lightn

Well it has been a year since my dads death which was January 20, 2006. Since my post back in March of 2006 under my dad passed away. Well as of today, I feel right now everything caving in, and feeling more aggravated at work and feel like should I have said that or not. I have a good job, making money but I work long hours and probably should not do it but I work to keep busy. I found out that my company does not have bereavement, which I think it is wrong but took away 8 hours of vacation away from me which is wrong. I was pissed. Then another coworker burned me after I talk to him about something and this friend emailed on what he emailed to my friend as a blind copy. It seems to me everything I do, I am getting aggravated easily, and or making me upset and just want to cry but so far I have not. No, I have not cried yet either. I keep to myself but then people do not understand why I am so quiet but I do my work. Maybe with my dad death, I am probably feeling it more now then last year when he passed away. I know this when I am getting upset now my migraines are coming back, in which were calm but now lately making an attempt to come back. Has anyone felt like this where everything feesl going wrong it does or feels like everything is against you. Any advice or suggestion will be helpful and take it under advisement. Tom

Coollady1957: Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your husband death and then the kids having to deal with it. I am glad to hear that your son got some help to grieve etc. As for me, still it has been only 2 months and your right people react differently. The Bday will be hard for me and then the anniversary of his death will always be remembered and it is going to be even harder. I am sure one day I will bust out crying where everything seems to get to me, and hopefully will feel better. Again I still have a hard time watching on TV or movies of people dying or getting sick. Anyway thanks for your response. I really appreciate it.

Hey lost souls: I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad at the age of 14 about 2 weeks ago. I know how tough it is. I feel for you. Just take your time and I am sure you want answers why etc. Just know this your dad loved you. The toughest part is going to be bday and the day he passed away etc. Even though it has been only a month I still miss him.

Well when I first wrote about my dad who was very ill on Jan 14th. I was prepared to fly down to Chicago to see him on Jan 21 2006 and be back Jan 23, 2006. As I came home to I went to bed around 10p.m. I get the call at midnight that my dad passed away, 5 hours before my flight. I was in shock. I think I only slept 2 hours and my body was going for almost 24 of no sleep. My emotions were high and so was my sister and buried my dad on Jan 24, 2006. Found out that he remarried after 2 months only but only found out 3 days before his passing. He was living with this women for 6 years and divorced my mom 18 months ago. IT was a shock. Me and my sister she said some cruel things to me before I flew back home to Atlanta. Anyway, the toughest thing was me being a palbearer and then watching him being buried in the ground. That was so tough. The thing I can say is that he is at peace because he really suffered from the illness. He was at one time 175 pounds and he was down to 120 and his heart rate was 140 and gasping for air. I did go back to work the next day and keeping me busy but my emotions are still high. Here is what I am feeling and some friends I have talked to stated it is normal to feel this way. 1. I really wanted to talk to him and say what I need to say but now never had the chance. Those words now will haunt me when he said this 2 years ago that the only time I will see him is when he is dead. Should I beat myself over this, but again cannot help and think maybe I should have gone down earlier 2. When coming home, I cried a bit but that is it but have not had a good cry over this. Is this normal or not. I guess my time will come and let it all out. 3. I have heard this will take 6 months to a year to get the shock over it. Is is true? 4. Now when I see death or someone dying on TV or movies it really upsets me. Why is that? Is it the emotions are still high or will this happen to me all the time? During the time, I wanted to be with people but then again I wanted to be alone. I still most of the time. It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel like am I crazy for feeling this or not? Now my mom is not doing good either. At least one good thing I am busy at work and working out but again the feeling comes and goes and could I have done anything different. I guess I will never know. My sister is going to see a counselor, and she said I should see one but I told her I am grieving and If I need to see one or it gets bad I will consider it. Well thanks for listening. If you care to you can send me a private message or you can email me at link removed[/i]"]whtelightn@link removed. Tom

Mun: Thanks for the support and thanks for your prayers Dako: Thanks for your encouraging words. It is going to be tough seeing him all hooked up with the breathing machine for another 3 months when he falls into a coma because that is what he wants. THe toughest decision will be should it be done?? or go against on what he wants?? Again thanks.

Thanks Raykay for your support and your story is of your boyfriend wow. I am sure that was hard. The thing is that after all this is over, the scary part is how I am going to react after all this, that is the hardest question to answer but your right then I will be blessed with taking one day at a time as a blessing. Yes, I have heard from people that hospisce workers are wonderful and understanding to help this through. You are right for one thing he wants to hang on since he did not sign the DNR and then requesting that he be put on the machine for 3 months. I do know this he was a hard worker and I guess to me that he keeps fightning and it is tough for him to accept this. Yes, that is why I want to come down there before he passes so there is no regrets and tell him I love him for being a father even though we had our differences. I made an attempt 2 years ago but he refused to see me but then found out why because he was already sick with the oxygen tank and losing weight. The thing also with the job since what prettydancer stated she lost her job and no support. It seems right now the job understands. Anyway thanks for your support and telling me the different experiences and what to say and how to react. It is going to be tough.

Prettydance: Wow what a story. I can understand about not being the same and seeing this and it is tough. I saw my grandfather die when I was 10 and that was in my parents house. I did not understand why the blood was coming through his mouth till someone told me why. I saw death and it is scary. My sister is pretty versed since she is a nurse and knows. I am in another state than my parents are. However when I read your story of getting fired that is just sick and not being supportive that is even worse. Your right about keeping to myself but the law also states I have 4 days of bereaverment but I may have to take an extra 2 days but not sure yet. I am usually a private person and of course my boss has to know what is going on. As for the breathing tube that my dad wants to be on, it is ashame that he still wants that for 3 months which I do not get but again we will see. Darkblue: Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it.

