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  1. I think I just don't really understand how a D/s dynamic works. I was reading that novice Dominates often confuse being dominant with being controlling. But I don't understand the difference. I also don't know how to transition from our standard mode of romance into D/s. Do I get forceful with her (within limits)? Do I start talking down to her? And what's the difference between a submissive and a masochist? dominant and sadist? She has said she has masochistic tendencies. But I identify more with the term "dominant" than "sadist".
  2. I think my girlfriend wants our sex life to take on a more dominant-submissive type dynamic. She seems to want me to dominate her more (both in and out of the bedroom). She hinted at this for a long time. We discussed it openly on many occasions. But I think we're both confused as to how we want this to play out physically. I'm a fervent male feminist and believe strongly in equality in relationships. I'm very moody and can have a split personality (somewhat bipolar). In groups, I am often the leader and very dominant. But in one on one relationships, I am often submissive to the other person's energy. In the beginning of our relationship, she was very dominant sexually. For the first years of our relationship, I became so blinded by my love for her and became so symbiotic with her that my personality lost all of its weight. She also stopped being dominant. We eventually broke up before I realized what was happening to me. So I went to work on my self-esteem and recovering my personality. We gradually started dating again after six months apart. I've been more dominant, but it's still pretty even. I mean - I'm not letting her energy dominate me. But I'm not really dominating her. I know you might say that I should accept my submissive tendencies. But the truth it that I really don't like the person I am when I'm submissive. Our sex has been really good since we've got back together. And some of the dom-sub stuff is starting to mildly manifest. Like - I spank her during sex and have recently started pulling her hair. We both really like it a lot and have talked about it. We probably had the best sex of both of our lives last week. It was like fantasy sex for me. Last night we made a sex date and she casually alluded to my having sadist tendencies. Later, we started to have sex, but it started to become more "normal" and she quickly lost interest. I wanted to get more into the sado-masochist thing, but I feel very much in the dark about it. It's really appealing to me. But I can't seem to find much info on it. Everything I look up on the topic involves bondage and male-submissives. I don't really know how to go about this. I want to give her what she needs and I find the idea of dominating her in bed very sexy. But I'm afraid of taking it too far. She's very sensitive and I don't want to hurt her. The spanking and hair pulling obviously inflicts a level of pain on her. So where do you draw the line? And how do you take the domination to a more psychological level? Over the years, my she's displayed some masochistic tendancies. For example, on some occasions she's become so frustrated and angry that she punches herself really hard. She grew up with an abusive older brother and I wonder how much of her masochism comes from that. So I wonder if it's healthy to indulge these tendencies in her. I'm very much in love with her and do not want to jeopardize the health of our relationship. Can anyone help?
  3. Read Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence. It's a brilliant book and a beautiful one at that. It's about a situation similar to yours. Also, your wife sounds really depressed. I would suggest couples counselling. The two of you need to work together at this.
  4. Shadows Light said a northern gal and very much my own person. Hate the word feminist....has not so nice conotations sometimes. fem·i·nism (fĕm'ə-nĭz'əm) pronunciation n. 1. Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. 2. The movement organized around this belief. Just thought I'd point out the true definition of this word because it's a real shame that it's come to carry a negative connotation. I think more people would identify with this word if they knew its true definition posted above. And I say proudly that I, a mascualine and heterosexual male, am a feminist. Further, I don't think anyone who does not believe in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes could truly make a woman "weak in the knees" unless, of course, the woman is a masochist. I realize I'm not a woman and thereforeeee couldn't really know this to be fact, but I think you have to respect a woman as your equal if you're really going to make her feel sexy. You never know though. Some girls just really want to be dominated.
  5. I read in The Joy of Sex that alchohol enhances desire, but inhibits performance.
  6. One time my girlfriend and I were just watching TV when I had to leave the room for a second. I came back and sat down next to her not noticing that she had taken off her pants and underwear. Then she jumped on top of me, stradling me and kissing me very aggressively. It wasn't till then that I noticed she'd taken off her pants already. I guess I like aggressive girls. I think most guys do. Guys are used to being the aggressors and it drives us crazy (in a good way) when our girl is more aggressive than we are. On the flip side of that, teasing is always good too. hmmm - let's see.... - When he's on the phone with his mother or someone important, start going down on him. - Start going down on him in the morning before he wakes up. The trenchcoat thing sounds like a good one.
