Snow93

I wish I could speak to you but I know it’s not gonna help. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I realise now that trying to forget about you by hooking up with other girls is just stupid. It’s just made me feel dirty and like a creep. It isn’t rewarding at all. Maybe it’s being so far from home that’s making me feel lonelier and so I’m seeking a physical closeness with whoever. Anyway, I guess you wouldn’t need to hear any of that. It’s just for all your faults I feel like you did make me a better person when I was around you. Even if it was just to counter your negativity. Maybe it made me forget my own? It’s weird how we just don’t talk at all now. I mean before the break up we didn’t speak much any way because you were so busy but it’s weird how the connection cut so suddenly. I should be grateful to you for not contacting me but another pathetic part of me still finds myself hoping to get a message from you. No idea what I’d want you to say though. I thought I’d be more mature by this point but I feel like I’m going off the rails a little here. I need to give my head a shake. I’m gonna lose friends on top of losing you. I dunno if the damage is already done or what. I guess I just want to know if you’re okay. ... annnd I guess it’d be nice to know if you missed me. Although judging from how callously you could speak about your exes to me I doubt you’re in that bad of a shape. You never were the sentimental type. Even though we didn’t live together, seeing you every couple of weeks was something to look forward to. Now I’m just coming home to an empty house and combating the loneliness by heading to the bar on the weekends. That poor bartender has to listen to my problems all the damn time in my less than perfect Japanese. Hey, it’s all practice though right? I owe what skill I do have in the language to you at the very least. I’m rambling like hell. My thoughts are kind of disorganised now. Speaking to you would put things in perspective sometimes. Like I said, I think I’m just especially low because of how woman crazy I’ve been lately. I need to reel that in. Stop drinking so much. Ugh what a mess. It was for the best we broke up. No doubt about that. But I do miss you.

**** you. You're not a good person, despite what you made me and are presently making others think.

Dreamt about you for I think only the second time since the breakup. I was yelling at you about everything that happened. It didn't feel good or cathartic though. I felt disgusted; at you for what you did and at me for being so vicious to you in the dream. I know it was just a dream but it honestly feels like we had another real argument, it just brought everything back. I guess I'm still angry at you. I've just been telling myself you don't exist anymore and trying to ignore it. It made me miss you too. I have to keep reminding myself how your bad points outweigh the good. I still know I was right to leave you but sometimes that doesn't make things any easier.

Sometimes this crushing loneliness really gets to me. Especially at night. If I hadn't left you we would be together every night and I wouldn't feel lonely. But I have to remind myself I was right to leave. This loneliness will be gone in the morning. Your infidelity won't.

It's been a while since I felt like contacting you but I feel like it today. Dissertation stress is really getting to me and you were always good at de stressing me. Every time I see our old apartment I get pangs of sadness. That was an amazing time we had together there. Just us and no one else, I loved it. Whenever I see it at night, there's a light on. It's weird to think a stranger is living there now. I just try to take comfort in the fact that nothing can change the fact that we lived there and we experienced that happiness. Every time I go food shopping I have to walk past where you used to work. How I used to wait for you to finish so we could shop together. It's so weird being in the same routine but with you missing. It's hard. Knowing we can never be together and that I'll almost definitely never see you again is a horrible thought. I've been mostly happy and the break up hasn't hit me nearly as hard as last time but of course it still hurts. I know the bottom line is us being apart is for the best but still. Our life together was perfect. Why'd you have to ruin it? In spite of what happened, I love you and I always will. I miss you. Everywhere I look I see something to remind me of you. I won't ever forget you, but I don't want to forget. I'm mostly ok, today was just another bad one. I don't have to pretend you weren't part of my life, you were. You influenced it a lot. I wish things didn't end this way.

I miss you. I miss our texts. I miss our inside jokes. I miss falling asleep together. This is for the best though. If you valued all that as much as me this wouldn't have happened. I know mistakes happen, I've made them too. But youve went too far with them. I miss you so much but I know I need to be stong and go forward. Without you. No matter how you treated me, we have a huge history and a part of me will always love you. But I have to move on.

