tobermoon

After spending most of my adult life completely in the closet, I would have to say "yes". It is very likely that had I experience a romantic connection at a younger age, I would have come out much sooner. Everyone has their own reasons for not coming out, if that is their decision. I have been out to close friends and even at my workplace, but my family is in the dark regarding my sexuality. If I was in a committed long term relationship, perhaps I would change that. The hiding a partner from friends thing would bother me some, but I would definitely "date" someone with the hope that I could eventually become a part of their "other" life. I also think it would be nearly impossible and maybe unhealthy for a fully closeted person to have a LTR apart from their friends and family.

Over the past several months, I have been fighting with myself over the idea of submitting a post regarding my situation. The reasons are manyfold... I fear the answers most of all, especially the cliches we have all heard so many times when we are down. I not really sure of what I am looking for here, but I really don't know where to turn anymore. I used to pride myself in my ability to troubleshoot and solve problems, but I now realize that this is something I cannot fix on my own. This is very difficult for me, I am not the type of person who asks for help. I must impress upon you that my situation is very desperate and I really can't see living this way indefinitely. Its hard for me to find a place to start, and also to decide what is truly relevent to this post. It seems the more I try to create a picture of my life the more it scares me. I am now 33 years old and have been fighting serious depression since my early teens. Nothing in my life seems right or normal and I cannot figure out how to get out of this place i'm in. I have tried no less than six types of anti-depressants and even counselling in the past, but nothing comes close to addressing my ongoing suffering. I have been unemployed for over two years and have been living with friends and family, barely able to manage my own existence by using my credit cards to survive. I have looked for work, though I have almost no confidence in my own abilities. I have submitted dozens of applications and even had a few interviews, none of which ever resulted in an offer. This season I even applied for temporary part-time holiday help and was rejected. This is the part when I just want to delete everything I just typed and try to forget it all... My relationship with my parents is barely amicable, they have never understood me and I really can't expect much from them at this stage (they are both over 70). My friends are really not much better off than I. In fact, the friend I am currently living with was recently laid-off and money to pay rent and bills is gone. I can't see a doctor or shrink because I don't have medical insurance and have no way to pay for it. Everytime I have looked into public assistance I find a mess of beauracratic nonsense that only stupid people seem to figure out how to take advantage of. I have never had a normal romantic relationship. My longest one was long-distance and lasted only a few months. I feel like I should be hidiously ugly or incredibly dumb, but I am neither and know that. I can't see how my life has turned into THIS. I don't understand why no one I know seems truly concerned with my situation. This time of year is always the most difficult for me. I have to go to my family christmas and watch everyone laugh and exchange gifts with eachother, while i sit in another room wondering why i'm there at all. This is all really too much for me to share... I'm in tears because it all seems so hopeless. I read over what I have written and feel so worthless, it sounds like a bad joke or something. I can't stand my life and I have nothing left to fight back with. Thanks for reading through this, I doubt it was very cheerful. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this... What could help me?

Each time I read through postings like this, a little chill runs down my spine. Maybe it won't help much, but I can assure you that you are not alone. I've lived through some very similar stuff, albeit at an older age. I waited too long to admit to myself(or anyone else) that I was gay. My reasons were due to conservative upbringing and environment as well. Due to this, my romantic experiences are far behind 99% of other guys my age. I tell everyone that I wished that I could have come out much younger and I admire those who have managed to do so under difficult circumstances. Opening up and finding new supportive friends helps a lot. I urge you to look for a progressive college in a diverse community. Especially good are communities with gay organizations and such. There is a place here locally that has an exclusive 25 and under crowd. Certainly never feel like you have to fit in or act a certain way to be gay. I applaud you for staying true to yourself. You will find many guys that will share your interests and you will find that most of these generally prefer a more straight-acting guy as well. Things might seem rough right now, but you will begin to find new paths and opportunities will come your way. Keep your eyes open and be true to yourself and never sell yourself short.

