dreamweaverdude

Piers, To some degree i can say i have been where you are so my advice is from the heart and experinece. Sounds like you have a lot of things going your way, you seem to have a job that is rewarding, you seemed proud of your house, you have wonderful children, and reading between the lines a forgiving wife. I don't pretend to know where the breakdown occurred but for you to start looking elsewhere, something was not right in your marriage. It may have been simply on your side but something somewhere gave you the rationale to look elsewhere. I'm usually not one to give direct advice but i feel in this case i know what i am talking about. Your feelings for S are real. No one doubts that. But S didn't raise your kids, and deal with all the issues of helping you get to where you are in life... your wife did. Don't get me wrong...... i was married 21 years before me and my wife parted way and it was not always a pretty sight, but from what I've read... you owe it your kids, your wife, and yourself to go to counseling and see if what was missing can be fixed and you and your family get back on the road to recovery. One of the earlier posters is right, your feelings for S are strong. But dude, think about it... you were unfaithful to your wife to be with S.. what impression longterm do you think that will have with S. If he was unfaithful on her for me will he do me the same way. I mean the whole relationship is built on lies and deceipt to begin with. Cut S out of your life. TODAY. Either decide your marriage is worth saving or not. Then act on it. And don't ingore the counseling advice, I did for a long time and now i go ever so often. One of the best things i ever did. and i was stubborn about it for a long time. Sounds like you have the chance to do what is right. But only you know what is right for you. Good Luck in your decision.

Jay, Admittedly having been to strip club, unless it is one different than i have ever seen, nothing happened. And he surely didn't see anymore than he would have on some public beaches in this country. I have to admit in reading your topic and your reply, without offending you, i hear insecurites coming thru. And i'm not trying to turn the table. He should understand and know how you feel, and i'm not saying him attending a strip club while in a relationship is the right move to make, BUT it does sound to me that you are arn't very secure in where you stand with him, and that him attending such is comparing you to them. I honestly doubt that was the case. Most guys that go to clubs of that nature admittedly go for a visual thrill, NOT to compare. Just another opinion for what its worth

Steven, One of the toughest lessons in life to learn is that there isn't ANYTHING you can actively do to restore trust. Trust, once broken, is healed only by time and 'good behavior'. And candidly, as much as you want her to trust you, be yourself and be trustworthy.... and it be restored but dont push..... It's not an issue you can by pushy about.

What i am learning is: 1) Relationship are definitely a two-way street. Dont put all the effort in it to make it work. Make the other side contribute so that both feel like they have a vested interest in the relationship. 2) Dont ever beg to stay in a relationship. It only drives you further away. Use the NC to either draw them back in or heal.

This is actually a fairly nice quote but definitely some major flaws in the logic and whoever wrote never PICKED apples. FLAWS: The apples at the top always eventually fall to the ground and become rotten. The apples at the top can be just as wormy as those at the bottom The apples at the top don't get the attention of the other apples because they tend to hide up in the shelter of the tree, they are usually very hard to get. Ever even tried to get a ladder in the brances of a tree to try to even get the upper apples.... Nothing wrong with feeling special. We should all feel special. BUt the apples at the top of the tree so many times are there because they want to be 'hard to get', they want to be sheltered, and they think that the 'greatest boy' will climb the tree to get them, when in reality if they dont watch it... they fall to the ground like the rest of the apples..... At least the apples at the bottom of the tree that are watch everyday by the boy, are generally taken care of more, and definitely chosen earlier... So what's the choice... be the upper apple or the lower apple? Actually that should be the question of this thread.. and I'll tell you.... the apples at the top of the tree taste no different than those at the bottom. So which do you wanna be the one at the top or the one at the bottom?

Attraction must be on both sides of the fence and it appears here to be one-sided. DOnt be pressured into dating someone you're JUST NOT INTO. What's the point of it. You do nothing but feed the fire and set him up for a worse hurt down the road. If you dont want to go out. Nip it. NOW

Echo, I have had those same thoughts numerous times within the last month. This woman i had dated for almost a month and it looked like it was heading a lot further on the spur of the moment told me she 'need time and space'. Long story short there were issues on both sides that needed to be dealt with but what i have found out about the situation is this...... the pleading and begging does nothing but make you look pitiful, desperate, and needy. None of which are attractive features. The NC plays in your favor.... first off, if the NC doesn't draw them in what have you lost ( they are already gone anyway), the NC causes them to wonder what is up with you ( you are no longer caling them or emailing them daily), and in my case make you appear NOT to be so needy. I have just come to learn within the last few weeks that NC isn't so much a way to deal with the loss of a relationship, it can very well be a way to REGAIN a relationship. Everyone wants something they can't have ( i was told that by a dear friend recently) and if you make yourself NOT SO AVAILABLE and a little more mysterious is can actually be a lure or a drawing card to bring someone back close to you. It's hard. You want to talk to them so bad and see how things are. DON'T. You want them to make sure they realize you HAVE a life outside of them. No one wants to be smothered and sure dont want to look desperate. IF they are actually relieved that you are not badgering them anymore.... the peace and quiet you mention MAY IN FACT be a lure back. Give it a shot, I AM..... unless you have an inside to her real thoughts.... it's all a gamble..... question is ..is she worth the wait?

