NotGay,Really

I believe this will be my last post here. I am now married to my beloved, and we are very happy indeed. While I would like to say this is a "happily ever after" ending, I know that we live not in a story book, but in the real world. I continue to have high confidence, and still believe that the best is yet to be. Meanwhile, I will continue to enjoy what I have now, and work to strengthen this relationship that means more to me than anything else.

I have been away from this thread nearly a year now. Much has happened. This Summer my beloved moved from her distant city to mine. We continued to meet, being careful and circumspect in our relationship. The young man that I was so infatuated with turned out to be something of a false friend, although he does not know I learned about his true nature. He has moved cross country, which is definitely for the best. I proposed marriage to my beloved near the end of Summer, and she accepted. We will be married after the New Year. This is certainly not the end of the story, rather just the closing of one chapter and the start of another. To all who are confused and in despair, I strongly urge honesty-- with yourself, with trusted friends, and (if necessary) a professional. I hope you will be as happy as I am right now.

I agree. Sex can mess up a friendship really fast. Any idea why your friend wants to "fool around?" If you have been clear you don't really want to, he should stop asking (if he's a real friend). But if you haven't been clear, then he may feel encouraged. Main thing-- if you do fool around, be prepared for your friendship to change.

As others have noted, you are going through a passage that everyone here has gone through before. When you are young many ideas about sex and sexuality present themselves. The important thing is not to get caught up in the idea that you have to decide RIGHT NOW. The labels "straight" and "gay" are pretty inadequate. So don't worry about it. You will have many years for sex. Right now you need to be making connections with people who are not just sexual partners. Make friends. Develop relationships. There is no way to know where they may lead. But don't worry about it. (Do be sure that you are actually prepared before a sexual encounter, though. Ask yourself if this is a partner you want in your life. Whether its a fantasy or not, any time you become involved with another person, you may end up with a relationship! But as far as the fantasies themselves go... don't worry about it.)

What you are dealing with here is not so much a gay/straight issue as SEXUAL harassMENT. If he is making sexual overtures to you, and you have told him to stop, he is in the wrong. If you really want to make this stop, ask your friends to write a simple statement about what this guy has been doing. Tell him again that you want him to STOP, and that you have witnesses to what he has been doing. If he doesn't stop, definitely take it to the school administration. (If a 30 year old school official was rubbing up to a female student, would the school let it go on? This is the same thing.)

I suppose vigorous sex could help one to lose weight. It certainly would keep you toned. Ejaculation doesn't figure in this, though. It is completely normal to be a virgin at 23. (I was a virgin until I was 46!)

I have be in an LDR for about a year now. She plans to move closer to me in the Spring. We try to call, even if only briefly, at least twice a day. A call in the morning and a call at night. If you get on the same cell phone service, there may be a plan that will make this economically feasible. Even text messages are reassuring. We also have a service that includes photo cpability. She worries more than I do, so I try to send her photos from time to time that let her see--in real time-- how I am doing. If your guy needs more than this, there may be an underlying problem. Get him to talk, specifically, about his fears. I can understand one thing, though. I would be devastated if anything happened to my beloved, and I was unable to help...

I suppose you are already aware that masturbating before intercourse would help with your "problem?" incidentally, is this an actual problem? Or just something you are worried about? As far as positions go, you could try woman on top. She will get a longer "ride," so to speak, and if you hold your position (DON'T thrust!), you may last longer.

Does your boyfriend ever substitute his interest in "gay" activities for time spent with you? Is he involved in a male/male relationship? Do you have any valid reason to suspect he is? Is he overly defensive about this subject? (What you are saying seems to indicate that he is pretty open about the subject.) Does he seem genuinely interested in pleasing you sexually? (You indicate he was considerate to his former girlfriend. Is this true for you as well?) There are some who believe that men are just as curious about other men as they are about women. Our society takes a dim view of this however, so men tend to be very secretive about it. Much of the "male bonding" that goes on in fraternities, sports clubs, and the military is considered a "normal" outlet for this interest. Your boyfriend may identify with the men he sees in porn-- not viewing himself as gay or straight, but simply in a sexual fantasy. Because men's initial sexual experiences are usually self-gratification, some guys continue to find the sight of males stimulating-- but only as a fantasy. (I should explain that I went through a huge guilt trip over my interest in this, eventually trying to convince myself I was gay. There was one big problem-- I didn't want to actually have sex with a man.) Continue to talk openly with him about these issues. As long as the communication lines are open, don't be alarmed. If you are feeling pain, see if you can get professional help. I hope you will be happy.

I'm sorry you are going through such misery. (And why don't you create your own screen name here? "wantTOkillMYSELF" sounds so scary!) Really, really don't get too worried about whether you are gay or straight. There will be plenty of time to deal with that for the rest of your life. Sex is a lot more than being gay or straight. It's about forming relationships and dealing with other people. It's good that you are concerned about your friendship. Do you have several friends? Any you can completely trust? If so, talk to them. If not-- go out and get some. I know that sounds easy to say. But it's really important. If this is causing you pain, by all means get some professional help. I hope you will be happy.

Vdt, right now it really doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. It is possible that your feelings about this will continue to change; or you may be gay. Right now you need to form a larger circle of friends and acquaintances. Your friend Dan sounds like bad news to me. The biggest issue is honesty. You must look in your heart and figure out whether Dan has been honest or dishonest with you. Your feelings may have been clouding your judgement. Hard to believe, but there are many people who are happy to take advantage of a good hearted friend. You need to have trustworthy friends with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. It seems unlikely that this will happen if you continue to concentrate on Dan. You do not have to hate him, or push him away. But make an effort to develop a wider circle of friends, both male and female. You may be surprised at where one of these friendships may lead. I hope you will be happy.

I also counsel honesty. But you must be very sure that you can trust those you choose to open up to in this very sensitive subject. You have uindicated that your friend is comfortable with gay people. But you have also indicated that "no one" knows you are gay. (Do you really mean no one? By that, I mean have you never experienced same sex intimacy?) If you are certain that no one knows you are gay, then this would be surprising to your friend. On the other hand, he may suspect, but also value the friendship enough to leave it alone. I had a severe crush on a male friend. Through honesty and counsel (I consulted a therapist), I now recognize it for what it was-- a crush. I still value the friendship, and have been working to retain it. You really should move cautiously in this, but definitely attempt to move forward. Living in a world of fantasy and speculation is not healthy or fulfilling. If you are deeply concerned about this, you should consider seeking professional help. (It was the best thing I ever did.) I hope you will be happy.

Thank you for sharing. I spent my life avoiding relationships until recently, so I do not have the same kind of emotional baggage you have had to bear. Right now I am filled with confidence that this relationship will endure. It's good to hear about the success of others.

Tell her. The whole point about going to a therapist is to be able to share honestly with someone. And as has been said here, she has heard this before. Tell her.

Just a little update on my story. I spent the holiday visiting my beloved and her children. This was the first "official" visit with the children. It was, for me, wonderful to be more open about how we feel about each other. At the same time. I am being very careful about how to deal with the children. I care very much about their happiness. I am fairly resigned to the idea that I am bisexual. I still carry residual feelings of anxiety over the idea. My beloved and I are both very commited to monogamy-- so I have no desire to explore any other intimacies, male or female, at this time. It seems unlikely that I am going to hear from anyone else who has had a similar experience to mine. (This topic has been here for several months now.) But if anyone out there has, I would be intreested in hearing about it.