amtheredoingthat

...by the posts that immediately said this would never work. I guess I expect more "support" on a site where most of us are in an age-gap relationship or have been in one. I would concentrate on the posts that present the problems that could or most likely would come up, and decide if you are OK with all that. THAT will give you your answer.

I agree totally with the last post. As a side note, my relationship has again ended, AGAIN having nothing to do with the age-difference specifically, although HE was having difficulty with the age. Essentially, he bought into some of the stereotypes, including that he wouldn't be able to "please" me in a few years. I have to add, that at this point, he was the best lover I ever had, and he's 26 years older than me. Things may have slowed down or gotten creative in the future, but I'm here to say that his fear was unfounded. But the real reason this relationship ended was because this man has a lot of emotional immaturity. (SEE? Age IS just a number.) He is incapable of trusting or loving a woman right now, and I'm not sure he will ever be again. It's very, very sad for him... for me, however, I just need to move on to something and someone healthier. Luckily, we have kept the lines of communication open. If he needs me as his friend, he's free to contact me, and he has. But I won't allow the serious relationship to continue and pull me down. I have to also say, as someone who ALWAYS has enjoyed the company of older men, I'm now MUCH more open to the mental maturity of a younger man! Age has become less of a factor for me, because of my experience. You seem to get a lot of wonderful things out of your older man relationship. I say, congrats and continue to go for it. Develop a tough skin for the nay-sayers.

Speaking as the voice of experience... don't lie. True... it seems unfair that we might be judged soley by our age. But all of us judge on somewhat "superficial" things when looking for a significant other to date... YOU may prefer to date blonds, or someone not too tall, or not too heavy, etc... I think the other person has the right to all the facts upfront so he or she can decide if the age-gap is right for him/her. My situation: MY older bf lied. I knew he was older. I thought 16 years older, which was one year past my declared "limit". Turned out he was 26 years older, and I didn't find out until we had spoken for over 3 months. The truth is... had I known at the beginning, I never would have given him the time of day. However, that was MY right and MY decision to make. By the time he told me, I was emotionally roped in (and I use that term very selectively -- I felt trapped by my emotions). Do you really want someone to feel as if they were TRAPPED or TRICKED into a situation of liking you, or that they came upon it of their own free will? Further... trust has always been an issue ever since. He's honest for the most part... but I'm aware he's capable of lying to my face. Where does it end? I DO believe this BF does lie to me on rare occasions, esp. when he thinks it gets HIM out of some hot water. Age is an issue to some people... and NOT an issue to others. Age IS an issue to me. I PREFER older men. I will not date men younger than me, and don't even like it if they are around the same age. I like at least a 5 to 10 yr age gap, with the man being older. You can say that I descriminate against younger men! BUT... if you are an older man, then you'd be perfect for me. Get my drift? All I'm trying to say is SOMEONE will want to date you for who you are... all of who you are, including your age. If you lie... you'll get someone who probably isn't right for you... because they thought you were someone that you aren't. Trust will be destroyed. In fact, there's no guarantee that because YOU thought they had fallen for you, that the person won't run in the opposite direction the minute they learn the truth. I almost left my BF behind. And I'm not going to say that I'm GLAD he did what he did, because I wouldn't have known him... no. What he did was wrong. We've gotten past it, and I've forgiven him... but it was a mistake. Now that HE has become the one with the age-gap issues (fear of intimacy, commitment, due to the gap), he would be the first to agree with me. Ironic, huh? Don't lie... establish trust right at the start... and get someone in your life who is looking for someone JUST LIKE YOU, who will love you for who you are.

OK, this one sets me off a bit (struck a chord, I guess)... because I've heard the same line from my stand-offish older man. The "I know what's best for you" attitude, as if the younger woman cannot decide for herself whether or not she wants to be in this relationship. Honestly? I think that's a cop-out phrase for the fears the older man feels regarding insecurity. Because the REAL issue here is YOU are afraid that she will leave you (NOT her well-being). Saying you are concerned about her just makes you a step closer to being righteous (as well as fearful). The truth is she IS capable of making her own decisions (and her own mistakes) just as YOU are. She's not leaving YOU because it would be for YOUR own good, is she? No... because she's confident you won't leave her, and she's also not about to tell you what to do. I almost can't believe I'm going to say this (because it's like asking my boyfriend to leave me... again...), but if you are truly THAT uncomfortable about the age difference, and you are going to be constantly anxious about the situation, I'd cut if off now. She needs you to be IN this relationship, and if you have that much insecurity about it now, you won't be there for her. And you'll be in constant agony. It'll be a bad scene. And trust... nothing will make you feel more "confident" in the situation... except you changing your way of thinking big time... not an easy thing to do. If you decide, on the other hand, that you love her and you do want to give it a go, then you MUST let go of the distrust and accept that she loves you and wants to be with you... otherwise neither of you will be completely happy. I'd say there's the further issue of her age... 19 is young... not very experienced, and she MAY be missing out later and regret her actions... it all depends on her personal maturity level (and only YOU know what that is). I'm not called "i'mtheredoingthat" for nothing. Now, if I could only take my own advice...

