tiredofthelies

I just wanted to drop a quick line, and give everyone an update. (Although with only a few replies, it's not like everyone was holding their breath as to how this turned out.) The last 6 months since I found out about the cheating has been rough. I wanted to die for the first couple of them. And truthfully, I still get choked up when I think about it sometimes. But it IS much easier, and time DOES help. For all those going through a similar experience, I would like to say that one of the best ways to resolve the pain you feel is to be able to actually talk to the other person. Don't blow up and get revenge, since I do not believe that helps at all. I wanted to at the time, but I'm quite sure that would have solved nothing. I believe that talking to the person who did this to you, accepting apologizes, and forgiving (although not forgetting) makes letting it go a lot easier. While I have yet to receive a sincere apology, she has admitted that she was selfish and inconsiderate. Be confident in the fact that you are the better person, and accept that she/he needs to work on themselves and you are much better off without them. And for some, getting out there and dating other people may help too. It's easier to forget about someone and what they did if you can focus on someone new. However, I personally don't think it is fair to use someone else in this way, and even if you care about them, getting involved right away may lead to another bad situation in the future. I think that for many people, being hurt so badly by someone else can kinda reduce your impression of the opposite sex, and the new person doesn't deserve that automatic stigma.

Firstly - to Knightbear. 1) Did you read what I had to say? When I met her, she told me she was 19. If I knew she was 4 years younger right off the bat, I would never have done anything with her. But after 3 months, I had fallen in love and figured that age should not supercede my feelings. I thought long and hard, and decided to stick around and see how it went. In Canada, 14 is legal, so I wouldn't be "thrown behind bars" either. 2) Who the hell are you to come onto a site where people are struggling to accept issues and deal with their pain, and say something that would often send someone in such a situation reeling further into despair? It's troubling to know that there are people out there who can say such things without either thinking about, or caring what kind of effect it will have on others. To Linda - Thank you for your (thoughtful) words. It has been some time now, and I just wanted to follow up..... I still think about what she did almost daily. It doesn't feel like my heart has been totally ripped out any more though. She is living with the guy who she cheated on me with, and claims she is totally happy. She is still causing issues like not paying the cell phone bill that is in my name, but she is very limited in what she can do to me at this point. Until I totally discontinue talking to her (which I cannot do until the cell is in her name, and the money paid off), it will be difficult to forget about her completely. I still tend to have the "woe is me" attitude and wonder why this happened to me, etc etc. Really, it isn't a good idea, but I can't help it. Now I've moved to a new city, and find it quite lonesome here without knowing anyone, and I have a lot of time to think about things. It is true though - time heals wounds, and this is no exception. It will be difficult to trust someone else, and it will still take many more months for me to be over this issue completely. But to everyone who is going through a similar situation: It DOES get easier... day by day. Just get through it, and use the valuable tools around you, such as sites like this. (Hopefully people like knightbear don't respond to your cries for help!)

I realized right after I posted that message that I should have checked which forum I was in first. Truth is, I am a male, but the situation doesn't change. You can want to sit down, and for her to talk to you honestly, but I think it would be a futile request. Someone in her position has no desire to spend the time with you that you need. You want her to drop her defenses and just talk open and honestly. I want that too. The fact is, that when someone has the mindset like this, trying to help you work out your pain is the LAST thing she wants to do. In speaking honestly, it would require you two to look at you, at the relationship, and more importantly - at her. Deep down, everyone knows that doing this is wrong. But if they can maintain a front, they don't have to claim responsibility. If she were to speak to you honestly, the front goes away, and she is faced with accepting the person she really is, and how much it hurt you. It's easier for her just to move on. And that is what you should be doing too... try to forget about her. Her lack of warmth and compassion should help you realize you are much better off without her, no matter how hard it is right now. Like I said before, it is hard at first, but it does fade.

