Chalk

I am using you to beat myself up again. It is mainly how you have moved on. I imagine that you think your new girlfriend is beautiful. I imagine she is everything you ever wanted. I imagine she is kind and giving and forgiving. In my head she is an angel. She is the one you have been waiting for. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I wish I didn't use this to torture myself.

Hello, miss your friendship. P and L broke up. Do you think they will get back together? Or has P traded L in for a younger model like you did? I can't see who else P will date. You have a new best friend/girl friend. That is difficult to understand at times. All I can say is I miss you. I'm feeling weak. There is no one like you x

I know your new girlfriend is really pretty and I imagine you love her very much but do you ever miss me? What did I mean to you? At the moment I love to work because it is an escape. I miss you so much and I love you. I pray that at least, at times, I am in your mind and you have happy memories with me. The memories I have of you are really special to me. I was so determined to get over you but I don't think I ever will. You still make me cry. I miss you. I am haunted by you.

You were a really important part of my life and my feelings towards you still remain confusing. I hate you, I love you, I'm jealous of you. For you to have moved on makes all our memories bittersweet. I am over sentimental about our time together and I wish that my feelings were less intense. I pray that time and new experiences help lessen the significance of our relationship in my life. It hurts because we were both in a time where we were care free and surrounded by friends. I am so very jealous of you. So, so jealous! I hate feeling jealous. I do not like it. Did you ever keep anything of ours for sentimental value? Did you keep the encyclopaedia of chickens you brought me because we both wanted to keep chickens. I hate myself for treasuring our time together. I remember feeling very contented. I look back and think what a fool I was and yet desperately want to go back to that moment of sheer bliss. Forming a new relationship is really hard because the naivety has gone. I believed in you and had faith in you. In hindsight it is something that I projected on you and not some deep God like presence within you. That faith has gone. I can't decide if that is a good thing or not? Because satisfaction in another is a lie but it was a really good lie. I don't understand how I was so disposable to you? I don't understand how you could not see a future with me but be such a coward to waste so many years of my life. I don't understand how that was beneficial to you. I am confused. Back to rowing tomorrow, back to work on Monday, meeting Ben this week. Onwards, onwards!!

I still miss you. I have a stupid heart. I know you have already moved on. It is frustrating to still care. You don't love me! You didn't think I was worth keeping. Do I want you out of familiarity. What if I can't love anyone else? That would suck. I guess you don't seeing as you're all in love with Kirsty but do you ever think of me fondly? Sob!

I hope my prescence is there a little! I hope you accidently call her my name when you are annoyed. I hope she asks you questions about your stuff and you say...C did that. I'm aweful possessive aren't I? It just feels like everything of ours is null and void. I wonder if people say...well this one is a lot better than the previous one. I love you. I really wish I didn't.

We'd probably get on really well. Hope the delayed ejaculation thing isn't still a problem!

And I have to work tomorrow and I can't sleep.

I knew in my heart that you had met someone new. I know this sounds crazy but I knew because I kept dreaming about you and another person. I am insanely hurt and jealous and ripped apart. I feel possessive over you it's insane. I don't know what to tell myself to make it better. I'm feeling a lot of pain and anger. Do you love her more than me? You have now been with another woman. What is she like compared to me? Is she the one? Does she have the X-factor you so bluntly told me I was missing. Is she younger than me? Will you both go to Paul and Lesleys wedding as a couple? Does she love the birds? Does Mango like her? Does Marvin? Does she cuddle them? Does she stroke your skin and find it soft? Does she hid your glasses for fun? Does she get on with your sister? Is she Irish? Do you call her smo? Was that just my name? Does she buy you the computer games of your youth? Does she buy you a red blood cell and call it Haemish? Is she friends with Maz? Is she friends with Simon? Is she successful? Is she normal? Is she mad? Is she a depressive? Does she make you so much happier than I ever could? Does she curl up with you and watch Hitcock movies? Does she fall asleep at night with her head resting on your right arm with your arms curled around her? Does she make you happy? Is she a better person than me? Is she more popular? More sporty? Is she everything you ever dreamed of? Will you marry her after a few years and not me after many? I didn't want to know. I was meant to move on and find out later when I was comfortable in my own relationship. I am eternally jealous of you and how well you are doing. I really am. You win. I am heartbroken.

A colleague asked if I had a partner and I said no. She then asked my age and winced when I told her 28. All I could hear in my head was 'unmarried woman, no kids, failure'. What century am I living in?! Smug b****. Not really to you, ex!

I miss talking to you but my mind is all over the place and it wouldn't be fair to talk to you. I don't want to hurt you again. Live closer to me?

You are not my ex but I miss speaking to you. I miss you but I don't want to tell you. I don't know if my judgements about you are correct. I'm not sure I even want to be in a relationship at the moment or with some so far away. It's not fair to keep talking to you because I am lonely. I don't want to commit to you because I am lonely. But I miss you and this is confusing for me. I miss you as a friend which I know is not what you want to hear. Sorry for being as lame as... and for giving you 'that' line. It's all I can give right now. You've put me on a pedastool and it scares me :s I cannot maintain what you have built me up to be in your mind. I am human (and a very messy one at that). If you lived closer this would be a lot easier. What else do I want to say? I had a tough week at work. Was very slow again and felt like I was letting my team down. I got shouted at for not leaving on time. I get the point but at 28 it is humiliating to be spoken down to infront of colleagues. Peaks and troughs right? I still lack confidence...where is it? Where can I find it? I miss you.

I miss you much. I ache knowing that you have a happy life without me. I know you will just get on with it. I miss my old life. You still make me cry x

For a while, I have not given you a thought. Recently, it comes flooding back and I'm finding that difficult to deal with. I had a dream last night that you had moved on and were dating someone called Martha. I was jealous but you insisted she was the one for you. She was sick, the seriousness of this was heralded by a nose bleed, and I wanted her to be better because I wanted you to be happy. I really cared for you very deeply. I miss you an awful lot. I am confused. Maybe I just imagine I do. Speaking to a mutual friend who wants to date me he said that you want me to be happy and implied that you would be fine if we did. It broke my heart. It broke my heart because you are indifferent to me. You do not care, your ego would not be wounded. The sweetest thing would be to see you and for you to care like you used to. What if it does take 3 years to get over you? I have such vivid memories of the flat they are difficult to extracate from my brain. It feels like yesterday I was there. I want for you to be here calling me your smo. Do you call Martha that? I think of that night when I last saw you and you wanted to hug me at night but I wouldn't let you because you didn't see a future with me. I think: if I had hugged you would we still be together? It is difficult. I do not know where my head is.

I still miss you. I still love you. I have many happy memories of our relationship. I'm sorry x