I just found out this week from my sister that the hospital now cannot do anything more for my dad. He will be 70 in May. He knows he is dying but also is upset and in tears. He is in Hospisce care now and will be going home on Monday and a nurse will be there from time to time to make him comfortable along with the oxygen tank and morphine. They will stop all of his medication. However he did not sign the DNR and he stated he wants to be kept on a breathing machine for 3 months. My sister said that is not necessarily going to happen either, but I have heard different stories on how long people last or either go fast. Doctor cannot even tell him how long he has. I am going to have to fly down soon to see him before he goes to try to talk to him since me and my dad are not that close but during this rough time he also has acknowledge me Only 2 people at my job knows what is going on my boss and another coworker but that is it. I am just trying to keep busy but right now I am in shock that this is going to happen. This is going to be a tough year and of course my mom is not handling it well either even though her and my dad are divorced. I guess the shock will be when he passes, but I am trying to be strong but it is going to be hard.

moonunit wrote: ] well thanks but still don;t feel that I have completely healed. Sure the job is keeping me busy but feeling this way it is hard.

heloladies21 wrote: I am always myself to the best I can. I cannot act like someone else or put on a show fake it till you make it even though it suppose to be done. It is the hardest thing to do. I sure do hope so that being closed off will go away.

eva1218 wrote: Dear Tom, Yes it has been a long time but also your right some of us take longer than others but how long is long is the nex question. I guess only time will tell. THanks for the hug. I really appreciate it.

Bethany wrote: I am not trying to cling to the past and trying to recover but it is hard. Your right it is her loss. I am hoping that one day she does she see me it with another woman because she does get jealous easily. Again with this job working 12 hours keeps me busy and then making money also helps.

Well it has been 15 months of the breakup from my ex who broke up with me and now it has been 4 months of no contact since I left my job where we worked together. Since now I have tried to focus on myself and making changes in financial area etc but at times it is hard when I see a white mustang driving by since I know she lives about 20 minutes. For those who don;t know my story a brief outline. 1. Dating for 6 months while we working together. 2. Met her parents after 3 months. Parents invited me to dinner most of the time and me and her went out every weekend. She still lives at home at age 29. 3. At work she was smiling, her face glowing and workers had asked about it and she told them, small company. 4. Had planned the vacation together. 5. Broke up with me out of the blue. Her excuses were wanting to get a car, house, feeling pressured from her parents in getting married, has issues and stated THAT I AM ALWAYS AROUND. I also told her HER LOSS NOT MINE and she fell apart. 6. 3 months of no contact while at work. 7. After 3 months finally found an excuse to talk to me about my truck and it was casual after that for 6 months. If I ignored her she would find a way to make conversation. 8. She wanted me to come with her to help her exchange the computer because she felt that she was going to take be taken advantage of. After that she thanked me and stated to me that I will be coming with her car and house shopping. 9. 2 weeks before her bday she asked me to lunch and I accepted. When I asked her she accepted. 10. Sent her a bday card to her house. A week later sent her a letter in telling her how I felt and for to take her time. Bday card was sent back and asked her why and she yelled at me stating it was an attempt to get back together but however she read the letter and then sent that back. On May 31 walked away from my job for other reasons beside her. The next 3 months was the lowest and in a financial low and broke and working jobs here and there. Finally now for 2 months found a good job that I am good at being an investigator for recovery company in finding people who skip out on automobile payments. But who knows how long the job is going to last either, they could let me go anytime. 1. I am working 12 hours a day. Getting paid salary and also bonuses after certain amt of fees that I have accurred. 2. Moved in with a roommate to cut costs. Will have to file bankruptcy which does not make me feel good to do it but needs to be done for a fresh start 3. Working out again after 4 months of layoff. 4. Playing softball with my new company. What I cannot stand is this when this is done: 1. My roommate trys to convince me to go out and since he knows alot of friends and even is trying to say There are alot of single women there. I said I don;t know anyone and I am not a social bug and not the life of the party. I am a shy guy. Even his girlfriend and other women he is dating is trying to do the same thing. I hate that when it is done but in a way my mind says yes to do it but then No, because I don;t want to get close with any woman and even going out I would not be myself. I would think after 15 months and 4 months of no contact that I would feel different but I don;t and I guess it is the fear of being hurt and getting close but why, the road to recovery is still so hard? Why is it so hard.

1. Well have not done that because I am not in a new relationship but If I was it will hold water. 2. Probably would and even since I am not dating my mind still does that. 3. Well that would be up to her on went wrong. Till this date I don;t know what went wrong if anything. 4. Yes it would if I was in a new relationship and would have to think it thru seriously on can she do it again, would she aplogize or act like nothing was wrong, and I am sure it would have to hit her hard to see what she lost. After the breakup I felt like what did I do wrong and then giving me all those lame excuses , but the I would see I did nothing wrong expect treating her well. It is on her and she has isuses. I still care about her and even though the breakup is over a year the no contact has now been 3 months. Her one excuse is that I am always around but now I am not since we don;t work together. Lets see how that works. She did ask about me but it took 6 weeks. but then again she again either her pride is in the way or her emotional issues like nothing happen will get in the way.

I can tell you a few of them that my ex said but they were lame excuses. 1. She has issues need to resolve. 2. I AM ALWAYS AROUND.- Well now I am not always around what then. 3. Feeling pressured by her parents in getting married and having kids. 4. She wants to buy a house and a car, but then she still lives at home. 5. Too much on my plate. 6. I am bothering her when I sent the birthday card but then a week later act like nothing happened and start talking to me.