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numbnut

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  1. FuryLost. I absolutally agree with you. This novel is aimed at 12-16 year olds. To assist that I target the correct reading levels and keep on target I use a monitoring system called Flesh Kinaid. Here is the discription for its use 'The measure of readability used here is the indication of number of years of education that a person needs to be able to understand the text easily on the first reading. Comprehension tests and skills training. This tool is made primarily for English texts but might work also for some other languages. In general, these tests penalize writers for polysyllabic words and long, complex sentences. Your writing will score better when you: use simpler diction, write short sentences. It also displays complicated sentences (with many words and syllables) with suggestions for what you might do to improve its readability.' So in essence it encourages the example that you quite rightly pointed out. However having said that I do write some material aimed at the more mature readers and therein use more complex writing styles. I'm glad that you pointed it out and is a valid point. Besides that what did you think of it? Kind regards
  2. I agree with FuryLost. Its a bit wordy and at times doesn't link in. Another thing that i picked up on is that your use of commas isn't helping your flow,for example you wrote A dull glow swayed softly in the air, a lamp, in front of the structure, although its flame was stumbling for stability in the cool breeze. It would read better like this A dull glow swayed softly in the air, a lamp in front of the structure. Its flame was stumbling for stability in the cool breeze. Although 'stummblig for stability' doesn't really go. You're trying to be too descriptive as mentioned above. Have a read of the following extract from my current project. Its a fantasy novel. This bit hasn't been copy edited as yet but you'll get the gist. Let me know whay you think. Look at the use of punctuation and the way it helps the flow. Once Sable and his party has settled into their sumptuous suite the evening before, and the embarrassment of their ‘entry to the Council’ had died enough for normal routine to establish itself Sable called his escort commander to him in his lounge. The Commander was a stocky, broad shouldered man. A foot shorter than Sable but obviously much stronger and battle toughened. In his full armour he looked like a shinny doughnut with a tiny head protruding from the middle. He was called Gansper. Sable had noticed him at first when there was a raucous fight amongst the then undisciplined guard, he had sorted out twenty fighting soldiers single handed, each of the fighters eventually showing him due respect. Sable had promoted him on the spot. Since then he had been promoted twice more and was now Sable’s most trusted soldier, hence the post as head of the escort. ‘Is all in order as previously discussed?’ enquired Sable without even looking up at the guard. ‘Sire all is done as you asked. I have personally checked the detail. My men are now searching for listening posts, cavities in the walls and any hidden spy holes. We should have that completed in less than an hour’. Gansper replied in report fashion. There was no friendship between them. Sable recognised the ability of the Guard. Gansper was a soldier who did as ordered without question, this, Sable admired and would exploit to the full. ‘Good. Now please ask the Abbott and Lord Pasi to come to me and have our special friend wait outside my door.’ Sable looked up with wide eyes, menacing, this would have disturbed any one else, but not Gansper he was not afraid of Sable. ‘We are not to be disturbed without question, even if the place is falling down’. ‘Very good Sire’ Gansper snapped a salute at King Sable and left the room smartly. Whilst awaiting the arrival of his guests Sable called for warmed wine and a few snacks to eat for four. The house servant hurried off with the request. Contemplating his next move Sable smiled to himself and the thought of soon having the Empire to himself and rule how he chose. No more with the wishy-washy diplomacy waste of time. Expand and conquer, dominate and force opponents in to submission. Eric and especially that scholar Bjarki have a lot to learn about being a ruler he thought. Sable was brought back to reality by a sharp wrap of knuckles on the closed door. ‘Come’ snorted Sable. For some reason his mood had dropped in the last couple of minutes, probably because his father Berengar had not bequeathed him the empire, but he had to share it with his brothers, the thought still chilled him. The door opened and in sauntered the Abbott still in his travelling clothes albeit cleaner in appearance than usual. The Abbott bowed and made his way over to some cushions sited next to Sable. Pasi, now changed into something lighter, more refined than his travelling clothes, followed the Abbott and sat opposite the King. Both bowed in unison and sat back waiting for Sable to begin. Sable sat in contemplation for a few minutes, his reverie only broken by the serving of the beverages and snacks he ordered. At last he spoke to Pasi, ‘Stupid move of you earlier Lord Pasi. I am most distressed that you have been discovered so soon in our visit here. Please ensure that you will follow orders from now on and too the letter’. Sable finished and took a sip from his warmed wine. It was indeed of fine quality but his appreciation would have to wait a while. ‘Sire’, started Pasi in a servile tone, ‘I was not aware that there would be a, lets say trap, for now at the entrance of the city, otherwise I would have made other arrangements to get our equipment within our quarters here. I can only apologise’. Pasi concluded with a low bow. ‘Only apologise. That’s it Pasi. Are you sure? Only apologise’, Sable was getting angrier by the second, his face turning scarlet, his voice booming now. ‘I would suggest that you get a grip of yourself and start to be of use to me here, because if you can’t then I’m not going to offer any excuses to the council pertaining to your presence’. ‘Thank you my lord’ again Pasi bowed low, this time wishing every curse upon the man in front of him. Pasi rose back to his sitting position and looked directly at Sable. ‘It will not happen again. You have my word Sire’. The former King offered a passive