Redhook, Your heading caught my attention. Someone that I had been very attached to in a very very short period told the exact same words recently. And i was confused and upset, not knowing exactly how to read it. In my case it was her need to regroup. Her dad was in need of a surgery that no one knew where the $$$ was coming from and a grandmother on her death bed with cancer. On top of that, work was getting very stressful, and candidly i think i was smothering her and wanting more time and energy than she had to give. So all of this added up to more than she could handle at once i think. In my case again, I'm still in the 'giving her the time and space' and its not easy. You want to be with her so bad you can't stand it, but as i was told yesterday if i dont give her the time and space... I'll could lose her forever. The one thing you dont want to do is push her away. This was her way possibly of saying several things: 1. Dont smother me or try to take too much time from me. 2. Life is just too hectic right now 3. She might very well be testing you to see if you will stay or go, to see 'how into her' you are. It could be easily one or parts of all of the above. Being patient is NOT easy, letting go is not EASY. But i have come to the conclusion there is a time that we have to let someone go to see if they come back, especially if that is what they want. If it doesn't come back, well obviously it wasn't going to make it anyway. The mental mode i am in now is like this and just was dealing with this this morning when i saw your topic. If she has asked to 'for time and space' give it to her. If you dont give it, she will take it. And if she has to 'take it' you're history. And i figure at this point, since I want her in my life... what do i have to lose except some time in giving it to her. Again in my case, she temporarily stopped the relationship and said 'give me time and space'... so until she is ready to try again or move on.. i have nothing to lose and all to gain by waiting. In my mind, she has already 'left' to some degree, now its just a matter of letting her sort thru some issues. Don't give up... but don't pressure. and it hards when someone you love and have given your heart to.... backs away. Good Luck

Don't lie! You have and continue to put this girl at risk by your lying and deceit. Stand up, take it on the chin and do the right thing. Age will teach you that LYING never gains you anything in life.

Briella, You've been with this guy 4 years and you got stiffed. well iwould not be so underststanding. If you were important to him he would have been there.. no matter what.... You need to review your relationship...... ASAP.

Ok.. for the first time ever I need to shave 'below' in the pubic area in order to deal with an allergic reaction to my washing detergent. It has caused my skin to break out into a dry skin rash... so I need to trim some in order to apply a treatment... question is....having never really 'maintained' that area other than cleaning.... what is the trend? what is the preference by female of how a man grooms himself below.. figure while i am there... might as well landscape the yard...... so this was not intended to be a cutesy question to see what people would say... but i would like to get some genuine female responses as to what they prefer.......

I definitely agree with bkjsun and red10.. start you a jornal and lets you emotion out. express them.. i've done that before and it worked... before i was through i had written over 300 pages... I would publish it.. but LOL... ANd to be honest thinking about it again. When you put so much into a relationship and feel betrayed or hurt afterwards it hurts, if it didn't there would be something wrong with us, or we would be cold hearted. Don't let it take over your thoughts. Find SOMETHING to occupy your mind. I know. I'm dealing with the same thing on a smaller scale. I just got dumped two weeks ago and all i can think of is this woman. ANd i know i shouldn't, i know I should try hard to move on and have tried, but its like she's always in my mind. And like you, i want to hear her explanation ... but know i probably never will....... Find time for you...... try not to be alone as much..... occupy your mind with something else. Write in a journal and then find you a puzzle book.. Don't dwell on it. Good Luck

Natalie, I never relaly thought about it that way. I"ve never been anyone's 'fall back guy', but you know she did say when she dumped me... that maybe in 3-4 months we'd see how things are......... so maybe that is what she meant. Who knows..... i know i still care for her.. jl301, i admit i'm the one finding it very hard to NC. I've not smothered her at all since she dumped me, but i have sought out answers.... with nothing but NC in return, until today. So having been out of the 'dating scene' for a long time.... just confused is all.

Ok, after a week and a half of NC after she dumped me.... the 'ex' GF messages me today via yahoo and we chat for literally maybe a minute and then she ends by saying Well good luck ... just give me time and space... gotta go I've heard that phrase a many time.... and i know every 'case' is different.. so come on girls you tell that to a guy..what does it mean to you?

My thoughts on this are..... degrees are not the solutions in life, but they nearly always open the door for opportunity. There will be many many jobs inthe future that even though the degree will not be important for the job, it becomes a sorting criteria... if there are two, three people looking at the same job and one has a degree and two dont... guess who gets the job. NOw that said, i have a degree and an advanced certification within a well respected profession. That in and of itself does NOT guaranteee success, you can be successful in whatver you decide. I have know farmers who with a small farm and hard work became millionaires.... so you can make it in anything IF YOUR HEART IS IN IT. You have to decide what it is in life you want. Take the time to find out.