Mercutio

ChristinaCox, I'm sure you know as well as anyone that there is variance among sexual identity. Some lesbians can sleep with men from time to time and some guys can sleep with guys from time to time and still think of themselves as straight. Those who really don't have a preference, or only have a weak preference, go for the "bi" label. "guest" has identified herself as a lesbian. Obviously she's decided that being with a woman is a more satisfactory experience. Still, something in her new (boy)friend has led her away, at least for a time. The brain is a complex organ. Sometimes, no matter how things are wired, you get a result you aren't expecting. guest has realized this. Identity isn't black and white. As for equation of abuse with homosexuality, I assume you're speaking to me. My ex told me, the first time she was with a girl, that what she felt was incredible safety (and yes, lust). Given the specifics of her situation, I don't think that it's possible to discount the impact of past abuse. "Safety" isn't normally a word that pops in to most people's heads when they're about to have sex.

OK. Look at my post count, just slightly to the left of this text. It's a two digit number. Probably an indication of my problem. Here's the deal: I was in a single relationship for my entire life, from my teens up to just a few months ago (I'm 26). I have no friends whatsoever, and the closest I get to social interaction is talking to the middle-aged women I work with or posting on message boards like this one. My "ex" found a girlfriend (see the LGBT sub-board for details) literally within hours of deciding she wanted one. Amazingly, they've hit it off, and they're now planning a fifth date, and they spend their evenings on the phone together or chatting online... I'm the total odd man out. I can't even talk to my "ex" right now (who is also my best friend), because all she wants to talk about is how wonderful being gay is to her. I have deep social anxiety problems and no idea where to go besides bars to meet other adults. Add to that the fact that I'm very heavy (280lbs. or so) not very knowledable or interested in the things that most people usually talk about (sports, popular music etc), and what I see is that I'm about a half-step away from being a complete hermit. I really want to believe that the good things my "ex" saw in me are really there. I want to think I could make someone else happy, or at least be interesting enough to talk to. I *need* to get out of my apartment and into some kind of life besides work... but I have no idea what to do. Can anyone help?

OK. If you can see that, cut yourself down. Seriously. Not that it's a competition. It just gets to be a bad habit. Another thing: If you cook, take responsibility for what's going in the pot. If she does, try to pay a little attention to what she's cooking with. When I first learned to cook I would do stupid stuff like use an entire stick of butter, 'cause that's what the recipie book called for. I didn't know I could get away with a quarter of that. Buy extra-lean meat and eat a lot more veggies and fruits. Use reduced fat stuff for awhile. And get off the couch and do things. Go hiking or dancing or something where there's an excuse to be active and to spend time with each other. See if that helps. Good luck man, and for what it's worth, your SO still looks pretty damn good to me.

I'm a guy. I'm 26 years old and horribly introverted (shy). Let me tell you a couple things: 1.) "I love you" is a REALLY heavy statement. It may imply more to her than it does to you, and she may be more cautious about saying it because of some connotation in her mind. It can also take a while to get used to hearing. "I love you" is like a promise. It's not something to be said lightly. 2.) I spent years with my "ex" under much the same circumstance as you're in now, before we became romantic. I was *never* able to read her feelings. Maybe it's a guy thing or a defect in intuition (she seemed to think the latter). At any rate, she expected it and I just couldn't do it either. Women in the US are very much raised to not be vocal about the things that they want. Body language and facial expression become part of their communication, much moreso than the more-than-willing to vocalize their needs men. In short, you need to talk to her, ask her what she wants, if you can't figure things out on your own. She just might not have the make-up to tell you directly.

I think if it's something that's really important to you that your SO retain a slender figure, you should be up-front about it. Prepare to be called "shallow". I also think you should look at why she's gaining weight. Is she unhappy? Bored? Just not exercising? Does she keep up with you, bite-for-bite, portion-for-portion at meals? I weigh in excess of 280lbs and I gotta tell you, it's really, really hard to get anywhere once the spiral of weight gain has started. My (95lb) "ex" always told me that weight loss is something one has to do for oneself. For myself, I'd never take the first step. I never had any support in weight loss. She'd keep right on up with the fried foods and icecream while I tried to do unseasoned grilled chicken, and if she tried to exercise with me, she'd get upset that I couldn't keep up with her. So a sincere offer to help - grounded in concern for her healt - and a great deal of patience MIGHT be exactly what she needs.