You think it makes it all okay to cheat on me and treat me like crap for months if you apologise and smother me with empty promises and praises afterwards? It's funny how you only "realise" how great ur relationship is after that long. We've known each other 8 years, I'm pretty sure you knew we were great together anyway. It's obvious to me that you tried with this guy and hey, yet again, you got screwed overYou know the difference this time? This time I'm not stupid enough to take you back. I've heard your whole thing before. How many times do you think you can get away with it? You cheated twice and called me out about having trust issues. Excuse me, you were lucky to even have me remain in your life that long. And you thought the logical thing to do was to cheat on me again, go even further than you did before? You're unbelievable. I can't believe you'd do this to us again. We were amazing together. This is on you though, you're the one who didn't treat me right. You actually have the nerve to say I'm throwing away our 8 years together? I've done nothing but try to overlook your betrayals. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm loyal and I care and I believe in working everything out. But I'm not stupid either. I know when I'm not appreciated. Why should I stay around? I didn't throw anything away; you did when you made the choice to cheat. Again. Take responsibility.

You blew it again. It feels weird being the dumper this time. What choice did I have? That was the last straw. You had the opportunity to fix things with me but you left it too late. You made irreversible mistakes. I can't ever trust you again. Yes, we have history. A ton. But maybe we've just outgrown each other. I deserve someone better who I can trust, who won't hurt me over and over and who won't just tell me it'l be different next time. It's pointless to go over it again and again. It's not healthy. I have to let you go. I can't even look at you the same way anymore.

My god. You are unbelievable. You make my blood boil. I know you want to break up but you don't want to be the one to feel guilty about it like last time. I have taken you back not once but twice and AGAIN you **** this up. And again, you make me feel horrible for it and treat me like dirt on your shoe. I so want to message yu again and tell you to stick this relationship. But I've had some alcohol and I need to have a clear head to tell you. I really hate you right now. I message you and try to talk and you call me a stalker. WHEN I DON'T MESSAGE IT'S MY FAULT WE'RE DRIFTING. You're impossible. You can't deal with relationships. You're a stupid little girl who thinks everything revolves around you. I hate you. This is so unhealthy. I need to break up with you. But you've wrapped me around your little finger; you've used my pure love for you and you've made it into this sick control method that hurts me so much. I need to end this. You're not going to. All you do is put off us talking. I know you're waiting for me to pull the plug. Is that me gicing in if I do? I don't know. I know you just want to be the "victim". "Oh, he broke up with me, he's so terrible, isn't there my true love out there who can truly be there for me always?" Well guess what? I was nothing but there for you. You're the one who ruins it. You're a filthy cheat. You're below me. You don't deserve my loyalty. You deserve my hatred and my venom. You're a piece of trash. I wish I could use stronger language. You've ruined me three times now. Three. Times. You are some sort of demon bent on messing me up.

Hey you. What the hell is your problem? You don't care about this anymore. That much is obvious. I'm holding on because I care about you. I know I look stupid. I know I've been hurt so much by you. In spite of myself, I still hold on to you. Recently I've been giving you the same treatment you've been giving me. Have you noticed? Probably not, you're so selfish ans caught up in your own desires right now that I doubt you remember me. I want us to be together, for us to have what we had when we weren't separated by distance. But guess what? You have to put more effort in. I told you that and you haven't really followed up on it. For better or for worse, I know I'll be okay though. If you come arounnd before the ultimatum then great, I'll keep trying. Maybe I'm stupid to do that but I'm determined to see this through no matter what; I don't give up easily, not like you. You're so weak willed. If you break up with me then my head will spin for a while. I'll go into that spiral of depression again.I'll hurt again. But I'll get better eventually with help from my friends, family and games. Just like last time. It's up to you.

