Switch187

Hello everyone, and thanks for reading. I havn't been here for a while since I've been busy with school, a new job, and fixing up my new house but I need some help again and I wanted some quick helpful advice. So first I'll give the brief background for insight and then the problem. So about a year ago me and my girl broke up (she initiated the break, I pushed the break up) and during that time there was a guy at her work (let's just say Bob for easyness) who was steadily trying to hit on her since she started working there and took that opportunity to ask her out on some dates. Needless to say she rejected him while we were dating, but after that I don't know. We got back together 2 months later and have been together since then. She told me from the beginning that Bob tried to ask her out, but I cut her off and told her that whatever happened is in the past and needs to stay there. Fast fowared to around 2 months ago. My girlfriends phone rings and it's Bob, she looks at her phone at goes "what the hell" and I assume that this was some out of the blue call to see if she was available. Long story short she doesn't answer and that's that. Then two weeks ago, we were driving back from my new house to her house and her phone rings and she looks at it, hit's the stop button and tells me that she didn't know who it was. Then she runs into the bathroom and talks on the phone for 10 minutes and comes out and tells me she was on the phone with her girlfriend. I knew she wasn't being honest and asked for the truth and it turns out it was Bob again and she was just calling him back. She said she lied to me about it because she knew it would upset me that she was on the phone with Bob, but I told her it's worse that shes lying to me about it then her actually talking to him. I then asked her how long this crap was going on and she said only recently (since that first time he called) has he called her every now and then. At that moment I told her that it was bull that she would take calls from a guy that basically just wants to get in her pants, and turn around and lie to her boyfriend about it. She apologized and told me in would never happen again, that she has no interest in him whatsoever and only wants to be with me. Okay, now then the final straw. Today was a long day at work for me and so I went to her house to see her for a bit and we were laying down watching T.V when we hear a phone vibrating. At first we both thought it was mine so I got up to grab my phone and when I got to the table it was her phone ringing. Of course by now you should know whose calling, so I grab her phone hand it to her and just look at her with disbelief. She looks at her phone shakes her head and hits the stop button. After that she turns her phone off and just lays down next to me again without saying anything. Now at first I wanted to say something, but I was just so exhausted from work and working on my house that I just wanted to enjoy the few moments of relaxation with her that I just put it the side and layed down. So here's the problem. Tomorrow, of course, I'm going to find out why he's still calling her and why she hasn't put an end to it, but with this going on so much it's driven me to the point of wanting to find out why she's allowing this to go on in the first place. I don't mean that I want to know if something really happened between them or anything like that, but I just want to know is she's allowing all this to go on, knowing how much I dislike him and that situation, because she may have some secret feelings for him or if she's trying to keep him on the side in case something goes wrong between us so she has someone to run to. Am I wrong for wanting to know this much? Or should I just tell her why she hasn't stopped his phone calls after telling me she would? A little help would be great, or advice, or if you just want to throw in your 2 cents that's great too.

Well there seems to be alot going on there, but if you just want an answer on the gifts, do whatever you feel is right within your heart. No one will understand or know this person as well as you do no matter how many posts you make, and nobody will completely understand the situation like you do. If you feel a bit stupid for taking the gifts back, and you see no reason to hold on to them, then by all means give them back to her. But make sure that if you don't want to be with her anymore, or don't want to continue this on-again-off-again relationship with her, that you let it out and not sit in complete silence with her. Doing stuff like that leads people on into believing something is there when nothing is there, and that goes for both of you. Right now it still sounds like both of you are a bit confused (especially since you both work together) and really need some time apart to get a grip on what you really want out of life, and out of a relationship. So you haven't called her for 3 weeks, but if your answering the phone everytime she calls then it really doesn't count. Let her know you need time and space to get a clear look on life, and that she needs to do the same. With the moving of stores for you that would also makes things a bit easier to understand and to comprehend. I hope some of this helps you out, and I hope you find it in your heart what the right answer is for your questions.

Okay, lets see if I can chime in hear and offer some advice, whether it makes sense or not will up to fate. First off I should say that you shouldn't consider a dream to have no meaning, because dreams are a true doorway into the inner parts of your mind and true feelings. If you had a dream that you feel affected how you feel about your g/f then you need to really dive into that issue and find out why you had the dream and what that dream really means to you. Lots of times when people look back at there dreams they begin to notice certain parts of there dreams that can act like metaphors to feelings/emotions that they are dealing with. You may also want to talk to your g/f about the dream, since it's having a direct effect on how you feel about her and your feelings about the relationship. Now for the issue of things to talk about.....Hmmm....Well things like this happen in relationships that seem to move too fast, or for people that jump straight into sex. I know right now you feel that you both have talked about everything you could in the world, and now all you have is dead silence that gets covered up with sex. If this is something that you feel as a problem, well then theres something for you to talk about. You see where I'm going with this. Your saying you have all these issues that you don't understand and that all she wants is sex and those are things that you can bring up to her and discuss them with her. You never know, maybe talking about these things will you give a better understanding of who she really is and what type of person she is. It will also help you vent out your frustrations/questions and find possible answers that will help your mind feel at ease. Right now if you feel like your a "booty-call" and your fine with it, then theres no need to say anything to her, but if you feel that there should be something more then the best thing to do is sit down and talk to her about it. I hope this helps because I'm a little drowsy after some medicine I took and don't konw if I made much sense.