Hi there! You and I are in very similar positions... I am 40 (will be 41 in April) and my loved one is 26 years older than me... I'm female, he's the older man. I've been with him off and on for over 3 years. I guess the tell-tale statement here is "off and on". He is, without a doubt, the most wonderful man I've ever been serious with. That's why I won't let go. But I'll admit that he's "emotionally unavailable" for the most part. It's a bit of a long story... in part related to the age gap, but only because he was burned by a age-gap relationship in the past (ex-wife of 10 years was 17 years younger). So the relationship is 1) very held back emotionally on his part and 2) supposedly non-committed. That is to say, he'll never marry me. However, he's always been exclusive, and he's been seeing me a long time for someone who is not committed. lol! It's not the healthiest relationship for these reasons, and there's NO reason why any of this will be YOUR issue. Each relationship is different. But if you want, I'll be happy to share war stories with you. Have any specific questions? I'm not sure if my e-mail is in my "profile" or not, but if it is, feel free to write me. I used to be on these boards a few years back, and now that I'm in this relationship again, I'm back.

I think the fact that you are communicating SO much with someone who is not your husband is the troubling thing. It is one thing to have male friends. It is another to be speaking to them more (and perhaps more intimately) than you would with your own husband. No one has addressed what I suspect is the problem here -- your marriage. If you are serious about keeping your marriage intact, you would stop the communicating with the online buddy, and get yourself, and your husband, into counseling, to see why your husband is NOT fulfilling your needs (as this online man is). Listen -- the voice of experience here. My marriage was in serious trouble -- for years, I didn't get what I needed from my husband on an emotional level. Suddenly -- there was the Internet, and via it, I met someone who was supposed to be "just a friend" -- but he became a substitute for all I was missing. I had to decide if the marriage was worth saving. I went to counseling, alone, and decided I didn't want the marriage. I pursued this man instead, and now, he no longer is in my life either. I don't regret the divorce -- but only because I figured out that I no longer wanted the marriage. But what about you? You sound like you WANT to keep the marriage intact. And that is going take more than some "dates" with your husband. It's going to take serious work -- because I think you have a serious communications breakdown. Your husband is supposed to be your best male friend. Let's face it -- he is not. Your online buddy is. Also, I read recently on the web that most of the Internet relationships that DO break up marriages do NOT last... So if your marriage is important to you, then working toward it seems even more the thing to do. Sorry if I sound blunt about this -- I just see you going down a similar path as myself, but I'm not sure if you are recognizing what's really going on here.

Oh, oh... I hate to say it, but I don't think it's a game he's playing. I think he's saying it's over. In some ways I was in a situation like you recently, in a general sense. I knew things were NOT right -- I was on the edge of ending the relationship because of it -- then my BF beat me to the punch. Here is the hard part -- where you have to look at the situation and realize that despite your love for this person, you were also getting hurt and you deserved better. So while he "beat you to the punch" in ending this relationship, you really were ready for it, weren't you? You were tired of getting hurt. Think about it... And he's ending it because he CAN'T do things differently for you. He knows what you need from him... He won't (or wouldn't) do what you NEEDED, and now, for that reason, he's calling it quits. It hurts like hell, I know. Be strong... In only a short time, you will be glad it's over.

Talked to Pete on the phone for the first time! So far -- all I expected, and more. He has a great laugh! We talked for almost 2 hours! And we STILL haven't discussed the age difference (10 years)! Guess we both ARE really comfortable with that! It's just so cool! I don't think it's an issue... and after a year of hearing "I'm too old for you..." Gee, this is refreshing! However, we will see in a few years, if things get that far, if the DISTANCE becomes an issue. Maybe I'll pay a visit to the Long Distance Relationship board... But I'm sure I'll still put my 2 cents in here as well... Thanks, all!

That's right, SAM... 26 years older than ME. Not 26. He is 65 now. I'm 39. Thanks, SAM, also, for the best wishes. Time will tell about this -- but you know what? I'm just happy I feel OVER that last relationship. That way, I'm just happy being ME now... So no matter what, if this relationship doesn't blossom, I'll still be OK.

