OneSadPuppy

That'a girl! This post made me feel good! Enjoy the rage phase, true clarity comes here. OSP

I still think of you often (ok, constantly), and often fantasize that we might realize we made the wrong decision. My logical brain tells me that we did the right thing. I hope you find what you're looking for, but I doubt you ever will. You will settle eventually, and likely much more than you were doing for me. This marks day 20 of NC. It's been awful.

Dearest Gina (name changed), I know you're probably hurting as am I. The physical connection we shared was very strong. I will likely pick up on your moods for sometime still. There are times I want you back desperately, to put things back the way they were, to augment each others life again and share the dream of the future. Sadly, things can never be back they way they were as I can no longer allow myself to see you as I once did, rather I see you for who you are. I am angry with you for being so irresponsible when families are involved. If I wasn't quite what you had in mind, the relationship should have remained shallow until you were confident it was honorable to move forward. Remember you always controlled the depth, pace, milestones, future talk and images. If I interjected my dreams or feelings, I'd be met with emotional withdrawal and distance. This didn't give me much confidence in the relationship, in fact, the only way I could influence it would be in a negative sense. The positive wonderful things you controlled. You kept your doors open throughout our relationship. Whether it be your facebook status, your ex Feck Buddie that you kept in contact with, or any of your male colleagues, friends and associates. I accepted your reasoning for it completely as I didn't want to rock the boat. I chose to believe everything you told me like it was carved in stone. This pattern I / we continued until the end of our short but lovely, blind lie of a relationship. I could never again bet the farm on someone whose feelings could change so suddenly. Like the time you dropped me for no apparent reason 7 months into the relationship. Only to return the next day and want back together. This served as another launch for moving forward (as all our hiccups seemed to do for you). Our (yours really) dream of cohabitation got bumped up to only one year from then, down from 3 (when the final child leaves the nest). This insta-dump and crawl back caused the remainder of my faith and confidence leave. Also, my respect for you as a "queen" (yes, I had you on a pedestal, I had to or we'd not have gotten this far). I began to see you for who you really are. You have a coldness in you Gina. Driven by baggage, abuse, who knows. Its abundantly clear, that I would never be able to rely on you. The moment I stopped being useful, I'd be gone. The moment you saw someone who could be more useful, I'd be gone. I know not how I allowed myself to fall like this. I was not always this way. I'm just glad I see clearly now and can begin again. Yours Truly, OneSadPuppy