Krikkit

Thanks much for all the advice. You guys have been a lot of help. She knows I care for her a lot, but I just want to make absolutely sure I do what's best, since I get the feeling she hasn't gotten as good as she's deserved in life so far.

My girlfriend was sexually abused as a child. It seems lately that our relationship is getting serious; we've already talked about whether we want children, our goals in life, and she's trusted me enough to talk to me about her childhood abuse. I guess what I'm getting at is, if/when we come to the point in our relationship where we decide to get married (which would obviously also mean a sexual relationship)...is there anything at all that I do to help her work through her issues? Or do I just need to be there for her?

I'm a virgin as well...22 year old male. I would have to say that on the one hand, I would like someone with more experience than I have...I have no qualms about learning a lot from my partner. In fact, I think I would find myself most comfortable in that role. But on the other hand, I've really planned on not having sex until marriage, and the person I'm currently dating is definitely not a virgin. We've talked about it, and she's done her best not to pressure me into anything...but at the same time, I almost sort of start pressuring myself into things, because I want to make her happy (Not that I wouldn't enjoy things myself, but I've had enough years of controlling myself to keep my own hormones in check). So I guess it really depends on your perspective.

I've been in variations on this situation a few times with different people, with the reasons for my affections not being returned different every time. If you face up the facts right off the bat and do the best you can to deal with it, you can probably go on being friends. If you really honestly love her...well, I know with me those feelings have never gone away. I've actually had to walk away from a friendship because she had a boyfriend she claimed she loved, and we could both tell things weren't gonna work out with us as just friends. It took us six months to figure it out. And I've been in the situation where the girl just saw me as a friend...once again, it took me about six months to work through that. But now we're pretty good friends again. It really honestly depends on a lot of things, but no matter what, as brando said, DO NOT PESTER her. It may be easier than you think to pester someone. Just try to deal, and don't sit around all starry-eyed believing or hoping she'll change her mind. 9999 times out of 10000, she won't. Don't count on this being that one time. Good luck with whatever you decide to do in your situation!

Also, in case anyone took that as sarcasm, I really meant it. I really do miss the obvious answer all the time. Thanks again.

Hmmmm...I hadn't considered this at all, even though I've known it to be a problem in the past. Thanks for pointing out the obvious, guys! Yeah, I've had confidence problems for years. I used to be a complete nerd (the stereotyped, completely fashion-less, glasses-wearing, hair-parted-on-the-side type), and most of it comes from years of being an outcast as a kid. It wasn't until I was 18 that I really got tired of it enough to do something. So I developed a sense of fashion, and changed not so much the way I acted, but how what parts of my personality I show to others. It didn't really change who my best friends were, but it did change the way I'm able to interact in everyday situations. Anyway, ramble ramble ramble. I guess things like this don't really call for analysis. Thanks, and I guess I'll try to think a little less and do a little more. And I guess I'll try to feel better about myself, though I find it hard to do these days (even though I'm more popular than I used to be).

Okay...this may make me seem rather stupid, but here goes. I have a bit of a complex, in that I always think that anybody I meet doesn't like me, unless I've specifically been told otherwise. So I end up spending a lot of time trying to make people like me, when maybe they already do. Anyway, the upshot of this is that the same problem extends to my interactions with the opposite sex. I've spent my life alone, having never dated anyone, and it seems that I have done so needlessly. My brother and a good friend of mine have both told me in the last few days that plenty of their friends think I'm attractive/sweet/"hot"/whatever. It's just that no one ever makes a move or lets me know...I can only assume they're just as shy/unsure as I am. I guess my question is: how do I learn to read this in people? Barring that, how can I get people to let me know in some way? Some might suggest that I just take a chance and ask someone, but to be honest, I'm not usually attracted to someone unless I know them really well or I know they like me, as well. Perhaps it's some sort of emotional defense mechanism or some such; in any event, it exists, and I can't seem to shake myself of it.

I've come upon a bit of a problem in the last year. I have a lot of really good friends who are both female and dating someone else. My problem is that in several of these cases, I have apparently become very enticing...to the point that they start trying to get me to do stuff (kiss, make out, etc.). They have boyfriends! I'm not going to cheat on someone (I don't even know some of the boyfriends)...even if I do really like someone. And in most cases, I always know that when it comes down to it, they won't really break up with their boyfriend. These situations have each ended differently, but almost all of them have put a strain on our friendship, either permanently or for a while. There's even one that I've been questioning if maybe I should have done something, because I like her so much...we're best friends, we always know what the other is thinking, we enjoy doing everything together...but I know that not doing anything was the right thing to do, as she claims she loves her boyfriend very much (to the point of discussing marriage). Anyway, my question is, since this is almost entirely only the case with people who already have relationships, what kind of signals could I be putting out that would might cause these sorts of situations to come up?

