femaleanomaly

During our talk you told me that you are really confused and you're not sure if you're just being stubborn or if you actually want to stay broken up. You said you didn't want to rebound really hard because that wouldn't be fair to me and you're right! I appreciate that you are trying to be so valliant but I wish I knew what you were thinking! I wish I knew if it is ok for us to hang out again and watch movies and just chill as opposed to this weird half avoidance half awkwardness. I admitted that I still love you. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but at the time I followed my intuition and it seemed correct. Besides, it's true. I do still love you. I wake up in the morning clutching that bear you gave me even though I don't slep with it. Somehow I find it in my sleep and it ends up in my arms. I want a second chance. To prove to you and to myself that I'm not some emotionally unstable mess. To show you what it's REALLY like to date me. Not here, but in the states. I want to show you just how much I love you and how worth your time I can be. I have thought of this logically, emotionally, and every other which way and I truly do believe that we are good for each other and we can bring each other up and make each other better people. This waiting game is just killing me though! You said we are still friends. Great. You said you were confused and that you'd let me know... When? You never gave me an end date and that might have been to placate me. I can't tell anymore. Why do I think about these things so much? I just want my brain to shut down so I don't have to think about this anymore. I will go back to working on me. I am going to work hard on being a better more stable person. I will do it, not so you can come back to me, but for me. With or without you I am going to need to do this. With or without you I want to smile, make other people smile, and be happy. So that's what I'll do. I love you. I miss you.

I can't get myself to charge my phone and turn it on to get music off of it because I know you sent me all those sweet text messages while I was stateside. I don't want to read them, I don't want to delete them, I just don't want to do anything with them at all. So I am going to leave my phone turned off. For another day, until I can get the nerve to turn it on, read nothing, and then delete them. The good news? I'm leaving in a couple of weeks so we will never have to see each other again. I will finally be free of seeing you on your way to chow, or to the bathroom, or out for a run. It's stupid. Yesterday I was doing fine without you and this morning I woke up with a huge hole in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't stop crying. I miss you so much. I keep thinking that when someone knocks on my door it might be you, smiling and telling me you're off work and that we should hang out. Of course it's not. Why would I even think that? I just want you to get out of my head. Stop making me cry. Quit making me feel like an idiot. I just want to get over you.

I know that you loved me. After all the emails, the lovey notes on my facebook, the notes under my door, holding my hand while nobody was looking so we wouldn't get caught, stealing kisses while nobody was in the room, how much you talked to everyone else about me. I don't doubt that you loved me. But how do you stop loving someone in 1 day? Is that even possible? I know you're not a super emotional person and you feel they are some sort of weekness. That weird stigma about how guys souldn't have emotions and girls should live through them. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You are scared that we are going in different directions later in our lives. But what about right now?!? You don't know the future. You only know your own interests and mine. You know the things that we both WANT to do in the future and so what if they don't add up right now? Two years from now, you have no idea where either of us will be by then. So why do you let yourself rationalize your way through something you don't know the outcome to? It's only been a few days and already all your feelings for me are gone. Maybe, in the end, you didn't actually love me. I do remember you apoligizing for it. For all the pretty pictures you painted for me and for just up and changing your mind out of the blue. You always prided yourself in good communication and you never talked it through with me. Why are you a huge set of double standards? I know I should be happy that we're not together anymore. But even when I found the strength to make a dignified response and let you go for good, I still think about you, I still end up hugging that stupid bear and crying, I still feel sick and throw up my food, I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to find that switch that you found to turn off how you feel about me, seemingly overnight, and do the same thing. I want to be as done with you as you are with me.