I'm not sure what kind of answers you were hoping for, and I wish I could cheer you up, but... Years ago, I went through a very similar scenario. I was 21, we met at a job and started spending time together as friends. However, I was in the closet and he was supposedly straight. I began to envy his life, he was popular and handsome, fit and well dressed. He was a talented salesman and incredibly charming. I soon found myself jealous of any time he spent with other people and wanting to be around him as much as possible. What started out as a crush became an infatuation of sorts, all the while I was telling myself that I wasn't gay but secretly wishing he was. He even had a girlfriend and seemed to be everything that I wanted to be and be with. After several months of friendship he suggested that we rent a place and move in together. The problem that I kept running into was EXPECTATIONS... what was happening, where could it lead. I was totally into they guy and living with him, completely emotionally overwhelmed by never being able to express my feelings. It evolved into one of the most heartbreaking moments in my life. His girlfriend saw through me and knew about my feelings, she slowly turned him against me until he wouldn't even speak a word to me. I knew I had lost something that I could never get back, even his friendship. There is a moral to this story... and you probably wont like it much... As long as you have romantic attraction to someone, you will most likely not be able to maintain a healthy, normal friendship with them. If you want to hold on to some thread of hope, hiding your sexuality will only make matters worse. At least if you come clean, you can begin to establish whether he is the type of person you can truly be friends with and go from there. Oh and BTW, straight(ish) guys can play a smitten gay admirer like nothing else. Sorry if this seems a bit of a downer, I just wanted to warn you of the dangers. Each situation is unique, however, and can play out in a multitude of ways. Just be true to yourself and find people that with accept and support you whenever possible. True friends are the ones that pick you up after the romances fall apart

I feel some people are just addicted to the feelings associated with "the hunt". For example I have a very good friend that is an amazingly desirable person. She settles for relationships then is constantly conflicted over her feelings when she is not happy. In settling, I mean that she could just about have any guy(or girl) that she desires, but usually finds herself committed to someone she is constantly underwhelmed with. What strikes me as peculiar is that she is the most heathly and vibrant when pursuing new liasons and craves the emotional intensity of a new or imminent connection, however, despite her desire to feel alive and happy, she will stay with a guy for months after the relationship has ceased to appeal to her and become sullen and dissatisfied with her entire life. I've watched this happen no less than 3 times in the 8 or so years I have known her. I tell her to dump the guy and move on, but she'll drag the relationship on for years all the while dreaming and drooling over some other guy that she isn't with. Does this sound familiar or is she just whacked?

This thread hasn't been addressed for almost a week... but i want to take a swing. First of all, I think it's lame to blast the poster for expressing his opinion. I noticed the "judgemental" buzzword thrown around a bit and, well, it's kinda hypocritical. I'm not saying, however, that I agree with his conclusions outright. It is my belief that there are a considerable number of men and women that have bi-curious and bisexual tendencies, and most of these claim to be completely straight. Certainly the bell-curve theory seems to be valid in this case. Aside from that, there are a great number of people that believe calling one's self bisexual is somehow more socially acceptable(perhaps more so with women) and thus, easier to proclaim initially. The greater problem is more regional and even generational, however. I'm 32, grew up in a completely different and conservative, suburban community. When I was in highschool there weren't really but maybe a couple "out" people in a couple thousand students. Things now, even here, are dramatically different. Being gay/bi is almost completely accepted(in school) and in some cases popularized by teenagers. Because of my background I wasn't comfortable coming out to my friends until I was 28, and could never tell my folks. This may seem as some kind of tangent, but i'm really just trying to illustrate that things aren't quite the same in all places and times. Let alone some silly outdated Kinsey study from 1948... I guess I just want to say that hopefully people aren't misrepresenting themselves to be more "popular". (I'm not suggesting thats whats going on here, just anywhere) This was a popular fad in colleges in the early nineties, I woundn't want to see a revival. I'm gay, maybe not completely, but certainly enough not to call it something else.

I must say that I was very touched by reading your posts, Dau. Perhaps these types of relationships are fairly common, but who can say? I can tell you that I experienced something very similar... in fact a couple of times. The major difference being that I was unable to express my feelings openly, despite the tension and innuendo. At that time in my life, I had no support stucture and was desperately afraid of losing the friendships that I had. Despite everything, I wish I WOULD have opened up. If for nothing else than for him to truly see me. He claimed he was straight, but had most of the classic signs... I am still (10 years later) wondering how things might have turned out. Especially since I bumped into him at a gay bar a couple years ago. I am really impressed that you had the guts to do what I couldn't. As well, I hope you don't regret coming out to him. My fear and upbringing held me back from realizing who I was until I was 28.... thats a lot of lonely years. It's important that he understands who you are on your terms, and can accept it. The fact that he hasn't abandoned you means more than I can say. He is obviously experiencing a really rough time and having a good friend like you is extremely important to his well being. I urge you to continue being his friend, but give him the space he needs when he needs it, be careful not to smother him. There are many possible outcomes and you have to love him enough to let him find himself in the meantime.