No question... not looking for advice... just babbling, bubbling and gushing... I've been on this board -- spewing advice (as I've got experience with the age-gap subject) and getting some advice, as my previous boyfriend (26 years older) decided I was NOT want he wanted for a future, committed relationship. A few months have gone by -- not much time at all. Hurt a LOT, but over time, the hurt has been disappating... I am now at the point where I don't desire to be with this man any longer... Yea! And I've been casually dating guys much closer to my age. Have I said in the past age doesn't matter? lol! Right now, I'm beginning to think for me it does. I think I just like MUCH older men. These men I've been seeing have all been "nice enough" -- not a whole lot in common, however, and NOW, after liking older men all my life, and actually dating someone significantly older, the ones who are just a little older than me seem like little boys -- really lacking in maturity! Then, just last week, started to write to the most sweet, thoughtful man. Everything my old boyfriend was, and MORE, as he doesn't have the same issues. He is younger than my old BF, and I think that HAS made a difference, in that THIS new man (let's call him Pete) is much more willing to take some risks on a romance and working toward a committment. My old BF was beyond risk-taking, and I think it was related to his age and where he was at on the path of life. And yet, Pete is still significantly older than me -- 10 years -- and it shows. Hmmmm.... makes me wonder why this is so important to me, but I don't want to over analyze myself. Some people like blonds, some like blue eyes, some like tall -- and I guess I like older. This is, obviously, a fairly new relationship (in fact, I wouldn't even call it that yet -- we are getting to know each other). Plus, it has the other difficult aspect of being over a long distance. But we are both open to the possiblities it could bring. We are "clicking" big time -- have tons in common, and I'm very psyched about that! So here I am, again... embarking on what looks like yet another age-gap relationship. Funny -- he's never questioned the age difference, and neither have I. Obviously we are both OK with it -- and to all of you out there, that's all the matters -- that you are both comfortable with it. As cold as this is to say -- everyone else can go to hell! lol! That is to say -- more nicely -- that no one else's opinion matters but your own. Wish me luck!

lol -- about the attractiveness to bisexual women! lol! No apology necessary. Sometimes the truth hurts. But it's still the truth. I'd rather hear the truth than be fed a lie. Good luck to you!

Wow... DF, that almost hurt to hear (your advice not to go back). Guess there must be a small part of me that still can't let go. Thanks for advice on the letter. I've actually done that before, and it is helpful. I'll try again. I could see that, with you and where you are in your life (fairly active, definitely evolving, and the fact that you want children), that a younger woman would be more appropriate for you. You are complete correct that it is not age but the path your life is on that matters. At the same time, you seem very mature yourself and intelligent (and don't take this the wrong way, but I thought at first you were a woman! lol!)... So no matter what her age, I can also see things working out well if she is at your intelligence level. I've learned that true partnership comes from people who can respect each other as equals. Unfortunately, it was our paths that were a little too out of whack in my realtionship. My BF's path had already gone beyond a family (he already had four children). But that's the path I am on, and will be on until he's getting close to leaving this planet. Maybe I am going to have to be the one who puts an end to his confusion -- by flat out saying no to any further involvment. Actually, I think I am smart enough to know that if he cannot commit to marriage -- if he has no intent -- I will NOT go back. If he did demonstrate that, however -- some true intent to marry -- I don't know -- that IS what I want from him. This is all working on the assumption that he would even desire a reunion in the future, and that could be totally wrong on my part. Well, good luck in your new venture, and thanks again for your words of wisdom!

I'd like to add my two cents! I am the same age as you -- and I am facing both sides of the coin! First of all, I WAS dating an older man (26 years age gap). He had similar fears as you, and he ended up leaving me over it. Specifically, he couldn't deal with the thought of time going by, him getting older and me still being "young." Of course, he was going to ALWAYS be 26 years older than me... I was going to age right along with him. But he was fearful that I would get tired of him and leave him for a younger man. And of course, although I was set in my belief that I would never do that to him, he believed what he wanted to believe. And he was fearful that he would have made me a widow early in my life. I always said, "My chance at once last relationship!" lol! He seemed to have less faith in me finding another man. And now? Now that I'm not seeing him, I have actually found myself with a "crush" on a 26 year old. I have been avoiding allowing that to be knowledge here at work. First of all, as I just said, I WORK with this person (although he IS in a different department). And secondly, there's that 17 year age difference. This isn't going to help my argument for you, but women sometimes don't age as well as men do. So as cute and sweet as he is, I'm sitting back and not revealing my thoughts. I don't even know how he views me. Probably like his mother! lol! I don't think I'm girlfriend material for him. However, the thing about love is that we ALL take chances. Some are more "calculated" risks than others, but they are all risks. To love, we take off all our protective armor and throw ourselves at the mercy and compassion of another. Of course, we can get hurt (and usually we do). But to NOT get hurt is to NOT love at all. Which would YOU rather have? A love-filled life? Or a life without pain? Have you ever discussed your fears with him? My BF did all the time, and that was very important to me (and a healthy part of our relationship.) I say, have a talk with him about the future. What it's going to be like -- has he ever thought about what it will be like when he is 36 and you are 49? When he is 46 and you are 59? When he is 66 and you are 79? Has he thought about that he may have to care for you when you are older? If he HAS thought about this seriously, and has come to grips with it, then I say you have a very mature man, and let things develop! If not, tell him to do so. And he will decide for himself if this is something he really wants (and open your eyes to the future of this relationship). And of course, you need to also decide -- years from now, will YOU be able to handle this? You have to feel comfortable with it also. Are you affected by the way others feel about you? If so, you'll hate being in a AGR. People will judge. Mean-spirited people will call you "Mom" or "Grandma." You have to be able to come to grips with it. If you can't -- forget about it. My BF couldn't get comfortable -- it was forever "WRONG" -- and that's one reason why this relationship is over. A lot to think about. I hope I was of some help. 8)