Dude, I know what you're going through. Almost the exact same thing happened to me a month ago, after being with a girl for 3 years. She cheated on me with another girl, and then a month and a half later started seeing someone else behind my back. I lived with her, so she had to put forward pretty big lies to do it too. It's a total betrayal for sure. My g/f told me she doesn't have feelings for me any more too. She also is being a total B*tch, and trying to do and say whatever she can to hurt me. Don't waste your time being nice. You want to salvage something out of the relationship I think.... you remember the goods times you had, and wonder why you can't at least be civil with each other. The fact is that she has no interest in this. I am not sure why this is, but I firmly believe my ex is really messed in the head, and your situation sounds almost identical. I mean, she cheats on you, and somehow YOU are the one being mistreated afterwards? Shouldn't YOU be the one to yell and act like a c*ck to her? This is a tough situation. For me, it's been a month and I am torn apart too. But trust me, with time it starts to get easier - even when you don't have proper closure. It sounds like your g/f isn't willing to give it to you either. Eventually the situation will not be consuming you, and you'll only think about it 90% of the time you're awake.... then 60, and 50. Right now, I still think about my ex a lot. I think about her with the other two people way more than I should. I think about how she tells me she doesn't regret any of it. How I was a fool to stay with her for so long. I think about a whole slew of stuff, and none of it really helps. The fact is, in a situation such as yours and mine, I think you have to let it fade away. My big issue right now is trying to figure out how I will ever trust another woman again. I was already somewhat suspicious of my ex, as she is a very good looking and sexual person. When someone tells you right to your face that she would never cheat on you, blah blah blah, it really hurts when it happens. I wish I could give you some sort of magic pill to take all the pain away. I know a month ago I wanted to die. Maybe I still do at times. You want to yell and scream and sob, and you want her to understand the pain you are going through, and to take a little time and effort to make you feel better. You want to understand why it happened, how to keep it from happening again, and how to heal yourself now. I have come up with no answers for my own situation. Life goes on I guess. Just try to avoid the selfish ones next time. Good luck!

Dude, the fact that she would suggest that she needs to go sleep with someone else so she can get better sex is completely COMPLETELY absurd. You have other ways of pleasuring her other than your guy down below. I would personally suggest councilling and seeing your doctor/sex therapist as to what you can do for this situation. It is a difficult problem, but if she really cared about you I figure THIS is the kind of thing she would suggest rather than getting sex from elsewhere. I don't mean to scare you or make things worse, but the fact she wants to go elsewhere would really disturb me. I think there are very serious issues in her head that need to be worked out. I also think that if you say that her little plan isn't acceptable that she may just go and do it anyway. It seems to me that she is only thinking of her own needs, and isn't taking into consideration of your needs, or how YOU feel about this whole situation. You probably know her better than anyone though, so this is just my outside view. If a girl told ME that, I'd be downright pissed off. If you feel like you've almost lost her because of this, then perhaps you should consider if she's the kind of person you want to be with anyhow. To me, she sounds shallow and self-absorbed. Sorry for the negative outlook, but I just cannot believe how consumed some people are with their own needs....

Yeah, I'd like to do the gas tank thing, but that basically just turns me into the stereotypical enraged female, and I'm not even female! Since writing my original message, I do feel a little better. It gets better every day I guess. But not an hour goes by that I can keep from thinking about it... it just totally consumed my thoughts, and it's driving me nuts. I DID write her a letter which I put in with the rest of her stuff. She'll get it if she ever finds a place to live. It replaces a previous, more harsh letter that I put in the day after I found out about everything. Unfortunately, I also just happened to put in in the same place where I found a poem that her new guy wrote her. That isn't something I wanted to see! I basically did exactly what you said... just acted nice, and apologized for anything that *I* might have done that was inappropriate. I don't think I can appeal to her better side though; through all this, I'm not sure if she even has one. I've tried desparately to appeal to that side, but she doesn't show it any more. I've admitted my faults to her, in hopes of her lowering her own guard, but that doesn't work either. At least I can walk away from the situation knowing that I was the better person. That's little help. Valentines day will be tough... it will be like all the recent days - thinking of her kissing him and sleeping with him... all the things we did just weeks ago. You realize, as do I, that there is really little that can be done about everything... life goes on I guess. Congrats on being 8 months sober. My biggest addiction is smoking, which cannot possibly compare. I have the utmost respect for those who can establish they have an issue with a substance, and do something about it. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, and I don't plan to be... I'm not letting this girl ruin my life any more than she already has. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