  7. Thank you all for so many good ideas. I do tell her often that I think she's beautiful and sexy and hott. But she told me recently that she absolutely hates it when people tell her she's beautiful. She says she hates when people compliment her. I can't believe I never thought of it like this, but she really does have confidence problems. I think you're absolutely right about being specific. I think I'm not specific enough when I compliment her. That makes a lot of sense. I really need to do that. I think this is brilliant too. So simple, but I never thought of it. I definitely should do this more. I'll make a conscious effort to do so. Iceman26 is right. She resents my compliments. But I think as RayKay and lisica have suggested: complimenting specific things and also pointing out real life comparisons might be what she needs. Thanks again, everyone. I think this will help.
  8. My girlfriend is not fat. She's athletic and proportional. But her weight fluctuates a lot. Sometimes when her work gets stressful and she doesn't have time to work out, she'll put on a couple extra pounds. I notice it, but don't mind it at all. I prefer her to be her normal weight, but would never complain or put her down. I hate how our society is so thin-obsessed. I just want her to be healthy and will love her no matter what. Anyways - when she puts on a few extra pounds, it makes her feel really unsexy and uncomfortable. I'm very tall and very thin and I don't have to work very hard at all to stay lean. I think she resents me for this. So it's really hard for me to make her feel sexy and turn her on during times like these. She complains that she has no frame of reference for what I think is sexy because I think she's sexy no matter what. If nothing is unsexy, then nothing is sexy. Understand? Any ideas on what to do about this?
  9. Amen! BTW - can anyone recommend some good literature or self-help on intmacy in relationships? I seem to be having the "i want it more often than her" problem. She used to want it constantly. I do agree that quantity can detract from quality. But I can relate to the feeling of rejection that SmintyMinty gets. It's not that I mind having sex less often. It's that she doesn't want it as often, especially compared to before. But I know I have a lot of trouble with intimacy and I think it's at the root of my promblem.
  10. I have this problem sometimes. It was only occasional for a while. Then it just turned into every time my girl gave me oral, it would take forever. Now it's gotten to the point where she rarely can finish me off without me jerking off or having sex. But recently I think I figured it out. Basically - while doing oral, it's really easy to over stimulate the important areas and desensitize them. The most sensitive part of the penis is right on the underside of the head. But i think if the orgasm doesn't happen by a certain point, I just become desensitized and it's really hard to come. My girl is really creative with it and it feels fricken amazing! But a lot of the time amazing does not equal orgasm. If she gives amazing head for too long with giving enough orgasm head, it doesn't have the desired result. So the important thing is not just to please him, but to please him while doing precisely the motions that will get him off. With all the licking, deep throat, and other stimulation that feels really great, there needs to be some good long periods off solid up and down with good tight suction. It's all about the combination. IF you're mouth is getting tired, than just say so and start using your hands until your mouth is rested. One anxiety I always get that makes me take longer is that I start to worry that my girl is getting tired and I feel pressured to come. Once a guy feels pressured to come, he's in trouble...especially during head. This is right on. Sex has to be relaxed and without pressure.
  11. I recently had a problem like this. And it depends on the brand. Basically, some brands are more stretchy than others. Most of them work fine. But I tried the more expensive Polyurethane (sp?) ones and they stretched out around me fine, but didn't hug back. They have lots of spermicidal lube inside and if the condom is not hugging the penis, it can slide off especially when her vagina is really tight. After having sex more than once, and having sex for extended periods of time, it's sometimes difficult to maintain a constant erection. Sometimes my erection will soften a bit depending on what position we're in and how the sex is going. Then it will harden again and I will finish. But once I've streched to condom to fit around my penis and then my penis softens, the condom is too stretched out to stay on tightly. All condoms seem to be approximately the same size with only very minor variation. They all work pretty well for me. Some are tighter than others. Some are too tight. Some not tight enough. A friend of mine claims to have a large penis and can't get a condom on without it breaking. According to all standards, I have an average size or maybe a little larger than average size penis. And I've often wondered what men with smaller than average penises do about condoms because they all seem to be fit for about average size. If you're smaller than average (which is nothing to be ashamed of - most girls will agree) then i think most condoms will be too big and keeping it on would be difficult. I've never really looked, but I've never seen condoms in the store labeled SMALL. But they must have them somewhere. Maybe shop online.
  12. This is a slightly different question, but pertaining to the same topic... When you are initiating sex, do you usually say so? or do you just get physical? I've always just gotten physical and made it obvious I wanted sex by putting my hand down her pants or up her shirt while kissing her very passionately. But I'm finding that she wants me to actually tell her what I want and that will get her going. I usually initiate sex and I've been getting frustrated that she does not. She used to. But recently she's told me that I don't tell her what I want and that if I did, it would turn her on. So I'm trying to do this now. But I was just wondering if it's like that with other people. Do you usually make a sort of verbal advance before you get physical? What do you say?
