EHSaquacat

Although we may feel alone, we aren't. I've been suffering from depression for 5 years now. I'm a freshman in college and I cry nearly everyday. My depression isn't as bad as it was in high school. My self mutilation has calmed and so have my crying spells. But, they still occur often. I try to sleep the day away so I don't have to deal with people. I literally sleep 12 hours a day. No joke. People piss me off tremendously (not everyone though)! I hate to say it, but it's true. People who drive slowly in front of me, frustrate me, people who walk right in front of me make me want to throw my fists, people who act loud and obnoxious in my classes make me want to scream aloud. I remember one time a friend and I went outside of our dorms and just screamed. It felt good, and afterwards, we laughed. Anyway, I know many of you hate your lives too and try to think that we really do have it better than soooo many others out there. Then ya think, well, there are starving people everywhere and people who don't have the rights we have, then those thoughts just make you feel even worse b/c you know you have it good, yet you are still depressed. If you are a believer in God, God sees all problems as an equal. So, do not ever think your problems are less than anyone else's. But unfortunately, I have that problem. For instance, my boyfriend's parents are getting a divorce and my parents have been married for nearly 33 years. Yet, I cry more than he does, and complain about life more than he does, and then I tell him "You are the one going through a lot worse situation, but I'm always the one crying." He told me that our problems are no worse than each others. In my life, I have two loving parents, a nice college that I'm attending, a great family, some really great friends, a terrific boyfriend, a great mind and body, etc. I am lucky, but I throw all of that away b/c I think I'm ugly, stupid, boring, that I have no talent, etc. I look at my friends, and I'm jealous of them b/c I point out their good qualities and compare them with my bad qualities. Anyway, right now, I am crying so much. I have disconnected my cell phone and my dorm phone and I refuse to answer my away message on AOL because I am being stubborn and I just do not want to talk to anyone that will say "You know, no one will want to be your friend if you continue this attitude..." Who would want to hear that when you are this depressed? Depression is like cancer: there is no cure for it and you can't get rid of it. Depression can start in two ways (in my eyes); either a tragedy can happen in your life (you lose someone, divorce, an illness, etc.), or there is simply just a chemical imbalance in your brain. That's what I have because I had a perfect life growing up; a nice school, a nice and new neighborhood, a loving family, loving friends, I had a swimming career of 14 years, I was active, involved, and I was a happy little kid, etc. Sometimes, God gives people the toughest obstacles in life to teach us something. (Sorry if you are not agreeing with whole God thing...just please let me know in a nice, calm way). But then you think, well why in the hell would He do this to me? Why would He hurt anyone? I don't know the answer to that, but I think that too. Anyway, I am struggling everyday with depression. If you would like to talk ever, send me a message!

When I was a freshman in high school (1998 - 99), I was diagnosed with depression. I would have terrible crying spells and too many masses of scars on any patch of skin you could think of from my habit of self mutilation. This continued until today. I am now a freshman in college. Although it has calmed down remarkably a lot, I am still addicted to cutting myself and still have the crying spells. Throughout high school, I had two main boyfriends. My self esteem rose to the top with both of them, but things they would do would piss me off and hurt me tremendously. I know they don't do things to me on purpose, but even after a handful of reminders, they still continued doing the things that hurt me the most. I am still really good friends with my ex-boyfriend and I am head over heals with my current boyfriend who attends a different college than I do. Unfortunately, I am a shy person in the beginning and I am very paranoid. I'm afraid to invite myself out with others and I don't have many high school friends at my college with me. My boyfriend has 3 of his best friends, including many other good friends, that attend the same college he does. It makes it easier to have friends from high school go to the same college as you because you can make new friends easier and quicker than being on your own. It makes me so jealous when I hear my boyfriend tell me "Yeah, me and the guys all went drinking tonight and had a great time," while I sat in my dorm doing homework or crying because I had no one to talk to. Don't get me wrong. I have tried again and again to make new friends, but I suppose I'm just terrible at it! Drinking without me around is one thing that really gets to me. First of all, I do not drink unless he is around. Second of all, what if he gets so drunk, he forgets all about me and gets with another girl? Of course he claims he knows what he's doing and that there is nothing he would do to hurt me, but there is always that possibility and that question that starts off "What if?" He says there is nothing he will do that hurts me. Well, him drinking without me around or partying without me around hurts me so much! He doesn't understand why I don't like it when he has a few beers with friends. I do such a poor job at trying to explain why because I never know the correct terminology to say to strongly prove my point. It's like he always wins. He cannot stand to be wrong or to lose, so I always lose. I don't like talking to him when he's drunk and he doesn't understand why. I do want my boyfriend to go have a good time with his friends, but must they always drink? One time, I went to a party with him and he had his hands on his knees bending down trying to ask me a question because I was sitting on a couch. A girl comes up behind him, smacks his ass and starts freaking behind him. If I hadn't been there, Lord knows what he would have done!? Is this something I should be concerned about? Should I be worried because he does have new friends who I think would have a bad influence on him and because he has become a more heavy drinker? Should I be worried about him finding another girl? I feel like I need someone here with me all the time. We used to spend everyday together because we had classes together in h.s. It is like a tease when we see each other on the weekends, and then it's time already for one of us to leave. I feel like he is never there for me just because he's not here with me physically, but I know I am in his heart and he is in mine. He tells me I am so beautiful and he doesn't want anyone else for the time being. Yet, I worry so much! I can't help it. I need him here with me!!