Ammieg

i think about you, all the time. I hope you are OK. It was weird seeing you on Sunday, just the two of us alone. It made me sad. I hope your big presentation went OK at work. Sending you love, even though you dont deserve it, I send it anyway. I still care. But i wont contact you again. xx

I miss you. I do, genuinely miss you. No one believes me, they just think you were someone who treated me like crap. But I do. I miss having you in my life, i miss your jokes, your smile, the way you were. I am sorry that I got so angry at you last time that we spoke and that I lost the plot. I don;t know if we will ever talk again now, and i'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life now, the fact that the last words I said to you were in spite and anger. I was overwhelmed with hurt and pain. And I am sorry. I would give anything to say that to your face. I'm sorry we couldn't leave on good terms. I hope you can forgive me, or more importantly, that I can forgive myself.

So, so sad today. Waiting for the tears to come. I'm trying to battle them away, but they always get the better of me in the end. This week will be so, so hard. This is around the time that you always come back. I know you wont be coming back this time. This is it, the end. And, even if you did come back, I wouldn't talk to you. You abused me. You don't deserve me. But, I'm still consumed in sadness today, and still want to be close to you, I want to feel you hold me again, and I still want you back. So confusing. So many conflicting emotions. black, white, love, pain, hatred, manipulation, control. But, you've finally let me go.

Day 20 Saw him at work. He was cheerful but avoided me. Tried not to let it bother me but I had to go for a walk and have a little cry. No doubt in my mind I can do this whole no contact thing, simply because I have no other alternative. He doesn't want to be with me any more. It's plainly obvious for all to see. I'm frustrated that I'm still hurting. I wish I could just move on and be happy now.

Need to vent. Gah, this still hurts. I was feeling OK until today. Seriously, when am I going to feel over you? Its been 20 days now. You walked into the canteen today. I was sitting chatting to the girls. You got your coffee and walked straight back out again. I know we are never getting back together, I know we would never work, but it still hurts that you are obviously avoiding me. Let me guess, you are doing it for my own good? You're doing it because you have a new girlfriend? Who knows why. I just wish we could be civil. I wish that you avoiding me wouldnt hurt so much. Friends are too much, I know. But being in the same room shouldnt be so stressful. I miss you.

Day 18 I almost blew it last night. I had an overwhelming urge to email him, but I emailed my friend instead. Phew. SO glad I didn't fall off the wagon again, when I came into work this morning he had moved his car to another part of the car park, away from where I usually park (we used to park together). I was glad he didnt see my weakness last night. I want to stop caring about him now, he obviously has stopped caring about me.

Day 16 I'm starting to find the days noticeably easier. I have stopped counting the days and almost forgot it was day 16 today. I still think about him, but I don't miss him. I worry a lot if he is going to contact me again, past history says yes but there is no point in worying about something I don't know is going to happen. Still, I can't stop myself. Not sure what to do about it

Day 13. I'm feeling OK. Proud of myself for getting this far, and not in the slightest tempted to break it. Going out to dinner tonight, will be sure to order something lovely to treat myself!

Day 11 of no contact after about 5 or 6 times of breaking up, and getting back together, I'm taking this seriously now. This year has been misery, and I deserve better and need to move on. Plus, I suspect he has now met someone else ;-( But probably for the best as it will stop him returning again. I've broken no contact the last 2 times when I miss him and get very upset. I refuse to do that again.

Day 5 After my optimistic day yesterday my mood seemed to crash and burn when I had to go up to his floor and see him as I had to talk to a colleague who sits near him. We locked eyes for a brief second. Its the first time I've seen him since we decided it was over. Then had an awful evening/morning, woke up at 5am and couldnt get back to sleep. Just cant stop feeling angry and hurt. Someone please tell me this is going to get better? I cant feel much worse. Been invited by a guy who's very interested in me to go over to his house. Despite me telling him that i'm in no fit state to start a relationship he's still persuing me. As per advice above I might give it a miss despite the fact that it might be better to not be alone right now.

Day 4 Had a good night sleep and the world seems like such a better place. I can't believe how much easier it is this time. Maybe there is only so much suffering a person can take? I'm sure there were good things during our relationship.... I just can't quite think of them right now. Fine by me. Gives me more resolve to follow through this time.

Day 3 Had about an hour of feeling sad and then back to feeling angry again. I still cant believe how badly he treated me. Wondering if he ever loved me at all. I'm determined to do at least 30 days, my aim is actually 60. He needs to think about the things that he's done and silence is more powerful than any words I could say.

Day 2 Broke NC to tell him to go away and not contact me again. He provoked me, and I failed the test by responding. I'm not planning on contacting him again now. Just sinking in now just how badly he has treated me! Feeling very angry about it. I'm hoping that will be a catalyst for change.

You tried to stop me talking to Katy, tried to get me away from her. And I realize why now. Katy said she was worried about me. She said you are abusing me. And she's right, you are. You wanted to stop me talking to her because shes the one person that can help me. She's made me realise what you are - just a sad, insecure, jealous man who is obsessed with me, not in love with me. Shes made me realise that we're in a honeymoon phase and that things will get worse again. You're being so sweet right now, but for how long? How long until I annoy you, and you get mad and angry at me? How long until you knock on my door and list all my faults, all the things that are wrong with me, how i'm not good enough? all the things Ive supposedly done to fail you, to make me feel guilty? How im supposedly a cheater and a liar? How long until you disappear without a word for a week, leaving me in the lurch? How long until you make plans then cancel last minute to purposefully upset me? I want to believe you can change so badly. You have so far for 3 weeks. Your charming, and caring and understanding right now. But you were abusive for 9 months. I can't get over the damage you caused, even if I wanted to. I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. You don't even recognise you need to change. I've tried to tell you, and you don't listen. I'm starting no contact today. I know you will come back eventually. I'll cross that hurdle when I come to it.

Day 1 OK. I know I have tried to do NC about 20 times and keep going back to him. we're not even officially together any more but I'm still talking to him! Its all so messed up. I just want to be with him preoperly or move on and heal now. He says hes put the ball in my court now and no longer taking the lead. Not even sure what that means. So I'm responding with NC. Things are lovely and caring between us right now but I need to remind myself that it was/is an abusive relationship and its in my best interests to stop going back to him however much I think this time will be different. I'm staying positive and I know I can do this. Hoping reading about others will help me follow through this time.