smile as false as the loyalty he now exhibited. During the exchange the Abbott sat statue like trying to avoid getting caught in the middle of his two superiors, and end up being the scapegoat. Just the thought of what either of them could do to him made him overtly shudder. Sable noticed the involuntary motion and turned on the cleric. ‘Do you have a problem Abbott? for if you do I’d like to hear of it’. ‘No problem your highness, I am just a bit cold, that’s all’ the Abbott bowed slightly. Sable snorted and returned to his thoughts. No one moved a muscle; the other two apart from Sable did not wish to antagonise the King of Elamuna further save for their skin. However, about five minutes later, which seemed and entirety to the others, Sable smiled, firstly at the Abbott, and then at Pasi. ‘Abbott, I would like you to come to the main chamber with me in the morning. Join me at the negotiations and debate, you are a learned man these things should interest you. Also you’ll be able to report back to your Raleem Bishop with first hand information as he has instructed you, will you not?’ The last part was, as cutting as it was meant to be, for Sable ‘The Black’ knew that he would never be able to rule over the Raleem. They were a law unto themselves and had been for centuries no matter who ruled or tried to force them to submission. This really Irked Sable. The Abbott cringed under the gaze of the King; however Sable just smiled at the obedient nod from the fat cleric. Sable then turned to Pasi and also smiled at him too. ‘Pasi please forgive my outburst, it was unfair as I too would have done the same had I been in your unfortunate position’. Sable really emphasised the sarcasm, but followed it with a bow and another smile. Pasi followed suit and remained silent, covertly seething, plotting revenge that perhaps one day would be his. ‘I have a special duty for you to do my Lord Pasi’, this time no sarcasm. ‘As you both know I have need to get all of the gem sets in my possession. I know for a fact that King Bjarki always has his gems nearby, where ever he goes. It is therefore necessary that they happen to fall into my ownership as soon as possible and before the end of this Council session. Again you both know that I have had a copy of the gems made. I have brought them with me and thanks to you Lord Pasi. Your diversion at the City entrance prevented them from being discovered and for that I thank you’. Sable looked at the Abbott then back to Pasi and bowed low to both men. Then he continued ‘Lord Pasi I know how much you want to go to the Council meet, but for now lets put that on the side lines. I have a much more important task for you which may lead a speedier reclamation of your former lands’. Again this notion was just bait for compliance from Pasi. Pasi could not believe his ears. He would do almost anything to get Elamuna back. It was his by inheritance from his father, and his right too. The Abbott again openly shuddered at the thought of Pasi being ruler again over his former kingdom. ‘Still cold Abbott?’ asked Sable, really knowing the reason for the shudder. He chose to ignore it further. ‘Pasi I need you to manage a disturbance for me whilst I am in Chambers in the morning, one that will get me the gems that I need, and replace them with the false set’. Sable smiled and continued. His face now stern, looking Pasi straight in the eyes ‘do not let me down. You would not like the consequence my Lord’. Sable ‘The Black’ bowed; this time respectfully as he imagined that failure would be the only outcome. The three continued to chat for a while, the threat made to Pasi temporarily forgotten and the fact that the Abbott had to attend council pushed to the back of conversation. Wine flowed and the evening drew darker outside. Sable then announced that he had someone he would like the others to meet, now. Sable clapped his hands; the lounge door opened and in walked a female form. She was bedecked from head to toe with a black sheet. Only the eyes were visible through cutouts in the cloth. Her gait was feminine and seductive, she almost glided accross the room and stood next to Sable where she stopped and knelt next to the King, without a word she offered him a hand, which he took and tenderly kissed before it was withdrawn back under cover. Sable smiled, ‘Gentlemen this is our secret agent who will remain unknown to you both’, and Sable was in his element teasing the two hypocrites that served him. ‘Please remember the details that I will now impart to you both. I will say them only once and they must be obeyed to the letter for the plan to work. Failure is not an option’, he said specifically looking at Pasi. ‘We have but one chance and that is tomorrow morning. Now listen carefully’. Sable went over the plan in the smallest detail. He questioned those present in the room to gather their understanding of what was to happen. By the small hours everyone knew what was to be done, by whom and when. Then they all retired for the rest of the night, the female followed Sable to his bedchamber and didn’t leave until dawn. I'm sure you get the idea. Good luck with your novel and let us know how its going.
  3. Hi, I write too. I'm currently writing my first novel, about 60K words in, but I have the opposite problem. My brian is jammed full and I can't get the stuff down. I also belong to a Writers' Guild. Each month we have a separate theme to write about and I find this helps to widen the versitility of my writing. I have some stuff published on writing sites on the net. But ext month I will have my first short story published in a national magazine (Yay! I'm a writer now). I write an minimum of 300 words per day. I just sit and write. Sometimes I have a plan what to write about, or something has inspired a piece. If I have no set plan then i just write what comes into my head. No one ever sees most of it, but then it does help when I sit and continue my book or short story. As far as peolpe bothering about what you write is really moot. You bother so write it and put it out there you may be surprised at the reaction. If you inspire someone to respond or even think about your writing then you have suceeded. Not everyone is going to be a J K Rowing, Oscar Wilde or Steophen Hawking. Be happy with being you and be happy with what you write about, what else matters. May you life be filled with good books
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