  13. For those of you who don't remember me, I was the guy who was with a girl for 5 years but got clingy and lost my identity to symbiosis and she consequently fell out of love with me. We broke up in mid- September and she was sleeping with someone new a couple weeks later. I spent the next 6 months whining here on LS and hanging out with my ex about once every week or two. I was trying to create pleasant moments between us, build rapport, and show her that I'm not really the person she fell out of love with but the real person I truly am underneath my clingy codependent funk. It worked. But she was too confused and depressed to get back together. She dated the other guy for about 5 months. He was delusional and thought he was in love with her and had marriage on the brain. The whole time they dated, he was extremely insecure about her relationship with me. According to her friends, he was obsessed with her and pursued her heavily before we broke up. He was super jealous of me from the get go. Then he held it over her. He knew she would dump him to get back together with me. So he gave her a complex about it. It made it difficult for her to be friends with me because (as she admitted at the time) was still in love with me. I made my feelings for her clear through my actions. But I was so obsessed with winning her back and employing the advice of everyone in such a sterile way that I somehow only vaguely revealed my intentions to her. So I was operating under the assumption that she knew I wanted to get back together. But I was a little too vague. When I finally made that clear to her (late january), she really freaked out. She felt horrible for what she had done to me. She felt horrible for what she was doing to the new guy. She was already super depressed and had been for over a year and a half. I didn't pressure her. I gave her all the space and time in the world to figure things out. A month and half went by (March 12) before she finally made it clear that it was over between her and the other guy, but that she wanted to be "not in a relationship" for a while. By then I was so confused and upset that she was still rejecting me that I knew I needed to not get back with her yet. It was clear that I had some issues to sort out. So we agreed to be just friends. So with all the pressure of getting back together out of the way, we were both significantly more comfortable with each other. This was crucial because I was able to observe her emotions and needs more effectively. I learned more about how to interact with her in a way that relieved her depression and allowed her to enjoy my presense like never before. I learned that in general, a woman doesn't necessarily want you to solve her problems, but she wants you to empathize. I shouldn't indulge her dwelling on negative issues, but distract her from them by being positive, fun, and upbeat. As I've been on my own, I've gradually found parts of myself that were in reclusion during my symbiotic connection with my ex. As it turns out, these parts of myself are precisely the things that make me an attractive lover. Spending time with her helped me to see myself in a way that was very constructive. But it also caused me to fall even more in love with her than ever. We started hooking up (no intercourse) on April 7th. We agreed to keep it a secret and not put any kind of label on it. We've talked about it a lot and are gradually moving closer together. Within a couple weeks we had already started to fall into some of our old patterns that had negative effects. Most importantly I realized that I was already getting clingy and that I always had been to an extent. I thought about a lot of the people here on LS and I think most of us on here that are trying to get a lover back suffer from clinginess. It's like this compulsive tug that seems irresistible. But it irrational and doesn't really do the other person any good. In fact it usually causes them discomfort. So after I realized that about myself, I felt much better about everything and our time together has been a lot nicer than before. We're trying to take things slow and smart. We're talking a lot about things and being as open as possible about our feelings and concerns. We're openly affectionate with each other and the affection is well received on both sides. We've "fooled around" but she's been resistant to straight up sex. She's gone down on me a few times, but won't let me go down on her. She's been to the gynecologist and they said she's clear of any STDs she may have possibly contracted from the other guy. But she says she still feels too concerned for my health and well-being to have sex with me. I know – it sounds weird. It's kinda making me feel messed up. We had a long talk about it and it's clear that it's not just the STD thing, but personal issues. She says that the way her relationship with the other guy made her feel is still affecting her and making her feel weird about everything. I think she's viewing our having full on sex as changing the dynamic we have right now. She wants to be careful about how fast we're getting ourselves back into this. We both got really messed up from being together before and it's obviously very scary for her to dive back in. I think she's right to be scared and I agree with it. I'm scared too. I guess I just feel a little more certain that things are going to work out much better than before. It's clear that she's totally done with the other guy. That's not a concern. I think my problem is that I'm feeling rejected by the fact that she doesn't want to have sex. I know I turn her on. I know she thinks I'm sexy. But I'm feeling rejected because her desire to have sex with me is not overcoming her rationality. I feel that we should go slow and be careful. But I think that our desire for each other should be so strong that it's really difficult to hold back. For me, this is the case. I can hold back, but it's no easy chore. And my passion bursts out at times. Her passion is not bursting out, though she is very loving and affectionate. She says she feels very lucky and grateful that I still want to be with her. She said she really likes spending time with me now and she really likes the dynamic we have now. She really likes kissing and messing around the way we have been. She says it feels really great and that she wants things to continue. So I think she's right and I agree with her on just about everything. I'm just worried that the fact that she's stalling on the sex is an indication of her not really desiring me. I wonder if I'm being used. In the classic gender stereotype, she gets her emotional needs met and has a fun sexy guy to run around with, but I don't get my physical sexual needs met. I don't want to be her dick in a glass jar. But I also don't want to be clingy. We've only been "hooking up" for about 3 weeks now. It feels like it's been longer. But I can see how maybe we should wait longer to let things get to that level. But I also feel like we're mature enough to deal with having a sexual relationship while still taking it slow. I guess I just feel like if she really wanted me the way I want her, she wouldn't be able to resist sex at this point.