We're not exes yet. I hope I'm not jinxing anything. But I knew we've been over things so much that getting angry at you directly isn't going to resolve anything. It'll just make things worse. I can't believe you. I've taken you back and shown more patience (and probably foolishness) than anyone else I know. Nobody else would take this much. But I can't bring myself to break up with you. I don't think we're beyond fixing. But you need to put more into this or it's not going to be fixed. Whether you think you can or can't, you're right. Even with our future set, you worry now about commitment. Seriously? I remember asking about the idea of forgiving you and taking you back for one last chance on this forum. Some said go for it and some warned me not to get involved for it to repeat all again. I remember one person saying that you were just afraid of being alone and that's what I think is the case. Everything was fine, perfect for the entire year we lived together. We have our visa processing and now when there's distance, when we just have to wait these last few months for the distance to be gone forever, you panic. IT'S NOT EVEN YOU MOVING; IT'S ME. You don't know what you want. You're booking to visit in February. Let's just see what happens then. I don't want to break up with you but if you keep making me feel like you don't want this relationship then what is the point of being in it? I can't bear the thought of living without you. But I did it once. It took months of sadness and anger but I did it. I can do it again if I really have to. But I want this to be fixed. Stop treating me less than I deserve. I needed to get that out before my exam today.

I've made my decision. I won't take you back. You hurt me twice. Betrayed me. I loved you and would have done anything. This is about me now though, not you. You had me and you lost me. Leave. It's too late. It's too late for apologies or redemption...I might have loved you once...but now you're just a different person. You drove me to the brink of suicide at one point you know? No. I CANNOT let you come back. Leave me be. I'll find someone who really deserves me...

GO AWAY. Why do you have to contact me. I feel this adrenaline coursing through me as soon as I saw you messaged. **** off. Stop trying to remind me. Stop trying to bring me back to that stage. I'm better now. I don't need you, I don't WANT you. You're dead to me, you mean nothing to me. Stop it, just stop it. Funny how seeing your name alone brings back all the feelings of humiliation, anger, sadness. You're so evil. I feel sick. I hate you. Just gotta breathe...calm down...

Hmm, I wonder what you're up to? No actually, I don't care. What I do wonder is whether or not you're starting to realise your mistake. Whether or not you're thinking of me every now and then. I'm thinking about you less and less these days but I would be lying if I said there had been a day where I hadn't at least thought of you once. If I was in your shoes, I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself. What you did was so evil and out of character for the person I used to know. If it was me, I'd be torturing myself. I would be consumed by guilt at hurting someone so close to me, someone who would have done anything for me. Turning my back on that person because the opportunity came along to have a quick satisfaction with another person. No. I just couldn't, I have values and morals. You, on the other hand, are just unscrupulous. You're fed all those (lying) compliments by your co-workers and friends and it has bloated your ego. You don't think you can do any wrong any more. Yesterday I remembered your sisters. They were so nice. I miss them. I miss talking and joking with them. you used to talk so badly about your older sister but when I finally got to speak to her she was so nice. Not a "fake" niceness like you and your friends; she was just open about things and was friendly. She wasn't afraid to tell you when you were wrong. Maybe that's why I got on with her so well and why you didn't. You hate hearing the truth. The idea of a life without you, without any acknowledgment or contact from you, is one that makes me feel better. If you were to ever try to repair the trust I had for you, you would have to go far above and beyond anything you ever have. Let's be honest, you're not going to put that much effort in anything concerning me. I'll find someone who deserves me.

I have similar coping strategies. Taking long walks can feel really nice sometimes don't they? You know, I tell myself I don't "really" care about you anymore. Sometimes though if I've been drinking I might remember you. The fact it's only really reminding me when I've been drinking is a good supply though I think. When I'm sober I'm too busy to care anymore. And when I'm not busy and sober? Meh...I just don't care. When I've been drinking sometimes I think about us sexually. I guess that's pretty natural though. After what you did I don't love you anymore. It borders on hate actually. I still think about our intimacy though. I don't know how healthy that is... I'm trying to break out of it though and I can say for sure that even that urge (as far as you're concerned) is fading. Don't contact me. I've been in a new healing stage for a few weeks. Don't let me lose it by contacting me now. Go away. Don't come back. Ever.