I would also suggest do either do some personal counseling, or counseling together so you two can work past whatever issues may be underlined in each others hearts if you both really want things to work. That's the step that I've taken with my g/f (or ex if you want to say it) becuase she is just as scared as your ex is about being hurt again. I can admit that I made my mistakes and she forgave me for them, but I felt in my heart that the best thing for me to do is to meet with my Pastor and try to do some personal counseling so I can find the roots of my insecurities/issues, and for us to do counseling together so we can also find and eliminate any other deeply rooted fears/anxieties towards each other and our relationship. It's a tough road, especially because you can't really change who you are unless you really want to do it for yourself to make yourself feel like a better person, doing it for someone else or just to make someone happy never works and the changes usually only last a short time before resorting back to a previous state. Just make sure that if you feel like your actions need changing, that your doing it for yourself to make yourself happy in your heart and in your life. Hope this helps out a little bit.

I think the two of you should take a step back and look at what your doing to each other with unbiased eyes. Your clinginess to him is probably pushing him away from commitment, and his lack of commitment is making you want to cling to him. It's like a constat circle that will never end unless the two of you come to terms with what you want out of life. That's the most important thing for you two to look at right now before trying to get back together, which is what do YOU want for YOUR life? But you also need to set your boundries and stick to them. If you don't want to be sex buddies, let him know and stick to it. Don't back out of that position and let him know that sex for you is something that should only be cherished with someone you care about and want to maintain a deep relationship with. I know it's hard, last year I started coming here trying to figure out how to get back with my ex, and got lots of good advice. Right now the two of us are in a bit of unstableness due to a fight, but were both working towards a life with each other, which is something we both personally want. And you need to figure our if that's what you want in your life, especially since your talking about commitment. Can you say without a doubt that you would be completely happy married to this man? Would that happiness in your heart still be there 4 years from now? Would you want to be the mother of his childeren? All of these are serious questions you need to consider and really give some deep thought into them before rushing into a "commited" stage of a relationship. If that's not what you want, or not how you feel, then enjoy the relationship you have and don't over analyze the situation due to lack of commitment from your persecption. Hope this helps out a little.

If your not comfertable being a fbuddy with this person, then tell him flat out that friends don't have sex with each other. If you do want somekind of relationship with him then tell him that if he wants to continue being intimate with you and enjoying all the benifits of a relationship, then he should be in one with you, but if he doesn't then tell him that your not going to keep having sex with him as a friend.

No your age gap is not a big problem. The only issue would be that one of you is old enough to go out to bars/clubs while the other can't (even with a fake I.D. theres the chance you still wont get in). That may interfier with your social life as a couple (when I was 21 my g/f was 20 and it was hard for us to go out with our friends since she couldn't get in most of the places yet). But don't worry about it if both of you are comfertable/happy with each other then just enjoy the moment and forget about all those little worries.

Most of the time I will just leave the radio on some R&B or Jazz station since that music just works great. Other then that I usually throw in a Dredge CD (since my g/f really likes there music too) and let the music play in the background.

If the person you are with doesn't want to be with you in a monagomus (sp?) relationship, says they just want to be friends but continue to have sex and be intimate then you are f-buddies. He can deny it all he wants to make you feel better, but that's the position he has placed you in by saying your just friends while having sex.

I do believe in love at first sight. I was (and still am) in love with my g/f the first time I saw her. She has said that she felt the same way when she first saw me. She said immediately after she saw me she was in love and knew that I was going to be her b/f. But I do agree with Esprit in that love is something that needs to be built up through trust in a relationship.