Thanks for the nice words, DF. I DO feel that I was very brave and took a chance with a lot of hope that things would work out. I don't regret that. Things COULD have worked out beautifully, but my BF had to be open to allowing that to happen. In the end, he wasn't. My BF often said he didn't know whether to listen to his heart or his head when it came to the two of us. His emotions were saying that he wanted to be with me forever. His head was telling him that it would never work out. It could have -- with effort. There always has to be a willingness to succeed, and he could not quite muster up the will. Sometimes I'm angry about this -- I gave up a lot to be with him and to show him I cared. Honestly, while he was nothing but loving and caring to me, I think he gave up less. A little one-sided. He WAS confused, but in the end, he came to his original decision. I always KNEW this could be the outcome, so he's no more at fault regarding this than I am. It takes two to tango, and we were both involved in this dance. But again, I felt it was a chance I had to take. To not take it -- well, I never would have known what could have been, and I think that would have been more devistating. At least, I know that I tried. I have been casual dating, but I have realized that I'm really not in any shape to do serious pursuing. I only last spoke to him 2 weeks ago, and I'm still too stuck on him. And honestly? I have this stupid hope that he will give it up and come back to me. I don't think I'm normally this stupid! I was set up, in some ways, by the nature of the relationship itself. He would say "never will I do that" -- and then, he would do it! He did this all the time. For example, way back in April, when we first started to date (just a couple of dates into things), he gave up. He said he would never come back to the relationship. Then in July, I contacted him -- told him I was going to be in his area, and everything started up again. And we were together a year total. Go figure. But that was my BF for you. So my history keeps nagging at me that this isn't over yet. And still -- I know that sort of thinking is very unhealthy for me. I want some feeling of finality, even if it is negative. So I try to continue my life as if I will never be with him again. Yes, I have to say, I never was searching out a much older person (although, in general, I'm mature and enjoy the company of older men). So now I'm just trying to kick back, deal with my emotions, and hopefully, the right guy will come along. He may be older, and he may not, just as you said. I'm trying not to push the issue. I have too much healing to do first. Thanks again for listening and your kind comments. If you don't mind me asking, are you currently in a age-gap relationship? How is that working out for you?

First, I just want to say thanks to both of you who bothered to reply to my question. I hadn't found too many sites where grown people could talk about their age-gap relationship, and I was hoping for more feedback. I agree with you both. And DF, you are right -- my mother has always thought about her needs more in general when it comes for me finding out what's right for me. Dad appreciates more that I have to make my own mistakes. Actually, I came on the board today looking for sympathy. My boyfriend decided to end the relationship. It's complicated -- but the age difference did play a role. I think, in his mind, a few things were going on. Firstly, he couldn't come to grips with having a family again, and that was one difference between where we were in our lives. The only one, for the most part, past retirement. Otherwise, we came together pretty nicely. But that was a biggie. He tried, but in the end, decided, no, it was NOT for him. Secondly, I think he just viewed the age difference as "wrong." I'm not sure I understand the morality he was connecting with the age gap, but this was his view. I think he worried that I was going to be put into the position of being alone at a relatively young age. Not untrue. But it was something I was willing to face. Thirdly, he was afraid that I would get tired of being with an older man, and would leave the relationship. We had discussed marriage in serious terms and how it WOULD work out, but in his mind, he never overcame these fears. I miss him. One on one, we had a wonderful relationship. Not without its problems, but no problem that we hadn't been able to work out and overcome. Past these issues, obviously. On my side of the coin, I had decided (simultaneously!) that if he couldn't/wouldn't marry me, I needed to move on, because I DO desire a mate for life. And this is what it has come down to. He's not happy about what I'm about to write here, but part of what I learned is that age doesn't play much of a role in how wonderful a person can be. If I found an older man without these fears who meant as much to me, I would pursue that relationship. My BF thought it should matter. But it doesn't. What does matter is how you relate, and that has more to do with personality and mental maturity (or immaturity) than with physical age. The breakup is fairly fresh. I miss him. I loved him very, very much. But I'm trying my best to keep my chin up and to move on! Wish me luck!