Ok... I don't know why I am posting this. I am not like some other people on here who don't know what they should do. I DO realize what I need to do, but I thought I would express whatever is on my mind, and perhaps get some feedback. So, when I met my girlfriend she was 15 and I was 23. She told me she was 19 at the time, and she certainly looked it, so I believed her. After three months of dating and sleeping together, she told me the truth. I really had to think about it. We were already in an intense relationship, so I went against be better judgement and continued seeing her. (In Canada, this is not illegal. 14 is age of consent.) Anyhow, I should have taken the cue in that first lie. 1 week of lying, whatever... but 3 months?! This turns out to be the person she totally was in the end.... Through our three years, it was always about her and what she wanted. I didn't mind doing everything I could for her, because I'm a really caring and loving guy, and it was never really detrimental to my well being. Sometimes it was given back to me, but usually not. So, after three years, our relationship had pretty much fizzled out. I loved her, but wasn't IN love with her either. I sensed the same. Things started getting awkward, so I told her that we should just be friends. She was surpisingly ok with it. I had said this other times, and she bawled and begged for me back. Ok, whatever! She finally realizes it. Great. We decided to continue living together for two months until I move to Calgary. She was going to come, (we'd move together), and we'd get separate places, and remain friends. I didn't feel comfortable with her living with me under the circumstances, but she was really needing help getting out of our small city, so I said OK. My only condition was that we don't see anyone else during these two months. She agreed, and said she'd understand how painful it would be to know the other was with someone else. She promised. Is it any wonder she was ok with breaking up. I found out that a week and a half prior to our break that she started sleeping with a customer from her work. (She works in a porn shop. That should have been a clue there too!) Now, I realize our relationship was almost over anyhow, but my god it hurts! I have always feared infidelity for some reason, and now it's happened. It is the biggest pain anyone could imagine, so if anyone reading this is doing it, or considering it, or even is the TYPE to do it, DON'T. If you care at ALL about the person you are with, break it off with them first. That still would have hurt, but it would have made all the difference. How am I supposed to trust a woman again? She didn't just cheat on me with this guy.... she also slept with a FEMALE who she used to work with on her birthday two months ago, while I was looking for housing in Calgary on a trip. Get this: I blew up 200 balloons and covered the bedroom floor and bed with them. Each one with the name "bunny" written on them, which I used to call her. She cheated on me right on that bed, after pushing the balloons out of the way. When I initially confronted her, she denied everything until my proof was too much for her, and she finally admitted it. She went out dancing at a popular club, where any of my friends who frequent it would have saw. She simply didn't care. She looked right into my eyes and told me that she would not sleep with anyone for two months, even though she already was. I'm hurt for the cheating, hurt there was TWO other people, hurt that I lost who I THOUGHT was my best friend, and hurt that she lied right to my face. Now she is acting like a total bi%ch, like *I* did something wrong. She started yelling at me, calling me a loser and everything she could think of. So finally I had enough, and bear-hugged her out of my apartment. She tried to charge me with assault, telling me I "violated" her. The cops called, but didn't do anything about it. She keeps coming over "picking" at her stuff since she doesn't have a place to live yet. (She's staying at her friend's place, and this new guy's place I figure.) She insists that I can't just get rid of her stuff, like on the front lawn of my apartment building. She threatens legal action any time I try to stand up for myself now. Keeps complaining that "it's really hard living out of a bag, without all her clothes". Boo hoo. She told me she'll try to take me for half of everything I have, because we were nearly commonlaw. Even though she admits she doesn't think she should get any of it. (I have all this on tape, so I doubt any court will side with her.) I want to burn her stuff so bad, or put some sort of acid in the lubricant stored in her "toy box", or something. I really feel the need to get revenge. I am so hurt and angry.... this is a feeling that SEEMS like it will never end, but I know iut will. I know, I know, I am better off without her. She obviously didn't respect me, and cares for nothing but her own pleasure... but man, what a horrible situation. I have no intentions of getting back together with her... I deserve much better. I just wanted some good to come of this... for her to realize how much this hurts. That she has some issues she needs to work out... SOMETHING. But it's all bad... she doesn't listen. I sit here wallowing in my pain every night, perhaps getting into drugs and stuff I shouldn't be to try to ease the hurt. (Like THAT is a good idea...) My god... how do people deal with this crap when there is marriage and kids involved?!?! Horrible, horrible stuff. Thanks for listening!