  14. After six months of healing and dealing with breaking up with my 5 year girlfriend and watching her go straight to sleeping with a total loser, I finally decided that it's best right now that we just be friends. I had made my desire to get back together clear to her back in January and she did not say she didn't want to. But she was still confused and still with the other guy. Then we talked about it a couple weeks ago and she said that she was no longer sleeping with the other guy (who says he's in love with her). She also said she's not really capable of being in a relationship right now with anyone and wants to be alone for a while. At the same time I was realizing that my hopes of getting back together and dealing with her sexual relastionship with this other guy had damaged me so much that I was also in no state to be in a real relationship. She's made it clear that she still loves me and that I'm still the most important person in her life. My love for her has proved to be stronger than I ever dreamed. She's been having so many issues with stress, depression, and anxiety that I can't not be there for her. For a while I feared that I was the source of most of her stress, depression, and anxiety. But since I've removed the pressure of getting back together and committed to being just friends, it's clear that it is her job and not me that is behind her problems. Most of her issues began two years ago when she first got the job and they've gotten steadily worse ever since. I've advised her countless times over the past couple years that she should quit her job. She agrees, but she just won't. She says I'm the only person that she can really talk to about anything that really matters. So I've continued to be that for her. But I've been that for her for years and it hasn't really done her any good. We hung out a couple nights ago and she was on the brink of tears over an issue that's been going down at work. But this time, instead of trying to comfort her and advise her, I decided to distract her and just show her a good time. So I took her bowling and we had a blast. I kept thinking we were done, but she kept wanting to play more games. Then she was a little too drunk to drive home, so I took her to the beach and we went for a walk. Then when the whim struck me I decided it was time to go for a swim. It was past 3AM and no one was around. So I stripped naked and ran into the water. She's always been afraid of the ocean and it was a little rough so she was afraid to come in. But she stripped down to her underwear (no bra) and tried to face her fear, but couldn't. We put our clothes back on and walked back to the car. She got down on herself saying she wished she were more outdoorsie and adventurous like me and some of her other female friends. Incidentally, the friends she mentioned are two rather attractive female friends who've both at one time or another expressed interest in me. I get the impression sometimes that she fears that she's not right for me because of my "outdoorsie adventurous" side. I think she feels that she stifles my fun by having so many phobias. Anyways - I told her not to worry about it. I took her back to her car and she went home. It didn't cross my mind at all at the time, but looking back I can see that it definitely may have looked like I was trying to hook up with her. I wasn't. I was just trying to rouse her from her seemingly overwhelming depression. We talked on the phone the next night and have a emailed each other a couple times since so everything is cool. But I'm not sure what impression I gave her. On my end, looking back, I can't help thinking what a romantic evening it was, minus the romance. The image of her standing in the moonlight on the edge of the water as the waves crashed on her feet is left imprinted on my memory and I just wish I could go back and make it last. But I know it definitely would have been a bad idea to pursue sex at that juncture. We've only just begun to settle into this friendship mode and she was clearly not emotionally ready to have sex. Then again, maybe she was. Maybe that would have been the perfect distraction. But probably not. Besides - it really didn't cross my mind. So now I'm confused because I know I want to get back together, but I know that she needs my support as a friend and not a lover right now. But looking back over the years, I can see that my support hasn't really helped. So I want to find a new way to truly help her. I want to help her to enjoy life again instead of being so down in the dumps all the time. I don't know if there's anything you all can say to help me. But I'd appreciate your comments. Thanks.
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