All photographs have value, even if it's just to remember what your hairstyle looked like five years ago. Put another way: Hang on to what you've got. Put the ones you really like in a scrapbook, and re-evaluate the rest in five years. Maybe you'll look back at the time fondly. Maybe you'll realize how silly you were for wearing the clothes you wore. Or maybe you won't feel anything at all. If that's the case, maybe the pictures SHOULD find a new home. Photos capture a moment in time that will never happen again, and at the time someone thought that moment was worth capture. I'd say trust the photographer and keep them around. A neighbor of mine lives with her mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Photos to her have become an incredible treasure. I guess that's why I'm reluctant to advise tossing any photograph.

Thanks for the advice, by the way. I suppose it's just good to let some of this stuff out, even if I'm just dumping it on someone else. Is this the longest thread in these forums or is it just me?

I live close enough to Chicago to say I'm close, but going into the city is a PITA (she's intimidated by the crowds anyway). Anyway, the "life" I had just sort of happened. On accident. My "ex" (or SO, or whatever) actually wound up pursuing me for damn near six years before I was sufficiently convinced of her sincerity and interest to start dating (...and this was the girl I had a crush on all through school). We've been together for seven years since then. I'm just not a person who pursues non-professional human relationships, otherwise. That's a huge flaw in my character, I'm sure. If she does find someone then I say "mission accomplished". If she doesn't, I'll be there to stand her back up and dust her off, so she can get back on the rollercoaster. Call it commitment or devotion or idiocy, that's what I'm here for. Eventually, either way, I end up back at work. I guess in my mind the thing I feel like I should do is to stay until she can honestly say she doesn't need me any more. Moving on before that would be, at least to me, abandonment. Maybe that's wrong too. Anyway, I have zero interest in meeting anyone else. My interests, such as they are, aren't exactly ways to meet other young people anyway.

My SO was sexually assaulted at a party when she was 13. She'd been drinking and apparently some sicko decided it would be fun to rape her. The only thing more I know is that her attacker was adult and male. I don't know the specifics of what happened to her, but that it took her a couple years of being sexually involved with me before performing oral sex on her (my favorite!) became even possible. We never had pentetrative intercourse. Technically, I am still a virgin, since she's the only girl I've been with and she never wanted to do it (you don't miss what you never had). She has also told me that ALL insertion is painful. She's never had any counseling about the assault, nor a pelvic examination (she's a med student, though). I've tried to get her to do those things, but she insists that she just CAN'T. At the moment, the status of our relationship is "friends". I live with her. I went out and bought a mattress and sleep in a different room, and I'm trying to help her find whatever it is she needs to be happy. We're trying to find her someone willing to, um, help her experiment, but she thinks there's a backlash to her based on her age (26 - too old for the college girls and a bit too young for the life-long crowd) and the fact that she's not all-out with her lifestyle yet (still in the closet, lifelong boyfriend... her only gay "cred" seems to be a collection of Melissa Etheridge/Melissa Ferrick albums). She DOES get hit on a lot by women, but unfortunately not the women she wants. Anyway, she's been disappointed so far. I have no idea, other than internet personals and local organizations (the Pride community center, PFLAG, the local bar), how to help her with that. I know the two main stresses for her are coming out and finding some way to "experiment". She's told me at different times that she won't do a one-night stand and that she's not interested in a relationship. I really don't understand what she wants in that case. Wouldn't multiple encounters with someone count as a "relationship", at least on some level? She's been extremely disappointed so far in reaching out to other women. Anyway, mostly I'm hanging around and trying to get her to keep trying things and making herself available. My "gay" SO isn't very gay if her closest experience is watching dirty movies or "Will and Grace". That and keeping her spirits up when people say stupid things to her (amazing how often straight people use the word "gay" to describe something they don't like). As far as needs go... I guess I'm kind of strange. My life is my job and my SO. When I look up from my computer, the only thing that's important or even interesting is her. Before her, the whole world was the computer (well, and music, but that's something I'd have with or without her, too). My plan is to see her through to some kind of resolution in her new life, then to return to what I had before, basically an insane work life. I'm not someone who really has friends or any interest in socializing (I have pretty bad social anxiety, truth be told), so I figure when I've finished helping my "ex" move on, I'll go back to that and let everything fall back to the way it was.

Of course, reading that again, it like of looks like I think being a gay woman is a phase or something. That's insensitive and not what I intended.