Thanks for all the advice! I'd love to date her, but I'm also quite content to have her just as a really good friend. I guess I'll just wait and see how her current relationship turns out, and I definitely don't want to push things.

I recently met a wonderful person...we hit it off and became instant friends. I love being around her...we share so many common interests, our personalities mesh well...I've never felt so comfortable around anyone my entire life. I thought about asking her out, but when we were eating dinner one night, she recounted her "life dating story" and told me she'd been dating this guy for over a year. I just wrote it off, even though I really liked her, and resolved to be just good friends. However, signals that I thought I'd been getting from her persisted, and I soon found out from a mutual friend that she is thinking about breaking up with her current beau to date me...we've discussed our mutual attraction once or twice, and spend a lot of time together, but I don't want her to do something she's going to regret (like break up) down the road. There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with her current relationship (even after over a year), but the signals she's sending are getting continually stronger. She and I are different religions, and her current boyfriend shares her religion...this is another possible stumbling block to a relationship. Basically, I don't want her to mess up a perfectly good relationship just because of me, and I don't want anyone to get hurt (such as her current boyfriend) unnecessarily. I feel kind of guilty, like I've somehow put her in this position where she's torn between us, and I'm not sure what to do...I know it's her decision...I just don't want her to regret it. Also, we haven't known each other that long (even if I feel like I've known her forever), so I guess I should just wait it out...I just don't want either myself or her current boyfriend to get drug along, and I don't want her to end up hurt...

Thanks for your input! I really condensed what happened, and ended up leaving a lot out, but suffice it to say I've been wondering whether this friendship is worth it, or whether she is likely to repeat the same behavior again...it's not been easy dealing with it this time around, and I don't think it will be any easier the next time around. I know she has a lot of emotional issues she needs to work through, some of which I don't think she even realizes are there. But it's nice to hear some (even slightly) positive suggestions about our friendship.

Several months ago one of my best friends and I both found out we liked each other quite a bit. We were all happy and giggly all the time (the typical infatuation symptoms, I'm sure, for a 20 and 21 year old I cared for her deeply as a friend already, and we both felt that something very good could come of this. However, slow though I may be, I eventually realized what was happening. She was currently dating someone, a good friend of mine, and I made it clear that I wasn't going to go behind someone's back, so we both cooled off. Three or four months later, she broke up with him. Then she started yo-yoing back and forth, sometimes acting interested in me and other times not. When I asked her out on a date, she actually blushed. But, a week later, when I asked her if she was actually interested in me or not (I wasn't sure because of the yo-yoing), she told me no, and that she'd been interested a few months ago, but wasn't anymore. A couple of days later she started dating this guy she met at a dance club. People had told me she was just stringing me along, but I hadn't believed them...maybe I'm a bit naive. Can anyone with a bit more experience than me take a guess at what's going on here?

I have to agree with what everyone has said here, as a guy in a similar position. I'm 21 and I realized several months ago that I'd never been out on a date...I just thought that it was because I'm nerd and that no one was really attracted to me. When I started asking my friends questions, it turns out that at least one of my good friends had had a crush on me for years. When I asked them about it, I was told that I appeared intimidating...I guess I just closed everyone off or something. Anyway, several months later, I've learned to open up and reciprocate a little bit, and while I still haven't found the unattached girl of my dreams, I am often told by women that I am "cute", "handsome", "funny", "charming", "would make a perfect boyfriend" (this from someone attached), and on occasion...get this...that I am "sexy." Who would have thought?! So never sell yourself short.

Thanks for the advice. I have actually already been hurt quite badly a couple of times, so I know what you mean...I end up leaving myself extremely emotionally vulnerable when I care for someone; in fact, I've struggled with that very problem for the last few months. That was part of the reason I was wondering. Thanks again!

I hope this is the right forum to ask this...mainly I'm just wondering if I differ from the norm at all. I've never been physically attracted to women until I'm emotionally attracted to them (which almost always means they're a good friend). It's like they become physically attractive to me once I'm attracted to their personality, their quirks, etc. Is this common among men? I can identify characteristics that most people would consider attractive (i.e. symmetry, facial structure, physical ratios, etc.) but I don't find myself attracted to them myself...