Well Tiger I wasn't comparing sex to smoking, just the mentality some people have. I to agree that sex is great and healthy and all that other stuff your sex experts say, especially since I'm having sex with a person that I truly love and care about. Yeah sex for you is good too without all those feelings, but the sex your having is meaningless because you know that it's going to end. Yeah my relationship can end too, but because were thinking about a future together and sharing these emotions/feelings with each other, that doesn't come to mind. You, on the other hand know there is a end so you don't really get to experience these same things to the fullest. That's the mentality of most smokers. They say "yeah I'm going to die anyways, so I'm just going to enjoy it while I can". And you say (concerning sex with your friend) "Yeah I know it's going to end one day, but I might as well enjoy it while it lasts". See the similarity. That's all I was trying to say. If you know it's going to end, why waste your time? Sure it feels good and you know that it's something that is "good" for you, but is that reason enough to do something that is practically pointless (since it will end)? You don't have to answer these or anything like that, I just wanted to explain why I used the smoking reference in my previous post. As for the paradox thing. Yeah I'm sure I confused thigns because sometimes it's hard for me to really put down my thoughts on a keyboard, especially when it's late and I'm tired. But you keep saying that you shouldn't/can't be blamed for your ignorance, yet we do it all the time. Doing something wrong, is still doing something wrong whether you knew it or not. Ignorance can't be blamed since once you do find out you did wrong, most people will repent/apolagize for their actions. Your always responsible for what you do no matter what, even if you didn't know the consenquences. Think about when you were a young child and didn't know that throwing a soccer ball at someones head is the wrong thing to do (I didn't ). Usually an adult will come by and say "Hey you shouldn't do that", or "That's not a nice thing to do" right? Maybe you don't see these people as an obvious sign to stop, or you do choose to ignore them because your having fun, whatever the case you proceed to do it again. So the next thing that happens is your in the principles office and he's telling you your in trouble for what you did. When you say "Well I didn't know it was wrong" he can turn around and say "What about those people I sent to you to warn you about it?". Oh yeah, so the first thing out of your mouth is "sorry". God can act in the same way to those who are on the wrong path. Maybe those signs can't always be seen as obvious, maybe some are ignored, but when you come to God he will say "Why did you do those things?" and if you say "Well I didn't know", God can also turn and say "What about these signs I sent you?". Everyone makes the wrong choices sometimes, as said before, it's part of being human. All humans were born destined to go to Hell because all humans are born with sin in their heart. That's why people need to ask for God to come into their heart's, and forgive them because they are a sinner. The ignorance factor wont work because it never can, if it could people would try to get away with murder because they didn't know any better. But even there God has made his rule really clear (by not just making it a Commandment, but making it a crime all accross the world). I know I'm probably still not making any sense at all (long day of work, long night of healthy sex) so I should just stop it now. I need to start responding during the day when I'm awake.

The name should be pretty self explanitory, but if you need to know it's a condition in which a male will ejacualte very quickly during sex (usually within a few seconds). It's a funny term though, since when a guy cums it's because it's time for him to cum, it's not premature. I always found that funny.

Hey Tiger, I just wanted to interject with a few things I've noticed from this thread (I missed out on the discussion since I was gone on a little vacation with my g/f). First I noticed you saying that having a fbuddy helps you learn how to please a woman in bed. Although I do agree with ShySoul on how each person is different, I can understand where this is coming from. Like I said, I've had a few fbuddies back in the day, and I thought the same thing. I figured it would help me understand what positions, speeds, "thrust", and so on really turn a girl on, so when I did find my "true love" I would be ready for her. Well it really didn't help at all. ShySoul is right in saying that it is always a "new" experience when it's with someone you truly love. The first time I had sex with my current g/f, it felt like I was having sex for the very first time again (I could have swore I was loosing my virginity to her). All that "prep" work I had from before was pretty much thrown out the window because it didn't make a difference. Sure I knew more about positions and stuff like that, but I still had to "learn" it with her. That was also part of the pure joy of sex with someone you love, it's "learning" together what the other person likes in the bedroom. Sure learning about it "first hand" with someone else may make you think your getting "bonus points" because you already know a few "tricks", but when you find that one girl you truly love, those old "tricks" wont work and you'll really want to spend some time finding some new "tricks" that are just between you and her. All the stuff that you are learning with your fbuddy won't apply to a "real" relationship (I mean with someone you love) because she will act/respond differently than your fbuddy. Fbuddy relationships are very different that "true" relationship, especially the one you have since you both know there is no future. When your with someone who you know you will want a future with, she will respond very differently to the things you say/do that you thought were fine (believe me I know). No it's not completely useless, but it's not completely benificial either. It's kinda in the middle, it can help you in one sense, but in another it can also be a burden. That choice is up to you. As for your paradox question. Well a lot of people choose to go to Hell. If you choose to reject God and Jesus as your saviour, then your choosing to go to Hell. Sometimes you don't know your walking that dark path until someone comes in a gives you a revelation. Or maybe you wake up one day realizing that the path your walking isn't right anymore. You can argure that God shouldn't punish you for doing something you didn't know was wrong, but when you are leading a life that is wrong then God shows you many "sings" that you need to change. By ignoring those "signs" then you are accepting the blame for what you are doing. Sure you never thought it was wrong so you keep doing it, even after you hear/see all these things that are telling/showing you that it's wrong, but as I said, that was God trying to get you back on the right path. We are all born evil and with sin in our hearts, we are sinners because we are human. It's choosing to save yourself from that sin by accepting God that really "frees" you from everything (including temptation). I don't think I could possibly answer your question in this (or any other thread) since it's something that came from your heart and is something you are trying to deal with. But, yes it's true many people will choose to go to Hell by their own accord, it's very confusing and unbelievable at times, but it's true. You may think that no one will activily choose a path away from God, but some of us do it everyday, unintentionally, and as long as you can notice that you are on the wrong path and need to change, that's all you need to do to help you get back on the right path. remember God gave humanity free will so they can activly choose what path they want without His interferience, but He will be on the sideline watching you every step of the way. As far as this debate is going, you know that there is no right or wrong answer for this. As I said, yes some of these relationships can last for a long time, but (even as you have said) they all come to an end eventually. This is why some people view a fbuddy as a waste, since you know it's going to end eventually, why waste your time (and body) on this . It's like when people smoke. Yeah they know it's bad for them (I used to smoke for about 12 years, and I have asthma to top it off) and some people will say "Well I'm going to die anyways, why not enjoy myself while I'm here?", which sounds like the same approach you have towards sex with a friend. The pro's and con's can be argued for days on end with no end result anywhere in sight, and neither side can say they were the rigth one. If it works it works, that fine and enjoy it if that's what you want for yourself. Others don't want that for themself (no matter how many doctors tell them that having sex would be healthy, they still wont change their minds) and that's also fine for them. I've been on both sides of this fence which is why I can say that there really is no way of getting around this. Yeah it was fun while it lasted, but it had to end. During the times I didn't want those "relationships" I felt better and more "whole" than before. So Tiger best of luck with the speed dating, I hope you do well, and best of luck with your "friend", when things do come to an end hopefully it isn't "ugly" (I had a few that were like yours, but when it came to end they 180'd on me and things were really bad).