Do you read Dan Savage's advice column, "Savage Love"?. Anyway, Dan Savage (a gay guy who mostly writes a sex advice column mostly for straight people) has made the observation that many of the lesbians he's known in his life still have the occasional experience with guys, and in some cases even re-orient. I think that's at least a part a load of crap. So is the hormone thing. But then I hear about things like Lesbian Bed Death . which is a concept that's at least familiar enough to get 100's of good hits on google, and I start to wonder whether the whole thing is really sexual (it is for my ex, at least right now), or if there's some deeply-rooted desire for a more loving companionship than a man could provide (I'm told by my "ex" that I couldn't've been more loving or understanding, though). Or something. Anyway, you've chosen to be with girls for a reason. So I think you should point that out to your SO. You've probably dealt with all the crap that goes along with coming out. I've see a bi-guy trying to explain a relationship with a woman to gay friends... it's a weird thing and they didn't understand. Going back into the straight world will be costly, at least in terms of the friends you've made who share your lifestyle, probably even including your girlfriend. Would it be different if it were a guy, for me? Um... maybe. I think if the object of her desires was a man I'd have a chance of getting her back someday. As things stand, my ex is telling me she loves me a lot but what she really wants to do sexually are all the things I did to her (ie, I don't have the right parts). As far as acceptance, that's something my ex and I argue about. She's in a period that's very similar to what I went through at 14 - 15... she's blatantly staring at every cute girl that walks by (and she thinks they can't tell), can't hold a thought while a victoria's secret commercial is on, that sort of thing. She's staring. Guess what? The ladies don't seem to mind. My SO is a good looking girl, and I see a lot of girls showing off for her - seriously. Sign of the times, maybe. Me, on the other hand: fat white guy, thick glasses, totally introverted, pasty as can be... when I look I get sneered at. Judged. So which of us is more accepted? Far as things go, I can seriously see where your girlfriend is coming from. I can see your side, too, but it doesn't change the advice I have for you. You need to do the right thing as a person first, *then* worry about where your heart leads you.

The term you're looking for is "polyamory" - essentially having more than one intimate relationship at a time. It's something I really wish my "ex" would consider as well (she doesn't think it's fair to me for us to be in a relationship if she's wanting to have sex with women). Just the joy of being "bi", I suppose. I'd suggest taking a couple weeks away from both of them while you sort things out. Let both of them know what's going on, too. It's not so much that "honesty is the best policy" as getting everything in the open will at least get the hurting done in one go. When my ex told me she was for-sure bi, it had been a long time coming. She started telling me about dreams first, then later that she "needed space", and later on that the reason she needed space was that she had an orgasmic experience from a kiss by another girl. I would far rather have heard about the kiss when she started talking about the dreams ('cause that's when it happened, but she didn't do it that way... so I thought I was persevering for hope, but in reality I was just persevering for more pain. Anyway: Honesty, honesty, honesty. Get a little space, and decide what you really want. You probably won't get both of them, but I'll bet you can salvage a relationship with one or the other at least.

Hi. I'm a straight guy trying to deal with a bi or possibly gay girlfriend. I guess from my standpoint, I can very easily see your lover's side of things, so this is what I'm going to tell you: Be honest about what you want. Boys and girls. A relationship that's open enough to allow the occasional diversion or a commitment that gets you a warm bed and someone to come home to at night. Or both. If your steady can't handle that, you'll either need to reign in your desires or find a steady who can. Let me tell you, it's tough to hear, sitting on the other side, but some lovers really will understand. The other thing I'll say is, be safe. I'm not going to lecture about it, but if you aren't telling her what you're doing with the men in your life, at least keep a layer of latex between him and any body part you want to keep the rest of your life. There's nothing worse than finding out the person you love (whoops) accidently gave you genital warts or something (actually happened to a friend of mine) because of an urge they couldn't control.

Everyone is different. If you're not satisfied, tell him and let him know you'll be taking other measures to seek your pleasure. If he wants to be involved, let him, and maybe he'll come around. My ex and I made love maybe once a week. I wanted her more or less constantly. Turned out the reason was that she was more interested in other girls than in me and just couldn't work up the excitement (despite the fact that she *does* find me sexually stimulating) to do anything more.

Let me start by saying that I'm a guy. When you've had an orgasm, you WILL know it. Period. Sex researchers say that the descriptions men and women use for orgasms are the same. There will be a rushing sensation around your groin, building up and then releasing through your whole body. If your release is similar to that, then you're probably on the right track. You should also know that orgasms vary greatly in intensity. If you have to ask, you haven't been there quite yet. The fluid discharge is NOT urine. "Vaginal Secretion" is in fact the correct term, and what it's made of is, in fact, "vaginal secretion". Ears have earwax. Vaginas have vaginal secretion (there are two types, actually, one made by the vaginal mucosa, which is continually present on a low level, and a second type that is produced during sexual arousal). It's normal and should occur whenever you're excited.