Why are we are so stupid? Seriously... I recently got cheated on, and I still wanted to make things right too. The fact is, when a woman does this, she is not caring at all about how it will make us feel. Because, let's face it, we generally find out one way or another. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with someone so selfish.

Dude, I am recently coming out of a relationship where she cheated on me. And the only way you are going to get her out of the relationship is to make her cheat on her guy too. If their marriage fails, move in at will. But right now, I suggest you leave her be. It is not likely to do anything other than hurt at least 1, maybe more people involved. She has to make her own decisions, and if she is unhappy in her marriage, it is her responsibility to leave... it's not your responsibility to complicate the issue. She DID marry the guy for a reason, and no matter if he is immature, or whatever, she sees things in him that you don't, or she wouldn't have married him. Move on to greener pastures... most pastures are. This one is liable to cause more issues.

Well, I think it is absolutely spectacular that you've come to the realization that what you've done was wrong. I hope you continue to understand this, so a similar situation does not happen again. I am facing a similar situation myself, but she hasn't suddenly come accross maturity like you have. (We were similar ages as well!) The fact is, though you've had a rough life, you cannot blame those issues for what you did, and how you treated him. You are your own person, and you make your own choices. If he has gotten over you, I would leave him be. Unless he keeps crawling back for more, you are best to leave him alone, and work on your own problems so you can guarantee that a similar situation would not happen again. If you ask for him back, and it turns out that you have not fully learned, then you will just hurt him again... and I'm sure that's not what you want. That's my 2 cents.

Girls, girls girls.... what do you expect to get out of these sitations? These men are not willing to leave their wives, so obviously they do not believe that you are all they need in their lives. You are only filling the gaps that their wife leaves behind. How is this fulfilling to you? The fact is, that love really does conquer all, and despite the obvious discomfort it would cause to everyone involved, if he really loved you the way you think he does, he would make YOU his wife. (Which would have swell, until he did the same to you, or you did to him. In my opinion, there is no point in being in a relationship where the final result desired can never be achieved. And to beentheredonethat: If he stays with his wife, leave him be. She may not have done her "job", true, but if you knew the emotional pain that I'm currently going through because my girlfriend cheated on me with two different people, you may understand. I am a VERY nice guy, and gave my girlfriend everything she needed... we just didn't "click" in the last few months, and she went elsewhere without telling me. Nonetheless, human compassion and empathy has to be thrown in there somewhere, and I am suspecting you may be void of it with that kind of attitude. Experiencing pleasure through other's pain. I am glad not everyone in this world has that mindset.

