quietguy

Having a new job is always very nerve wracking. This is a normal feeling that I know that everyone has. You want to do the best job that you can and you over scrutinize every thing that you do. I wouldn't look at this as a negative. I am certainly glad that people care about their work. I know from experience that this care is very fragile and can quickly turn into raging self doubt. First off, remember - People Make Mistakes. We are not machines. We cannot always do things as accurately as we need to. What makes us better than machines is that we can learn from our mistakes. Recovering from mistakes is simple if you have confidence in what you do. Like most people, my confidence level fluctuates. Some times I am very confident and nothing bothers me at all. I fix the mistake and move on. Sometimes, mistakes stick with me. When you have low confidence in your abilities, mistakes and even the threat of mistakes can really be challenging to overcome and let go of. Having confidence in your ability to do your job the right way is to me the best way to overcome the gloom and doom of mistakes and potential mistakes. I work in a very high stress environment where lots of money and peoples lives are at stake (I am bridge engineer - translation NERD!). I need to have confidence that what I am doing is correct. I can not dwell on doing something incorrectly. I also do not have the time nor resources to check, back check, triple check my work all the time. There are many times when I am looking back over some work that I had done and find an inconsequential mistake. Finding the mistake plants the seed of doubt in my head "Wow if I missed something so trivial, could I have missed something big!" Then you procede to comb through your design with a fine tooth comb looking for the big mistake. I think that this is a good excercise becuase what you will find is that you probably never make the "big mistake". I see this as being a conscientious worker and you should view it as something that sets you apart from your peers. If you are upset by the mistakes that you make it is a good thing. To me this is a sign of someone who can be very successful in what they do. If the doctor performing my heart surgery did not feel bad about mistakes, then he is not going to be a good surgeon. Sometimes though, reevaluating your current work does not always make you feel better. You may need to revisist past success to rejuvenate your attitude. For me, I drive around town and look at the bridges that I have created. No one can take these successes away from me. I can see it. You may need to do the same thing, even if it wasn't a success at your current job. Remember the good things and learn from the bad things. To me, being successful is caring about your job. You want to do the best job that you can do. Nervousness is hard to overcome when you are not confident that what you are doing is right. You are just starting out in this career. NO ONE expects you to know the job inside and out on day one. A career is a life long pursuit that should be filled with learning everyday. If your company has any type of mentoring program, look into it. Everyone has these types of jitters over a new and challenging job. Talk with someone who has been through it before. Learn from them. Most people are more than willling to share with you their experience. I was lucky with my first job. I had plenty of people willing to help me through the maze. I know this might not be the exact answer that you are looking for (I have a tendency to ramble...) but I hope this helps. Keep your chin up, learn the job and the confidence will grow. Once you get the confidence you need, you can be very happy with your career and you can learn to recover from the minor speed bumps along the way. Quietguy

Hi all. thanks for reading my post. Here is some background - I am terribly jealous of my wife. My wife was always a little overweight. She had our first child 2 and half years ago. After this she became considerably overweight and had trouble losing it. I was always very supportive of her and not at all critical of her weight, but she was always very unhappy with it, which is understandable. Last April, she had gastric bypass surgery. Her surgery was fantastic, and she has lost a considerable amount of weight (She is about 20 pounds short of her goal). She is looking better than she has in a long time. She is enjoying herself tremendously. She has new clothes, a renewed interest in her friends, and she is interested in making new friends. She has definitely come out of here shell. She has confidence in herself like she hasn't had in a long time. I am so proud of her. The decision that she made to have the surgery was very courageous. I am also enjoying certain benefits associated with her greatly renewed sex drive . My biggest problem is that I am totally blowing it with her because I just can't stop from being jealous/suspicious. I've had a really hard time adjusting to her new self. The change has been profound. I have been to a therapist once by myself (and once with her) after I couldn't stand what was happening to me. I was so jealous that I became suspicious of everything that she did and it was really scaring me. My wife and I got into a series of terrible fights with me accusing her of hiding things from me and cheating on me with someone else. She told me that she was going to leave me. The unbelievable thing is, I really had no reason to suspect her of anything. I didn't catch her doing anything. I just kept looking for something. I have never acted that way before and I was concerned for my health, my wife's health and my child's health. The therapist told me that I have an adjustment disorder with depressed mood. This made me realize that what I was feeling was something that I couldn't help and it gave me a lot of hope that I could get better. Most Adjustment Disorders recede as quickly as they appear (so they say). I started rebuilding my self esteem (which unfortunately was very very low at the time my wife and I started having problems). I felt that if I could make myself feel better it would change my entire attitude. My own self improvement kick has helped me get over the shock of her saying that she was going to leave me. I know I would be fine without her. Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her. I want us to feel like a normal family again. I know that she wants to be with me and wants the same thing. She has done a remakable job reassuring me of this. I still am having a very hard time getting over the jelousy. My therapist suggested to me that the depression associated with my adjustment disorder is making it hard for me to let these feelings go. I know that I am getting better slowly but surely. There were some other problems in our relationship that I think stemmed from my low self esteem and I am working hard to fix these things. I am helping more with that house work and with my child. I am trying to make her life better any way that I can. I know that we'll get through this if I can keep my insanely stupid and unfounded accusations to myself. A request - So what I am asking from you guys, is help with techniques or methods that you guys may have learned to help control the suspicion. My therapist suggested some things that would help, but I am always interested in other opinions and ideas. Why do we look for things to tear other people down with? That is the absolute last thing that my rational mind would want to do. Why am I hurting my best friend, lover and mother of my child this way? I know that I will get better. I already feel much better about myself and my future. Any insight that you guys could contibute on ways to combat jealousy and suspicion would be welcomed indeed. Thanks for Listening! Quietguy