tallydoo

We just started talking again, and I realized how much I miss having you in my life. Even though we've been broken up for almost four months now (really?), we're still on the same wavelength about almost everything. We still have the same sense of humor, the same interests, heck, we even had the same exact response to that ninja card in 1000 Blank Cards. But I know that I'll always want more than friendship from you, so for as long as you can't give that to me, I have to stay away. I hope you're happy with your life right now. I'm having a good time too, but I still want you around--things were just more fun with you. And I miss how safe I felt with you. I know our relationship wasn't perfect, and you got scared because the butterflies went away before you were ready to commit. But our relationship was good. With a few tweaks (mostly just both of us being ready for each other) it could have been great. I'm glad we're talking a little bit; I hope it turns into more. Whenever I see you, there's still that weird connection--you still watch me at parties and hear everything I say, no matter how quietly. And you still take care of me however I'll let you, and help me with whatever I ask you to. I'm sorry I didn't fall in love with you until after the break-up; you knew I couldn't until circumstances changed, but the change took too long for you, I guess. And I'm sorry for falling in love with you now. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. So for now I'll just keep my distance until you're ready for me. I wish so much I could tell you this. I miss you. I love you. But I'll just tell you that work is going well, and I just read a book that you would like. I hope you stopped worrying.

STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE. I've done it; it didn't blow up in my face, but it did prevent my healing from starting as soon as it should have. Just walk away for right now, and every time you have the urge to text or call him think about the exact purpose of it, and sleep on it before you do it. That way you can make sure it's not impulsive/desperate.

Day 22 I'm having a rough day with NC today (I started it before finding this thread, and until now it had been been going really well!) It's been almost a week since I talked to him--I had to, we were both in a wedding party and, unbeknownst to both of us, ended up sitting together at the rehearsal dinner (I tried to keep the conversation short and light, and focused more on the other people at the table than on him). But today I started journaling, thinking it might be better to get my thoughts down on paper to see through them, and writing through the break-up from three months ago made me really, really want to call him/meet up with him and talk more about it. He broke up with me out of the blue and saying that he just didn't think he was as in love with me as he should be, and he started getting really worried when he wasn't with me that we weren't going to work out, and then he just didn't want to do it anymore. Then he started dating another girl who's been hanging around him since before we were dating and waiting for him 3 weeks after we broke up. He started trying to push friendship on me--pulling me into private conversations at parties and checking up on me, etc--and I just ended up resenting him, so I started NC; we haven't talked since, with the exception of wedding-related things. But AGH, I just want some closure. And I do want a second chance with him, not right now or in the near future, but someday.