Babybear, You are certainly in a tough situation! I have a few comments to make... I am not sure if it will help or not. Firstly, I just got out of a relationship... I am 27, and she is 19. At the time, I was 23, she was 15. I didn't know it at the time, because she lied about her age... she was very well... developed, and by the time she told me I was already smitten with her. I thought age shouldn't make a difference. Ultimately, age SHOULDN'T make a difference, but the fact is that it DOES; especially in the mind of the older party. As mature as you are at first glance, (I was really impressed with the intellect shown in your emails), there ARE glaring differences between someone of his age and your own. There are, as previously mentioned, life experiences to start. There is a difference in sexual and emotional maturity. I believe that some of your words might indicate that you aren't quite as mature as you think. I mean absolutely no offence to this, and getting upset over my saying it would only prove my point. But honestly, you'd be one in a million if you were to be on the same emotional and mental level that he is. (By mental, I do not mean intelligence... you are obviously a very intelligent individual.) For the record, I disagree with people's comments that he should have no reason to be interested in you. When I found out my ex was 15, I had a very hard decision to make. Do I break it off (ultimately would have been the right choice), or do I continue with it, as we were already some time into the relationship, and I had already developed some feelings for her? Just the fact that I had legitimate feelings leads me to believe that it IS possible that a man would be interested in a woman much younger. Keep in mind that it is our Western culture that looks down on this... in other cultures overseas, it is perfectly acceptable and nearly EXPECTED that the age gap is so great. The age issue doesn't have to be an issue at all, but it is an absolutely enormous obstacle to work around. I am quite sure that it played a large part in my eventual breakup, even though I chose to ignore it at the time. From what you say, I believe that his ex is such a part of his life that she fills the void that being with a 17-year-old may present. I know, I know... you don't want to hear that. You don't want people to play the age issue up. And I understand... I don't blame you. But we ARE talking about a HUUUUUUUUGGGEE difference, and as much as you don't believe it now, it DOES DOES DOES make a difference! Enough about the age thing. My only point is that there IS an issue with age, and it can cause some very serious emotional attachment and mental compatibility issues in my opinion. If you are one of those nearly non-existant couples that can honestly say it makes no difference, then all the power to you. I'm sure he is absolutely stunned to have a 17 year old girl interested in him. My opinion about his commitment to you: Test it. There is no reason for him to be as involved with his ex by this point. Tell him that it would make you feel better if she was not such a part of his life. Yes, it is selfish. And yes, it may piss him off so much that he finally lashes out. But then you know he wasn't the one for you anyhow. Any logical person would understand that once you break up with someone and enter a new relationship, that there is a very real chance that you may not be able to talk to your ex again; at least not in the same way. This is something that I think everyone understands at one point, and if he really cares about you, he will too. With all this said, and what I've heard YOU say, *I* believe he might be honest about everything. (Mind you, I've recently been deceived by my own girlfriend, so who knows....) If your relationship is everything it can be, and you both love each other, the last thing you want to do is to keep it from progressing by constantly badgering him with your unfounded fears. IF everything is hunky-dory in your relationship, then it really isn't his problem to deal with. (Although he SHOULD be supporting you, which you say he is.) If it is something that cannot be overcome in your mind, then it is something that cannot be solved with him alone. I believe you may need help to work out this issue. I think at some point you have to give you entire trust to him, and be rid of the constant questioning. You open yourself up to being hurt more in the end, but it's a choice I think you'll have to make. But really, like any given situation on this entire site, how does anyone really know? We only know what you have written, and how we would react in the same situation. I just wanted to try to help someone else who is experiencing serious issues like I am right now... take whatever you wish from my words. I wish you all the best.

Hi Triwania. I am hardly an expert on relationships, but I think that I can see things for what they really are; I'm a pretty logical person. (To a fault, actually.) What your fiancee did was very mature and honest. He doesn't feel comfortable commiting to you until he knows what his feelings for you are. After 7 years, I have a feeling that mentally he has already exited the relationship. Perhaps it was too early, perhaps you two grew apart over that time, who knows. And in fact, it doesn't really matter - because it takes two. You may not want to hear it, but you can't MAKE people love you... and after 7 years, if he doesn't have his head screwed on tight enough to go through with a marriage, then it was probably not the best choice for him, and ultimately for you too. Let's be thankful he discovers this now, rather than later! I am very sorry to hear what you are going through - it must be very tough. I wasn't with my girlfriend for nearly that long (only 3 1/2 years), and we never had plans to get married, but I am in major turmoil right now after 1 1/2 weeks of being broken up. I can just imagine how you feel! I hope it all works out for you, and don't forget this site exists... the understanding and advice on this site is overwhelming, and while I just discovered it today, I am quite sure it will make a difference in my own recovery. Good luck with everything - it WILL get easier, I promise.