Well Tiger I never said mine ended badly, they just ended. Mine were just as "great" as yours is now, and I too used to think that sex was just about the physical act and nothing more. It wasn't until I was in College that I started to feel that I was wasting myself, and my body, in these types of relationships. I felt spiritually wasted and drained, and I knew the only reason for it was that I was giving away something that was more meaningful then just an act of passion. I (like ShySoul) believe that sex is more than just a physcial act, but it's something that joins two people mentally and spiritually. When you have those types of connections, sex is more meanigful and feels more "real" then any F-Buddy can provide. Plus, like I said, when you do find a person that you really want to be with, that person is just like and F-Buddy. The reason why "it never works" is becasue it just can't. Yeah it can last for a long time, and many people are successful at keeping these relationships for a long time, but they do have to come to an end eventually. I know what type of point you were trying to prove with the masterbation question, but the only time I have masterbated in the past 2 years was when my g/f was out of town, and it's not like I could just go get some other girl to just fill that "human desire" that I had. It's all about control, and although you think that you are very mature for being able to have this type of relationship, your lack of abiltiy to control your "human desire" shows the real side. I'm not trying to single you out or say anything bad about you at all (and if you take it that way I do apologize) but it takes an even more mature person to make a real relationship last then it does to make a F-buddy relationship work.

Well for one, like Dragongirl said, cutting will get you nowhere and suicidal thoughts will do nothing to help you out. Believe me many people here (including myself) have been down that path and some of us have gone further down that others. All it does is cloud your vision of life and what is out there for you. Now for you dilema. Well you really can't blame your friend for taking her. Yeah it's a stab in the back to you, since he knew you liked her, but if you were being hesitant and not persuing her, then she was pretty much open for anyone. You say you fell for her and really liked her, but did she knows this, or know how you felt? If she didn't then she was free to choose whoever she wanted to be with, including your friend. Yeah I do agree that it was bad for your friend to betray your trust like that (but I'm guilty of doing that a few times before as well) but maybe this is a way of showing you that you shouldn't trust all your feelings/emotions to someone unless you really know that you can. I don't let anyone, except my family and g/f, know anything about me and how I feel. It is mainly due to trust and I don't want that information used against me (I've known some of these people for over 6 years, and I still don't completely trust them). I do feel bad for you though since you had to experience this type of heartache, but judging from your post, this tends to happen a lot during your time of age (I'm guessing your in JH or HS right now). Some people will do it to be mean, some will do it un-intentionally, and some will do it just out of jealousy. Whatever reason your friend had for taking the girl you liked, well it's done with. There's no taking it back and right now you just need to move forward. If this girl like you, and knew how you felt about her, she would have probably not started dating your friend, and if she did then it just shows you what type of character this girls has. There's plenty more girls out there and you will meet them in good time. Maybe this girl isn't the one for you right now. Best of luck and take care.