lose about three hours because an auction catalogue came through the post and, all at the same time, delighted my day and absolutely ruined it in one plonk of the brass letterbox. And I’m not sorry one bit - not at all! x

For any gardening, driving, dancing, relaxing, resting and dressing! @yogacat! 🎼 x

—- “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night” — x

Taking trips down teenage memory lane and teenage memory boxes 👁️ 👞 Scribble scribble x

Cheers Yoga!!! Y’know, I honestly can’t remember! I think I was about 14 when I scribbled that. Probably was copied or inspired by seeing something: at that point I was into 1920’s female brooding make-up. I was obsessed with the blunt bobs, plum Cupid bows tiny lips and the drawn eyes and brows! It’s something along those lines! Someone who should be called “Lois” probably 🤣 But thanks Yoga! x

Apologies, just read Bene you are 20! Still so young! Most guys are still boys at this age and have nothing to offer women, not in stability or resources or even personality - some men are very impulsive and also hot headed just out of their teens. Try and relax into yourself, keep on and try enjoy yourself, get out there, get off the dating apps. I think you’ll be just fine. x

Afternoon Bene! Sorry if I have missed this, but can I ask how old you are? You still sound quite young? I think men have an easier time once they become a bit older and established! Many men find their dating opportunities and serious offers expand more into their late 20s, 30s through to their 40s. This is generally because by this point; a man may have been able to secure somewhere long term to rent or buy, be in an established and stable career and generally has a bit more life experience under his belt. I would become disheartened but I would say, your gut reaction to dating apps in 2024 is not uncommon and I personally would try to get off being online as much as possible, simply go about your life, work towards personal goals be that education or work or fitness or hobbies or a mixture of all and, build your castle, enjoy your life, expand on your confidence and you will probably find the tables turn! x

And @dias I know it sounds like a trite platitude and, it might mostly be. But you really don’t ever know. You can look at odds and chances for everything. I actually have come to realise in maybe a cynical way but also maybe it’s a… truthful, liberating thing - that most people, the majority, can’t have it all. Someone once said, you can have it all, just not all at once. I can’t remember where I heard that. You find people doing well in their careers but yet, their family or personal love life is not so great. Or vice versa. Or people got the money and objects they wanted but now they’re stressed. Life is drastically bitter sweet, in my opinion. The spice with the sugar, the sweet with the sour. Something’s gotta give. I mean, death is kinda a fly in ya ointment isn’t it 🥲 What can you do? I was out today with the girls and, I happened to see just, the cutest baby I’d seen in many years. This baby was objectively, SCRUMPTIOUS! All the Mums were trying to hold her. I could hardly take my eyes off her! And I was struck with this broody ness I haven’t experienced since before my youngest was born! And I was suddenly thinking back to how cute they all were, how delicious! And I found myself wanting more! As if I haven’t already got enough? I even got back home and mentioned it to D and asked him how he’d feel about a fourth. I knew he wouldn’t be automatically saying yes like the other three - I was right. I think we’ve finally settled. I’m 34 as well. But anyway, there is always this “gimme more, there could be better-ness!” urge. Whether you find someone or you don my Dias is really up to mysteries of the universe. Chance and, timing and all of that. There are many ways to be happy. I could choose to be happy so much - but often, I choose to lament. It’s a state of mind. I kid myself into thinking I “only need this last one thing” like a drug addict consoling their “final and last hit before sobriety” and, Y’know, the satisfaction never fully comes. Human nature?! Or being an ungrateful spoilt brat?! Probably the last part for me! 🥹 The people fatigue is very relatable. I used to come home as a 14 year old girl from house parties, annoyed to hell, and write scathing half satirical half serious hit pieces and character assassinations about everyone who had annoyed me that night. I even used to laugh out loud reading it back sometimes! The teenager in me still basically does that - LOL! Obviously never grew up or matured! People can be amazing, the best. They can also be DRAINING and depressing. x

This scene, when I saw this film, I was about 15 I think and it summed up my feelings around that time, when I was in this limbo, waiting room phase. You might be able to relate… “As a girl you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day you look around and you see a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape.” x

Or solid chocolate in golden foil LMAO x