voltaire

Pacopaco - well I very much doubt if you'll have the same problems with your ex. In our case we had two kids, otherwise believe me she wouldn't have even heard of me. She was a twisted person, and everyone warned me when I got involved with her, but of course I wouldn't listen. She likes to cause destruction and does so in the lives of anyone near her, but after what happened back in 95 believe me I would never agree even to meet her again. Luckily for me my kids take my side in this. jaded4x5 - I think you should try and get counselling. This kind of insecurity actually CAN be overcome, and it's not that uncommon. See if you can find anything on sites on the internet - try typing in 'excessive jealousy' or 'excessive possessiveness'. But remember this trait is a relationship destroyer ultimately.

No she's not trying to get back with me. in fact i haven't seen her since about 1994 - and prior to that it was 1979. Not long after our meeting in 1994 she asked me to pay a £350 debt for her, which out of some misguided sense of guilt I did. She never even thanked me, but about a year later wrote again this time demanding £1200 and telling me she could be sent to prison otherwise. She wasn't, although she had committed fraud. I declined to give her anything, as her irresponsibility had always been limitless. Following this she spends quite a lot of time telling everyone how much she hates me. Fortunately we don't live in the same country.

Believe me my dear it will look absolutely beuatiful to whoever loves you.

Strange, but what you said there "it's weird, but she is the one person who scares me. I feel that if ever i spoke to her or saw her, she'd do or say something just to hurt me." is exactly how I feel about my first wife. She also cheated (although to be fair to her she thought she was leaving me permanently at the time) and then tried to come back, but I wouldn't go for it. She's a completely weak and non-violent person, but she frightens me, as there has always been a recklessness in her behaviour. I have only seen her once in the last 27 years, and that was once too often.

Just try again. There could be a million reasons. If she does the same again, just leave it.

You've got a decision to make. It may be that she'll yet reveal more. You have to decide whether this is not important in the big scheme of things, or whether it really matters enough that it's always going to get through to you. I was faced with the same decision a long time ago, and I made the wrong choice and ended up going through a divorce. So what I'd say is this - GIVE THIS RELATIONSHIP TIME BEFORE GETTING TOO COMMITTED.

Yes, well, being Irish myself I recognise some of the traits, even without the give-away slips. The first rule of staying out of rows is: don't engage. In other words don't raise your voice just because he does, don't say injurious things just because he does. Talk quietly and calmly. BUT, having said that he MUST accept that threats and abuse are NO WAY FORWARD, and you're right he must recognise that. Furthermore he should be grateful you contacted enotalone, as it shows that you want to sort things out. His bad temper is NOT YOUR FAULT.

My wife is like you, and to tell the truth it's a pain in the butt! Because I'm not rejecting her, I'm not uninterested in her, but I need a bit of space sometimes. I need time to do the everyday things of my life, to talk to other people from time to time. In fact when SHE wants to do something else, such as the internet or studying or talking to her friends, she thinks it's fine to ignore me - but she doesn't like it when I do it! Furthermore she has a tendency to prefer it when I'm at her beck and call. I don't know how to explain just how invasive, disruptive and disrespectful this kind of behaviour seems to me, but I think it's something to do with what they call personality boundaries, so maybe you should look that up. but trust your girlfriend when she says she's not trying to hurt or reject you - she just needs operating space.

Two points. First she is not being honest when she says that the breakdown of your feelings for each other are your fault. We must all take responsibility for our own feelings, and she must certainly take responsibility for the inflexible conditions she laid down. Second - you're 29 and you're frightened of not loving someone else? You make it sound as though your life expectancy is about 35. You have SO much time, please don't waste it in pointless regrets about a relationship which everyone seems to think you'll be better off without.

There's a few hints in the language of the e-mail that make it seem you and he are from the same country as me (Ireland). I'm glad my first post seemed to give you a constructive way forward. Reading some of his e-mail is not very encouraging however, and I'll tell which bits and why. "I used to square up to everybody and anybody but have learnt to walk away from these situations and kick and punch walls instead." It would be more constructive if he'd learned to control his anger properly. "Tempers aren't something you can simply turn on and off." Well, then he should try harder. " You chose to disregard my feelings and tried making out that it was my fault for being so grumpy about it. You had no interest in taking my feelings into account." You are maybe not taking into account that he doesn't react well to stress. "I always say that I will treat people with the contempt that they treat me and do believe that is how I deal with situations" he must also take into account YOUR feelings and the likely effet of his anger on relationship. "Sorry but I offering you no apology here" "but I do blame you for that." He could still apologise - it's better to be genuinely sorry than to be right all the time. Even if he just said "I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't mean to." "you cant control your gob at times and you pushed it to the degree it got to." Well, only YOU know if that's true or not. Now, where this man seems to be going wrong is that he's more interested in monitoring your behaviour and punishing you when he decides it's not good enough than in finding resolutions. That is not constructive. He makes a lot of accusations about you, too. Would you say he is correct?

You don't have to be frightened to refuse her - and tell her that if she persists you'll be forced to tell your parents.

Maybe you should talk again, and try this: say even if it IS your fault when he gets angry, that anger, threats and abuse are not the way to solve anything. Tell him he should try explaining to you reasonably what it is he thinks you've done wrong. Point out that two wrongs won't make a right, but by abusing you when he thinks you've done something wrong he's just getting revenge rather than trying to resolve whatever the problem is. If he can't respond to this approach then either he must get rage control counselling or maybe you'll have to think about your exit.

Abort. I had a brother who had (severe) Downe's syndrome. My mother struggled for a while then put him in a home. He had a completely pointless life, confined to a wheelchair for most of it, then died in his thirties. Another friend of ours had a lovely daughter who had mild Downe's syndrome. His wife had been killed in a car crash and he was bringing her up alone. He was a very nice man, but in his fifties when the daughter was only about 14. I often wonder what happened to that poor girl when he died.

I think you have to let her go. After all, SHE is the one giving you an ultimatum, SHE is the one threatening to end the relationship if you don't give in, SHE is the one who already has someone else lined up to marry if you don't abandon your own family, and SHE is the one who has already said that the main reason for this is that her parents want her to be married before she goes. Believe me, you are involved with a ruthless, uncaring, selfish person. Let her go - she doesn't care about you, your feelings or your family, and you will find someone much better.

Thanks again to all posters. Using insights gained from just about every post I talked at length to my wife, and we both seem set on a much better course at present. So far this is a success story! What is certain is that she does value our relationship. I think at heart she suspects that I don't anymore, which is what underlies these problems.